IG's Inner Monologue

Discussion in 'Blogs' started by IndieGirl, May 14, 2016.

  1. IndieGirl

    IndieGirl TNPer

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    15,175
    If I could sum up my NS gameplay philosphy (perhaps even my philosophy for life in general) into one idea, that would be it. Friendship calls the faithful. If you can't make your house - or region - feel like a home, where there is a foundation of affection and respect beneath everyday issues, squabbles, and moods, you'll never feel the true need to protect, cherish, guard, and defend it.

    I received a lovely email last week from a dear friend I hadn't heard from in years, a dear friend that I made here, in The North Pacific, over a decade ago. I have a handful of such treasured associations from those days, whom I most definitely don't communicate with as often as I should. I intend to change that, moving forward. That beloved group of compatriots from all corners of the globe, in a very real and indescribable way, became my family. I cherish them, and recall our often ridiculous antics more fondly than I can begin to say.

    I love The North Pacific. It feels like a childhood home to me. There are strangers who live here, now. But strangers have the delightful potential to be friends. I want to stick around this time, and give that potential the opportunity it deserves.

    In very real ways, that I might one day share, this place, and the people who once gathered here, saved my life. What kind of gratitude have I shown for that? Perhaps not as much as I should. I hope that changes. I owe these e-hallowed halls at least that much.

    I truly look forward to getting to know each of you.
     
  2. Wolfsea

    Wolfsea TNPer

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    1,850
    Welcome back and if you want crazy ramblings look no further than my blog Dunces with wolves.

    looking forward to seeing you in action too rP-wise ;)
     
  3. Great Bights Mum

    Great Bights Mum Grande Dame - - - -

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    :hug: I feel exactly the same way.
     
  4. Kaschovia

    Kaschovia Eternal Sunshine Deputy Speaker - -

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    I know I haven't been here for that long, but I can't wait for the future, especially with such fantastic people!
     
  5. IndieGirl

    IndieGirl TNPer

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    Huzzah! Anyone who knows me, even a little, knows I am always a fan of crazy ramblings. :D
     
  6. IndieGirl

    IndieGirl TNPer

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    15,175
    Mumsy, I just love you, and have so missed your sense of humor, warmth, and wit. I'm so glad your familiar face is still here! :hug:
     
  7. IndieGirl

    IndieGirl TNPer

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    15,175
    I feel like we're already becoming good friends, Kasch. Thank you for being so welcoming!
     
  8. Kaschovia

    Kaschovia Eternal Sunshine Deputy Speaker - -

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    15,198
    Honestly, I should be thanking all of you guys, as it was those few starting days that made me feel at home here. I just turned up, endorsed a few people and viola! Here I am.
     
  9. IndieGirl

    IndieGirl TNPer

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    15,175
    And it's a pleasure to have you here, Kasch! We can be "new" and spam the OOC together.
     
  10. mcmasterdonia

    mcmasterdonia TNPer - - - - -

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    20,072
    Wonderful to have you back. I shall look forward to reading your posts whenever I have the opportunity to check in.
     
  11. Felis

    Felis TNPer

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    3,372
    Oooh! Hello there, your attitude already makes me like you c:
     
  12. Welcome home, IndieGirl. I've heard a lot about you over the last few years from people that talk about you fondly and I'm really pleased to have the honour of meeting you myself.
     
  13. IndieGirl

    IndieGirl TNPer

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    15,175
    I'll do my best to make them worth the effort. ;)
     
  14. IndieGirl

    IndieGirl TNPer

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    15,175
    :hello: Thank you, and hooray!
     
  15. IndieGirl

    IndieGirl TNPer

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    15,175
    Thank you so very much, Mr. Delegate. The pleasure is mine! :blush:
     
  16. Kaschovia

    Kaschovia Eternal Sunshine Deputy Speaker - -

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    15,198
    IndieGirl, you have become somewhat famous on these forums!
     
