THE SECURITY COUNCIL:
RECOGNISING that many national leaders have been successfully manipulated into believing that [nation=Northern Borland] consistently acts in the interests of other nations, having served for many years until July 2017 as the Advocate and Arbiter General of [region=Capitalist Paradise], which entails defending suspects in regional trials and helping resolve internal disputes before they escalate to the court system;
FEARFUL, however, that this community service has only helped Northern Borland hide its true legacy as a nation utterly dominated by its unregulated market, so much so that it has long called itself "A Good Place to Raise Your Business" in its tourism campaigns (advertisement which is hardly proving beneficial for a country now ranked by the World Census as the third-most avoided out of over 255,000 nations);
CONCERNED that, although Northern Borland is facially an economic miracle - boasting of the world's highest average disposable income (and sixth-highest average income before "tax"), most efficient economy, and fourth-highest gross domestic product - many of these gains are pocketed by the highest-earning decile, the 27th-richest upper class of any country, which currently earns fifty-five times as much as the nation's poorest decile;
AWARE that this wealthy fraction have amassed enough Greenbacks to distort World Census rankings on industry, with support from a government that uses its entire budget to subsidise it: the nation currently ranks in the
top sixty worldwide for twelve of the sixteen major industries tracked by the Census, resulting in the whole manufacturing sector being the 107th-largest in the world;
HORRIFIED at Northern Borland's refusal to imprison even its most hardened criminals, which - when combined with the fifth-rudest and fifth-most armed populace in the world, a sure sign of unscratchably-itchy trigger fingers - has produced the second-highest death rate, tenth-worst crime rate and 97th-worst youth crime rate of all nations;
DISMAYED that Northern Borlandians spend so much time working (Northern Borland has the multiverse's second-highest employment rate, fuelled by widespread child labour), spending (whether stimulating economic growth via the third-largest retail sector of any country or spunking a presumably tiny fraction of their life savings in the third-biggest gambling market), and eating (not only has hosting the biggest soft-drinks sector and fourth-largest pizza delivery market contributed to over 199 in every 200 citizens being obese - the highest obesity rate anywhere - but Northern Borland has helped countless dingy pizzerias advance similar outcomes around the world through its status as the fourth-largest exporter of cheese) that they inadvertently prop up their President and CEO by simply not caring, thus constituting the fourth most politically-apathetic populace;
OBSERVING that the Northern Borlandian government has proven duplicitous enough to set up
three satellite states with largely opposing goals to Northern Borland itself, namely:
- [nation=East Borland], which not only harbours a larger manufacturing sector than Northern Borland but is also the most avoided, most corrupt, and eighth-most patriotic state, no doubt a result of His Supreme Eminence's desperate attempt to keep his subjects in line by banning everything from immigration and emigration to video games and the practice of religion, closing off access to family planning services, and even condoning slavery;
- [nation=Deep South Borland], the world's most religious and most primitive country, and supposedly the fourth-most visited nation by tourists - a figure that must be called into doubt in light of its refusal to allow any planes to land on its territory (whether or not carrying any holidaymakers), prohibition of zoos, bar on organised sports, strict nationwide curfew and sponsorship of a religiously-driven human sacrifice program; and
- [nation=Tzo], a socialist experiment which many observers, the World Census included, believe is an open-minded society (Tzo has the smartest citizens, strongest dedication to equality, finest culture and best-quality food of any nation) supported by a capable government (while the size - and average tax take - of Tzo's government is outdone only by Kindjal, its health service, public transport, schools and benefit system are not similarly competitive) and strong communities (Tzo's citizens are the second-safest, seventh-healthiest, and ninth-most compliant, in part due to their government cracking down on cars, guns, cigarettes and slot machines while completely surrendering fiscal affairs to a robot); and
CONVINCED that those seeking to embrace capitalism ought to steer clear of the Northern Borlandian model, which has brought its citizenry little more than death, boredom, and mass-scale impulse buying:
HEREBY CONDEMNS [nation=Northern Borland].
