On a cold day, in a hot pub - more specifically, in The North Pacific Pub - Virtual Boy has picked up a pool cue menacingly, and asks a question.
"Anyone want a full-scale brawl? Hmm?"
Ahimsan Carthage replies non-verbally, whacking Virtual Boy over the head with his digital camera.
Poe walks in with an eyepatch.
Virtual Boy lifts Poe out of the way and then flying kicks Ahimsan while yelling, "WWWooooaruuuuurrAaaa!!"
Poe looks askance belligerently.
Grand Duke Dan pipes up: "Nah, wasn't me mate. It was that skinhead over by the bogs. Said you were a twat, he did."
In the bustle, OceanicTrade4 is shoved, spilling his Guinness.
"Oi!" he growls, furiously tackling the nearest patron over the bar.
Drkwych moves out of the way of the ensuing brawl, and leans over to ask Poe what she thinks of the silly prats spilling their drinks and proceeding to beat the Y chromosome outta each other.
Meanwhile, Democratic Donkeys smashes his bottle against the counter. Or tries to, the darn thing won't break because it's plastic. He throws the bottle away knees the nearest midget right in the face.
OceanicTrade4 picks up the midget and hurls him down the bar, spilling every drink along it.
Democratic Donkeys screams, "Yeah! Trash that midget! I mean, little person!" and smashes a bottle on someone close to him.
In another corner of the room, Virtual Boy nuts the skinhead.
"Come on then, you fat tranny," he taunts, "Your Mum! GRRRR!"
Mayitha ducks quick enough not to get hit by a flying beer bottle and hollers a grumpy, "Hey, I'm drinking here!" And then proceeds to cheer on the fighting from a safe corner of the bar.
As soon as Virtual Boy is flung over the bar, he gets back up, stands on the counter and shouts:
"HAS ANYONE SEEN MY FIST?!! IF YOU HAVEN'T, THEN I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE YOU!!!" and in a haze flings himself at the nearest patron, who happens to be a woman from the Salvation Army.
"I've never fought a member of the military before! Perhaps today IS a good day to die!"
Quietly, Susurrare orders a Stoli crystal on the rocks and sits down gingerly to watch the ensuing melee. In quick succession, he is clobbered on the head from behind and goes down like a sack of bricks. Damn his lack of fighting skills...
Virtual Boy, still in a rage, trips over Susurrare and barrels into Poe, but Susurrare, recovering from the blunt trauma grabs VB's passing ankle and ties his shoelaces together. But in a magnificent spectacle of acrobatics and keen fighting maneuvers, Virtual Boy backflips and starts to strangle Susurrare with his shoelaces, whilst walking on his hands.
In retaliation, Susurrare deploys the Mind Probe. Followed by Poe's show of defense and one-ups-manship in the deployment of the Butt Probe. Susurrare turns, trying to escape the horrors of the Butt Probe.
On the other side of the room, OceanicTrade4 tackles the Swiss wise guy and dumps a keg over his head. But not before being caught and ravaged by the Butt Probe, which promptly and efficiently returns with its findings, only to report that...
...We finally know where Amelia Earhart wound up.
OceanicTrade4, feeling violated and rightly so, throws the Butt Probe out the door, in front of a passing truck, and then goes to tackle Poe, but misses completely and crunches up the table with her drink on it.
Poe wheels around and sics the aged and soiled Amelia at OT4 for spoiling her drink.
Using Amelia as a human missile against the dartboard (having mistaken said dartboard for Poe,) OceanicTrade4 returns to the bar to down a shot of vodka, his vision still hazy. He grabs Poe's butt, thinking it's a water balloon.
In the meantime, Susurrare has extracted his head from OT4's keg and injects him in the base of the spine with mercury, whilst avoiding the whiffy Amelia.
Poe whips around, shocked by the groping, and shoves her broken beer bottle between OceanicTrade4's legs.
OT4 then tries to ride the beer bottle, yelling "Away Silver! Hodey Hi!" thinking the bottle is a horse, but ends up attacking the dartboard as the mercury kicks in.
With a victorious smirk, Susurrare activates the dartboard's hidden tickle-sticks. Which OceanicTrade4 attempts at once to ingest.