  17. Syrixia

    Syrixia The one, the true, the great. - - -

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    12,408
    TNP Nation:
    Syrixia
    Discord:
    Syrixia#9338
    *grumble grumble*
     
  18. IndieGirl

    IndieGirl TNPer

    Messages:
    15,175
    One of my best friends lives just outside Orlando, and regularly goes to karaoke night at a satellite location of Pulse, and sometimes makes the trip into Orlando with a bunch of friends on the weekend. When I heard about the shooting, I panicked hoping she was okay, because I wasn't sure if she was there or not. Thankfully, she was alright, but then we found out that her boyfriend's little sister was there. They spent all day yesterday with no news, waiting to hear from her, and then found out last night that she was killed. She was only 25.

    I hate that this happened. I hate that things like the continue to happen. I hate that until we figure out a way to get rid of the corruption in our government right now, lobbyists will make sure that the important discussions aren't even allowed to take place, let alone actually implementing the desperately needed changes.

    R.I.P. Amanda Alvear. I'm sorry our country is so broken. I'm sorry that hate and terror stole your life and your family's happiness. I pray that they are blessed with an added measure of strength, peace, and comfort during this confusing and difficult time, and I pray that those of us who can, will stand up and choose to change the things we can so preventable tragedies like this will stop happening.
     
  19. IndieGirl

    IndieGirl TNPer

    Messages:
    15,175
    Sometimes, I write poetry. I have ever since I was about 13. It's part of where the name Poe came from.

    Other times, occasionally, I will even share some of said poetry. This is one of those times...

    day ran away
    day ran away
    on no legs &
    cement block feet

    home at last
    but my head's still
    down your street

    skip skip skip
    repeat type
    type type delete


    looking glass
    tired
    of tech
    -nology
    trying
    to move
    my life

    further
    &
    further
    out/away
    of/from
    my body

    we are
    already
    ghosts
    in machines


    untitled
    pushed against
    this word wall

    in a slow
    show dance
    around tell
    nots & knots

    in tiny
    spirals brick
    by brick
    to a long void
    & low hum

    poetry
    a bird of prey
    shrieked

    sunk talons
    through my shoulders
    & flung me at
    a halo moon

    full of holes
    & the hot
    spread of my
    own blood

    too many
    people say
    all the same
    things with
    all the same
    words

    i want you
    in these lines

    not what you
    think i want
    in these lines

    don't tell me
    the heart
    is heavy

    tell me what
    sound an
    iron heart

    away
    from a
    magnet
    presence

    makes when it
    meets the ground

    start putting
    wrong words
    together
    instead

    grey hours &
    long breaths

    find me regret
    in being too much
    of a thing
    to hold onto

    it's silent
    & time dilates

    as my last
    words
    edgeskirt
    spaces where

    it still won't
    speak anything
    beside that
    blind stare

    infinite hopes
    scream
    underneath
    paper skin

    crisp edges
    of september
    outline all my
    pencil
    possibilities

    eyes
    look like
    they'd
    look good
    on me

    they're knots
    in all my
    little nerve

    endings
    & bite marks
    inside my

    bottom lip

    a diffusion
    of self

    across
    every tiny
    universe

    each a tiny
    stone, a
    peace

    pulled
    from all
    these places
    where i lie

    each a
    little grey
    good
    bye

    forever
    echoing
    low rumbles
    of laughter

    cups filled
    with the taste
    of my name
    on other
    tongues

    just ash
    & aches
    of stars
    between
    sheets

    listen long
    enough
    to miss it
    entirely

    only ever
    effervescent

    light in
    periphery

    last notes
    hung on
    silence

    a timbre
    i tell to
    myself
     
  20. IndieGirl

    IndieGirl TNPer

    Messages:
    15,175
    just ash

    this is only
    a smoke trail &
    long-licked sky
    burns far ahead.

    watch how flame
    curls on the edge of
    all that comes first.

    sun gleam
    weaves a liquid gold
    line & cartographs
    clouds or
    progression or
    progress through clouds.

    like violet mountains--
    snaggletooth'd--bite into
    sky, bite through
    everything
    insubstantial & just
    insist on their space,
    daring anyone bolder
    to claim it.

    you can climb
    a mountain if you
    must, but
    can you move
    a mountain out of
    need?

    until all its height,
    heft, substance
    & stubbornness
    sit entirely beneath
    the balls of your tiny,
    tired feet.

