The Wonderful Wizard of Un

[Yamantau Em]

Dougie carried himself quite confidently, tapping his quill on the parchment as he looked around, observing the demons at work.


"So, this fella here, what's his name?" Dougie quickly asked.


"The Bringer of Pain." Salroth stated flatly.


"Riiiight. Oi, mate! Come here for a second." Dougie called to the serpentine demon looking over the torture pit.


The massive creature turned to face the comparatively diminutive wizard who stood next to the Dark Lord, a stark contrast between the two, Dougie in his bright blue robes with the sigil of Un embroidered on the sleeve towards the shoulder, and Salroth, clad in his terrible armor.


"What's your name, mate?" Dougie asked impatiently.


The demon let out an infernal shriek with a mouthful of blazing fire in response.


"Right, didn't catch a bit of that, so I'll just say Kevin." Dougie responded, unphased as he scribbled down some notes on his parchment.


"So, Kevin, I need to ask, when was the last time you renewed your torture pit tickets? I have to ask because I have here, in the records that you last took the Torture Pit Standard Safety Orientation, uhm…ta ta ta….almost fifteen millenia ago. That ticket is only good for the standard three thousand years, mate. You know that. I'm also kind of upset that there's no safety railing or signage designating this area as a Torture Area. It's not safe, Kevin." Dougie rambled.


The giant demon slowly blinked and looked towards Salroth.


"Listen, I'm gonna need you to get that renewed, as well as your Torture Pit Fall Protection, your Common Killing Field Certification Level C, as well as your standard Demonic First Aid, because all of those have expired as well, right?" Dougie continued.


"Come on, Dougie. I quite literally wrote the book on that, and…Kevin…has been with us for millenia, he's a hard worker, I'm sure it was just a clerical oversight." Salroth said with a tinge of exasperation.


"Ok, but Salroth, you've had an exemplary safety record for the last five thousand years, you've even got commendations from the Order of Magical Health and Safety and the Workers Alliance Guild, stuff like this really isn't in your character so it's kind of disappointing to see the standards slide like this. Just because Kevin works hard and he hasn't had an incident doesn't mean I can just look the other way when he's not got valid tickets, mate." Dougie explained.


"I understand, but this seems a little silly." Salroth remarked.


"Listen, mate, I don't make the rules. It's in the legislation, I don't control that, I just enforce it. The legislation is decided by the major governing bodies which are the Order of Magical Health and Safety, the Workers Alliance Guild, the Wizards Safety Association, and the Dwarven Smiths Guild. I just make sure that everyone is following the provided guidelines when it comes to occupational safety, mate." Dougie replied with a shrug.


"What do the dwarves have to do with this?" Salroth asked suspiciously.


"The Dwarven Smiths Guild have been leaders in industry and safety for years, so they get a say in these types of things." Dougie explained, motioning around.


"So they use their gold to influence things." Salroth grimaced.


"Salroth, you're being anti-dwarfmetic and it's kind of concerning, if you're going to keep up that kind of behaviour, I'm gonna have to ask you to attend some sensitivity training in order to sort of get over this way of thinking." Dougie chastised. "Do you really wanna sit in a classroom in Un and listen to some stuffy elf from who knows where tell you why it's bad to he racist?"


"No…" Salroth sighed.


"Ok, so, let's go have a look at your records, because I'd like to have a look at those, just to make sure everything else is in order. Sound good?" Dougie changed the conversation, before looking back at Kevin. "Kevin! Tickets!" Dougie shouted.


Kevin gave Dougie a thumbs up to the best of his ability before turning back to his torture duties.


Salroth rubbed the bridge of his nose with his thumb and forefinger as he walked. He always hated when Dougie came for an inspection. No matter how hard he tried, the annoying little wizard always seemed to pop back up. He had tried everything. Dougie was unresponsive to the advances of a succubus tasked with distracting him, he couldn't just be snapped out of existence, he was like a rat that just kept finding his way back in.


"So, I am very happy with everything so far, other than Kevin's tickets being expired, but you've done a really good job keeping everything up to code. I do need to know what you're doing with the mass graves full of corpses though." Dougie chattered.


"They are to be reanimated to serve in my unholy crusade." Salroth explained, somewhat confused.


"Ok, well, your Necromancy Level A was renewed last year, so thats fine, but have you received written consent from the next of kin releasing the corpse to your possession, no pun intended. That's very important." Dougie remarked.


"The families are also in the grave, there is no next of kin." Salroth replied.


"Oh, perfect, that's fine then. When was the last time you renewed your Demonic Conquest License though, Salroth?" Dougie inquired, raising his bushy eyebrows.


"I..uh…" Salroth stammered.


