Al's Joke of the Day

Alvino Castillon

Alvino Castillon

TNPer
PREPARE TO BE AMUSED. AMUSEMENT SHALL BEGIN NOW.

His closest advisors came to visit Dubya at the White House one evening and found him slamming down beers and whooping it up. They were astonished since he had given up drinking years ago. When asked why he was off the wagon, Dubya replied that he was celebrating finishing a jigsaw puzzle. They smiled and told him that wasn't much of an accomplishment. "Ah, but you're wrong. I did it in record time." When asked what that record was, he replied that he had finished it after only 6 months. Again, they told him that wasn't that great. "Oh yeah?" said the commander in chief, "Well the box says 3-5 YEARS!"

YOU ARE NOW AMUSED.

Until tomorrow,
Alvino Castillon
 
Thank you very much! I'm glad you liked it!


PREPARE TO BE AMUSED. AMUSEMENT SHALL BEGIN NOW.

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer. You are in the wrong place."

So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake. He should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way." I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"

YOU ARE NOW AMUSED.

Until tomorrow,
Alvino Castillon
 
Glad you folks like that one... hopefully this one will be as good!


PREPARE TO BE AMUSED. AMUSEMENT SHALL BEGIN NOW.

Little Johnny asks his father for a $200 bicycle for his birthday.

Johnny's father says, "We have an $80,000 mortgage on the house, and I just got laid off! There won't be a $200 bike this year."

Two days later, Little Johnny walks out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase. His father asks him why he's leaving.

Johnny says, "Early this morning, I was walking past your room, and I heard you tell Mommy that you were pulling out, and Mommy said that you should wait because she was coming too, and I'll be damned if I'll get stuck with an $80,000 mortgage!"

YOU ARE NOW AMUSED.

Until tomorrow,
Alvino Castillon
 
PREPARE TO BE AMUSED. AMUSEMENT SHALL BEGIN NOW.

Taking a break from the campaign trail, John McCain decides to take in a movie.

After buying his ticket, he stops at the concession stand to purchase some popcorn. Handing the attendant $5, he says, "The last time I came to the movies, popcorn didn't cost anywhere near this much money. "

"Well, sir," the attendant replies with a grin, "you're in for an even bigger surprise -- the movies have sound now."

YOU ARE NOW AMUSED.

Until tomorrow,
Alvino Castillon
 
Great idea, Al! :) Actually quite good.

Here's one, just to get in on the spirit:

G. W. Bush was very depressed that people were saying he is stupid. So he calls his good friend Queen Elizabeth, who says, "Now George, what you need to do is to surround yourself with smart people. Let me show you."
She conference calls Tony Blair in and asks, "Tony, your parents had a baby. It isn't your sister and it isn't your brother. Who is it?"
Tony Blair replies, "It's me!" and hangs up.
G.W. Bush then calls Dick Cheney and says, "Dick, your parents had a baby. It isn't your sister and it isn't your brother. Who is it?"
And Cheney says, "Wow, that's a tough one. Let me get back to you."
So Cheney calls Colin Powell and says, "Colin, your parents had a baby. It isn't your sister and it isn't your brother. Who is it?"
And Colin Powell says, "It's me!"
So Cheney calls Bush and says, "It's Colin Powell."
And Bush says, "No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"
 
Iro:
Great idea, Al! :) Actually quite good.

Here's one, just to get in on the spirit:

G. W. Bush was very depressed that people were saying he is stupid. So he calls his good friend Queen Elizabeth, who says, "Now George, what you need to do is to surround yourself with smart people. Let me show you."
She conference calls Tony Blair in and asks, "Tony, your parents had a baby. It isn't your sister and it isn't your brother. Who is it?"
Tony Blair replies, "It's me!" and hangs up.
G.W. Bush then calls Dick Cheney and says, "Dick, your parents had a baby. It isn't your sister and it isn't your brother. Who is it?"
And Cheney says, "Wow, that's a tough one. Let me get back to you."
So Cheney calls Colin Powell and says, "Colin, your parents had a baby. It isn't your sister and it isn't your brother. Who is it?"
And Colin Powell says, "It's me!"
So Cheney calls Bush and says, "It's Colin Powell."
And Bush says, "No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"
Click to expand...
Haha! I saw one like that! Loved that joke. Thank you all for your appreciation of this thread. Posts like those make me quite happy to know people are enjoying these jokes.

I'll be on the lookout for more Democrat jokes soon... but let's face it. The Republicans give me more to work with. :P


PREPARE TO BE AMUSED. AMUSEMENT SHALL BEGIN NOW.