    because sometimes
    faith is there
    to move you
    up the mountain, or
    to move the mountain
    beneath your work
    & willfulness.

    i just want
    to peel these
    peals of laughter
    from the sides
    of this ribcage,
    set them free like
    so many birds
    from this mountaintop.

    watch what’s most
    myself, but not me,
    climb higher if i
    let it go, if i
    don’t have to worry
    about hanging on.

    echoes of all
    my inside selves
    reverberate from
    canyon walls, skip
    across the tops of
    douglas firs & shake
    all the little aspen
    leaves.

    coyote chased
    me up a mountain
    to make me
    love it, to make
    me stop faulting
    it from so far away.

    coyote snapped
    at my ankles, tore
    my achilles until i
    learned to run
    without it, until
    hurt and impossibility
    became new legs
    i climbed into &
    made work for me.

    coyote bit
    the flesh from my
    back until all i saw
    was spine & i
    found a backbone
    to build a new
    body, or a new
    being in the body
    i already had.

    coyote laughed
    & i recoiled, until
    the hiss & hackles i
    raised became
    breath through sharp
    teeth & matted blond
    fur that smelled
    like leaves &
    late october.



    summer

    got that smother
    sensation
    & everything i touch
    feels dirty because it’s

    all too hot. even

    with bare feet
    under my desk i
    can’t breathe.
    jeans suffocate
    calves & thighs &

    i am ready for my skin
    to split open like
    a hot vine tomato

    too ripe, not picked
    soon enough to keep
    this heat from
    tearing me open. or

    me tearing me
    open, just to
    strip down after i’ve
    stripped down to
    last layers & still got
    that squalid sweat sense

    of fraying at all my dry
    ends & ready to
    catch fire.



    pick

    a word, pick
    a string of words.

    a poem can be
    a beaded thing, not like
    a strand of pearls, more like when you stick
    a threaded needle into
    a bright pile of glass beads.

    a pattern emerges,
    an unintended result of repetition.
    a single bead that marks
    a beginning:
    a color, or shape for
    an eye to stick to.

    a rhythm in
    all of the static
    and white noise.
     
  21. Kaschovia

    Kaschovia Eternal Sunshine Deputy Speaker - -

    Messages:
    15,198
    beautiful!!!!
     
  22. IndieGirl

    IndieGirl TNPer

    Messages:
    15,175
    :blush:

    a cautionary tale
    some days, it takes
    all of your will
    just to feel indifferent.


    too red
    sometimes it takes me
    too far back
    & i'm forced to
    wade through regret
    shame silence guilt
    stupidity
    silly me

    resurface
    just long enough
    to pull me back in
    & i drown in all my
    obligations, all
    my inanities &
    real things i have
    & haven't
    done

    why do i revisit
    this labyrinth & think
    i can ever find myself
    or find what i
    left behind & still
    look for on long nights

    god damn internet
    instant access to
    insecurity &
    idiotsyncracies

    i've crawled into
    a sparklehorsehole
    to write this because
    it is noise & comfort
    & a self it doesn't
    make me hate

    for all the nothings
    i have been
    or am being

    it was more
    space than i
    could handle
    this time, the tide
    is too far out

    global warming
    or some shit
    made it so it
    can't come back to
    that line
    that life

    i got
    old somewhere
    along the way
    been thinking
    in lines too straight
    for too long

    & i don't have
    time to be anything
    besides what
    everyone
    needs me to be

    it only ever
    comes back to
    open all the wounds
    of what i've not done
    & leaves too soon
    leaves me
    bleeding lonely
    like it's actually
    lifeblood these days

    i had just circled
    back to a little poetry
    & felt pleased
    with myself

    now i'm only
    undone, riled

    naked with the ends
    of what once was
    a sweater
    in my hand

    trying to sew
    my mouth shut
    so i stop saying
    so much
    so much except
    the everything i
    could've would've should've
    said

    if only i'dn'ta...

    up a rabbit hole
    reading under a tree
    alice grew up
    got a job
    got debt &
    pretty sure they
    paved over the way
    back to wonderland

    no rowed back
    to someday isle

    the nots in my stomach
    keep saying so