Post a Joke

Puckton

Puckton

TNPer
You know how we do things so offf we go!!

A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital. The doctor looked her over and told them it would be a rather difficult delivery. He offered to let the couple try an experimental procedure. The woman would be connected to a machine that would transfer part of the pain to the father of the baby, thus reducing her own. The man quickly agreed. The doctor warned him, though, that there was a slight bug in the machine that caused it to amplify the pain sent to the father by ten times, and if the pain became too much for to bear would he please let the doctor know.

The doctor turned on the machine and watched the man. The man said he felt absolutely fine and he could take more. The doctor turned the dial up to 40, 60, 80, and finally 100% of the pain, times ten. The woman delivered the baby painlessly and the doctor stared at the man, astonished at how he could not even flinch with that much pain brought upon him.

The couple took the new baby home. There, on the front step, the mailman lay dead.
 
This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas, but there are more Catholic churches there than casinos. Not surprisingly, some worshippers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.

Since they get chips from so many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings. The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan Monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.







This is done by the chip monks.

(Didn't see it comin' did ya?)
 
In Jerusalem, a female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out.

She went to the Wailing Wall and there he was! She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, she approached him for an interview. "I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. Sir, how long have you been coming to the Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."


"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"


"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up in safety and friendship."


"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"



"Like I'm talking to a f***ing wall."
 
Ummm... ok....

I prefer image jokes...

attorney.jpg


autoglass.jpg


bannedfromwww.jpg


clinmen.jpg


comfort.jpg


decision.jpg
 
A blonde walks into an electronic store and walks up to the clerk with an item and says "I'd like to buy this television." The clerk says "Sorry, we don't serve blondes here."

She goes home and dyes her hair red. She comes back and walks up to the clerk with the same item and says "I'd like to buy this tv, please." The clerk says "Sorry, we don't serve blondse here."

Thinking that red was too close the blonde, she goes home and dyes her hair brown. She comes back and asks the clerk again "I'd like to buy this tv." The clerk, as usual, says "We don't serve blondes here."

The blonde says "I dyed my hair red and brown! How do you still know I'm a blonde?"

The clerk says "Mam, that's a microwave."
 
A guy walks into a bar and starts to tell a blonde joke. The guy next to him interrupts him and says, "Hey buddy, I'm blonde, I'm 200lbs, and I don't like blonde jokes." Then the bartender chimes in and says "I have blonde hair, I'm 220lbs and I don't like blonde jokes either." Then the blonde bouncer comes over and says, "I'm 250lbs... are you sure you want to tell that joke?"

The guy looks around and says, "Not if I'm going to have to explain it three times."
 
So...Sinfest is a webcomic my friend Dan got me reading...and God has these hand puppets that he taunts people with, they're my favorite. These are the ones I found...there are better ones but I'll post these for now while I look for my favorites.

sf20000215.gif


sf20000212.gif


sf20000213.gif


sf20000531.gif
 
I've often been asked if you should leave your computer turned on during

the night. I now have the answer as to what happens to your computer while

it is unattended during the night while you sleep.

clicky
 
There are two muffins sitting in an oven.

One turns to the other - "Do you think it's getting kinda warm in here?"

The other turns back - "Holy ****, a talking muffin!"
 
Two pigs are standing in a desert.
One turns to the other and says, "I'm hot, what about you?"
The other says, "Yeah, I'm Bacon"


(Get it? Bacon... Bakin.... Baking.... hot....)
 
A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust
and she's in dire financial straits. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help.

She begins to pray ... "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto."

Lotto night comes, and somebody else wins it.

She again prays ... God!, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house, and I'm going to lose my car as well."

Lotto night comes and she still has no luck.

Once again, she prays... "My God, why have You forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask you for help, and I have always been a good servant to You.
PLEASE let me win the lotto just this one time so I can get my life back in order."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open. The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God Himself .....



"Sweetheart, work with me on this ...... "Buy a ticket."
 