Poe, amused into breathless laughter by the presence of hidden tickle-sticks, falls to the floor, hysterical.
Susurrare watches OT4 with a sense of wry amusement and considers using the Mind Probe, as it has already been deployed.
OceanicTrade4 throws alcohol at Poe, trying to revive her from her fit of hysterics, but the ever resourceful Susurrare lights the stream of drink on fire as it passes him by on the way to its intended target.
Poe rolls out of the way just in time, the lit alcohol hitting, instead, the chair she was formerly sitting in. Up she jumps and grabs the flaming chair, tossing it to Amelia, who chases down the two boys and beats them over the head with it, still reeking from excrement.
OT4 voices his curiosity as to the length of time Amelia was concealed in his bowels, punctuating it with a loud, drunken belch.
Susurrare, almost overwhelmed by the stench of Ms. Earhart, as well as the chair, still manages to stick the Mind Probe into Amelia's ear, taking control of her, and sends the disgusting monstrosity back Poe's way.
Poe, grabs a piece of decor off the nearby wall, and blows Amelia's head off with it, said decor being, in actuality, a shotgun - and then proceeds to fire it off around the remainder of the room.
In a fit of drunken and mercurial insanity, OceanicTrade4 attempts to force-feed Susurrare to Poe, and then lurches toward the dartboard, hoping to get another drink from it.
Virtual Boy is enthused, and proclaims, "Here lads! The dartboard's serving halfs!!" He rushes to the dartboard and stands peacefully in queue behind OT4, who grabs another Guinness, but thinking it's empty tips it over, murmurs an "Oops," and goes toward the bar, thinking it's a chair.
Poe, gagging on Susurrare's long hair and shoving him away, exits the bar poste haste.
OT4 laughs at Susurrare, pointing and calling him "Barf Boy" with another protracted belch.
Virtual Boy is still addressing the dartboard.
"Can I have a packed of HP nuts and two half-pints of Stella, please?"
The dartboard is silent.
Susurrare grabs OceanicTrade4 with a vom-tentacle and bashes him through the nearest table. He splurges forth another tentacle and whips Virtual Boy around, smashing him against the ceiling.
"Look what you have created! I appear a monster, so I shall be a monster!!" he roars.
OT4 stands. "And here I was worried Poe was just gonna eat us all and not let us out until we were old and grey." Another eruction spews from him and he throws a table, but at himself, as he's forgotten whom he was fighting.
Virtual Boy dances around like Fred Astaire and then tiger-kicks OceanicTrade4 before leaping over to the jukebox and turning on "Every Breath You Take" by The Police.
OT4 flies out the window, but manages to stagger back in through the open door, whiskey in hand. From behind, Poe beats him over the head with her shoe, and takes the whiskey back from him, heading back out the door.
"Gimme that, you!" OceanicTrade4 chases her but fails to realize he's gone the wrong way entirely and exits via the back door, the new back door that wasn't there a moment ago.
Susurrare realizes that OT4 has the power to shape reality, and reforms from Vom-man back into his old self, nonchalantly wandering over to the bar and orders yet another Stoli Crystal on the rocks.
Poe returns the whiskey to the bartender and asks instead for a Corona with lime before sitting in a quiet corner.
OT4, like a spoiled three year-old, seizes the whiskey and promptly drops it.
Susurrare looks around, almost taken aback by the lack of activity, waits a moment, and then saunters over the piano and settles down, playing Bach's Piano Concerto in D.
Virtual Boy looks over at Poe. "I only heard of Corona beer today," he states simply.
Passing out on top of the fallen dartboard, OT4 crumples in another corner. Poe looks on, impressed that he was able to hold onto consciousness for as long as he did.
"Yeah, dartboards can do that do you." VB muses.
But OceanicTrade4 jumps back to life and posits: "If I can warp reality, VB now has a funny hat with a dead rat on it!" Then stumbles to the bar where he tries to eat a beer and drink from the bowl of pretzels.
