Indie's Inanities

IGRant N' Ramble # 287
When You're Collarless and Abandoned: Something I Need To Unload to the Great Void so I can Get On with Scott

am i the only person who hates it when all of your little lives don't mesh anymore? the frantic, frazzled scraping of recall, recoil, and redirect?

i have no words lately. which irks me because autumn has always been my writing season.

my true love, the love of my life, the exact mirrored opposite soulmate of mine married my psychotic ex-friend in august because he wanted a different kind of mystery. because he wanted someone crazy to dig and explore who wouldn't dig and explore him back. he wanted a girl who didn't know him. and i don't mean in that way. i mean, a girl who didn't know him for who he is. for what he could become. for where he's been. he knew that i saw him, and loved him for all of it. and in the end, it's because i loved him that he couldn't love me.

but then, he did love me. they all love you. it's why they leave. or so they say. it's true though. they find pieces of themself in you and they love you for it. they love being able to give over some part of who they are and to pick up a part of who you are on the way.

and in the end, we really are mostly the people we've given ourselves to at some point along the way.

i'm rambling. about love. all my friends hate it when i do that. because they think it's drama. and they hate The Drama. but it's not drama. it's just life. and how can you live, and breathe, and feel, and not have intense reactions to the massive and glorious amounts of shite that you wade through?

i don't know. it's just...you get to that place when the one person says no. and you can do nothing to change it, because you've made all the right choices, and when it came down to the pivotal moment, someone else made a choice that completely negated all you worked for. all you built and hoped and dreamed and lived.

so how do you go on living when everything behind you has been swept into a heaping pile of nothing; and your best friend who knew you inside out and vice versa, can no longer talk to you, or interact with you, or be with you in any semblance of pureness - or genuinity - because you both know that all their daily functions are some sort of farce: a lie, a thing that they get to play at because it looked fun and interesting and unknown?

(holy shit, that may be the longest sentence i've ever written.)

so i loathe him for turning me into the jilted bitchy ex-girlfriend. i was miss havisham for halloween this year. in my heart.

how do you work around the empty spaces, when they're so conveniently empty in all the places you need to be building on?

i can't write, because it's empty. i reach into this barrel of...whatever...inside of me, and there's nothing.

where the hell is the barrelmaker and who knows his number?!




IGEdit: Darn you, tags! You darn, dirty tags!! Darn you all to HECK!
 
I am sorry it is so hard...I understand things being hard....I hate the way life is so hard sometimes and I wonder how children are able to make it is so beautifully simple and perfect.
 
It is not in the barrel, but in the pool. The eternal pool where we all go down to drink.

Sometimes there is a drought and the pool dries up a bit, but just wait. Monsoon season fast approaches and you will be swimming and catching the Big Ones in no time.
 
Chapstickisfun:
yeah yeah but you didn't come up with that one on your own mister
Click to expand...
No shit? I didn't? Wow.

I ripped Stephen King's original work?

No. I didn't. But seeing as to how you haven't finished that book yet due to your snail's pace reading speed, you wouldn't know that, would you?

I forgot how obnoxious you lot can be when someone presents you with sincerity.
 
OPArsenal:
It is not in the barrel, but in the pool. The eternal pool where we all go down to drink.

Sometimes there is a drought and the pool dries up a bit, but just wait. Monsoon season fast approaches and you will be swimming and catching the Big Ones in no time.
Click to expand...
By the way..very beautiful and sweet thing to give IG hope for new ideas soon. Didn't mean to take away from the comment.

:kiss:
 
little miss relic

she is globally warming.

the collective need is sticky like
the Scera floor.

everyone's love ain't
anybodys.

she gets to be a nuisance
in your head

just like YOU do.

consider others.

and if you read it once. read it again.
and when you go ahead
and place all your mealy desires frontly

think again.

in a new scary room, she'll check
for Barbies
under the bed. opt for hall light.

save who's in your pocket.
never go
purse-puppy shopping
in the mall.

we should figure it out for ourselves.

to Be or not to be, stifled.
secondly, thirdly, nightly.

she died a little in deciding to love him.
she lived in his jar.

and would he, would he would not
ever

get around to poking one
or two

extra holes.
 