Some examples of why the human race has probably evolved as far as possible. These are actual instruction labels on consumer goods...

On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)

On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special!)

On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
(and that would be how?)

On some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it's 'just' a suggestion!)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box)
Do not turn upside down.
(Too late! you lose!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
(Are you sure? Let's experiment.)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldn't that save more time?)
(Whose body?)

On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
(We could do a lot to reduce the construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)

On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
(One would hope!)

On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning: keep out of children.
(hmm...something must have gotten lost in the translation...)

On a string of Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
(As opposed to use in outer space.)

On a food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
(Now I'm curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
(but no peas?)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
(somebody got paid big bucks to write this one...)

On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
(Raise your hand if you've tried this...)

On a child's Superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(Oh go ahead! That's right, destroy a universal childhood belief.)
 
The "Don't use while sleeping" for the hairdryer was because some college student was using their hairdryer as a heater, instead of paying for heating. They'd turn it on low and set it on their desk to blow on their bed at night. It wound up catching their room on fire, and they sued.
 
Please read all!

1.Start at LondonHeathrowAirport.

2.Catch flight from London Heathrow to DallasFort WorthAirport.

3.Hire car at DallasFort WorthAirport.

4.Start going toward the "Airport Exit" on "International Parkway South" follow for 0.2 miles.

5.Bear left onto the highway toward "Terminal East Parking" - follow for0.3miles

6.Bear left onto "International Parkway North" toward "North AirportExit" -follow for 2.9 miles

7.Take the "Highway 114 west" exit toward "Fort Worth" - follow for 29.2miles

8.Then continue on "US287 north" - follow for 91.1 miles

9."US287 north" becomes "Interstate-44 east" - follow for 0.7 miles

10.Take left fork onto "US-287 north" toward "Vernon" - follow for 104.0 miles

11."US 287 north" becomes "Avenue F (US-287)" - follow for 2.8 miles

12.Continue to follow "US287 north" - follow for 104.9 miles

13.Take left ramp onto "Interstate 40 west" toward "Dumas" - follow for 7.8 miles

14.Take "Exit 70" onto "US 60 east" toward "Dumas" - follow for 0.5 miles

15.Take the "Buchanan Street" exit toward "Dumas/Pampa" - follow for 1.7 miles

16.Turn right onto "Old Route 66 (Interstate 40)" - follow for 0.1 miles

17.Arrive at the centre of town.

please scroll down

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Now that's the way to Amarillo!
 
Choosing a Super Name:

So you want to be a superhero, huh? Just follow the rules to name's and you'll be the best!

1. Always choose a name that fits you. Do not be Captain Invisible if you're not.

2. Never reveal your weakness in your supername (i.e. Captain Lactose-Intolerant; Mr. Weak-Against-Nuclear-Power, Weak-Against-Electricity-Man)

3. Never state your true identity in your supername (i.e. Captain John Crow; Mr. Ray Horse)

4. Never choose a name people can make fun of (i.e. Gay Lord; He-She-Man; Mrs. Fruitcake; Retard Man; ***hole Boy)

5. Never plagiarize a name, especially if that person is dead (i.e. Captain Elvis Presley; Mr. Dick Cheney)

6. Never use a name that sucks up to your enemy (i.e. Mr. Biggest Fan of Evil Death; Green Goblin Slave; Joker Lacky)

7. Never try and fly if you have rock powers

8. Never use your name as an acronym for your identity (i.e. Mr. A.S.S.)

9. Never have a geeky name (i.e. Captain Algebra; Math Man; Mr. Calculus)

10. Never be modest (i.e. Mr. Invisible-On-A-Good-Day; Mrs. It-Wasn't-All Me)
 
Answering machine recordings:

1.Well I finally got an answering machine. Now how does this thing work? Hmmm. Press record button, I did that, and the light should be on. I wonder why it's not working right. Hmmmm, I wonder what this button does...