Virtual Boy wanders back over to the jukebox and fiddles with it, accidentally putting on "Relax" by Frankie. As Susurrare is still seated and performing at the piano, the cacauphony of Relax and Bach causes the ground to tremble. Poe is overcome with a violent urge to kill both Mozart AND the Prime Minister of Malaysia.
OceanicTrade4 flies through the air unexpectedly and smashes the jukebox to kingdom come. Susurrare's piano playing gradually tapers to silence, as it looks like violence may be brewing again, and OT4 overcomes the silence by throwing a tub of mustard onto the piano and starts eating it.
Poe looks over warily at the approach of Amelia - now headless from the shotgun blast - with a blank stare, her gaze followed by Virtual Boy's, who, under his breath approves:
"WOOF! She was a bit of alright, that Amelia Earhart."
Meanwhile, the mercury, finally, has kicked in full and OceanicTrade4 loses his memory.
Susurrare turns disgustedly to address Virtual Boy.
"She ain't a bit of alright of she's decapitated and covered in OT4's crap. Trust me."
Poe reminds Sus that Amelia's also probably longing to kiss him with her stumpy neck-hole. It was so lonely stuck in OceanicTrade4's lower intestine for all those long years, surely.
OT4 in a fit of omniscient insanity, convinces himself he is a sandwich, shrinks to the size of a pill, and jumps down Poe's throat. Poe excuses herself and heads to the restroom...about to be sick.
Three days later, Poe wanders back into the bar, humming. She kicks the first person she sees.
OceanicTrade4, having found his way out of the local sewer system and regaining his former size, enters the bar and throws a bottle of vodka at the replacement dartboard.
Virtual Boy, now completely enamored, resurrects Amelia Earhart back to her living self and buys her a drink. He goes back over to the repaired jukebox and soon the room is filled with strains of "Love My Way" by the Psychedelic Furs.
OT4 dances on the bar, in some sort of victory jig, declaring himself King of the Insane.
Poe, disputing the claim to insanity, insisting it rightfully belongs to her, flings a copy of Ethel the Aardvark Goes Quantity Surveying at the back of OceanicTrade4's head and kicks him soundly in the shins. Being then, suddenly, reminded of a good song, leaves the bar again, this time humming "New Slang."
OT4 bows, "Hence, I claim victory. Unless you want a rematch..." and seizes the Crown of Madness from himself, it having constituted from thin air, and barks with the sound of mad laughter.
Poe returns, shortly, with her intrepid spaniel, Stig, who proceeds to bite OT4's legs off. Whilst this carnage takes place, she snatches the crown and heads down the street to the hospital, where she has it permanently attached to her head.
Virtual Boy wonders at the name of Poe's dog. Stig? Really?
OceanicTrade4 feeds the dumb dog to a large mother hippo, then saws the crown off of Poe's head.
"It's MINE, I say! MINE MINE MINE MINE MINE MINE MINE mine mine mine ..." he chants, running out cramming the bloodied crown onto his own noggin.
Poe collapses onto the floor and dies, bleeding profusely. As her last act before shuffling off this mortal coil, she releases Undead Headless Poo-Smeared Amelia from the tube of her BackVac and sics her after OT4 to haunt him for the rest of her undead days.
Susurrare shakes his head with a low whistle. '
"'Tis a fate worse than death that lies before thee now, OT4."
Much, much later, MonkeyWooWoo enters the bar, smashes a bottle of Newcastle Brown on a table and sticks it in the barman's face.
"YEAH! Stitch THAT, Jimmy!"
He still hasn't noticed the corpse of Poe, rotting on the floor. Susurrare wanders back in, unsure of what is going on.
Virtual Boy, drawn in from the back room at the sound of Monkey's yelling, begins to shout himself:
"Have at ye, varmints!" and launches himself in the direction of both Monkey and Sus. Monkey is floored at once by VB's flying self, and wonders what the hell happened, before he starts crawling to the bar for a vodka refresher.
"I'll get this round in!" yells VB, as a match bell rings and someone shouts, "Fight!"
MonkeyWooWoo springs to his feet and adopts a south paw stance, then remembers he's no good at boxing and reaches for a pool cue.
"Bring it on!"
