Dunces with Wolves - the Blog of Wolfsea

No Jack City

They say bad news waits until you're home and today was no exception. After a weekend at my brothers playing Empyrion (when he wouldn't stop renaming my bloody warpship...) I came home to find one of my favourite actors had passed away. The name Frank Kelly might not be too well known outside of his native Ireland and the UK but he was an immensely talented actor and, according ato a close friend, a very kind and polite gentleman of the theatre.

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Now Frank has an extensive career on Irish television and even achieved a Christmas hit single (found here) which I listen to at least once during the festive period but I discovered his work trough his most famous role as the hard-drinking, hard-living foul-mouthed geriatric priest Father Jack Hackett in the sitcom Father Ted. Father Ted has been one of my favourite all-time sitcoms and deservedly is celebrated 20 years after it's debut in 1996, the adventures of Ted, Jack and Dougal, three catholic priests in an almost twilight zone-esque parish in the middle of nowhere on a tiny island off the coast, banished for being an embezzler, a drunken lech and an idiot respectively, and their borderline-insane tea-obsessed housekeeper Mrs Doyle, from having to endure the world's crappiest funfair, having to deal with the plane they're travelling on running out of fuel in mid-air, dealing with an explosive milkfloat and their constant battle to save themselves from being sent to an even worse parish by the tyrannical bishop Len Brennan, the priests and community of Craggy Island earned a place in the hearts of UK comedy fans (with the two islands of Inis Oirr and Inis Mor once at loggerheads due to their respective claims to be the real Craggy Island) and the sad timing of Frank Kelly's passing exactly 18 years after Dermot Morgan (who played the eponymous Father Ted) the night they finished filming the third series, has been felt by many fans.

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Fathers Dougal Maguire (Ardal O'Hanlon), Ted Crilly (Dermot Morgan), Jack Hackett (Frank Kelly) and Mrs Doyle (Pauline Mclynn), the finest example of Religious Programming on television

If you are unfamiliar with this fantastic sitcom I advise finding a few episodes and taking a little trip to Craggy Island, where the locals are reasonably friendly, the roads will finally be being brought out after being put in storage for winter and the coastline lit up by the gentle glow of the nuclear waste dumped by the BNFL, I know for a fact i'm going to be paying a visit to old friends so join me in raising a glass of Guinness, Jacobs creek Chardonnay 1991 and Floor Polish in salute to Frank Kelly.

I leave you now with the tender words of Father Ted as he stood vigil over Father Jack's body.

"It's beginning to snow again. The flakes, silver and dark, are falling obliquely against the lamplight. It's probably falling all over the island; on the central plain, on the treeless hills, falling softly upon the graveyards, upon the crosses and headstones, upon all the living and the dead..."

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"SHUT THE FECK UP!"

[flash=250,210]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jdkN57xvekI[/flash]

Godspeed Frank Kelly...
 
Stop touching mah buns, hun!

Ah easter, a time for peace, love and reflection to remember a humble man who told people not to be utter bastards to one another was nailed to a bit of wood.

So here in the UK one of our TV channels, Channel 5, decided to air a very special film about cute little bunny rabbits...

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For those of you not in the know first of all, for shaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaame... Watership Down is the classic 1970's animated movie about the rabbit brothers Fiver and Hazel as they leave their soon-to-be destroyed warren in search of a new home at the titular Watership Down and their subsequent difficulties establishing the new warren. Also this happens:

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Yes, Richard Adams, author of the book, pulled no punches (nor in his similarly nihilistic 'The Plague Dogs', which was also adapted into a film) and the film has a good share of gore and violence all aimed at (and caused by) the sweet little bunbuns. This film is one of the darkest animations ever made and it is absolutely brilliant, seriously, I cannot recommend it enough, the artwork is beautiful, the cast, led by John Hurt, all give wonderful performances and, the most infamous (well, after the violence) thing about the film is the haunting 'Bright Eyes' performed by Art Garfunkel, a beautiful little melody that, quite rightly, garnered it's own reputation.

So now we come to the meat-and-two-veg of this blog, what could possibly go wrong with airing this film on Easter Day?

