Telegram 3: 30 Day Telegram Re-Drafting

Current Telegram:

Hey you! *pokes* Yes you, I am talking to you!


Great now that I have your attention.


Greetings %NATION%!


We trust your time in The North Pacific has been well and that you have enjoyed your experience here. The powers that be in TNP have noticed that you are content on answering the game generated issues, as well as occasionally posting on the regional message board (RMB). However, we have observed you are missing out on the greatest fun The North Pacific has to offer. You are not a member of our offsite forum community at http://forum.thenorthpacific.org/


You might be asking yourself, what are the perks of joining the forum? Well I am here to tell you.


~Join our forum community

You get to talk with citizens and leaders of TNP who might not be as active on the RMB. We have off-topic discussion threads where you can talk about your lunch, silly spam games you can partake in, roleplay, or even debate threads where we disagree on real-life subjects.


~Participate in the regional government

By joining the forum and becoming a citizen, you can vote or stand for office when elections come up, and we have one roughly every two months for the various government offices. This is the path to becoming our next Justice, Speaker, Vice Delegate, or even Delegate! Additionally, as a citizen you can help shape the laws of TNP by participating in the Regional Assembly, our legislative body.


If the executive is more to your liking, you could join the staff of the various cabinet ministries by signing up for the Executive Staff. By doing so, you can be a diplomat, a reporter in the regional newspaper, a recruiter of new members, faculty staff in our University, and many more.


Military more your thing? You can enlist in the North Pacific Army, help defend the region, and learn all there is to know about military gameplay in NationStates.


You can do all these in the following forum threads:

Citizenship: http://forum.thenorthpacific.org/topic/9145386/1/

Executive Staff: http://forum.thenorthpacific.org/topic/7198621/1/

North Pacific Army: http://forum.thenorthpacific.org/topic/9145375/1/


Once again, I encourage you to consider enhancing your gaming experience by joining our regional forum. I am looking forward to seeing you there!


Sincerely,

[nation=short]@@MINISTER_OF_COMMUNICATIONS_NATION@@[/nation]

Minister of Communications

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• The telegram tries to be formal and casual at the same time. Pick one and rewrite what doesn't fit the chosen tone.
  
• Seemed almost a little on the long side, could be more concise
  I haven't completed 30 days till now.
  It has been a while but I don't remember this telegram
  I’m sure it is well written, however I am still a new member in TNP.
  What?
  I don't really remember the telegram
  Add more information. It hooks the nation but add more for more interest.
  I did not receive it because I have not played for 30 days yet
  I dont remember getting this, but maybe i did and forgot about it.
  

Angshire:

Definitely including RP and cards. Once 30 days rolls around, nations are likely to stay, so I say this telegram should be a longer one that showcases more opportunities.

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Chinar:

Since I am new here, I wanted to ask about the utility of spoilers in a telegram. I have observed spoilers in other official TG's too for which I see no apparent reason.

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