OPArsenal:
Chapstickisfun:
yeah yeah but you didn't come up with that one on your own mister
Click to expand...
No shit? I didn't? Wow.

I ripped Stephen King's original work?

No. I didn't. But seeing as to how you haven't finished that book yet due to your snail's pace reading speed, you wouldn't know that, would you?

I forgot how obnoxious you lot can be when someone presents you with sincerity.
Click to expand...
SUCK IT UP! ;)
 
So, funny stories. But not enough time, because I'm on break and we have Nazis who work here. Allegedly.

They're more like KGB.


Poems, then.

untitled

my dog
is singing
la boheme
oh sherlock, can't you taste

the city of brown
flannel sheets?
I keep maroon beneath
stripes

and
tonight you're mine
drumming in
my ear.

it was a pool
i waited for. a word pool.

in black she jumps -
some other poet's
inside self.

my phone, not
crying red
at the moment,

is buried in the cold
that falls to my fullsize

beneath my foreign
window,

which is behind
a sullen, skeletal

rose of sharon.
covered in fruit
but with nothing
left
to leave.

a middle finger,
cubic,
bloodless,

is all that anchors
this page to keep ink
from looking
less unintentional

than it looks by nature
from this blue blue blue
bluegel pen...stick.

this kindling for wordfire.

firewords
keep me warm

from november
to the sudden silence
of

my dog.


leaks

some say the rosary.
give roses in spite of me.
things built in flannel sheets
too hot to keep.

fumbles the words for this
silent your afterkiss;
at my beseeching
find something to speak.

melloword ryming down,
freeverser lip-purse frown.
melodic - but overdone -
dr. seuss tweak.

i'll play this rhyming game
till it all looks the same,
perhaps i'll freeverse again
sometime next week.

meanwhile it's music, boys.
too many clamoured toys.
found amidst all the noise?
glad it's not greek.

coupled words oozing out
i feel their anvilclout
writing too slow; they shout,
from my pen eke.

this isn't trying hard,
postwritten i'll discard:
rhymewords soon scabbed and scarred,
lighthearted cheek.

back to the rose i peep.
on shin: cold toes asleep.
this boy i think i'll keep...
past's bittersweet.

this is moveon in love
for once: handhold, not shove.
clichefit like a glove.
turn up the heat.

i can withstand the jeers,
taunting, pleabargain tears -
something's allayed my fears:
sturdy helpmeet.

gutfelt: around christmastime
he'll promise to be mine,
a deal sealed with diamondshine...

god, i'm a freak.
 
Currently Playing: Dreamfall: The Longest Journey
Opinion of the above: Excellent graphics, gripping storyline, interesting characters... I hate the controls. And I hate that there are no guns. The combat so far has been pretty weak. Maybe it's because there are no guns. Or lightsabers. But I like it! It's fun to play late at night. Which is what I did. Most of the night. And most of this morning. And forgot to put my jeans in the dryer because of it, which is why I'm wearing a skirt to work.

I hate skirts.

Current song: Echoes - Pink Floyd
Current opinion of the above: I have decided that Meddle is far and away my favorite Pink Floyd album. Almost solely for the fact that it has this song on it.

Current Events: I have finally purchased my own copy of Halo 2 and actually own 4 controllers. I also have a year's subscription to xbox live. Which I could use if I had a wireless adapter for my xbox. I will wait to fix up my xbox live account and setting and whatnot when I switch to the 360, which will be soon, because I have money now! Yay!

I also preordered my copy of Halo 3. -=insert giddy noise here=-



Other news: Boys love me. Both at the music store AND at GameStop. Scott is one lucky bastard. :P



That's all for now! Must skedaddle!

IG
 
IMO, a game should have either of the following:
  • Explosions
  • Magic is a favourite of mine, but not necessary
  • Swords
  • Chainsaws
  • CHAINSWORDS!1!
  • Big ass machine Guns
  • ROCKET LAUNCHERS
  • Big scary monster things
  • Pretty fire
  • Sniper rifles .......when running around blowing random stuff up just isn't an option any more, go HK-47 on someone's ass. Or Kneecaps. Or even head.
  • Vehicles are fun. Especially when used as a convenient batterying ram.
Prince of Persia: Two Thrones doesn't have most of those, but its a fave of my when I go home, dig out from where I hid it and 'borrow' one of my Brothers' PS2s. Running up walls never gets old.....until it gets frustrating.
We don't buy brand spanking new games that often, as I myself am very patient and will wait for a decent game to go down to a decent price. Of course, by the time it gets to that no-one plays it anymore, but meh.