Virtual boy grabs a bunch of napkins, which he ties together with two forks to form a highly dangerous improvised nun-chuck.
"You have dishonoured my pint. Prepare to die, or at least get hit quite a bit, anyway. WHOOOAHAAHHAOOOOORRR!"
Monkey ducks the first swing of the napkin nun-chucks and swipes his pool cue at Virtual Boy's legs. VB forward-flips in slow motion to miss the swing and ends up on the other side of Monkey, who pokes the pool cue into the gap under the nearest barstool, flinging it headlong in his direction. Grabbing the stool from mid-air with his napkin nun-chucks, Virtual Boy twirls it around a bit and then breaks it in half with his right elbow while going, "WHWHAOAHHRRAHAOHRRHRHRRRRRHHOORRR!!!"
MonkeyWooWoo runs to the bar, wraps a rag around a bottle of whiskey, lights it, and hurls it back at VB.
Meanwhile, Poe is still decomposing, whilst the figure of Fibonacci saunters into the bar, wild west style, and fires his pistol into the air.
OT4, finally recovering from the bottle to the face, realizes he is forever doomed to be chased by Poo-Smeared Amelia and is driven further insane. He rocks back and forth in a corner murmuring something about being eaten by Poe.
Democratic Donkeys arouses his faculties and throws a chair into the corner currently being occupied by OceanicTrade4, whom, upon being hit by the chair, proceeds to hide under it with furtive glances. Fibonacci, elsewhere in the room, dives at the nearest patron and pummels them.
Monkey, finally noticing the festering corpse of Poe, wonders if anyone else has paid attention to the decomposition in the middle of the bar, and throws a chair at both DD and OT4.
"All right, alright, keep your 'airnet on!" OceanicTrade4 screams, whipping out some really strong, magical elixir to revive Poe, and welcomes her back, relenting the crown to her, but insisting she take a shower.
Virtual Boy flips over a table, calling out to all present, waking Monkey, who had fallen asleep during a foray into the cellar for some top-shelf items. "Woohoo, alcohol!" he calls.
"HAVE SOME MORE!" Democratic Donkeys offers, throwing a bottle of beer at WooWoo's face.
Monkey catches the lid in his mouth as it passes, pulling it off. (The lid, you pervs.) The bottle lands on a shelf and pours into a glass below. Congratulating himself for his prowess, MonkeyWooWoo insists that it just needs some ice, and then proceeds to return a pint glass back in the direction of Democratic Donkeys.
Agreeing with a nod that the drink in question DOES need ice, Virtual Boy flings the nearest ice bucket at the Monkey's head. It catches him full force in the face, breaking his nose and flattening him unconscious onto the floor. VB dances a small, somewhat restrained victory dance before calling an ambulance. Democratic Donkeys puts out a cigarette in one of Virtual Boy's eyes.
OT4 recovers enough to realize his best option is retreating to the nearest psych ward. But not before throwing himself one last time at the dartboard with high, crazy laughter.
Virtual Boy has a few drinks and settles down, looking at his watch wondering what is taking the ambulance so long. DD sneaks up behind him and bashes a chair into the back of VB's head. Rolling forward, and spinning around, Virtual Boy throws a chair back at Democratic Donkeys, who catches said chair and proceeds to beat Virtual Boy with it. Meanwhile, OT4 has gotten himself stuck in the dartboard.
A day or so later, MonkeyWooWoo wakes up in the hospital, but gets a taxi back to the bar. He somehow manages to extricate OT4 from the dartboard before chucking him into one of the bathroom stalls.
Virtual Boy, entering the bar yet again, sits down, accidentally spilling someone's pint.
Poe jumps up from her favorite barstool.
"Bugger! Now look here, chap! What's the matter with yeh, bunging pints around that aren't yer own? That's bollocks, that is!"
"Shurrup ya fanny!" Virtual Boy spits back, "I aren't have shite like that said to me! Buy us another pint of best or I'll full-on chin yer!" He wags a finger in Poe's face.
Monkey steps up from behind the bar.
"Easy mate, you can't talk to a girl like that!"
While Monkey is distracting Virtual Boy, Poe bites the latter's finger hard, before smacking him around.
