<3 Oh my GOD, it's Durk's memoirs!!! <3

JAL. Durk. Poo Dynasty. Ladies' Man. One of the most storied and beloved players of all time. An unparalleled career spanning nine years (2004-2013); five mostly lawful and popular GCR delegacies; thousands upon thousands of mostly legal and rightful ejections; and winner of the hearts and minds of thousands of adoring NSers. Periodically, I am asked by my fans to regale them with tales of yore. Considering the otherwise lackluster historiography of this game, I have long considered adding my two cents. I have not actively played NS in over seven years, and many newer players don't even know who I am (for shame). Yet who am I to forfeit this one final opportunity to bloviate and stroke my own (well-deserved) ego, while also hopefully providing for the necessary edification of the younger generations of NSers? As the Romans said, scripta manent -- the written words remain.

With this, I present to you my memoirs. The memoirs of my erstwhile characters JAL/Durk/etc. Buckle up for this TELL ALL AMAZING PEICE OF HISTORIC LITERATURE.

PART 1: THE EARLY YEARS

2004. March or April perhaps? Francos Spain was delegate; America was kicking ass in Iraq; and ever the earnest student thirsty for knowledge and good grades, I sat bored in my high school computer lab. I think we were learning about HTML and GeoCities, but I already knew it all. Instead of doing my actual work, I spent my classes fiddling around Google or something and stumbled across Nationstates. I created a nation (I forget the name), answered some issues, and let the nation lapse out of boredom.

A few months later, in December 04, I was browsing the GameFAQs forum Life, the Universe, and Everything. Some good folks from that forum created a NS region called GameFAQs. I joined with the nation Canadian Communes. I joined the UN, as it was called. I decided to become delegate, so I created a bunch of other UNs with various emails, and voted myself into the delegacy. I griefed the region by ejecting everyone and everything other than my own multied puppets. Think there were 40-50 nations in there before I nuked the place. Lol. Every puppet involved would be banned except for one John Ashcroft Land, probably because I forgot to put UN on it. JAL was born.

My early actions in GameFAQs would set the stage for the rest of my career -- of course, I would never outgrew my youthful vigor and general desire to eject everyone constantly. I wanted a bigger stage. I needed a bigger stage. I moved to the Pacific in January 2005, at this point led by Unlimited and the People's Republic of the Pacific. Francos Spain had left the game a few months prior, but the PRP circa 2005 was home to some of the sharpest minds around, with many deft and persuasive writers in the Senate in particular. I was basically a moron back then (hey I was 16, cut me some slack), so most of it was lost on me.

I filled the PRP forums with hundreds of posts per month about this and that -- spam posts and anti-defender wingnuttery, mainly. Much of this happened during my robotics internship at Johns Hopkins University's Department of Mechanical Engineering. Instead of focusing on this once-in-a-lifetime elite internship opportunity, I spent my hours trolling the ADN in the halls of IRC. Don't be like me, kids. In fact, don't even play this game.

Anyway, I trolled so well that the Senate appointed me High Judge. High Judge of the PRP was basically a meaningless title fashioned to keep the noobies (well, me) happy, and to fill the void left by Pierconium's Senatorial "departure" after couping this region. I soaked it up. I ordered hundreds of nations to be ejected or banned by Unlimited, mainly for stuff like having offensive or perverse national names or mottos or whatever.

This fellow from the ADN named Grenval created an alt named Zelera and moved it into the Pacific. Basically, the point was to troll and antagonize but also to experience a different side of the game -- he was mostly harmless. But, as High Judge, I initiated and then presided over a show trial against Zelera. The charges were espionage or something (I forget), or perhaps simply not being anti-ADN enough. I gabbled extensively in the Pacific's IRC channel that I would rule against Zelera no matter what, basically revealing my prejudice to the entire NS world in a time when the PRP was under great geopolitical scrutiny. Minineenee (<3) forwarded these (public) logs to BlackAdder, who reprimanded me (in public).