A girl realized she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about the hair. Her mom calmly replied- "That part where hair has grown is called Monkey. Be proud that your Monkey has grown hair." The girl smiled and went on with her day.

Later that same day at dinner, the girl told her sister "My monkey has grown hair!" Her sister smiled in exchange and replied "That's nothing. Mine is already eating bananas."

YOU ARE NOW AMUSED.

Until tomorrow,
Alvino Castillon
 
Al, here's a Democrat joke for you :)

Q: How do you keep a Democrat busy?
A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.

I am fairly liberal, by the way
 
True story:

At the bar a group of men were showing off their tattoos. There was a little 90-year-old lady there and she pipes up, "I have a tattoo." The guys can't believe it. She says, "Yes, I have a mouse tattooed right above my bikini line." One of the men says, "No way." But the woman's husband smiles and nods. Then the lady looks down inside her pants, gasps, and quickly looks up. "Oh no!" she cries, "The pussy ate it."
 
Great Bights Mum:
True story:

At the bar a group of men were showing off their tattoos. There was a little 90-year-old lady there and she pipes up, "I have a tattoo." The guys can't believe it. She says, "Yes, I have a mouse tattooed right above my bikini line." One of the men says, "No way." But the woman's husband smiles and nods. Then the lady looks down inside her pants, gasps, and quickly looks up. "Oh no!" she cries, "The pussy ate it."
Click to expand...
Ha! Nicely done! I love all the jokes guys... they're really awesome. :)


PREPARE TO BE AMUSED. AMUSEMENT SHALL BEGIN NOW.

Little Johnny is always being teased by the other neighborhood boys for being stupid. Their favorite joke is to offer Johnny his choice between a nickel and a dime -- Little Johnny always takes the nickel.

One day, after Johnny takes the nickel, a neighbor man takes him aside and says, "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. Don't you know that a dime is worth more than a nickel, even though the nickel's bigger?"

Johnny grins and says, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I've made $20!"

YOU ARE NOW AMUSED.

Until tomorrow,
Alvino Castillon
 
PREPARE TO BE AMUSED. AMUSEMENT SHALL BEGIN NOW.

Johnny was playing outside when he really had to go to the bathroom. He runs in and his grandma was about to take a shower. He looks at her crotch and says, “Whats that?” She says, “Well, it's a beaver, Johnny.”

The next day the same thing happens, only his mom is taking the shower. He says, “Mom I know what that is. It's a beaver, but I think grandma's is dead because it's tongue is hanging out.”

YOU ARE NOW AMUSED.

Until tomorrow,
Alvino Castillon
 
Aww. Come on. :P

Here's a random one-

A cab driver reaches the pearly gates. St. Peter looks him up in his Big Book and tells him to pick up a gold staff and a silk robe and proceed into Heaven.

Next in line is a preacher. St. Peter looks him up in his Big Book, furrows his brow and says, "OK, we'll let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff."

The preacher is shocked and replies, "But I am a man of the cloth. You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely I rate higher than a cabbie!"

St. Peter responds matter-of-factly, "This is Heaven and up here, we are interested in results. When you preached, people slept. When the cabbie drove his taxi, people prayed."
 
Iro:
Aww. Come on. :P

Here's a random one-

A cab driver reaches the pearly gates. St. Peter looks him up in his Big Book and tells him to pick up a gold staff and a silk robe and proceed into Heaven.

Next in line is a preacher. St. Peter looks him up in his Big Book, furrows his brow and says, "OK, we'll let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff."

The preacher is shocked and replies, "But I am a man of the cloth. You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely I rate higher than a cabbie!"

St. Peter responds matter-of-factly, "This is Heaven and up here, we are interested in results. When you preached, people slept. When the cabbie drove his taxi, people prayed."
Click to expand...
That... was... amazingly funny...

:w00t:
 
Great joke Iro... made me snicker some. :P


PREPARE TO BE AMUSED. AMUSEMENT SHALL BEGIN NOW.

A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. The religious man prayed every single day and night, spending much time at church, while the atheist never even thought of such acts.

However, the atheist's had a good life. An excellent, well-payed job, and a beautiful wife, lovely, healthy, children, whereas the religious man's job was stressful and his wages were low, his wife was getting fatter every day ,and his kids were obnoxious, and non loving.

So one day, while deep into his regular prayer, he looked towards heaven and asked, "Oh God, I honour you every day, I ask your advice for every problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbour, who doesn't even believe in you and certainly never prays, seems blessed with every happiness, while I go poor and suffer many an indignity. Why is this?"

