The Pritchard Scale

Kandarin

Kandarin

TNPer
In the movie The Dead Poets' Society, the hero introduces his students to the Pritchard Scale, which states that any work of literature can be considered in terms of quality of subject (x) and quality of writing (y), which are then put on a scale. The idea is to get the largest volume. He rightly dismisses this as bunk and has his students rip the section from their textbooks.

I had an epiphany* a while back, and realized that any object can be considered in terms of this scale. All I have to do is change the terms, and anything can be analyzed in terms of its quality as a murder weapon, and its capacity to be worshipped as an idol.

The first person names an item, the next person analyzes it in this way from 1-10 and names another item, and so forth.

For example, the Washinton Monument.

It's pretty useless as a murder weapon since it's practically immovable no matter how heavy it is, so it's a 1 there, however it's big and impressive (but still not anthropomorhic) so as an idol, I give it a 9.

How about...

A herd of sheep?

250px-Flock_of_sheep.jpg
 
I disagree, some well placed plastique could bring down the Washington monument on an unsuspectung girl scout troop. Also you may want to rewatch Mars Attacks! I think they used the washington monument to kill people.

Sheep are so harmless it is not even funny. 0 in terms of weapon. They are great providers though and deserve worship for their wool and tasty meats. 6 in terms of worship level.

Steel wool

SW%208pad--pack-a_thumb.gif
 
2 on terms on murder weapon. It'd take some pretty gruesome doing, but I can see it.
0 on terms of worship. I mean, come on!

The Artist Formerly Known As Prince
prince.jpg
 
There's a definite opportunity for razor burns, but it'd be hard to kill someone that way. Similarly, eating steel wool would be really bad for you. Still, it's fairly unlikely. I give it a 2.

Worshipwise, it is quite shiny. A primitive culture would surely consider it to be an exotic gift of the gods. Similarly, if anyone ever found a sheep that gave steel wool it would be a very impressive sight. I give it a 5.

How about the Popemobile?

200px-JPII_29_09_2004_1.JPG
 
Too slow, Kand!

The Popemobile:
4 for murder. You'd have to knock out the person and park it on them to crush them.
8.9 for worship value. While not being holy in of itself, it carries the Pope, for feck's sake!

I refer to my object up there ^
 
I'd say in terms of murder weapon....7. One could lift him up and beat someone to death with him, or he can do it himself.

In terms of worship...it's mainly 40 year olds that like him...so.....7 for that as well.

hamburgers:

deux%20hamburgers.jpg
 
For murder; 5. It could kill you by cholesterol! Or someone could choke you to death with it by ramming it down your throat.
For worship: it seems the golden arches are living proof that this is in the 9.

Next up: Mighty Thor.
200px-Thor.jpg
 
the Mighty Thor:....8 for murder...lightning bolts and such...
.....10 for worship amongst classicists at least...bit old fashioned for my liking...


And what about....Sean connery as ZARDOZ...

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Well, he's got a gun and gets points for being Connery. I give him a 8 for murder.

However, it hurts just to gaze on him, so worship would be difficult. Still, he is Connery. I give him a 3.

How about...Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's trademark jacket?

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I guess you could try to suffocate someone with it or fashion a hanging rope out of it, but it's still a pretty harmless jacket. However, if the jacket comes complete with President Ahmadinejad, it'd be a 8. Since it doesn't, it gets a 2.

It's a nice looking jacket. Nothing to worship over but way better than the robe-dress thing that the guys next to him are wearing. 4

Next object: Rum.
 
Rum: 10 for murder...the options are many.....drowning....dousing and setting on fire...hitting with bottle {empty or full} {broken or not}.....alcohol poisining....

0 for worship....rum is yukky....


Next up:A very impatient Cat....

cat_waiting.gif
 
Aww, he looks like my kitty! (Who isn't vey sociable either)

Cats can be pretty bad-tempered (my cat (one that looks like ^) likes to bite me when I try to pet her when she's in a bad mood), but it'd be pretty difficult to kill somebody with one unless they're deathly afraid of the things. 1.5 for murder.

However, the egyptians did worship cats, and they still hold themselves with that air of "I'm better than you, so do what I say. I'll ignore you until then." 8.5 for worship.