"I already know it's expired, that ticket is good for five thousand years, and you haven't renewed it for forty thousand years, so you're quite out of date. Now if I was a worse type of wizard, I'd ding you for it, but you've been very accommodating and we've managed to settle a lot of other stuff pretty amicably, so I will have to ask you to renew that within the next thousand years to avoid a pretty stiff fine, right?" Dougie stated.


"Uh..Ok." Salroth said.


The two hustled off to Salroth's palace, carved of brutal stone, and strewn with the corpses of those who dared to oppose him.


"You're gonna need to either put up a Bodies Ahead sign or clear these corpses to either side of the walkway. It's a tripping hazard. First warning, yeah?" Dougie mumbled, making yet more notes on his parchment.


Salroth rolled his eyes.


As the paid entered the throne room, Dougie looked around, taking note of the general state of the area.


"So I know you're gonna hate this, but I have to ask if you have a permit for Thrones and Throne Adjacent Furniture." Dougie asked, raising his eyebrows.


"I…I need a throne ticket?" Salroth asked incredulously.


"Oh yeah! Absolutely! So Throne and Throne Adjacent Furniture needs to have a permit issued whenever the stairs up to it exceed six steps and have no hand rails, are constructed of slick marble, or are built to resemble anything phallic in any way. Throne related injuries account for almost ninety percent of lower back injuries, most of those are short term atrophy or slips, trips, falls caused by the slick marble." Dougie explained as he continued making notes.


"This is ridiculous." Salroth growled.


"I know, but listen, I'll make you up a provisional permit, good for the next three centuries, after that, you'll need to submit Parchment Twelve-J in order to get that permanent permit." Dougie explained, quickly writing up the permit and handing it to Salroth. "You can keep that in your records."


Salroth took the parchment and looked over it, reading all the fine print.


"Dougie, this says I can't even use a folding wooden chair on gravel." Salroth said, his annoyance growing.


"Yeah, mate. It's a pinch hazard. Pinch injuries can be really painful." Dougie responded.


Galmash, Salroth's second in command, entered the throne room carrying a heavy crate, with numerous scraps of parchment and scorched papyrus stacked loosely inside.


"These are all the records and incident reports for the last year?" Dougie asked Galmash.


"Yes." Galmash said curtly before turning and hurrying away. Galmash was already wary after failing to alert Salroth that Dougie had showed up the inspection, entirely forgetting to inform the Dark Lord that the inspection was not only happening, but had been scheduled weeks prior.


"Ok, these records could definitely be kept in better order, but I can see that you're at least keeping records. I'm pretty satisfied with that. So, about Kevin. I do have a guy that can come here and do those courses for him, fairly cheap and reliable, probably anywhere between a hundred and seventy to two hundred gold pieces per course. You just need to schedule him. I'll give you his orb number, but he's terrible for pondering his orb consistently, so it might take him a while to get back to you." Dougie rambled.


"That is…fairly cheap, thank you, Dougie." Salroth said, somewhat taken aback.


"Listen, you and I have had a fantastic working relationship for the past few millennia, so I'm perfectly willing to try and help you out, you just have to meet me halfway. I'm very happy with this, so I'll get my boss on the orb and let her know that we can probably start doing these every three years instead of every year. Like I said earlier, your record has been quite good for some time, so I'm not overly concerned. Your humanitarian inspection next month though, we're gonna have to have a chat or two about some things." Dougie chatted as he finished filling out the facilities safety certification.


"Like what?" Salroth scoffed.


"Like the tarp covering up the Impaling Station, which we had talked about previously, and agreed you would remove, but thats a different matter for another day. Until then, I'll slap a seal on this and we can call it good." Dougie said with a sly smile.


Salroth didn't think Dougie would notice that the Impaling Station was still in operation.


Dougie tore the parchment and waved his hand over it, the glowing sigil of Un appearing at the bottom before he handed it Salroth. "Right then, I'll see you next month." Dougie smiled, before waving his hand and stepping through the glowing portal he had conjured.


"Thanks, Dougie." Salroth muttered, looking down at the parchment.


Next to the box labeled "Safety Score" were simply the words "Exemplary. Three Year Inspection Eligible."

 

[Yamantau Em]

"You gonna stand there and watch, or give me a hand?" Steveo asked impatiently, tugging at the line as he balanced precariously on the bow of his boat. Dougie sat back, happily puffing on his pipe as he watched Steveo struggle.


"You've tried to catch that bloody thing four times and it's killed you half the time. I wanna see you walk back out of that portal all sopping again, after another lecture from the creator, mate." Dougie chortled, letting the smoke out with every hefty laugh.


Steveo shook his head and went back to his task.