Sorry for hijacking your thread a little.....Well done on the money thing and the random guys lusting at you!
 
So did I! Alas, we rarely have a say when The Real Deal(tm) drops into our lives, and Scott is totally that. I've fallen completely, ridiculously in love with him.

He corrected my grammar today. THAT'S a keeper.
 
like a whisper
translucent pearls prick
bud, bloom
in the furnace folds
of my skin.
we aren't just
a little dangerous,
you see.
in the dark i've rolled
out to peel back on
a me who doesn't
need you.
layers retrieved
from the floor,
which now lay cold, even
ashamed against me.
out because i had
to turn on the
light.
i grabbed this paper,
a pen, returned
to a hot bed
without even
washing my
hands.
knew you'd be back,
those twenty seconds later,
to ask that question.
we'd be dangerous
together.
you set me
on too many
fires.
we'd scramble together,
lighting our own
little revolutions.
they'd flicker
for us,
make sense.
the room and darkness
like the revolutions
(are for them)
we'd build.
quiet, desolate hours
content as the scarred
birthground
of each tiny war.
isn't that
what it is?
our bloodthirsty
spirits,
craving entrenchment,
lusting battlecries...
waging war
in all the foxholes
of our skin.
it is our skin.
we're a territory
where both
will lay claim.
the paper,
silence,
light,
these clothes,
laugh because
it's the truth.
our guerilla sheetwarfare;
our naked anarchies.
each trying -
violently,
sweaty, grappling -
to peel the skin
off the other,
to get to the layer
where we'd
prove
(in countless casualties,
in scathing diplomacy,
in toothmarked treatise)
it was really ourself.
it would be
our immaculate sabotage.
an army
fighting itself.
 
*runs away before getting caught reading the art of feelings*

*yellling all the while at IG There is another fine work of art that gets us all on the same page of thought*


Winking at the thought of misundertood wording
 
i have spent
a morning
licking your leavings
from the wounded gaps
in my soul.
i cannot keep this.
you cannot ever
keep this.
jeff mangum
said there are
some lives you
live,
and some
you leave behind.
it will never be
more than
the transparent
sheets
you have whitewashed
on my walls.
you will always -
we -
will always be
a life we
left behind.
i will get a new
notebook,
and keep you
out of those
sheets.
 
Thanks, Amber. :)

So I'm taking a break from Battlefront II to browse around, because my trigger finger is cramping. However, nothing new's been posted since the last time I got on. :lol:.


Happy Holidaze, kids.

ig
 
Many Thanks to IG and here's hoping she had fun in the art of Giving.


This site cracked me up when I threw in some of my writings.

Thought you I G would get a laugh from this. Let me know what you think of this site.


The Gender Genie
 
So, childrens. IG has returned from hiatus because she has stuff to tell the peoples.

*IndieGirl got fired yesterday from crappy MyFamily.com job. She always hated her job there, and totally knew this was coming, but didn't really expect it to happen around Christmastime, and definitely not for the reasons that it DID happen.

Apparently my old supervisor, and someone who I thought was a friend, has been grudging me for the past few months because I've remained friends with Su and Dan, and she's been totally embittered. (She thought Dan was madly in love with her. She's frighteningly delusional about relationships...) Anyway, my real supervisor was out of town on Tuesday, because she left for Thanksgiving a day early, and Jillian (the girl in question) was subbing for her.

Turns out Jillian's been trying to get rid of me for ages, because all the part-timers liked me better than her. (I'm not saying this to boast, I'm saying it because it's true.) So she makes up some completely BULLSHIT report about me undermining authority and being willfully disrespectful, and that I was browsing the web way after my break. (I had accidentally left the window open instead of shutting it down before I went back to my auditing work.)