The Senate sold the Pacific out to the dastardly ADN fenda scum! Or that's what I sincerely thought. The angsty teen version of me whinged and wined about this to my buddies Karpathos and Mussolandia, and then I naturally betrayed everyone and switched sides to the ADN. I moved into Nasicournia and met the crew, including Pope Hope and Unistrut. To my dismay, I had no valuable intel to provide. But for a time, I was a rigid defender and a hardcore democrat. Lol, yes, I know. As was the case throughout my Nationstates métier, my beloved character JAL was all about teamwork, consistency, and good gamesmanship -- qualities imparted to the next generation via my protege Cormac. Yeah

Back then, you see, players would typically pay a steep price for disloyalty, and I was no exception. Although nominally in the ADN, I would go nowhere and be trusted by literally no one for the next few years, squandering my time in a series of useless titles and roles. Not much to say about this era, except that I once ran for a cabinet position in TWP against Freedom and Pride and got literally zero votes. Against freaking FaP of all people. Jeez. BTW, interesting note: the term "fap" had yet to enter the internet's lexicon circa 2005, so the humor of his initials was hitherto not evident.

Eventually, JAL would find his way to this lovely region, where our intrepid hero's story will continue shortly...

OK, so turns out our intrepid hero's story would continue over a year later. The author gots important stuffs to do in real life. Anyway.

PART 2: THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENED

I joined the North Pacific in the summer of 2006, in a beleaguered and disgraced state. I left the PRP just as it became a diplomatic juggernaut, and for the ADN no less, mere months before its gradual fade into irrelevancy. Also, I was angsty IRL and kind of retarded. Needless to say, I brought a plethora of invaluable attributes and skillsets to this region. I therefore ran and was elected to the position of Minister of Internal Affairs, which I would hold through numerous terms.

In my new role, I enjoyed much success tripping out with the cool people on IRC's #tnp. Little if any actual work got done during these times, but you know it's NS so whatever. Noteworthy was the TNP/Lexicon "war". Back then, there were a couple of cool cats named Insane Power and Cathyy and they ran some unendorsement campaigns against our delegate (GBM? Or maybe Erastide). NS circa mid 2006 was so inactive and dull that this 'war' was the only thing happening. I made a name for myself running endorsement campaigns *in favor* of our democratically elected delegate. Imagine that. JAL being a constructive member of a regional community. Yeah, it did happen, that one time.

Let's skip forward a year. TNP was getting couped on a monthly basis. Emperor Matthuis was elected delegate and couped. Dalimbar was elected delegate and couped. Great Bight was even elected Prime Minister under an alias, and then helped with a coup. This was after he couped the region a first time. Then, Westwind was elected delegate, and he couped too. I served in his cabinet and openly supported the whole thing. All this couping was making my nips hard. I had to find a way to direct more attention onto myself. I had to coup.

I couped three times in a one year period, beginning with Lazarus. People ask me how I did it. Here's what happened. Here's my secret sauce:

You know that rule about how the nation with the most endorsements gets to be delegate? I had this brilliant plan that evidently nobody else was willing to try. I endorsement swapped, eventually surpassing the sitting delegate, Harmoneia, who hadn't logged in for weeks. Upon achieving the delegacy, I attention whored, establishing a new government and forum, and was universally condemned by everyone. Lazarus didn't have a ban button back then, otherwise I would have ejected loads of people, too. Eventually, I was toppled.

A couple months later, I publicly changed my name from JAL to Durkadurkiranistan, and ran for delegate of the North Pacific on a platform of turning the region into an Islamic Republic. I defeated Erastide in a landslide election. THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENED. Anyway, after a few months of running an Islamic Republic, I started advertising in all our foreign embassies an upcoming event. THE BIGGEST EVENT IN NS HISTORY. At this point, I had yet to formulate a plan, but I was thinking it might be a good idea to start ejecting everyone. Moldavi had done something similar to the Pacific years before, and he was a pretty cool dood. I figured I'd do something like that, maybe, but I wanted to take it a step further. The day came. The day of the BIGGEST EVENT IN NS HISTORY.

I returned home from my college classes. I heated up some dank ramen, ate dinner, and chillaxed for a while. Refreshed, I hopped on IRC and started broadcasting in all the chat rooms that something big was about to happen. I directed all eyes to the North Pacific. Having successfully directed the world's attention onto myself, I solidified this attention by arbitrarily ejecting thousands of nations with reckless abandon. One after another, page after page. The hate telegrams started to roll in from the newly ejected. What a genuine pleasure.