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Oh for fucks sake... yes, parents decided to get offended. Now I will admit maybe somebody at Channel 5 may have dropped the ball a little but this film is infamous. We should not have to pander to a bunch of ignorant iggle-piggle loving pansies because they hadn't bothered to actually look up the film on IMDB and find out what it actually was about before sitting little Ffarqhuad and Chlamydia down to watch the 'ickle, wickle bunniity-wunnity-pops'.

I was born in 1989, part of the generation that had seen Robocop at least 5 times before we hit 5. I don't want to be that guy who says "Oh things in the 90's were better." but, seriously, we had stuff like Batman TAS, our kids shows, movies, media, all were more adult than the modern adult media. So show your kids Watership Down, show them the boobs and demons in Fantasia (another fucking awesome animation piece), show them the Clayface episodes of Batman TAS, they can handle dark stuff, Doctor Who is practically built on that premise these days. and if you don't then just don't fuck it up for the rest of us, sick of pandering to your fucking kids...
 
JC is a guy I'd be willing to have a beer with. 'Tis a shame they killed him.

Watership Down was the shit, man. I've never in my life thought bunnies were badass until I watched this movie.
 
Just winds me up that you get these pigeon-chested abattoir creepers who try to make everything child friendly and expect everyone else to kowtow to them. The most annoying one was this woman who complained at me because I was eating a burger because her child was refusing to eat some healthy rubbish. I have no interest in being a role model to anybody let alone children and I'm insulted when people try to tell me to be something their child should emulate or that my behaviour should change to satisfy these people.
 
Wolfsea:
Just winds me up that you get these pigeon-chested abattoir creepers who try to make everything child friendly and expect everyone else to kowtow to them. The most annoying one was this woman who complained at me because I was eating a burger because her child was refusing to eat some healthy rubbish. I have no interest in being a role model to anybody let alone children and I'm insulted when people try to tell me to be something their child should emulate or that my behaviour should change to satisfy these people.
Click to expand...
Paranoid as hell, but to be fair, our children (not mine; I haven't even gotten into college) don't really have good role-models. We have slack-jawed idiots thinking that celebrities -- pop singers and movie stars -- are worthy of emulation.
 
Trust me, its happened a few times. You get these unhinged stazi-esque nobbers who use the nearest adult to try to get their kids to do something
 
Alas Plembers I cannot claim 'Pigeon-chested abattoir creeper' as my own, was the work of mr Vic Reeves (AKA the Khanate's favourite actor Ignacio Moir)
 
I'll take Rubber Role Models for £2000 please Jack

I would like to think I try to keep Dunces with Wolves an above-board blog by avoiding random tittilation and an excuse to show bawdy topics (he said after posting the clip of the Politician being whacked in the face with a dildo and David Cameron's Porcine Penile Pokings) but I am not one to casually shrug off something so bizarre as to require my comment. So, come on world, what have you got for me today?!

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...

...

...

WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!

Well now! This... happened!
So, yes, apparently the people of the Banggai islands, whom apparently have no knowledge of the internet or sex dolls, found this vinyl vixen afloat and decided she was a Bidadari, a spirit analogous to an angel.

Good Lawdy...
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source: http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-asia-36189614
 
The 90s really were amazing, especially for entertainment. I miss being traumatized as a child by the dark things we were exposed to. Scenes from The Secret of Nimh come to memory right off the bat. And all the tragic deaths in kids' movies... Rufio in Hook. Artax drowning in the Swamp of Sorrow in Neverending Story. Mufasa's death. Professor Screweye from We're Back being eaten alive by the murder of crows. Basically everything in The Dark Crystal and Labyrinth. And Stripe's death scene in Gremlins??? I miss the days when kid shows gave us legit nightmares. Not to mention regular television. Rescue 911? Unsolved Mysteries? I didn't sleep in my own bed a full night through until I was almost 11!
 
World of WarCrap

I'm going to open this by laying my utter contempt for Blizzard Entertainment out in the open right now. While most of my ire is earned through the "It's popular so it's good" hype surrounding World of Warcraft (I've played a lot of MMOs and believe me the only worse ones out there are Neocron II and Entropia Universe, my first MMO.) and the whole debacle with Warhammer and 40k I do in fact recall the very awful Justice League beat-em-up they published over 20 years ago and I will never forgive them for that broken mess (or the crap moveset they gave Cheetah.)