OceanicTrade4, who has crawled out from the toilets, is bumped by Monkey as he stands, spilling the glass of Guinness.
"Oi!"
He socks MonkeyWooWoo in the back of the head. Recovering slightly, MonkeyWooWoo grabs a bottle of Budweiser and smashes it over OT4's skull.
"Have at you!" he shouts.
Retaliating, OceanicTrade4 smacks Monkey over the head with a barstool before tackling Mr. WooWoo over the bar. Monkey ends up in a heap on the floor with a rather nasty splinter hanging out of his head, and OT4 on top of him. He reaches for the flick-knife in his pocket, but it's just out of reach, so he headbutts OceanicTrade4 instead. OT4 tries to bash Monkey's head into the floor.
"Spill my drink, will you? EAT FLOOR TILE!" he screams.
With a somewhat broken nose, MonkeyWooWoo finally grasps his knife and after spitting out two teeth and a lot of blood, sticks it straight into OT4's arm.
Susurrare meanders into the bar, and walks straight up to the barman, ignorant of the brawling on the floor.
"I say, old bean, any chance of a glass of Pimms?"
A newcomer, El Sha'ladan, enters the bar just behind Susurrare, sees what's going on, and smiles. Bar fight. Violence. CHAOS... he walks up to Sus, grabs his shoulder, spins him around and slugs him square in the nose. The gentleman's nose explodes in a shower of blood.
"Gosh, old fellow," he blurts, "I seem to have gotten in the way of your fist. I'm dreadfully sorry. Could I possibly interest you in a glass of Pimms?"
As he says this, he quietly drops a concealed punch-dagger out of the pouch in his sleeve. Poe spins around on her stool and delivers a blow to El's jaw that flips him over the bar.
"That was uncalled for! You punched him for no earthly reason!"
"Why, thank you, madam," Susurrare purrs, replacing the punch-dagger, "My round, I believe."
"No worries," Poe shrugs, and chucks her empty bottle at the back of the bartender's head. "Oy! Barkeep! Pimms for the gen'l'man."
"And another bottle of what the lady was drinking. You'll find her first embedded in your cranium," Sus adds. The barkeeper collapses on top of MonkeyWooWoo, who exclaims with a hearty "Oi!" of his own and then taking a mouthful of whiskey, holds a lit match in front of it and spits it in both Poe and El's direction. Poe dodges the spurt of flame, pulling Susurrare with her, and asks him to excuse her momentarily. Jumping the bar, she kicks Mr. WooWoo in the head with her stiletto heel. He hits the floor with her stiletto hanging from his head. He pull s the shoe out and throws it back in her direction, crawling a way to tend to his numerous head wounds.
Poe puts her shoe back on and returns to the proper side of the bar with drinks in hand.
El Sha'ladan shakes his head slowly, regaining consciousness, and realizes he's on fire. He uses this discovery to his advantage, running around the bar hugging everyone he can see.
"Spread the love! SPREAD THE FLAMES!" he cries.
Poe, grabbing the shotgun off the wall once again, cocks it and aims it at El as he comes near.
"Come any closer to me while you're on fire, and I'll end your misery."
He stops and looks at Poe, his arms outstretched, a painful grin still on his face... he takes one step forward.
"C'mon, Poe, you don't want a hug?"
Another step.
"I'm OH so ... HOT."
One step.
"And I promise it'll WARM your heart..."
Step.
Poe puts the gun down and grabs a nearby seltzer, spraying it at El and quenching the fire.
"You can hug me now, if you'd like," she shrugs, "Or try to, anyway."
Looking nonplussed, El complains: "Well, now I'm ALL WASHED UP. I mean, really, I'm mad as a WET hen." He spins around once. "Do I look fat, I think I'm RETAINING WATER."
El Sha'ladan gives Poe a hug, then runs and dives behind the bar. Poe pounces over it and smacks El around the head for those horrid puns. He slaps her back in the face.
"You like those? I got more! Just give me a situation, I've got puns for all of them! HA!"
Poe knees him in the balls, gives him a couple of purple nerples and returns to her drink on the proper side of the counter. El lays on the ground, groaning, holding his nards and trying to think up puns for this situation.
