Dunces with Wolves - the Blog of Wolfsea


Well Ladels and Jellyspoons of Da Narf Specific, here we are, Wolfsea hath decided to share his random insanity with the world. If you like it, tell your friends, if you don't then I will hunt you...
Nah i'm just kidding, enjoy my random rantings, my sweet little munchkins of TNP!


Now there are two very important things to know about me:

1: I live in the UK
2: I still enjoy playing the old style Sonic games
3: I practically worship Voice Actors

Three! Three important things! (Spanish Inquistioned my way out of that one...)

So with that in mind imagine my surprise to open up today's copy of the Metro and find a mention of the irrepressible Mike Pollock, primarily known for his sterling performance as Dr Eggman since the Sonic X anime was dubbed around 2004. Now for those not in the know the Metro is a free newspaper given away on public transport here in the UK and, since I take a bus to work every morn, I usually get a copy to read en-route. admittedly it's mostly boredom that leads to this since the news tends to inevitably lead me to rage at the state of the world but it's a pretty well put together little paper (plus I'm a fan of regular columnist Richard Herring due to being so 90's it hurts) but this morning's article is what caused my somewhat dissonant reaction to mention of Mike Pollock.

Behold! The legendary archnemesis of Sonic the Hedgehog is...

Dr Eggplant

Now Mike is a pretty groovy guy, I had the fortune to meet him at a con and spoken to him a few times on Facebook (he, like most VA's, love interacting with their fans, you get hardly any airs and graces with them.) and he took this in his stride but... seriously MEtro? You didn't get the writer to proofread this? Ah well... maybe Sega will pick that up in "Sonic Boom: Please for the love of god we're sorry, we'll keep making the cartoon but don't let us die completely." I for one would love to see the wretched rodent face off against a moustachioed Aubergine and, after Big the Cat and making the already phenomenally dumb Knuckles even stupider (Whereas before his intelligence matched that of a Prawn sandwich it's plummeted to just beneath losing a battle of wits with a Styrofoam cup...) but yes, I find it hard to believe they either haven't heard of Dr Eggman/Robotnik or at the very least proofread/research the subject properly without cocking up like this.

In short, Sega should add random vegetable themed villain knock-offs, would certainly stop Knuckles being lonely. Also Proofread articles before subbing them to the editor Metro Journos. Meanwhile enjoy this slightly terrifying video of Mr Pollock.


Mike was asked about this and gave the following comment


What the Fox Hat?!

Walking along today my mind drifted into an interesting frame of mind when I got to thinking of Human Extinction. Now, as any of us know, after Humans bugger off (either extinction or a straight up "Abandon Ship" moment) most of our civilisation will have vanished into the scenery withinh a few centuries, which led me to think about what species would evolve to Civilisation first, with my money on Cats, Squirrels and Foxes being the main contenders.

Then I realised something, the discovery of fire was the defining moment of humanity's ascension, so what, if any, would be that of the fox.... and I remembered this:

Yes, the rise of Vulpes Sapiens will be defined by the first creation of a Sandwich by a fox. Subway will doubtless be revived as a sort of temple, where my order of a honey-grain Italian BMT footlong with Peppers, lettuce and onion will be regarded as some kind of scripture. So, remember, be careful what you order or, hundred of thousands of years from now, you could start a Jihad over the use of barbecue sauce on olives.


Are you a Confederate?
I'm a Sith if that helps.

Nah, I'm from the UK so it doesn't really apply to me.

Also, fun fact, the metropolis I live in (Greater Manchester) supported the Union has a statue of Abe Lincoln. At the time Manchester was the worlds biggest textile producer and, while Liverpool supported breaking the naval blockade preventing the southern cotton imports, the cotton workers in Manchester refused to touch the stuff resulting in a Letter from Lincoln thanking the city for their support. So you could say, historically speaking, I'm from a unionist city.


Suffer, the Little Children...

Last Friday (I've had shizz to do so not really been able to do much here...) I happened to get a rare day off from work and, since my mother was still ill at the time (do not ask) I was recruited to aid with grocery shopping. Now whilst idly looking through the book section of my supermarket I happened to come across the childrens books. Now, I read some insane stuff in my time (Mr Tickle and the other Mr Men and Little Miss characters being some of them... always hated that prick Mr Hapy, smug get...) but this... this didn't so much take the cake as ramraid the bakery...


Now... let us address the first thing I noticed about this book.. that Kid is way, way too happy given his exact location in relation to said coproliphically-challenged dinosaur. Theres no denying that that kid is staring down the dino's rectum, a dino that, as the publisher wishes to remind us, once shat a planet (apologies for swearing but... this needs full emphasis here.) and likely has some kind of bowel condition that causes increased production. If that Dino suddenly feels the need to tip his skip that kid is dead... crushed alive by an indiscriminately large dinosaur terd (and, no, I don't mean Jurassic Park III) which could possess it's own gravitational pull (which, medically, explains a lot...)