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and yet still better than the recent movie (and thank god for Ed Boon)

So when I heard about the new Warcraft movie my reserve of tosses to give was somewhat low... but then the critics happened.
Now, having been used to video game adaptations being less than stellar (still got a lot of room in my heart for the classics like Super Mario Bros, Street Fighter (the memetastic Van Damme and Raul Julia vehicle, not the one with Lana Lang from Smallvilleand MAWTUL KOMMBATT!.) and my own experience of the undeserved failure of Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within (one of those movies that is better in hindsight sadly.) it came as no surprise it would be drubbed by critics, and somewhat predictably, guaranteed success due to the inexplicable millions of fans. So, my only actual reaction to all the whining little Petunias out there saying "wahwahwah dah critics dun't know what they'e talking about wahwahwah." I have this as my reaction.

[flash=250,210]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z4uivPpzCGo[/flash]
 
Times like this...

No jokes, no smart comments, just words spoken 75 years ago that we need to hear now more than ever.

[flash=250,210]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J7GY1Xg6X20[/flash]

When a music hall artist who had spent his childhood in poverty and ended up the most famous man in the world shows more wisdom, courage and personal strength three-quarters of a century ago than nearly every politician on the planet today, it shows just how unworthy these men and women are to govern. My own personal politics were shaped by constant disappointment and cynicism in a system that had failed and is propped up by the self-same greed that Chaplin denounces. All he asks is that we be kind, that those with strength use it to help those who don't. He wrote those words before the world truly saw the disgusting and vile things that took place behind barbed wire in the Third Reich.

When I was younger I had the honour and privilege to meet Leon Greenman, a very nice old gentleman who taught me a hell of a lot in one afternoon. Leon was from Whitechapel, in London, but he was living with his wife and children in the Netherlands in 1940. Leon would later be interred in Auschwitz Camp, his wife and son murdered. Leon first started to tell people of how he survived Auschwitz and later the Death March west to Gleiwitz after he saw some dickhead spouting the same bullshit Hitler spewed IN LONDON IN 1962! This man chose to relive some of the most horrific acts ever committed, as have many who survived, because they never wanted anybody else to go through the same thing. Later that year when I visited the Imperial War Museum in London I had an experience that would change my life, one room, about 500 feet by 60 feet by 7 feet, there were windows so you could look in and I looked in, most of that room was full of piles of suitcases, clothing, toys, all possessions taken from people who would never collect them, who probably don't even have relatives who could and I have never felt as sick to my stomach as I did looking into that room on that day. It wasn't until I felt like I was being crushed down, like some evil force was trying to choke me, not allowing me to look away that it made me realise just what happened, it's hard to describe but it's just one of those things where it really doesn't hit you until you're brought face-to-face with the reality.

It seems that, since 2008, we have been faced with history repeating itself, the Brexit vote was forced upon the UK by nationalist extremists who even have their own gangs of armed "patrols" attack muslim places of worship and businesses. In America Donald Trump spouts rhetoric simply to satisfy his own ego because he thinks "President Trump" has a nice ring to it. Some dickhead uses a bastardised form of religion as an excuse to massacre 50 people and god knows how many injured. People who are unable to help directly, or probably even don't know how to help, say "We're praying for you, our thoughts are with you." because it might be the ony thing they can think of to do that could give comfort to the families, they're at least fucking trying and yet some 4channing little fucknugget atheist turns round and says "Dur, Praying does fuck all. Lol stooped religious people." whilst being less than fucking helpful in their own right. Is our generation so fucking pig-ignorant, so utterly fucking arrogant that they'll not only repeat mistakes of the pst but actually WANT to repeat them "for the lulz". Usually I'm extremely dismissive, I am a Misanthrope at heart but even i'm struggling to believe anybody could possibly want that.

I know I have used a lot of foul language here and I do apologise if anybody takes offence to that but I am 26 years old, 27 in a few weeks, right now I feel like I'm four times that age, I'm tired, I'm tired of hearing about another shooting, another bombing, I'm sick of the cretins, butchers and egomaniacs trying to hang on to a little bit of power because of their own self-superiority, be it a person, a political party or an entire country. There are people who are good and kind and who are standing up to these maniacs in their own little way. Prove to me that I'm wrong whenever I let cynicism and anger get the better of me and I start condemning humanity as a bunch of worthless, arrogant apes. I am the last of my family, when I die I'm leaving nothing behind, you're the ones who are going to have to make sure the next generation don't do stupid shit. Consider that my epitaph and remember Chaplin's words, let those words be heard as often as possible and to as many as possible.
 
