Southwest Asia
TNPer
Why did Hellen Keller's dog kill himself?
You would too if your name was blahspuhmudfulor
You would too if your name was blahspuhmudfulor
Post a Joke
- Thread starter Puckton
- Start date
Democratic Donkeys
TNPer
This one made me laugh:
How many hippies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None, they let it burn out and then follow it around for 15 years.
and a nerdy one in case it hasn't been posted (probably has but oh well)
A police officer stops Heisenberg while he was speeding in his car.
The officer takes a bite of his donut and goes:
"Sir, do you know how fast you were going?"
He replies:
"No, but I know where I am."
How many hippies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None, they let it burn out and then follow it around for 15 years.
and a nerdy one in case it hasn't been posted (probably has but oh well)
A police officer stops Heisenberg while he was speeding in his car.
The officer takes a bite of his donut and goes:
"Sir, do you know how fast you were going?"
He replies:
"No, but I know where I am."
dont pick it up
TNPer
A nun, two bears, an ex mobster, a cop, and the pope walk into the bar.
The bartenders says, "What is this a joke?"
The bartenders says, "What is this a joke?"
Daimiaena
TNPer
So the housekeeper of an irish priest is always gobbing on to him about the state of the parish house...."sure, me table has a wobbly leg..."...."Don't you know me cooker is awful old..."...."Me cushions need new covers..."
One day the priest takes her to one side for a quiet word...."Mrs O'toole....everything in the house was donated by the parish for my and your use....you mustn't be calling it yours all the time...."....
"Oh, righto..."Says she....
Anyway a few days later as the priest is sitting down to tea with the bishop...mrs O'toole sticks her head around the door....
"Father...Bishop....sorry for interupting....but....father...the springs on our bed have broken...."
One day the priest takes her to one side for a quiet word...."Mrs O'toole....everything in the house was donated by the parish for my and your use....you mustn't be calling it yours all the time...."....
"Oh, righto..."Says she....
Anyway a few days later as the priest is sitting down to tea with the bishop...mrs O'toole sticks her head around the door....
"Father...Bishop....sorry for interupting....but....father...the springs on our bed have broken...."
Apollo-Industria
TNPer
A doctor calls up a patient and says, "I've got bad news and worse news. The bad news is, you're gonna die in 24 hours. The worse news is, I forgot to call you yesterday."
How did Helen Keller find her husband? IT was a blind date.
Why do people make so many jokes about Helen Keller? She can't find yah. No way she can get yah.
How did Helen Keller find her husband? IT was a blind date.
Why do people make so many jokes about Helen Keller? She can't find yah. No way she can get yah.
Apollo-Industria
TNPer
WTF!? :boom
A Mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop. The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage " Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?"
The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new.
So how come I make $39,675 a year (a pretty small salary) and you get the really big bucks ($1,695,759) when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic...
"Try doing it with the engine running."
The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new.
So how come I make $39,675 a year (a pretty small salary) and you get the really big bucks ($1,695,759) when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic...
"Try doing it with the engine running."
You know you are a redneck when your richest relative buys a home and you have to go round to help take the wheels off.
mental imagination
TNPer
24 Fun Things To Do In An Elevator...
1. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
2. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
3. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
4. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
5. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
6. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
7. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
8. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
9. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"
10. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, no, not now, damn motion sickness!"
11. Meow occasionally.
12. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
13. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
14. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
15. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
16. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"
17. Say "Ding!" at each floor.
18. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
19. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
20. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
21. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
22. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
23. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
24. Stop at every floor, run off the elevator, then run back on.
I know it is not a joke but this is one of my favorites.
1. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
2. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
3. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
4. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
5. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
6. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
7. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
8. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
9. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"
10. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, no, not now, damn motion sickness!"
11. Meow occasionally.
12. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
13. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
14. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
15. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
16. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"
17. Say "Ding!" at each floor.
18. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
19. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
20. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
21. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
22. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
23. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
24. Stop at every floor, run off the elevator, then run back on.
I know it is not a joke but this is one of my favorites.