Seriously... this is a damn kids book? I mean yeah I can't stand the little feckers but for gods sake why? Some digging revealed this to be the work of Tom & Dougie of early noughties pop-rock combo McFly. Now normally, as with any noughties musician, I would say their entire career was spent very much in a similar to this dinosaur, producing utterly ridiculously huge cack, but they actually have some good tracks so i'll put away my bitter, angry "everything was better before the Millenium" hat but I have to ask Why? Why would you even think of something like this? it's original sure but... wh?

Oh... and theres a full series of these...

I don't even know...


When did they rescind Sod’s Law?

because plans screw up and there's nothing you can do about it!

Now, I want to start this entry by presenting the following extract from the novelization of one of my favourite sitcoms of all time Red Dwarf.

"In fact, it was now possible for Rimmer to revise solidly for three months and not learn anything at all.
The first week of study, he would always devote to the construction of a revision timetable. Weeks of patient effort would be spent planning, designing and creating a revision schedule which, when finished, were minor works of art.
Every hour of every day was subdivided into different study periods, each labelled in his lovely, tiny copperplate hand; then painted over in watercolours, a different colour for each subject, the colours gradually becoming bolder and more urgent shades as the exam time approached. The effect was as if a myriad tiny rainbows had splintered and sprinkled across the poster-sized sheet of creamwove card.
The only problem was this: because the timetables often took seven or eight weeks, and sometimes more, to complete, by the time Rimmer had finished them the exam was almost on him. He'd then have to cram three months of astronavigation revision into a single week. Gripped by an almost deranging panic, he'd then decide to sacrifice the first two days of that final week to the making of another timetable. This time for someone who had to pack three months of revision into five days.
Because five days now had to accommodate three months' work, the first thing that had to go was sleep. To prepare for an unrelenting twenty-four hours a day sleep-free schedule, Rimmer would spend the whole of the first remaining day in bed - to be extra, ultra fresh, so he would be able to squeeze three whole months of revision into four short days.
Within an hour of getting up the next morning, he would feel inexplicably exhausted, and start early on his supply of Go-Double-Plus caffeine tablets. By lunchtime he'd overdose, and have to make the journey down to the ship's medical unit for a sedative to help him calm down. The sedative usually sent him off to sleep, and he'd wake up the following morning with only three days left, and an anxiety that was so crippling he could scarcely move. A month of revision to be crammed into each day.
At this point he would start smoking. A lifelong nonsmoker, he'd become a forty-a-day man. He'd spend the whole day pacing up and down his room, smoking three or four cigarettes at a time, stopping occasionally to stare at the titles in his bookcase, not knowing which one to read first, and popping twice the recommended dosage of dogworming tablets, which he erroneously believed to contain amphetamine.
Realising he was getting nowhere, he'd try to get rid of his soul-bending tension by treating himself to an evening in one of Red Dwarf's quieter bars. There he would sit, in the plastic oak-beamed 'Happy Astro' pub, nursing a small beer, grimly trying to be light-hearted and totally relaxed. Two small beers and three hours of stomach-knotting relaxation later, he would go back to his bunk and spend half the night awake, praying to a God he didn't believe in for a miracle that couldn't happen.
Two days to go, and ravaged by the combination of anxiety, nicotine, caffeine tablets, alcohol he wasn't used to, dog-worming pills, and overall exhaustion, he would sleep in till mid-afternoon.
After a long scream, he would rationalize that the day was a total write-off, and the rest of the afternoon would be spent shopping for the three best alarm clocks money could buy. This would often take five or six hours, and he would arrive back at his sleeping quarters exhausted, but knowing he was fully prepared for the final day's revision before his exam.
Waking at four-thirty in the morning, after exercising, showering and breakfasting, he would sit down to prepare a final, final revision timetable, which would condense three months of revision into twelve short hours. This done, he would give up and go back to bed. Maybe he didn't know a single thing about astronavigation, but at least he'd be fresh for the exam the next day.
Which is why Rimmer failed exams.
Which is why he'd received nine 'F's for fail and two 'X's for unclassified. The first 'X' he'd achieved when he'd actually managed to get hold of some real amphetamines, gone into spasm and collapsed two minutes into the exam; and the second when anxiety got so much the better of him his subconscious forced him to deny his own existence, and he had written 'I am a fish' five hundred times on every single answer sheet. He'd even gone out for extra paper. What was more shocking than anything was that he'd thought he'd done quite well.