Dr Kilpatient's Casebook

It's a not-well-known fact that, when younger, I considered taking up a career in medicine. Now I hear you all saying "But Wolfy, why didn't you become a doctor? you're smart, sexy as eff, well endowed and really suit a lab coat." and you would be absolutely right but, alas, I lack a bedside manner and, ironically enough, lack patience. Also I'm crazy.

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Depicted: my average inner monologue about 80% of the time.

So what is a almost-doctor with more loose screws than Google's attempt to muscle in on Ikea to do when the Steam Summer Sale hits during his Birthday? (Date redacted, REDACTED HARD! :eyebrow: ) Why he buys Surgeon Simulator of course!

So far I'm relly enjoying it ( I also bought Huniepop... mainly for idle curiosity and because my friend who is rattling around somewhere on these forums suggested it and for £2 why not?) so I'm getting to enjoy the end of a stressful week (don't ask...) by slicing people up a treat.

I leave you now with an idea of me as a doctor, enjoy!

[flash=250,210]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LmG-ErzZsUQ[/flash]
 
Quick updatings

Apologies for lack of activity, I'll explain in my next blog post why I've been so busy.
 
[flash=250,210]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0p_1QSUsbsM[/flash]

Happy 70th Birthday Freddie, just cause you're no longer with us doesn't make you any less of an immortal.
 
The sadness caused by silence

As you may or may not know I am highly enthusiastic when it comes to history, Medieval History especially which I attribute mainly to the works of one man.

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Yes, that's right, that is Monty Python member and acclaimed director Terry Jones. In addition to being a superb writer, performer and director Terry Jones is also an acclaimed historian and, whilst my own love of history was well-developed, his seminal series 'Terry Jones' Medieval Lives' solidified my love of the age. (Which can be found here: https://www.youtube.com/channel/SWs-Gqsjg9y-8)

So why am I bringing this up? well, sadly Terry Jones has been diagnosed with Primary Progressiv Aphasia, a form of dementia which affects the victims' linguistic abilities and, sadly, Terry will no longer be able to give interviews or to present any more documentaries. Thankfully there is one currently in post-production but still, it's sad to think there will be no more.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/entertainment-arts-37451043

I'll end this with a quote from the man himself.
"Every age sort of has its own history. History is really the stories that we retell to ourselves to make them relevant to every age. So we put our own values and our own spin on it."
 
I just read this and found out that Wolfsea is a Manc.
How does it feel to be a member of the best city in the world (excluding everything but Liverpool)?
 
You shall have it, just as soon as I work out what to write about! that said people are free to consult my wit and wisdom by axing me a question
 
Wolfsea's 12 Songs of Alternative Christmas!
Many people ask me "Wolfsea, you're a studly bachelor, what do you do to get into the christas mood beside sexy parties?" and I reply by telling them I listen to alternative christmas songs, those being songs tha are christmas related but stay away from the holly, jolly, things ending in 'olly' type fluff and stuffthat basically is unusual or mean spirited in some form. So, in no particular order and without further cudes, here's my 12 Songs of Alternative Christmas!

Nuttin' for Christmas - Stan Freberg
https://youtu.be/9n-D5djkMiI
Quite a deliciously messed up little christmas fable, this song by the late Stan Freberg has a great tune and the escalating felonies of the child in question, coupled with Freberg's always excellent vocal performance, make this a great way to open up the Christmas Countdown!

Merry Fuckin' Christmas - Trey Parker (as Mr Garrison)
https://youtu.be/14mPAZkJvd4
Christmas isn't christmas without the inevitable right-wingers bitching about how theres a war on christmas (in spite of the fact theres at least a dozen different religous celebrations sprinkled around that date but whatever) so leve it to the South Park boys to come up with a way to take the piss without people realising. So sit back and enjoy, and if you're offended, remember, this is South PArk, if you're offended then you have no hope in life.

