Pucky's Palace of Perousal

Current mood: Depressed yet somewhat subdued.

I got a call from a very close friend, who we'll call Jason to protect his innocence. I've known for a little over a year and we've had our good moments and bad, but all in all, it's been a very good friendship.

But this morning at around 12am, I got a call from him saying he was checking himself into a mental health facility because he had been having thoughts of suicide and had gotten to the point where he finally decided to get help. I had been trying to get him to do this for several months, but it never seemed to get through. But yesterday, at an anger management meeting, he met a 12 year old boy that had been having thoughts of suicide for 2 years.....much worse than Jason's own and I think that finally pushed him over.

So now, he's getting the help he's so desperately needed for a long time, and for that I'm happy. But then again, I'm sad too. I know I shouldn't be, but I'm sad because I wonn't be able to talk to him except in letters and the like until he's released. I'll be waiting by the phone every morning at 5:30 and again every afternoon at 2 just waiting for him to call me, yet knowing it won't happen. I'm sitting in class right now as I type this and I swear I'm so close to breaking down in tears that it's not even funny.

And what makes it worse is that whenever he does have the thoughts and tendencies that he does, he always comes to me because I can usually calm him down and get him back to thinking straight. But what if he has those thoughts again? What if the doctors don't get there in time to stop him? What if he somehow goes thru with it and succeeds?

I'm stuck at a bit of a crossroads here. While I want him to get better, I'm so scared that when I call to check up on him, I'll get the words I never wanna hear....





"I'm sorry, but he passed away".

If that happens, I don't know what I'll do

Can you visit him?

He's in a facility in Virginia

Oh. Well, I suppose the one thing you can do is trust in the decision he's made to get help and take it as a positive sign.

You're right....but I just can't let go of the what if factor in this.

Things will turn out, Pucky. And I'm sure that no matter what happens, he'll always be greatful for you and what you've done for him. And if you write to him alot, I'm sure you can help keep him calm. Don't stress too much. Things will be okay! It's like that quote, "Worrying doesn't empty today of its troubles, it empties tomorrow of its strength." He'll be in my prayers.

It's going to be worrying, but if he's around trained professionals that's probably the best thing. They always say that the first step in dealing with a problem in your life is admitting you've got one, cos only then can you actively try and solve it.

If anything I'm happy he's taken that first step because to be perfectly honest, at the rate things were going I don't know how much more either of us could take

It might be best to have a little distance if that was how you both felt

I guess the one thing I can take away from this is that he's willing to get help and I gotta be there for him, no matter what it takes. As long as I keep writing and checking up on him, he'll be ok....I hope.

It's good that he's got you looking out for him!

Current Mood: Still down, but slowly turning around

Things have been really hard for me these last few hours considering what's been going on, but it's getting better. I finally did break down and get my emotions out when I got home when I was able to be alone and find some peace.

Even though it's only been one day since Jason was committed, when someone you're really close to is gone from your life, ya start to take notice of the small things that are missing: In my case, the constant phone calls and text messages that I get from him, the cards and letters I'd get from him saying how much he wants me near him and how thankful he is of me being there...even the calls at 3am just because he's lonely and needs a sympathetic ear. It just goes to show ya that you never know how good you have it until it's gone.

I sent off my first letter to Jason yesterday and writing a second one to him as we speak. I even went so far as to order him a stuffed teddy bear from the gift shop to try and cheer him up because right now, he's feeling real alone. I am essentially the only family he has right now because the rest of his family has disowned him and what little family will actually talk to him is back in Paris (where he's from originally) and can't talk to him anyway.

Even though I do feel alone and without much support except from y'all, I was (and still am) able to find solace in a chat group I recently joined devoted to attempter or those who have been affected by suicide in one form or another and it's thru the messages and strength that they provide that I've been able to make peace and come to terms with it...even though I do still find myself crying myself to sleep at night because I miss him so much. (I love this kid like he was my brother...what else would you expect?)

We're here for you too, Puckster.

I know and I appreiciate this more than y'all will ever know

Current Mood: Good, but starting to feel worse

It's been real hard for me trying to cope with the fact that I still can't talk to Jason, but I'm finding some support from groups of people who have either survived suicide attempts and friends of those who weren't so lucky and I'm finding courage and strength from them.

While I don't consider it the WORST news one could get, it's pretty bad....even though I did see it coming. I called the hospital yesterday to see if some letters and the teddy bear I bought him made it to him and I found out they can't say anything. They can't even tell me if he's in there or not unless I know his ID number, which is tearing me up. Since his family won't say anything and since his friends have no clue, per his wishes, I'm totally left in the dark.

I sit by the phone and go to the mailbox every day just praying and hoping I hear something from him. Anything! Am I obsessing over this too much? Is there anywhere I can go? What can I do?? :9

I know it might sound like a bit of an over the top suggestion, but have you thought about talking to a counsellor or something yourself? It's just someone to let it all out to and they keep things confidential. The situation's obviously worrying you a lot.

I've tried, but where I am, they don't offer those services here.

That's pretty unfortunate T'me it sounds like you need someone sympathetic to listen. Well don't forget we're still here for you!

Current mood: Calm and content

For those who thought Brokeback Mountain was nothing more than trashy filth, all I can ask is: where was it and can ya back it up?

I went to see it with a friend yesterday to try and get my mind off of everything that's been going on and I must say I really enjoyed it. It had a real good storyline, the characters were well thought out and the story of 2 people in love (regardless of what side of the fence they're on) was really heartwarming.

And as far as anything that could be even thought of as raunchy or trashy was the one "sex" scene in the beginning and even then it wasn't much. All in all, I personally enjoyed the film (even though I wish Jake Gyllenhaal didn't grow that moustache. For whatever reason, it just didn't fit him) If anything, it left an empowering message in me that could be used anywhere: You gotta treasure every moment you jave with the ones ya love. You never know if the time you spend with them could be the last.

Thumbs up from me!

I haven't seen it.