Oops, forgot the next object. Howzabout... the iMac I'm using right now. Nickname: "The Calculator"
 
The only way I can think of that would allow you to kill someone with an iMac is by picking it up and throwing it at them or strangling them with the mouse cord. It's easier to pick up than a PC tower, definitely, and so the murder scale is up at 5.

As for worship, it's kinda a piece of crap. Sorry. One point plus another for the Apple fanbois out there equal 2.
 
Rum is not yucky! You just need to add some other things to it.

An impatient cat, I would say, has a murder rating of 2. Unless the cat is willing to be used, I doubt it would be any good at killing anything other than a mouse.

Egyptians worshipped cats, so, why not an 8?


How about a sudoku puzzle?

300px-Sudoku-by-L2G-20050714.gif


Man, I'm slow in typing these posts... as you can see, I was still on the cat! :P
 
While it may be possible to kill someone with Sudoku (their head could explode/a vicious paper cut, etc.) you gotta be trying really hard. 2 for murder. Some people do those things every goddamn day, though, well to the point of religious devotion, but I do not thing they actually offer praises upon its altar. So 4.5 for worship.

Let's go with (what else...) Arsenal FC.

arsenal-fc.jpg
 
7 for murder - just use them to incite a football riot.
And you yourself are living proof that they are 9 for worship value. Football's practically a religion over here anyway.

The 1494 Treaty of Tordesillas:
tordesillasdocument.jpg
 
*Hersfold gives Arsenal a 0 for worship value... :P

Hm. A treaty signed in 1494. Murder value has to be a one - the only way you could kill someone with that is to bore them with the history behind it. Paper cut wouldn't even work - it's so old it'll crumble to dust. Worship value... I'll give it a 4, simply because it's a diplomatic agreement that Portugal and Spain actually stuck to.

Now... the United States Postal Service.
 
Murder value: 10! Disgruntled postal worker = Rampagetastic.
Worship value: 3. Very useful, but other than that, not all that impressive.

Next...

Mango Chutney.
 
Murder value of 4 because while it is very difficult to kill someone with mango chutney directly, its strong taste would easily mask the taste of poisons.

Worship value of 6 because it is considered yummy by many, but I have yet to see anyone sing its praises to high heaven.

Next up: Linux
 
Well, you can't kill someone with an Operating System so 0.

But worship value? Clearly it's a 8.9999999999 !

An neext-- Consider the Tortoise.
 
Well, tortoises are quite heavy, so having a large tortoise on you could be potentially fatal. Plus, I do believe that they have extremely powerful jaws, giving them a mean bit. However, it's very easy to avoid a tortoise (unless it's falling on you from above, and that's just plain unlucky). 6 for the murder scale.

Tortoises are thought in many religions and cultures to represent longevity. 8 for worship.

Next up: :) (the smiley)
 
I'll concede that the smiley can be pretty annoying at times. It may even be possible to drive someone mad with smileys to the point where they'd harm themselves. But that's suicide, not murder. I give it a 0.

On the worship scale, the smiley is already worshipped by the largest cult in the world: Wal-Mart. Since it already has a following, I give it an 8.

How about...Argon?

Ar-TableImage.png
 
Argon...doesn't do much of anything. It's used in fluorescent and neon lights. Whoop-de-frickin-doo. 0 for murder.

Of course, neon lights are pretty cool, and Noble gases are also pretty cool in a completely boring and bland way, and lots of people enjoy them. I give it a 2 on the worship scale for setting the atmosphere for all those cheesy 50's eras diners.

Next: Neville Chamberlain

Neville_Chamberlain2.jpg
 
Hm... Neville...I'd give him a 9 as a muder weapon while in office, and a 0 today. He used to be Prim Minister of England, that carried some murderous power. Now he's just dead.

Worship-wise...a 7. Someone must be kooky enough to worship a British PM from the early 20th century.



:jack: Cap'n Jack Sparrow. The character. Not Johnny Depp.
 
Hm... 3 for murder. He's got a nice sword, but due to the fact he seems permanently drunk, I'm left to wonder what good it actually does.