Fucking Love Christmas - Doug Walker (as the Nostalgia Critic)
https://youtu.be/wNuRr9t4FBo
Whist i'm basically scrooge incarnate I don't begrudge anybody who loves Christmas and Doug Walker has pretty much given us the ultimate song for everyone who has an X-Mas Overdose Freakout which, believe me, some people actually do.

Just Another Christmas Song - Stephen Colbert
https://youtu.be/lMMH_xDKE2A
Like Many I enjoy Stephen Colbert's glorious tones (thanks to his performance as Phil Ken Sebben in Harvey Birdman) so when I found this parody of one of those big band style opening songs to those old Christmas TV specials I just coudn't kep it to myself.

The 12 Days of Christmas - Jasper Carrot
https://youtu.be/BPekxA8bScs
There exist many parody versions of the 12 Days of Christmas but this version performed by Comedian and Folk Singer Jasper Carrott turns attention to a vital part of any christmas celebration... vast quantities of Alcohol! Now you might not know some (or any) of these brands since it was written in the late 70's in the UK but I do't think that will marr enjoyment of the song.

Jingle Hell - Sir Christopher Lee
https://youtu.be/PeYjGwimFHI
a pretty simple heavy metal version of Jingle Bells sung by Sir Christopher Lee. I have no need to Justify this, it's just plain awesome.


Father Christmas Do Not Touch Me - The Goodies
https://youtu.be/hC3AphnJLbE
Another journey back in time to the 70's, this time with The Goodies. This comedy team of Bill Oddie, Graeme Garden and Tim Brooke-Taylor, who were contempories and colleagues of the Monty Python team, were a pop culture force to be reckoned with throughout the 70's in the UK scoring an ungodly number of number one hit singles written by Oddie. A cheeky little song but a fun one.

Blood Red Sandman (Blood Red Santa) - Lordi
https://youtu.be/-CsYaduIrCs
Bit of a cheat here but a track too damn good to leave off the list. Many know Lordi for their 2006 victory at the Eurovision Song Contest but, prior to their win, the band released this track, originally titled Blood Red Santa but, thanks to executive meddling, were forced to retitle the track. The Band did later rlease a secodn pseudo-christmas song but this one is my favourite, especially with it's Evil Dead inspired video.

This Trinity's goin' to War - John DiMagio, Mark Hamill, Coolio and the cast of Futurama
https://youtu.be/QpHIjJGnQ_c
Whilst only short on not strictly a christmas song this is still an enjoyable one, andwho the hell can say the idea of Mark hamill as the Hanukah Zombie (complete with Jewish-themed TIE Fighter) isn't funny?

Santa Clause is on the Dole - the cast of Spitting Image
https://youtu.be/NNace1KBqac
Ah the 1980's... when a crazed septegenerian celebrity was president, a psychotic woman was prime minister and Russia was seen as the bigges threat to world peace and involved in militry action in the middle east. Thankfully nothing like that is happening now...
Anyway, the finest satirical weapon of the day was Spitting Image and what better way to show my Christmas Spirit than with this wonderful christmas classic!


Christmas at Ground Zero - 'Weird Al' Yankovic
https://youtu.be/t039p6xqutU
While we're on the subject of the end of the world in nuclear war and Christmas how can we leave this list without a track from the mighty Weird Al. This nuke-flavoured holiday hit is a perfectly jolly tune with a fun video to go with the oddly happy black comedy lyrics.

Brand New Friend - Lewis Brindley & Simon Lane
https://youtu.be/OMv_EPMED8Y
A new one for 2016, I've always enjoyed YogsTunes but this years particular appeals to me due to gratuitous puppy.

So there you have it, Wolfsea's 12 Songs of Alternative Christmas, I hope you enjoyed it and I wish you all a merry christmas or whatever, a happy new year and Jethro Boomshlang my sweet munchkins of TNP!
 
wolfsea have you found any more books about dinosaurs shitting planets and such things lately or was that a one-off thing
 
Hey everyone, just letting you all know i'm retiring from RP, put simply I don't have to the time or enjoy for it anymore, i'm simply not getting the enjoyment out of it. I'll still hang around on the Forums and Discord but I'm removing myself from the canon. Sorry about this but I really am just not getting the enjoyment out of it anymore and i'd rather not waste peoples time with RPS that don't go anywhere.
 
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