Dirtbag Books: A Retelling

The premise here is simple, but the potential for hilarity, shock, revulsion, and awe is vast. Take a favorite scene from any classic work of fiction, and rewrite it with a contemporary twist.

For example, a dirtbag revisiting of Louisa May Alcott's Little Women might look something like this:

JO: has anyone seen my manuscript
MEG: no
BETH: no
AMY: no
saw a fire that looked an awful lot like your manuscript, tho

Or...

The girls are ice skating on the pond
AMY: i'm tired
i'm tired and this sucks
winter sucks
take me home
Amy falls through the ice
AMY: HELP ME
JO: sorry
cant hear you
AMY: CHRIST I'M DROWNING
JO: let me know if you see my manuscript down there

Or...

JO skateboards over LAURIE's head
JO: I got your note
you're not my boyfriend


Your turn to do the contemporary thing and ruin what we love by modernizing it!

MEG: Beth is dead!
JO: OMG
MARMEE: no, no...
AMY: can I have her room
MEG: OMG
AMY: sorry
may I have her room

KARL MARX: (running up the stairs) more like crapitalism
HENRIETTA MARX: what was that?
KARL: nothing

BEOWULF: so how many Grendels have you killed so far, Unferth
anyone here who's killed a Grendel raise your hand
that's what I thought

GRENDEL: more like Gayowulf

BEOWULF: hey Grendel
say hi to your mom for me

BEOWULF: anyone here who's killed a Grendel raise your hand
(he raises Grendel's torn-off arm)
raise the hand of however many Grendels you've killed
hey Unferth
stop hitting yourself
stop hitting yourself with Grendel's hand

UNFERTH: my lord, i should never have doubted you
and i'm sorry i--
please stop doing that

BEOWULF: im not doing anything
im not even touching you
Grendel's touching you

BEOWULF: (skateboarding out of the mead-hall) Hwaetever!

THE SUN ALSO RISES

JAKE: internal angst over loss of manhood

JAKE: turns to drinking

JAKE: sees Brett

JAKE: internal pining over Brett and more angst over masculinity

JAKE: cries alone in bed

JAKE: drinks

JAKE: pines

JAKE: goes to see bullfighting with friends, is reminded of loss of masculinity, manages to break a friendship by pining

JAKE: drinks some more

JAKE: ends up in a fistfight over Brett and loses

JAKE: drinks some more

JAKE: small ball of bitterness, self-deprecation and pining. and alcoholism. can't forget that.

THE END