I targeted low influence, non-WA nations, with the goal of shrinking the regional population as much as possible. This was a tedious process, taking hours to complete. I would go on to become a true marksman and an expert in my craft, but alas, in 2009 I was still a novice with the ban button. This was like the kindergarten of Durk coups, and TNP was my finger painting. My artwork was tacky and gauche, yet beautiful. Jejune, yet inventive. I savored every ejection. I had many laughs at the distressed telegrams I was receiving from all the randos I was arbitrarily tossing from the region.

NS was abuzz. I had thoroughly unloaded all my influence, reducing the regional population by over 80% to 407 nations (I remember the exact number; boy was I proud). Not since the earliest days of the game had a feeder population been so tiny. A blizzard of WA condemnations poured onto Durkadurkiranistan. One of them immediately rocketed its way to the WA floor and seemed destined for passage. I was honored, but I had other plans. I wanted to become the first delegate to suicide by mod. My plan was to put George Carlin's infamous 'seven dirty words' in the WFE, but NS automatically censored them. I put them in the regional flag instead. Mods took it down. I put it back up. Mods took it down again. I put it back up again. Finally, mods deleted my nation. Felt good man, although I aimed for a full-blown DoS.

I had reached the pinnacle of Nationstatesdom, after all. I had pushed the game to its utter limit. I had put the word c*nt in the regional flag of a feeder and got myself mod-deleted. There was nothing left to accomplish.

Ha! I was wrong. I would be back in the TNP delegacy within half a year. I would live to purge and coup again, next time with indispensable assistance from my devoted lieutenant: Unibot. I still had three more feeder coups to go.

PART 3: THE UNIBOT AND JAL DREAM TEAM


The year was 2010. I had recently finished college, and should have been interviewing for jobs amidst the financial crisis. But instead of doing that, why not play a dying browser-based political simulator instead? Yep, let's put off my RL career and instead...

LET'S.

PLAY.

NATIONSTATES!

In the summer of '10, the North Pacific was run by this honest, well-liked delegate guy named Ermarian. He was, however, inactive, and went weeks without logging into the game. Seemingly, this seemed to be a feeder tradition of the era. Also in accordance with feeder tradition, I immediately got to work intending to subvert him and arbitrarily eject everyone. Again.

There was this super popular and beloved player floating around the feeders named <3 Unibot <3. Young, idealistic, and ambitious, I told him all about my unwavering support for feeder democracy (where in this case the 'votes' are endorsements and the 'election' is the endorsement count). Given my unassailable record of democratizing the shit out of Lazarus a couple years prior, I earned his enthusiastic support.

I effortlessly walked into the delegacy via endorsement swapping, and established the North Pacific Provisional Authority, while appointing my faithful compadre, Unibot, to my cabinet. ***THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENED***

I then got to the hard work of ejecting as many innocent minnow nations as possible, for the lolz.

Let's review. My career to this point had featured a number of ***things that actually happened***:

1.) Began in the PRP, serving as Unlimited's High Judge
2.) Defected to the ADN; joined the fenda scum
3.) Was elected delegate of TNP, defeating Erastide and turning it into an Islamic Republic
4.) Ejected 80% of the region, inserted the c-word, f-word, etc into the regional flag, and forced game moderation to delete my delegate nation
5.) Then I endorsement swapped my way back into the TNP Delegacy a few months later, with help from Unibot

Due to influence-related problems harshing my chill, I would be toppled within a few days. Unfortunate. Influence is killing the game, man. Spare a thought for us tyrants and trolls.

BTW, around this time, I founded two imperialist regions: The Imperial Legion and Exshaw. Both regions thrived and produced countless successful and beloved players. ...I don't remember much from this period.

In early 2013, I was invited by Milograd to help coup the South Pacific. I don't remember much about this, either. To be candid, this coup was all Milograd, although I manned the delegacy for several updates and ejected hundreds of innocent pipsqueaks for the lolz. Hail Milograd, hail Mallorea and Riva, and hail the South Pacific's Great Leap Forward.

