The Gospel of The Discordian Church of The Flying Spaghetti Monster, Book 1

Romanoffia

Romanoffia

Garde à l'eau!
The Gospel of The Discordian Church of The Flying Spaghetti Monster


Book of Pastagenisis

The World's first user created Gospel. Ad a verse. It will be included and compiled, unedited (unless for profanity and such).


1. In the beginning, there was nothing. Then it blew up.

2. And the Flying Spaghetti Monster saw that it was good.

3. Nothing happened of any consequence until NationStates evolved into existence.

4. And then The North Pacific came into existence, and that also blew up on a regular basis.

5. And the Flying Spaghetti Monster saw that it was good and the People cheered and accepted the touch of HIS Noodly Appendage.

6. The Flying Spaghetti Monster then blessed the People and said, "Blessed be the People" and commanded that the most blessed of the People shall be called Pirates. And The Flying Spaghetti Monster said, "ARRRRRRRRGH!" and the People responded "ARRRRRRRRGH!"

7. And the Pirates wandered off into the World and spread the Word of "ARRRRRRRRGH!" unto all the peoples of the world. And the Flying Spaghetti Monster saw that it was good and offered the touch of HIS Noodly Appendage to all the world.

8. ARRRRRRRRGH!


(all additions to this Gospel will be added, unedited except for really vulgar or nasty stuff, unless it is really funny and/or creative).
 
9. And the Cannibals feasted upon each other while the wise sat back and snickered.
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10. And the Flying Spaghetti Monster spake, "Woe unto the Lemmings and The Sheep for I say to them verily: for thou art made of excrement and unto excrement shalt thou return."

11. And the False Gods ran around like their arses were on fire and their heads were about to catch, and said, "We must accuse others of exactly what we are doing for they shall take the blame for our hypocrisy, for the Lemmings and the Sheep are too ignorant to think for themselves!"

12. The Flying Spaghetti Monster saw the idiocy and narcissism of the False Gods and set a plague of giant schnauzers to devour them.

13. The Pirates and those who actually think for themselves rejoiced and said, "truly His Noodly Appendage shall reach out and slap the crap out of the Lemmings and Sheep and use them as ingredients in a giant bowl of pasta, with Romano cheese topping!"

14. And the people said, "AAAARRRRHG!" and laughed at the False Gods for their narcissism and hypocrisy. :jack:
 
15. And Democratic Donkeys had a hissy fit and auto-booted the Prophets of The Flying Spaghetti Monster for the public forums of the The North Pacific in a most humours and appreciated way.

16. And the Flying Spaghetti Monster said unto the People: "Woe unto all Equus africanus asinus of the World! And Woe unto their subpotentiary bufferskells of progeny! Let them also suffer the fate of the Plague of Schnauzers who will chew the arses from the asses of the asses known as Equus africanus asinus and their progeny.

17. And the Pirates said, "ARRRRRRGH!" and the People said, “Verily, Democracy is also a form of worship. It is the worship of Jackals by Jackasses.”

18. And they Flying Spaghetti Monster corrected the Pirates and said, "That's The Flemingoivia God worshippers you are talking about, you jackasses!"

19. So, with the praises of the People for the Pirates having been corrected, the Lemmings and the Sheep continued to wander off into the slaughter of stupidity.

20. And the Cheese Mongers said, "STILTON!"
 
21. In due time, the Flying Spaghetti Monster sent another plague of Schnauzers to clean up what was left of the False Gods.

22. And the sun rose, and the Vampires who called themselves Lemmings and Sheep vanished in a most flatulent manner into the oblivion of State Religion.
 
24. And Roman's Mummy rejoiced and the People feasted upon roasted Lemmings and Sheep. And there was much rejoicing.

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26. And it came to pass that the People and the Pirates cheered, "AAAARGH!" and went on the hunt for more Lemmings and Sheep to quench their hunger for silliness and midnight snacks.
 
27. And lo, it came to pass that the Official State Religion began to recruit cannon fodder to descend upon the people like a plague of door-to-door salesmen.

28. It was then that His Holy Noodliness The Flying Spaghetti Monster extended His noodly appendage and provided the minions of The Official State Religion with bycycles and neck-ties.

29. And lo, it came to pass that the fasted animal in the North Pacific was the State Religion Recruiters being chased by vicious Scnauzers unto the hinterlands.

