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As the new election season approaches, Greitbart is reminded to file a one year anniversary report of the chaos last year, when a polar bear escaped from The North Pacific Zoo a week before election day, disappeared, and then reappeared on polling day.
The chaos began when the unsuspecting poll workers heard a deep, guttural growl echo through the halls. At first, they thought it was an unhappy voter complaining about long wait times. But no—this was much, much worse. In stormed a large, fluffy menace with an appetite for disruption. Electoral posters were shredded. The refreshments table, meant for volunteers, was obliterated. The snacks were all gone. The rum as well as the bear started to drink The North Pacific Rum like water, like a true alcoholic.
"At first, I thought it was just someone in a ridiculous campaign mascot costume," said shaken voter @El Fiji Grande clutching a half-eaten sandwich. "Then it swiped the poll workers' hats off their heads, and I knew we were dealing with something completely unhinged."
The polar bear reportedly showed particular disdain for the electronic voting machines, batting at the screens with frustration. Was this a protest against digital ballots? A call for a return to good old-fashioned paper voting? That said, the polar bear pointedly ignored sound speakers broadcasting on a loop a 40-minute YouTube video featuring campaign advertisements from one of the candidates and left those screens showing the video untouched. We may never know why.
When authorities finally intervened, the bear made a break for it, plowing through bewildered voters and knocking over a refreshments table, before pausing briefly to snag a donut from the bewildered Election Commission supervisors. The Election Commission was even more bewildered that, either due to ELECTION FRAUD, or, rather less likely, due to the intelligence and wisdom of the VOTERS, that the polar bear was declared by the VOTING MACHINES to have been elected as the
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