She tells Tony (the manager from hell who hates me because I called him on the carpet for taking advantage of the fact that he's on salary and not hourly pay anymore, and that it's ridiculous that he suddenly only comes in for 15 hours a week tops) that she told me on numerous occasions that she needed me to scan the microfilm rescans, which are always top priority. And he pulled me aside yesterday and threw all this stuff in my face. What sickened me was the fact that he looked so happy while he said it.

In reality, all Jillian had said was, "When you're done with that audit, can you come film scan?" ONE TIME. And by the time I'd finished my audit, my shift was over. I tell Tony this. Tony says, "I have to trust my supervisors, or else everyone will think that I'm bending the rules for you, and I can't do that, or no one will respect the rules or me." Apparently he doesn't know that no one respects him anyway. Sigh.

Then they had me go get my stuff, and took my badge and he made me stand out in the snow for 20 minutes without a jacket while I waited for my ride. Wouldn't even let me wait in the foyer.

Now, I've been looking for another job for months, because I knew that Tony's been prowling for an excuse to throw me out on my ear. But to have a person who I thought was a friend, to have Jillian be the one who stabs in the back, at Christmastime, no less, was what hurt the most.

Y'know, I've always been one to have faith in people. To give humanity the benefit of the doubt. Especially here in Utah, with the predominance of a religion which teaches that Christlike attributes and actions are of the highest priority, and that to love your neighbor as yourself is one of the most important commandments. Sometimes it makes me really sad, to see how so many people blatantly and repeatedly say one thing and do another.

I admit that I haven't always been the best person for sticking to my Mormon beliefs. I do swear, sometimes a lot. And sometimes I, myself, can be really mean, but I don't do either of those things and think that I'm still in the right. And I don't go around telling people to be nice and stop swearing.

I suppose it's easy to understand that in a place where Mormons are so highly concentrated, you get a good dose of those who are Mormon because they think it makes them look good. To the point where looking like they live the gospel is more important than actually living it.

And then, when you superimpose that demographic on top of a corporate environment, I suppose I shouldn't be so surprised that hypocrisy and politics are even more pronounced. And that someone who calls people on the carpet for that sort of thing, someone who has always abhorred injustice, must have no place there.

Is it like that everywhere? I suppose I will never really be able to find a job where I fit in, because I don't fit in. I never have. I say what I think about things. I say how I feel. I tell people the truth, and never sit idly by while people in authority get away with crap.

But apparently those aren't important qualities. Apparently someone who's willing to take a stand is a menace, and not a help. Apparently standing for truth and justice is something that gets you fired, not something that helps.

It's hard, when your optimism, and your willingness to trust people, takes a hit like that. When you get slapped in the face for trying to be a friend, and trying to make a place better.

I think communism is a good idea, in theory. But I'll never believe in it, or advocate it, until you can prove to me than humanity is incorruptible.

Because at the end of the day, it seems, the liars and the hypocrites come out on top. And either there's something fundamentally wrong with the world, or there's something fundamentally wrong with me having faith in people.

And I'd hate to think that it's the latter.


disconnected - idlewild

i watch you stumble through the morning
i watch you stumble home at night
silhouetted by a sun without sunlight
i've watched you walk straight through an evening
when you're laden with the day
and the light of the moon, it only gets in your way
from a bedroom window I was anyone
and the street I look upon is my runaway
but I'm connected to the places I don't feel connected from
i'm connected to the place that I don't feel like I'm from
this is the kind of town where everyone knows each other
and everyone hates that they know each other
and no one is getting any younger
So move on here now
You don't belong here now
You don't belong
You'll never belong


doing something wrong - magnolia electric co.

last night the great bird was steady in his bow
i have got my shit together and I am ready to go
oh but the way I’ve been acting...
i’d have to be lucky
last night the grey moon
climbed right down in this hole
how on earth did you get down here
he said you know, that still ain’t clear
but I had my shit together
and I was ready to go
i must be doing something wrong
i’m gonna say this once for the both of us
there’s a lot of people out there who you can’t trust
there’s a lot of people out there who can’t trust us
just get your shit together
get ready to go




At least I have an interview at 3 today...

IG





IGEdit: Stray lyric...
 
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