Now, over the past 15 years, since I hit the second year of High School, they have been forcing these bloody “Learning Plans” on me. Since many TNPers are probably still in education at some stage you’re probably aware of these things, they are basically a table in which you write down what you want to do, what you will use to do it and how long yu will give yourself to do it. (I would have included a visual example but Imgur is being a bellend…)
Now I have never in my life needed one of these, in fact my entire ability to plan is based around improvisation, I work better when having to deal with a small time frame and limited resources, it comes from being in a family that prized preparedness (for example I learned how to use a shovel as a frying pan as a child along with other survival tricks such as trapping and firemaking) so, for me, planning to anal levels, which is pretty much what this is, is a waste of time and energy, especially as I learn how to do something better by performing the action with a bit of trial and error. These things are utterly useless to me but have been the bane of academic existence for me since I was 12. As soon as I get this damned qualification the bugger is getting burned.


I am the knight who says "Squee!"

As has previously been made apparent I am something of a voice actor fanboy. Not coincidentally I am also an Anime fanboy and the first anime I bought on DVD was Shinichi Watanabe's Quack Experimental Anime Excel Saga based upon Koshi Rikudo's manga of the same name (extremely loosely based I might add), in fact Rikudo pretty much just let the writers and Watanabe do whatever the hell they liked and, as a result, produced perhaps the most batsqueek insane anime ever produced. Here's a taster from the mid-season clip show they randomly put in to act as a music vide for the full title song.


Now it's important to remember this episode in particular as it's extremely relevant to the following story. Now ADV ilms were te company who handled the English dub of this series and in the role of our heroine (who had yet proven not to be ON heroin) Excel Excel was cast Jessica Calvello and, suffice to say, she is ne of my favourite voice actors because of herperformance as Excel despite the role damaging her voice and having to be replaced after the clip episode by Larissa Wolcott

Now Jessica sort of wet into hiding New York for a decade but recently he's back as Zoe Henge in attack on Titan and has since been the very embodiment of con madness (and if she so much as comes near MCM Manchester comicon I will sell a kidney for a photo and a signed pic) and, just recently, she returned home from MAtsuricon.

(Jessica Calvello, apparently her performance as Excel was 'no acting required')

Now, while at Matsuricon, Jessica was booked into a room at the Hyatt hotel. Hyatt just happens to be the hotel-themed name of Excel's partner and room-mate in the terrorist organisation ACROSS and, although it was dubbed by Wolcott, the final episode of Excel Saga entitled 'Going Way Too Far' featured Excel (in Hyatt's body) forcing herself on a almost naked Hyatt who happened to be in Excel's body(does it count as molestation if it's someone else's mind in your body? Interesting moral conundrum...) as just one of many things done in an attempt to get the episode banned deliberately (It fist aired in the UK weirdly enough) and is actually my favourite episode for just how far they were pushing their luck.

Now, I follow Jessica Calvello on Facebook and innocently commented upon a status she had post regarding Matsuricon and finding a tin of Vienna Sausage outside the Hyatt Hotel. A fact which had immediately grabbed my attention... then this happened...

Suffice to say I still squee with the intensity of a thousand stars...

I leave you with this NSFW song by Jessica... Oh Lawdy... but still friggin' adorable.



Politicians and Porkies

So this happened...

Yes, the Prime Minister of Great Englandistan (to give it it's proper right-wing recognised name) has been formally accused of both beastiality and necrophilia (and if it were Birmingham the crime sheet would include Food fetish too) as part of an initiation prank during his days at Oxford in the 80's. Now I know we've all done pretty stupid things as teenagers and students especially (at least if you're old enough to have been to college/university "like wot I av") but, knowing the mentality of Cameron and his fellows, I honestly would not be surprised if its true. Even if it isn't the fact that it seems plausible just fuels the fire.

Of course Twitter rose magnificently to the occasion... with #Piggate counting to (at the time of writing) 207, 000 tweets and rising. With many comedians truly loving the comedic goldmine presented... such as this tweet from comedia (and very distant cousin of Cameron) Mr Al Murray.

but so far the king of #piggate has to be Liberal Democrat peer Lord Ashdown for his sheer and unadulterated cheekiness... (brought to my attention by satirical songster Mitch Benn)

Now it's more than likely the story is a lie but, to be perfectly honest, nobody cares, they're having far too much fun utterly taking the rise out of him. I now I am. I leave you now with a sentimental message betwixt (alleged) lovers

I wonder how long this post will be up before the admins delete it XD


That song from Aug 20th is um...
Indeed it is... and that is genuine what Jessica Calvello is like, also out of all the voice actors I follow/stalk she's the one who gets the most involved with fans.

Be grateful I didn't pick "strangers in my ass." instead


Down with the sickness

Well, as expected, I have picked up a cold and, while not bad enough to prevent me from doing things, it has pretty heavily floored me for the past 48 hours or so. At the moment I’m feeling much better (thanks to a bit of a nap last night) but still, it’s proving to be a damned nuisance than anything else.


