Voting Instructions:The Security Council,
Beginning with lamentation that Auphelia has subjugated The South Pacific to its rule as a four-time Local Councillor of the region;
Frightened by the sheer number of messages with which Auphelia has bombarded various regional message boards, making it impossible for nations to keep up with vital diplomatic affairs,
Incensed that, to make matters worse, Auphelia has published many of these messages on trivial or pernicious topics in outrageous disregard of readers’ sanity (for example, repeatedly issuing statements consisting only of quotes from a certain satirical sitcom, as well as flooding several regions with portraits of Auphelian cult leader Norman the Turtle, causing him to gain a following in other nations and leading to chaos and disruption in world communication);
Sympathetic to the government of The South Pacific, which was forced to create an entirely new line of communication in the region of Knowhere in response to Auphelia’s persistent disregard for norms of diplomatic interaction;
Mortified that Auphelia has inundated The South Pacific with hundreds of polls on wasteful or egocentric topics, of which it is best to mention only a few in order to preserve voters’ intellects, such as Cats: What are they? and What word best describes Auphelia?;
Turning up its nose at the nine horrendous musicals Auphelian playwrights have authored, including The Gods, Tyrannical, and Helter Skelter, which (in addition to the aforementioned polls) Auphelia sends to unconsenting nations in The East Pacific, The North Pacific, 10000 Islands, Forest, and elsewhere by commandeering The South Pacific’s embassies;
Quite annoyed that Auphelia claims its language consists only of words that look like “wheat”, causing foreigners to unintentionally insult Auphelia and cause diplomatic crises simply by saying “wheat wheat” when they mean “wheat wheat”;
Appalled that Auphelia has wreaked havoc in world bureaucracy by instructing the officials of new nations to fill out fictitious forms and complete absurd or impossible actions as if they were enforceable law;
Calling out Auphelia’s state media, Auphelia News Now, for its biased and scandal-focused journalism, which has involved reporting on a fabricated rodent takeover of the world and perpetuating the conspiracy theory that The South Pacific’s regional mascot had been kidnapped;
Very disappointed that Auphelia allowed its satellite nation, Puddles the Puppy, to terrorize the regions of Lazarus and The East Pacific by sending an admittedly cute but secretly Auphelian-possessed puppy named Puddles to snuffle hundreds of national leaders to death;
Tut-tutting at the fact that Auphelia supports roving bands of pirates, which not only make safe navigation of The South Pacific’s seas a nightmare, but have also invaded The North Pacific on several occasions;
Enraged that Auphelia advocated the wholesale genocide of all marsupials, labelling nations with high marsupial populations as “marsupial scum” and establishing the Anti-Marsupial Council to arrest and interrogate marsupial sympathisers;
Unable to express the full extent of its revulsion at Auphelia’s pioneering of so-called “creative torture” methods, including, as a small sampling:
Utterly horrified at the vast number of crimes against humanity, including the aforementioned as well as numerous others, which Auphelia has advocated or committed on victims from across the world and particularly frequently on citizens of The Solar System Scope and Si-topia;
- Ripping off the limbs of victims and shoving them in the victim’s eyes,
- Chopping up victims and serving them in a soup cauldron,
- Dipping victims in capsaicin,
- Whacking victims with tentacles and lead pipes,
- Flaying victims alive,
- Cracking open victims’ rib cages and performing vivisections,
- Sending waves of insects to enter the orifices of victims to eat the victim’s organs, lay their eggs, and eat through their flesh, and
- Throwing victims into a woodchipper;
Revealing that Auphelia has turned these gross savageries into an industry, having established several immoral facilities from which it derives a great portion of its economic product:
Simply shocked that Auphelia’s reign of terror in The South Pacific continues, unchecked, to this day;
- The Torture Labyrinth, in which hundreds of victims languish,
- The Auphelian Hospital and Tetanus Emporium, from which no patient has yet emerged alive,
- The Pleasure Centre, a strip club and erotic ice cream parlour;
Hereby Condemns Auphelia.
Coauthored by Rabbitz
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