PART 4: LIBERATING OSIRIS

Only a few months later. Usiris. The Osiris Imperium. Whatever you want to call it, my final 'illegitimate' GCR regime would last for exactly one month, which would be my final and longest duration coup of my career. The Dourian Embassy lost some stupid forum election. Understandably distraught at the results of free and fair elections, he gave his nation to Nevadar of Gatesville, who then gave it to me.

I wanted to push the boundaries of acceptable gameplay to their limits. Having made an utter ass of myself through my involvement in numerous coups and purges, and even getting my own nation mod-deleted, what else was there to do? Oh yeah, claim a GCR as a colony of a UCR. Surely that'd piss people off. I assumed the title of Imperator Governor and established Osiris as a colonial possession of Gatesville. Furthermore, I (predictably) launched a campaign of indiscriminately ejecting/banning everyone. Turns out the sanctimonious feederites -- those usual suspects -- didn't care for this turn of events. Despite widespread disdain for Osiris's 'legitimately elected' fenda government, we would enjoy almost zero public support from anyone.

This was a monumental achievement upon which I proudly hang my hat. In an unprecedented act of unanimity, virtually everyone in gameplay condemned our innovative government. Furthermore, due to my stated desire to eject everyone and make Osiris a terrible place, The Dourian Embassy was unendorsed by almost everyone aside for obvious WA switchers. These nations, controlled by various outside militaries, would 'switch sides' at some theoretical future time. I say 'obvious' because my intelligence network was actually quite sophisticated at this point, but from what I could tell, the Osiris resistance itself seriously underestimated the number of defender switchers at the time. I don't recall specifics, though.

This status quo would limp onward for nearly a month. Eventually, it would become more and more apparent that I had almost no native endorsements other than those from outside switchers. I knew my coup -- my masterpiece, my work of art -- was nearing its finale. I had established myself as a Nationstates GOAT, but wanted to try my hand at one more Gameplay Innovation.

I worked with Cormac and North East Somerset to negotiate in bad faith a 'deal'/contract, enforceable by leaving the high-influence Dourian Embassy in Osiris with a modestly high endorsement count. The terms of the contract were that Osiris would repudiate its defender roots, Cormac specifically would take the delegacy (Nevadar and I liked him), and Osiris would basically agree to apologize to GV and accept responsibility for the coup, among other embarrassing demands I don't remember.

I knew that any 'deal' would inevitably be repudiated. I mean, Cormac was on the other end of it, FFS. Still, I hoped this would cement my legacy as an inveterate *innovator* of Nationstates gameplay.

My poison pill contract was repudiated with unfortunate speed. Osiris natives would use an update-hopping technique to temporarily launch a very high-influence nation into the delegacy, and ban the Dourian Embassy from the region the next day. Arguably, this is cheating and an abuse of GP mechanics. Well, not really, but seriously you guys should have just gone along with my ideas damnit. My talent and professionalism light the way. For the greater good. Etc.

Shortly thereafter, I non-ironically served as Balder's Security Minister. I did a great job, as evidenced by the 10 years of Balderian stability and security that followed.

In conclusion, I innovate. Remember me for this, if nothing else. I defied the woke mob to insert the c-word into the North Pacific's regional flag. I was the first, and (to my knowledge) only feeder delegate to have his nation deleted by game moderation. I was the first to explicitly colonize a GCR on behalf of a UCR. I've griefed nearly half of the GCRs in existence.

In the Sermon on the Mount, Christ preached, "Blessed are the JALs: for they shall inherit all the delegacies." (Matthew 6:9, maybe)

Blessed indeed. And, bless you, Nationstates!

So, who's FaP?

Gorundu:

So, who's FaP?

Click to expand...

Kid from 2004/2005 famous for animated waving US flag avatars and trying to port the US constitution to regions in NS. At the time, no one took him seriously, but I thought he was unwittingly hilarious. I think he helped write TNP's first constitution after the Directorate. I'm not sure how he managed to make such a large impression on me that I had to mention him in my memoirs, but there you go.

updated with part 2

good job Durk!

Parts 3 and 4... fin. Only took me 2.5 years to write a few pages of text.

I have enjoyed this trip down memory lane. And as a "sanctimonious feederite," I find you've given us all a fine blueprint for how to be a dick in NS.