"Mate, its a bloody sea god, you can't just haul him out with an old fishing rod." Dougie chastised, raising up in his seat on shore. Steveo ignored Dougie's warnings and continued to slowly pull in his line. Suddenly the line went taught, and Steveo lurched back, leaning back as far as he could as the rickety little boat began to move forward. Dougie looked up at the sun, then back to Steveo. He'd love to watch the ensuing chaos, but he also knew he would be late for work if he stayed. He tapped out his pipe on the arm of his chair before rising with a groan and opening a portal to Wireennas. He took one last look at Steveo who was now deeply distressed at finding himself in yet another bind with the Drowned God. Dougie laughed and stepped through.


Wireennas was nice enough, but Dougie had a job to do. He spotted a creature on the ramparts overlooking the Foglands and quickly approached.


"Morning!" Dougie shouted cheerfully.


Thobet turned to face the overly cheerful wizard as he strolled forward.


"Heard you had a reported incident the other day, so let's have a chat about that." Dougie got right into the reason for his visit.


"Someone dying, that's what you would consider an incident?" Thobet remarked.


"Mate, any kind of injury, death, or major illness, plague included, are all reportable incidents. I'm guessing your boss hasn't provided you with that information before. So as I understand, something from the Foglands isn't too too friendly. Can we go down and get a closer look?" Dougie asked, steering Thobet along as he explained the finer intricacies of workers rights and how Thobet, as a guardsman, was covered under Article D, subsection twelve, sub-sub section J, point seven.


"So, you gotta be aware of your rights, mate. If the job is unsafe, what do we do?" Dougie asked, waiting for the reply.


"Refuse it." Thobet answered with a firm nod.


"Exactly, and if you face any sort of reprisal from the Lord or King or likewise employer, you can ponder any orb with a general sense of malaise and disappointment and it'll connect you to the Magical Workers Guild directly, they'll put you into contact with a Guildmaster who'll be most likely willing to help you get some sort of settlement. So the arrows came from this general area?" Dougie rambled, finally asking his question as they stopped in front of the immense fog wall that stretched as far as the eye could see.


"Yeah, somewhere in…this…general direction." Thobet motioned to a wide area.


"Kay, let's have a see then." Dougie said with a nod. He waved his hands and concentrated on the fog, causing it to lift in a wide swath. Thobet's jaw dropped as Dougie proceeded into the cleared pathway. Dead trees and rocky soil as far as he could see.


"Right there. The shapes off in the distance? That's probably your culprit. I'm not entirely sure what it is, but we'll just close this up for now." Dougie explained, pointing to some indiscernable shapes far ahead before letting the fog wall close again.


"So, few questions. When did this happen? How many injuries, was everyone aware of the hazards, and did everyone nearby have their Fogwall Awareness Training up to date?" Dougie rattled off.


Thobet slowly blinked as the old wizard chattered.


"Is this not all in the report?" Thobet finally asked.


"Well…yes…but…I'd like to hear your side as well as a firsthand witness." Dougie explained.


"Happened the other day, my friend got killed, and then I just…I don't really remember. I wasn't told we needed Fogwall Awareness Training either…" Thobet trailed off.


"Other day….dead guy…no tickets. Got it." You're free to return to your post for now, but be aware that my colleague, Steveo will be around to do a far more thorough inspection of the fogwall, just to sort of check out if it's natural or not. I don't see much point making you relive one of the worst days of your life. Take care." Dougie chatted as a he made some seemingly incoherent scribbles on his parchment.


"Hey! Wait! How does…all that…y'know…work?" Thobet asked, pointing at the parchment.


"These? Just notes. I go back to Un and have a homunculus fill out the paperwork while I dictate it to him. After that, it gets sealed up, and sent off to head office, then head office provides a copy to the employer, who needs to keep it for a minimum sixty days." Dougie explained.


"So what does head office do?" Thobet inquired.


"Head Office reviews everything and then decides what needs to happen, be it a larger investigation, which if that happens, then me, Steveo, and about thirty little Dwarven fellas will lock everything down and do some digging til everything is satisfactory; or they may see fit to have one of us, myself or Steveo, come to deliver a fine ranging from ten to ten-thousand gold pieces, or, in extreme cases of negligence on an employers part, we may transmogrify them into some sort of barn animal for a set amount of time." Dougie continued.


Thobet stood with his mouth slightly agape at the horrifying thought of being turned into a goat. "Anyways mate, I must be on my way." Dougie finished, before abruptly stepping into a portal and vanishing before Thobet could ask anymore questions.