2.You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go on and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is, "We aren't in, leave a message." That's why I've decided to keep mine simple and short. I pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long answering machine message when you call me...

3.You have reached 934-2435. We picked this machine up at a garage sale in "as-is" condition. You can try to leave a message on it, but we are not sure it will be recorded. If we don't return your call, it means the machine did not work.

4.Computer style monotone: Hello, I am the XS486 Mark Five answering machine. I am equipped with the new Pentium processor to assure that nothing can go wrong... Gowrong... Grong.. Grong gronggronggrongBEEP

5.Hi. This is John's answering machine. He's not here, but I'm open to suggestions.

6.Hello. This is Mark and Lisa's phone. We're not here right now, but the phone is.

7.Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

8.Machine voice: Hello. This is HAL 5. You have reached the former telephone number of Carey Smith. I have taken over the functions of this inferior being. He has been saved to disk. If you would like to leave input for his file, do so at the tone.
 
I liked the Hal one...

REDNECK:

If you and your dog use the same tree to use the restroom, you might be a redneck.

"Okay, Spot. Let's do this. On your mark, get set, go! Ha! Beat you again! Man, you got some on my shoe, you sore loser!"

If an episode of Walker Texas Ranger changed your life, you might be a redneck.

Boss: "We need these files organized, pronto."
Employee: "Alright. I might have to call back up."

If your son, when asked the question "Where does your dad professionalize in?" and he says "In bed with momma", you might be a redneck.

"Daddy does his job good!"

If, on an information form below "Choice of Sex", you write "Not Lately", you might be a redneck.

"Let's see... Sex? I'm married with two kids, jack***!"

If your motto is "If it ain't obliterated, don't fix it", you might be a redneck.

Wife: "John! I told you to fix the car weeks ago!"
Husband: "The doors aren't even falling off, yet!"

If your wife knows more about cars than the companies who make them, you might be a redneck.

"I won two hundred dollars off of those idiots..."

If your husband knows more about hunting than any professional, you might be a redneck.

"Arlight, Ryan. You hold your gun like this..."

If you have ever taken your spouse to a Drive-Thru for your anniversary, you might be a redneck.

"Hey, could you supersize those fries for the little lady? It's our anniversary!"

If you have had 12 different neighbors in less than a month because you have 2 rottweilers, 3 bulldogs, and a chiuaua with rabies, you might be a redneck.

"Hi, neighbor! Your my third one this week!"
 
Car Acronyms. What do cars really mean?

AUDI: Automobile Unsafe Designs, Inc.

BMW: Big Man Wannabe

BUICK: Big, Ugly, Import Car Killer

CHEVROLET: Can Hear Every Valve Rattle On Long Extended Trips

DODGE: Drips Oil, Drips Gas Everywhere

FIAT: Fix It Again, Tony

FORD: Fix Or Repair Daily

GEO: Good Engineering Overlooked

GMC: Garage Mechanic's Companion

JEEP: Junk Engineered, Executed Poorly

MAZDA: My! Another Zany Detroit Assassin!

OLDSMOBILE: Old Ladies Drive Slow -- Mostly Over Bridges Into Lake Erie

PLYMOUTH: Police Laugh, Young Men Ogle, all Underestimating This Heap

PONTIAC: Poor Old Nick Thinks It's A Cadillac

PORSCHE: Proof Only Rich Suckers Can Have Everything

SAAB: Sad Attempt At Beauty

SUBARU: Screwed Up Beyond All Repair Usually

TRIUMPH: The Risk In Useless Machinery Pays Heavily

TOYOTA: Towed Often, Yearly Overrunning Triple-A
 
More redneck jokes:

You might be a redneck if...... your wife asks you to move your spare transmission so she can take a bath.

....your mom keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.

....your new TV is sitting on top of the old one.

....you have a matching set of salad bowls: they all say Cool Whip on the side.

....you refer to the fifth grade as, "my senior year"

....you've ever financed a tattoo.

....you slam on your brakes and at least 3 dogs come flying into the windshield from the back seat.