30. The Flying Spaghetti Monster spake thus: "Be not deceived by false Gods and their Self Appointed Monarchs of The North Pacific, for verily I have declared a Stick of Wood as the Emperor and Autocrat of all The Pacifics because everyone knows wood is better than bad, it's good! And his name shall be called Agarwood."

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Emperor Agarwood, Autocrat of All The Pacifics

​

31. The People rejoices, the Pirates uttered the Holy Word AARRGH and everyone feasted upon roasted marsupials and fermented cabbage. And thus The North Pacific was made to fart in honour of the Official State Religion.
 
33. The Flying Spaghetti Monster then graced the people with a Metasyntactic Variable in the form of the word "Fnord" and commanded the People use this word when indicating irony, sarcasm or absurdity, and said:

34. Thou shalt use the word Fnord in brackets to indicate irony, sarcasm, absurdity and a Metasyntactic Variable indicating such. (Fnord).
 
35. The followers of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, in the battle against the asshattery of the very existence of an official state religion in The North Pacific, asked His Noodliness for guidance.

36. The People cried unto His Noodliness and said, "Oh, Great Noodly One, what shall we do to combat the asshattery of the Official State Religion?"

37. And The Flying Spaghetti Monster said unto the People, "Thumb ye your noses at the Official State Religion, refuse to recognise it and engaging in thy labours on all of their inane holy days."

38. The People saw that this was good and the Pirates approved and everyone said, "AAARGH!" in celebration of the Great Nose Thumbing.
 
40. Verily, the whiners and the moaners whined and moaned that no one worshiped the State or The Official State religion.

42. "Let there be cheese!" said The Flying Spaghetti Monster, and there was cheese.

43. And it came to pass that the Flemingovians had a whine and cheese party as they couldn't handle the strength of the rum (and the fact that they were all under-age).
 
44. Then there came a rumbling sound not unlike the sound of distant thunder. Lo! It was The North Pacific farting out of pure boredom.

45. Clouds of dust and methane billowed fourth unto the heavens, and the sun was blotted out for a time and the worshipers of the The Official State Religion cried out unto their god, "woe unto us all! What shall we do?'"

46. And the Deity of The Official State Religion said: "just add more run to your KoolAide. Everything will be OK as longs as you do as I say!" And then he went on vacation again.

47. And the Flying Spaghetti Monster scratched his meatballs in wonderment because he had no head to scratch in wonderment and the boredom overtaking the Region.

Thus ends the first book of the DFSM Gospel.
 
The Book of Flatulence

1. When the Fart of Boredom covered the whole of The North Pacific, it came to pass that the Deity of The Official State Religion attempted to bribe other religions with Rum to partake in Official State Religion Festivals.

2. And lo, the People and the Pirates saw this as a glorious Sign from His Noodliness, The Flying Spaghetti Monster, that the Official State Religion was resorting to bribery to prop up a flagging Official State Religion.

3. And the People laughed and the Pirates said, "ARRRRRGH!" when they saw the desperation of Rum Bribery.
 
9. And the followers of the State Religion became so drunk on cheap rum that it was required that no one smoke or use open flame around them as they would ignite and cause carbon to fill the atmosphere and thus contribute to Global Warming Climate Change.

10. As a result of their intoxication, the Followers of State Religion began to babble senselessly and utter such things as, "I'm not as think as your drunk I am," and "No, ossifer, I'm not drunk, I only had tee martoonies" and "I'm not drunk. I fone cold stober" and "Is that a Pink Elephant or are you just glad to see me?"

11. It was thus the Followers of The Official State Religion became known as The Run-sodden Followers of The Pink Elephant.

12. So drunk were they that none of them noticed the 8000 lb Pink Elephant in the room.

13. And the Pirates called them 'Light-weights' and 'Two Pot Screamers' and their was much rejoicing at their foibles.

14. And the whole world laughed at their state of being pickled.
 
15. And lo! The Heavens parted and the pit of eternal doom farted and several regions with over-lapping loyalties went to war with each other and some remained neutral.

16. And the Duality of the Nations of the world were to be tested.

17. And the Flying Spaghetti Monster delivered unto those of the people whose ears were not stopped by the plugs of self-interest and said thus:

18. When Ptah-Seker became one with Usire and the Son has been born,

19. The Djed shall be broken and Usire shall lay helpless and unable to move.

19. Set shall conspire and the 72 assassins shall contain the Father of Horus and the Bird-Emperor shall fly over them all.
 
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