A great voice bellowed out from above, "BECAUSE HE DOESN'T BOTHER ME ALL THE TIME!"

YOU ARE NOW AMUSED.

Until tomorrow,
Alvino Castillon
 
PREPARE TO BE AMUSED. AMUSEMENT SHALL BEGIN NOW.

A woman and man get into a car accident. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither one of them is hurt.

After they crawl out of the wreckage, the woman says, "Wow, look at our cars -- there's nothing left! This must be a sign from Him that we should be friends and not try to pin the blame on each other."

The man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely."

The woman points to a bottle on the ground and says, "Somehow this bottle of Scotch from my back seat didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this Scotch and celebrate our good fortune."

She hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, and chugs about a third of the bottle to calm his nerves. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police."

YOU ARE NOW AMUSED.

Until tomorrow,
Alvino Castillon
 
PREPARE TO BE AMUSED. AMUSEMENT SHALL BEGIN NOW.

Hillary Clinton died and went to Heaven. St. Peter was giving her a tour of Heaven when she noticed that there were dozens of clocks on the wall. Each clock displayed a different time of day.

When she asked St. Peter about the clocks, he replied, ''We have a clock for each person on earth and every time they tell a lie the hands move. The clock ticks off one second each time a lie is told.'' Special attention was given to two clocks. The clock belonging to Mother Teresa has never moved, indicating that she never told a lie. The clock for Abraham Lincoln has only moved twice. He only told two lies in his life. Hillary asked ''Where is Bill's clock?''

St. Peter replied, ''Jesus has it in his office... he's using it as a ceiling fan.'''

YOU ARE NOW AMUSED.

Until tomorrow,
Alvino Castillon
 
Oh wow.

Another contribution if you will:

A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government, so for homework that one day, she told her her students to ask their parents what the government is.
When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and ask his what the government was.
His dad thought for a while and answered, ''Look at it this way: I'm the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the work force, you are the people and your baby brother is the future.''
''I still don't get it'' responded the Little Johnny.
''Why don't you sleep on it then? Maybe you'll understand it better,'' said the dad.
''Okay then...good night'' said Little Jonny went off to bed. In the middle of the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother's crying. He went to his baby brother's crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his diaper. So Little Johnny went to his parent's room to get help. When he got to his parent's bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep. Through the keyhole he saw his mom loudly snoring, but his dad wasn't there. So he went to the maid's room. When he looked through the maid's room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid. Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized something and thinks aloud, ''OH!! Now I understand the government! The President is screwing the work force, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of shit!''
 
PREPARE TO BE AMUSED. AMUSEMENT SHALL BEGIN NOW.

A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap. Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?" The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and a G.I. Joe."

Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie comes with Ken."

"No," said the little girl. "She comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken."

YOU ARE NOW AMUSED.

Until tomorrow,
Alvino Castillon
 
PREPARE TO BE AMUSED. AMUSEMENT SHALL BEGIN NOW.

On Christmas morning, a cop on horseback sits at a traffic light next to a kid on a shiny new bike.

The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

The kid says, "Yeah."

The cop says, "Well, next year, tell Santa to put a tail light on that bike."

The cop then issues the kid a $20 bicycle safety violation ticket.

The kid takes the ticket and says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."

The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the d**k underneath the horse, instead of on top."

YOU ARE NOW AMUSED.

Until tomorrow,
Alvino Castillon
 
PREPARE TO BE AMUSED. AMUSEMENT SHALL BEGIN NOW.

One Sunday morning, Satan appeared before a small town congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away.

Soon, everyone was gone, except for an elderly gentleman who sat calmly. Satan walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

Satan asked, "Aren't you going to run?"

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

Perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

YOU ARE NOW AMUSED.

Until tomorrow,
Alvino Castillon
 
PREPARE TO BE AMUSED. AMUSEMENT SHALL BEGIN NOW.

A man gets on a bus, and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun. Enamored with her, he asks if he can have sex with her. Naturally, she says no, and gets off the bus. The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun.

"Well," says the bus driver, "every night at 8 o'clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you dress up as God, I'm sure you could convince her to have sex with you."

The man decides to try it, and dresses up in his best God costume. At eight, he sees the nun and appears before her.

"Oh, God!" she exclaims. "Take me with you!" The man tells the nun that she must first have sex with him to prove her loyalty. The nun says yes, but tells him she prefers anal sex. Before you know it, they're getting down to it, having nasty, grunty, loud sex. After it's over, the man pulls off his God disguise.