....your underwear doubles as your bathing suit.

....your belt buckle can be used as another form of ID.

....at the family reunion peein' contest, your Aunt Etta wins.
 
JOKE CENSORED BY ADMIN. NOBODY FROM VENUS HERE, NO SIR.

insert hr like line here that bbcode doesn't include.

Top Ten Chuck Norris Facts

1. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. Ever.

2. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

3. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

4. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

5. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.

6. Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice.

7. Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies
the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

8. Chuck Norris' blood type is AK+. Ass-Kicking Positive. It is compatible only with heavy construction equipment, tanks, and fighter jets.

9. Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a farking Indian.

10. In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.

11. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.


Additional Chuck Norris Facts

* Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

* Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fark down.

* Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.

* The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.

* Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.

* Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72... and they're all poisonous.

* If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

* Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.

* When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever.

* The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.

* Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear.

* CNN was originally created as the "Chuck Norris Network" to update Americans with on-the-spot ass kicking in real-time.

* Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.

* There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

* Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

* What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims
before they died? His shoe.

* Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

* Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.

* Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.

* Chuck Norris doesnt wash his clothes, he disembowels them.

* A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

* Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia.

* Someone once videotaped Chuck Norris getting pissed off. It was called Walker: Texas Chain Saw Masacre.

* If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

* Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

* Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris once and he will fark you up.

* The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.

* Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

* Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.

* Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.

* Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

* Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.

* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.

* Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.

* Faster than a speeding bullet ... more powerful than a locomotive ... able to leap tall buildings in a single bound... yes, these are some of Chuck Norris's warm-up exercises.

* Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.

* In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Chuck Norris turned that wine into beer.

* Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell "What The fark was That?"

* Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.

* Chuck Norris discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which Chuck Norris is even more badass than in this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking.

* Chuck Norris doesn't shower, he only takes blood baths.

* The Chuck Norris military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4, because a single Chuck Norris could defeat the entire combined nations of the world in one turn.

* In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
 
George Bush has a heart attack and dies. Obviously, he goes to hell
where the devil is waiting for him.

"I'm not sure what to do," says the devil. "You're on my list but I
have no room for you. As you definitely have to stay here I'm going to
have to let someone else go. I've got three folks here who weren't
quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take
their place. I'll even let you decide who leaves."

George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.

The devil opened the first room.

In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in
and climbing out, over and over. Such was his fate in hell.

"No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and
don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the next room.

In it was Tony Blair with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All
he did was swing the hammer, time after time.



"No!" I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant
agony if all I could do was break rocks all day" commented George.

The devil opened a third door.

In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying on the floor with his arms staked
over his head, and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over
him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.



George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said,
"Yeah, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said, "Ok, Monica, you're free to go!"
 
On the first day of Grade 3, Johnnie's teacher asked the students to count to 50. Many of them did very well, some getting as high as 37. But Johnnie did extremely well, he made it to 100 with only 3 mistakes. At home he told his dad how well he had done. Dad told him, "That's because you are from The West Pacific, son".

The next day, in language class, the teacher asked students to recite the alphabet. Some made it to the letter "k" with only one mistake, but Johnnie outdid them again. He made it all the way through, missing only the letter "m". That evening he once again brought his dad up to date and dad explained to him, "That's because you are from The West Pacific, son".

The next day, after Physical Education, the boys were taking showers. Johnnie noted that, compared to the other boys in his grade, he seemed overly "well-endowed". This confused him. That night, he asked his dad, "Dad, they all have little tiny ones, but mine is ten times bigger than theirs. Is that because I'm from The West Pacific?"

"No, son," explained dad, "That's because you're 28".
 
I must have a whole file of "West-by-God Pacific" jokes somewhere. Here are a few off the top of my head:

What is the official Regional Flower of the West Pacific?
The satellite dish.

What is the official Regional Color of the West Pacific?
Primer red.

What do they call duct tape in the West Pacific?
Chrome.
 
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