Dougie stepped onto the hard stone floor, his boots clicking as he walked past lines of magical creatures and strange beings as he strode quickly down the hall, heading for the Branch Manager's office. Even Dougie had no idea where this building truly was, and he cared very little to find an answer. "Sheila in today?" he asked of a slender elven woman working behind a desk, just seeing the tips of her pointed ears over the stacks of paper in front of her.


"Yes, I believe so." came the tired reply.


"You sound tired, dear, have one of these to perk you up." Dougie said cheerfully, rummaging in his satchel to produce a corked bottle of some sort of luminous purple liquid.


A hand emerged from behind the papers and took the bottle. "Thanks Dougie, you're a lifesaver." her tired voice answered.


"Any time!" he called back as he carried onward.


He knew where to go, and always got a little nervous when he would see Sheila, but today, he figured he had nothing to fear.


He came to a modest oak door, set deeply into the stone wall, and gave three sharp knocks.


"Come in, Dougie." a sweet sounding voice called from the other side.


Sheila was a small woman, appearing to be in her mid thirties, with dirty blonde hair and pale green eyes framed by her gold spectacles. Dougie knew better than to judge this particular book by its cover though. She was not the average human woman as she presented, but rather a physical form of The Creator, the entity that Dougie owed his very existence to.


"Afternoon, boss! How are we today?" Dougie asked, sitting in a chair across from her.


"We're ok today." she answered with a smile, her voice echoing as though many people were talking at the same time. Having any sort of conversation with her took some getting used to, but she was generally quite pleasant.


"Perfect. I've just come to drop off some documents relating to the inspection of Salroth's fortress, he didn't try to get a succubus to fuck me this time, so that was nice, but there's some little issues here and there." he laughed, placing a thick stack of parchment bound with twine on the desk.


"Looks like he's learning that pleasures of the flesh aren't exactly a match for Unish wizards." Sheila giggled as she took the stack and pulled it towards her.


"Went and had a quick little check with the fellas in Weerinnas this morning already too, and before I even write the report, I'd like to strongly suggest a larger investigation. That fog they've got out there is thicker than Steveo's skull, and there's something hiding in it, no clue what." he continued, producing his long stemmed church warden pipe, packing a mixture of herbs into it as he spoke.


"I'll consider it. While we're on the subject of work, I need you to go make sure everything is in order with the Arkians before they go to war. Sword registrations, bow permits, crossbow training, all of that. Sound alright?" Sheila asked, sitting back in her seat.


"Yeah, sure, easy day. When do you want that done?" Dougie replied, lighting his pipe with the small flame that he had conjured from his finger tip.


"By the end of the week, preferably." Sheila told him, watching him inhale the thick smoke of the burning herbs. She had tried many a time to stop him from smoking his strange wizard herbs in the offices, but he always would, regardless.


Dougie nodded and smiled.


"Salroth wants to know when you're gonna call him back." he said with a sly grin.


"Oh my days, it was one date ten thousand years ago where we drank too much wine and maybe fooled around a bit. It meant nothing!" she exclaimed, clicking her tongue as punctuation.


Dougie raised an eyebrow and held his hand against his wrist as he looked at her.


"What are you doing?" she laughed.


"Stop me when I get there, Sheila." he grinned as he slid his hand up towards his elbow. Sheila looked at him disapprovingly as she tried to stifle a laugh. Dougie got up to the elbow and gave her a concerned look. "Mate, please stop me, that's huge." he said, before they both burst into laughter as Sheila held up her pinky finger.


Dougie wiped the laughter induced tears from his eyes, before settling for a moment.


"Brought you the usual, as well." he grunted, pushing up from his seat. He dug into his satchel once more and produced a vial full of what looked like salt, fish scales, and luminescent liquid. "That's about all that's left of the poor bastard, which I know is a little extreme, but you said maximum penalty, so." he explained, placing the vial on the desk.


Sheila took the vial and examined it closely. "Disregard for life so great…there's not much recourse." she stated, before taking the vial and crossing over to the armoire a few feet from her desk, opening the doors, and placing the vial next to the countless others.


"I appreciate it, Dougie." she cooed, giving him a sweet smile.


"Of course." he said, returning her warm grin.


"I best be off though. Steveo has likely gotten himself in some serious trouble with the Drowned God again, so I best go help." he remarked.


"He's already been through today…twice." Sheila told him.


"Mate…." Dougie sighed, rubbing his temples. "Well, I best go make sure there's not a third, fucking idiot." he mumbled.


"Enjoy the rest of your day, Douglas." Sheila said, leaning forward on the desk.


"You as well!" he shouted, before stepping through the portal.


As he stepped back onto the green grass of Un, he looked up, and watched the giant tentacle-mawed Drowned God slam Steveo against the surface of the water.


"Oi, you big bastard! Put him down, he's just little!" Dougie demanded, storming towards the shore.