Stratocratic Dance Off

Now as you've no doubt noticed upon my siggy I have two GIFs celebrating my stratocratic status, namely the Cyanide and Happiness Show's Hotdog Dance...

and Kekeflipnote's Scatman Bird...

so! which is the better dance? YOU DECIDE!

comment and vote.


Definitely the hot dog.. Especially as I thought the stratocracy part was also off the cyanide and happiness cartoon.. not something you add yourself.. I was very confused... and I have the same reaction to it as the woman :P


For those who wonder about my thought processes...


The Knights who say Squee part 2

So yes, I am an artist, and I like to do little bits for friends, so I offered to sketch a little something for my friend Silvia of her character with Scarlet, a character from the webcomic Sequential Art by Phillip M Jackson, one of my favourite artists who is probably best known for his work on Banjo-Kazooie: Nuts and Bolts. So, here is the pic in question.

Now I got some nice compliments on the work from my friends... and guess who else...

Yeah, complimented by the man himself... pretty damn buzzed right now.


They're kinky, they're Pinky and the Brain Brain Brain Brain Brain.

It's rare I link directly to somebody's podcast but this is a particular treat for those of you whom love Animaniacs and Pinky and the Brain.

A Christmas special of Rob Paulsen's "Talkin' Toons" podcast

guest starring Maurice LaMarche, Sherri Stoner and Nate Ruegger all reprising some of their most famous roles and one of Animaniac's best skits.

Incidentally I think you can still get a "NARF! is my Safe Word" t-shirt.


Bit of bumpage but also to let you know I'm adding a second blog soon to handle Edicts from the Ministry of Cool along with another proper post here.

In the meantime post questions and I shall give answers unto thee.


Unemployment Sucks!

Well, tomorrow I go to officially sign-on. Regrettably my employer has gone bankrupt, leaving me jobless. Now for the unrivalled fun of beaureaucratic bullshit that I previously had sworn I would never again be a part of.

Add to this my grandad going bak to hospital for a week and it really has all gone a bit shit...

Anyway, you got questions? I may got answers, discuss.


Wolfsea's Adventures in Unemployment Part one of an ongoing phase of intolerable hell


The Department of Work and Pensions: a beginners guide to Anal.

Now, I am, officially, registered as claiming Universal Credit, A.K.A. Ian Duncan Donut's shitbrained little babby of a scheme to waste more cash on a new system of benefits without changing anything at all. Now, simple question, what would you say is a reasonable amount of time to spend examining job websites or cold-calling companies per day? And this is bearing in mind that most companies applications take less than 15 minutes to complete. Now a logical person would say between 20 and 24 hours a week, that leaves you enough time to get on with any family issues or things you need to get done at home. It works out at around 5 hours a day which would match the lowest possible pay bracket (Apprenticeship wage of around £2.70) in terms of hours for money received. This amount is barely survivable upon so there is still serious incentive for anybody sensible to get work.


The number one incentive to get off Universal Credit is the bureaucratic BS they have you jump through like a poodle in a circus. Now, as stated, the amount of money you get on jobseeker's credit is the equivalent of about 12 hours a week on the £6.30 minimum wage so two full days (16 hours) is better than what you get and gives you far more freedom with your time and how many hours do they expect you to spend trying to find a job?

35 hours

now... this is one of those things that you might look at and think "That isn't too bad." but bear in mind before Universal Credit the system was skewed in favour of the number of jobs applied for rather than time spent. The issue I this is that, basically, you end up going through the same 40 pages or so of possible jobs (of which only 10% have actual relevance to your skillset AT BEST) just to make up the hours per day. Now I take getting a new job seriously (even more so with these Arsehonkers on my back, I'm literally looking for job that will net me LESS MONEY just so I can tell them to shove it) but anyone with half a brain will tell you two hours spent doing something in a practical and intelligent way is worth more than spending 6 hours doing the same thing to get the exact same outcome...

The truth is this new hours-based system came into being because people who love to bitch and moan about things decided to complain anybody claiming any kind of cash for whatever reason are scum scroungers. (The fact that these are the same people who tend to be generally dodgy in relation to both morality and taxes is lost on them of course.) but I digress. The issue I primarily have is that the people who actually do want to work are already doing what they can to find work and constantly having someone on you back isn't going to push them harder, it just pisses them off.

Anyway... enough ranting, have some humour based around British Job Interviews:


The Phallus-ies of Politician

Coming up in this instalment of Dunces With Wolves we look into what has no doubt become internet wildfire!

Whilst giving an interview the New Zealand Minister for Economic Development was whanged with a rubber whanger as an outraged citizen delicately screeched "That's for raping our sovereignty!" and hurled a large, flopping dildo balls-first at the bewildered Kiwi politician.


I would love to see this happen to David Cameron, I can just picture the monumental rubbery cock being stuck in the face by similar.