How to survive in a disaster movie

You can survive any disaster movie if you follow these simple steps....


1. Make sure you get into an elevator with a heavily pregnant woman. The lift will stick, and the baby will be born, but you will be rescued in the nick of time. No pregnant woman or new-born baby has ever died in a disaster movie.

2. If a car is blown towards you along the street, just duck and put your hands over your head. The car will bounce over you every time.

3. If anyone says "relax, this is the safest place in the city" RUN.

4. Never get into a helicopter with any elected official.

5. The scientists are all wrong, apart from the one maverick loner who interprets the data differntly. Listen to him, he is right every time.

6. The solution to the city's problems will always involve sewers or flood channels. I have no idea why.

7. Don't worry about the plucky teenager on a bike who goes out in search of his mom. He will be fine.

8. Do not be tempted to try to guide that group of teenage girls to safety. Trust me, they will be absolutely fine without you, since teenegers (like pregnant women and babies) cannot die in a disaster movie. If you get involved, there will be a point when you have to sacrifice your life for them. They won't even be grateful.

9. When you emerge into the daylight, do not stand up and raise your arms in triumph. That is when the falling masonry or giant alligator gets you.

10. Do not do anything involving setting explosive charges. Just as you set the last one, a column WILL fall, crushing your legs. You then will have to stay there and blow yourself up to save the city.

11) If you live in any country aside from the US, just sit on your hands and wait for them to save us from the aliens/asteroid/zombies.

12. If you stop to pile your possessions into your car, you will die on the freeway in a traffic jam. It is the director's way of teaching us a lesson about the dangers of materialism.

13. Do not buy a house near:
a volcano
a fault line
power lines
a river
a swamp
the coastline
Florida
California
any medical research facility that uses monkeys
anyone who keeps bees
A farm with a big wooden barn in Kansas
a gas station
a large, flamable, wooded area
a manhole cover

14. Don't bother turning up at the hospital if you are badly injured. The doctors will be too busy to deal with you, and you will die* on a trolley in the corridor.

But If you MUST go to the hospital, make sure the aforementioned maverick scientist takes you. As he carrys you through the door, three doctors will rush up to tend your wounds.







*If you need to die in a disaster movie, just let your arm drop off the edge of the trolley and hang limp. This means you are dead.

15. Stick with the dog. Dog's also always survive.

16. Don't bother with the aircraft door. You can only get out down an inflatable chute that shows you flashes of the actresses knickers.

17. Divorce your wife, especially if you love her. This may sound extreme, but if you do divorce her, you cannot die until you are reconciled and remarry.

IN order to be invincible in a disaster movie, make sure you are....

Pregnant
Under the age of 18, especially a baby
a collie, with a floppy ear
a stripper with a heart of gold
A maverick scientist (not his sidekick)
the only guy* who knows how to stop the disaster



*It's always a guy

19. Don't even bother asking the 10 year old boy to stay put and hidden. As soon as you turn your back he will leave his hiding place and get into danger, from which YOU will have to rescue him. Best not to get involved.

20. Always check your surroundings and find a weapon. You always end up needing a weapon for something that' probably already dead.

21. If you are woefully lacking the necessary technological experience, but someone is there to "talk you down," by all means, take over the controls.

22. Nuke 'em from orbit. It's the only way to be sure.

23. Find Duke Nukem.

24. Keanu Reeves is always more helpful than he looks.

25. Never, ever say any of the following lines:

"It's OK. I designed this building to be earthquake proof. "
"They could not hit an elephant at this range"
"The chances of anything coming from Mars are a million to one"
"Leave me behind. I will hold them off as long as I can"
"Let me just lever this airlock open"
"I think I can swing across"
"Don't let go of my hand"
"An army of killer ants? Don't be absurd. Let me just have a nap in this deckchair."
"We will be perfectly safe in here."

26. If you hear noises outside, don't be a ridiculously naive arse and go out to investigate with only a flashlight. Just call the cops. Especially if the music crescendos.

27. Yes! Beware of the violins!

28) If a family member gets zombie-fied don't try to talk them out of their newfound undead status. It won't work.

29) If there's no electricity or phone line at the place you and your group think of holing up in, don't stay there anyway, just move on.

30) Don't be the one who says "I will go and fix the fuse box"

31) Avoid being an attractive female scientist. You will be eaten by sharks. The audience will demand it.

Ermarian:

31) Avoid being an attractive female scientist. You will be eaten by sharks. The audience will demand it.

Click to expand...

31a) Even if it's a volcano movie. Sharks are everywhere.

32) Stay away from Hetty Wainthrop, Miss Marple, Jessica Fletcher and ESPECIALLY any member of Inspector Tom Barnaby's family.

32) Don't shag the hero in the first half of the movie. you will be killed off to increase the sense of tragedy. Save it for the final reel, but keep the sexual tension smouldering through the movie.

33) If you find a lost mentor, estranged family member or other important character you have become separated from standing still and facing directly away from you and they repeatedly do not respond to verbal cues, resist the urge to go up behind them and put your hand on their shoulder. Instead, walk around them at a safe distance. 30 feet is a good start.

34) Zombies are attracted to sarcasm. Lines such as "the living dead, yeah right!" will result in immediate consumption by said undead.

35. Don't even think of entering the lone house on a hill with the beautiful view.