"Ha, ha! I'm the man from the bus!"

"Ha, ha!" says the nun, removing her costume. "I'm the bus driver!"

YOU ARE NOW AMUSED.

Until tomorrow,
Alvino Castillon
 
PREPARE TO BE AMUSED. AMUSEMENT SHALL BEGIN NOW.

A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunk's shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a half-empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading. A couple minutes later, he asked the priest, ''Father, what causes arthritis?''

''Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man,'' the priest replied. ''Imagine that,'' the drunk muttered. He returned to reading his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, turned to the man and apologized: ''I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?'' ''I don't have arthritis, Father,'' the drunk said, ''but I just read in the paper that the Pope does.''

YOU ARE NOW AMUSED.

Until tomorrow,
Alvino Castillon
 
PREPARE TO BE AMUSED. AMUSEMENT SHALL BEGIN NOW.

"They call my husband 'The Exorcist.'"

"Why?"

"As soon as gets to a party, he rids it of all the spirits."

YOU ARE NOW AMUSED.

Until tomorrow,
Alvino Castillon
 
PREPARE TO BE AMUSED. AMUSEMENT SHALL BEGIN NOW.

Why doesn't Santa Claus have any kids?

Cause he only comes once a year!

YOU ARE NOW AMUSED.

Until tomorrow,
Alvino Castillon
 
Hello Everyone,
I apologize for my absence on Saturday and Sunday. I lost power one day and I left my charger for my laptop elsewhere. I am back on track and I'll be releasing a new joke of the day for the rest of the week.

Once again, I apologize for my absence and hope you enjoy today's joke.


PREPARE TO BE AMUSED. AMUSEMENT SHALL BEGIN NOW

Steve lies dying, as Jack, his law partner of 40 years, sits at his bedside.

"Jack, I've got to confess -- I've been sleeping with your wife for 30 years, I'm the father of your daughter, and I've been stealing from the firm for a decade."

"Relax," says Jack, "and don't think another thing about it. I'm the one who put arsenic in your martini."

YOU ARE NOW AMUSED.

Until tomorrow,
Alvino Castillon
 
PREPARE TO BE AMUSED. AMUSEMENT SHALL BEGIN NOW.

A guy phones a law firm and says, "I want to speak to my lawyer." The receptionist says, "I'm sorry, but your lawyer died last week." The next day the same guy phones the law firm and says, "I want to speak to my lawyer." Once again the receptionist replies, "I'm sorry, but your lawyer died last week."

The next day the guy makes his regular call to the law firm and say, "I want to speak to my lawyer." "Excuse me sir," the receptionist says, "but this is third time I've had to tell you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?" The guy replies, "Because I love hearing it!"

YOU ARE NOW AMUSED.

Until tomorrow,
Alvino Castillon

PS: You guys think it's the same lawyer from yesterday? :P
 
PREPARE TO BE AMUSED. AMUSEMENT SHALL BEGIN NOW.

In an attempt to thwart the spread of bird flu, President George W. Bush bombed the Canary Islands back in 2008. Turkey was next.

YOU ARE NOW AMUSED.

Until tomorrow,
Alvino Castillon
 
PREPARE TO BE AMUSED. AMUSEMENT SHALL BEGIN NOW.

A man goes to Spain and attends a bullfight. Afterwards he goes to a nearby restaurant and orders the specialty of the day. The waiter brings him two very big balls on a huge plate, which the tourist eats with relish. The next day he goes to the same restaurant again, once again orders the specialty of the day, and he is brought two very big balls on a huge plate. It tastes even more scrumptious.

The third day he does the same and the fourth, but on the fifth day he goes to the restaurant and orders the specialty of the day, and they bring him two very small balls on a big plate. The man asks, "What gives?"

And the waiter says, "Senor, the bullfighter doesn't always win!"

YOU ARE NOW AMUSED.

Until tomorrow,
Alvino Castillon
 
Here's my contribution for now:

Little Johnny's first grade class was playing "Name That Animal." The teacher held up a picture of a cat and asked, "What animal is this?"

"A cat!" said Suzy.

"Good job. Now, what's this animal?"

"A dog!" said Ricky.

"Good. Now what animal is this?" she asked, holding up a picture of a deer.

The class fell silent. After a couple of minutes, the teacher said, "It's what your mom calls your dad."

"I know!" called out Little Johnny. "A horny bastard!"
 
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