My co-worker would kill me if I gave him anything less than an 8 for worship value, though... he gets a 6. She's on vacation. :lol:

Next up, Tortoises. Brought to you by the wonderfully unrelated Google Ads.
 
Errr...what?

You response made as much sense as a baloon.

Monkeys - murder value; I'll let Eddie Izzard field this one - "Guns don't kill people, people kill people. But monkeys do, too! If they've got a gun. Without a gun, they're pretty friendly. But with a gun, they're pretty dangerous."

So, 4 unarmed, 8 with a firearm.

Worship value? 7, based on that woman who lived with 'em for ages.

Next up:
Serbian born American scientist, engineer and inventor, Nikola Tesla:
tesla.gif
 
Murder: well His Tesla feild work has been said to produce lethal Tesla "rays" so theoreticaly 10....But in reality...0..the man himself....5 he was a bit of a weed in real life....but he is a serb....

worship: for conspiracy theorists everywhere 9....anyone else 0



Next Captain Kirk....
Jim_shat234.gif
 
Animated gifs of Pocoyo and Kirk? Daimiaena, you are truly an interweb master.

For the Kirkster:
Murder value: 5, because of all those sissy federation values drummed into him. Phasers set to stun and all that. He could elbow chop people, though.

Worship value: For green women and nerds, 10. For everyone else, 0.

Next: The song "Wild Wood" by Paul Weller.
 
Murder: 10 if you're a zombie....see shaun of the dead....for the living....if played interminably would lead to suicide so 0....

Worship: personally 2...though for diehard fans of the sad ex mod...probably 6???

Next:Yoda after you've just beaten him at pool...and he's had a few too many tequila shots.....

yoda_hustler.jpg


EDIT: jeez....I wish this keyboard would learn to spell...this is getting embaressing....
 
Murder value: 10! A snooker cue is practically akin to a lightsaber, so he'd be lethal with that. Combine it with his mastery of the force and you've got on lethal combination.

Worship value: Since he speaks like he's had a stroke and is about three feet tall, I'd say 2. Unless you're a Star Wars fanboy, of course.

Next: Hans Moleman off The Simpsons.
Image:Hans_Moleman.png
 
Murder: well I guess if you grabbed by the ankles and swung him...he'd be quite effective as a weapon so 8...
Worship:hmm....up there with top five fave Simpsons people...so 9...

Next....The Evil that is the Floppy Drive....remember them???
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Ugh. Floppy drives. I'll give it a 7 for murder value. Those little suckers throw well if you use them like a frisbee. Plus, I bet that if you serrated the edges, you could make some nice throwing stars out of them. They also murdered me once back during sophomore year of high school. Fact: If you throw a floppy disc, and it hits something at a weird angle, your data will get turned into files full of ASCII characters. Lesson: Do not throw a floppy disc if it has your final CompSci project on it, and the thing's due in 5 minutes... -_-

Worship value: -1. Sloooooow. *double clicks A: drive* *click* *waits for disc to be read* *waits more* *waits more*

Next item: Bob Saget

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Bob Saget...

6 for murder. I suppose it is likely to kill a die-hard Full House fan with his exceedingly dirty and disgusting stand-up act.

Worship value: 3, for his past association with the Olsen twins. You know... The ones that have a cul following now.

Hmmm... What's next?

24's President David Palmer.

palmer_david.jpg
 
Well, he could order his secret service goon squad to perform a few covert kills. Or fire of a few nukes. But his morals would get in the way. Another rather big minus point is that he's *BIG SPOILER* dead. 0

Worship value? He's in 24! And a good guy, who tragically died (although personally I was more gutted that *BIG SPOILER* Michelle went to the great counter terrorist unit in the sky, ho hum). 10.

Next:
Denmark.
 
As a murder weapon, I give Denmark a 8, because if it landed on someone, they'd be done for. I had to take 2 points off because it's kind of hard to pick up.

As far as an idol goes, I'm giving it a 3 for size, but that's about it. Though I'd add 5 more points of personal interest, because a great deal of my predecessors hail from there.

Next up: Virtual Boy a.k.a "Veebs"
 
Murder value? 10, he could probably kill you through laughter.
And he's a legend in his own lifetime! 10 for worship value, too.

Next: A pinball machine.
 
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