Poe laughs heartily into her stein.
While he continues to lay crumpled, clutching alternately at his nuts and nipples, El Sha'ladan calls from the floor:
"You've got a heart of STONES! You're absolutely TWISTED! You're GROIN' down, now, y'hear!"
He manages a weak laugh, and then,
"Oh, my nips..."
Susurrare meanwhile has been assembling the pun-gun. In a moment, he takes aim, only to be interrupted.
"Chou want sam?! Chou want sam?!?!" Virtual boy nuts a doorframe. "Chou want sam?!"
El Sha'ladan is finally able to stand, muttering... "she kicks hard.." but then dives to avoid the pun-gun.
"And here, I thought that was cooks and soup!"
He overturns a table, hiding behind it and whimpering, still rubbing his sore nipples.
"Chou want sam, sanshoine?! A? Oarwhite?!" Virtual Boy nuts the table. "Chou fink Eure ard?!" He nuts himself.
El grabs a chair, pops up, and smashes it over VB's head.
"TAKE THAT, STANLEY!"
Poe laughs so hard she falls off her stool. VB is disoriented. "Wot? Ooh a u? He collapses with a whimper: "Ah'm a cock-er-ney sparrah..."
"BAHAHAHA!" Poe breaks a bottle over El's head, and kicks him in the nads again as he stares at the slumped over Virtual Boy. Mr. Sha'ladan is conscious just long enough to feel the intense pain of the second nut-shot of the day, before passing out cold beside VB.
"Chintz pies! Chintz pies at Christmas toime!" Virtual Boy shrieks, his leg twitching.
Susurrare steps over the two bodies and nips around behind the bar, "Now, who was drinking what, again?" he asks.
"I'll take a Dr. Pepper," Poe muses, "I could use a little caffeine."
Sus pours one in a tall glass over ice and passes it across the bar to Poe, handing her a straw. He also shoots El in the leg with the pun-gun, just to be safe.
"Thank you kindly, " Poe says. She nods to the two boys on the floor. "Do you think it would help if someone kissed them better? Should I call for Amelia?"
"Waugh!"
El is startled awake by the pun-gun.
"WAUGH!"
He is hit by the pain of the second nard-shot.
"WAAAAAUUUUGH!!!!"
He tries to make a pun, and can't! He passes out again from shock.
Poe moves to kiss him better and apologize. El Sha'ladan comes to just as Poe is leaning down and screams in horror, as he assumes that he's about to receive another nard-shot. His breath smells vaguely of mouthwash and peanut butter. Poe recoils, startled. El rolls away, but chooses the wrong direction and rolls up and over Virtual Boy, kneeing him in the groin as he does so (accidentally, of course,) and scrambles to his feet.
Assuming a cool Kung Fu pose, he looks wearily at Miss Poe.
She shakes her head slowly and apologizes, leaning in to kiss him on the cheek. Instead of attacking, El accepts the peck, and the apology, then turns to the barkeeper.
"Now, then, I'll have a lager."
"I think he'd like a bag of ice, too, " Poe muses. El winces.
"One big bag, and two smaller ones, actually. For the nips. And the nards."
With an evil grin, Poe replies, "Well, I'd kiss those better, but I'm not that kinda girl..."
Tutting, El gets the ice, turning his back as he shoves one bag in his pants with a yelp, and then dances around for a bit before going through the same wince and dance routine as he slips the two smaller bags under his shirt. He sits down gingerly, and then lets out a sigh.
"Now, where's my lager?"
"I ATE IT!" barks Virtual Boy, as he jumps up and nuts El Sha'ladan.
Wincing herself, Poe puts down the money for her Dr. Pepper and turns to leave.
"I'm glad you paid for that drink! I almost had to nut you, too!" Calls Virtual Boy.
"Heh. Sure thing..." Poe leaves a tip for VB as well, and heads out the door, looking over her shoulder with caution.
"Bye!" yells Virtual Boy.
As Poe leaves, Economic Determinists enters the bar, and orders a Bacardi and diet coke. (Only 60 calories!) and chugs it down. Ordering another one, ED proceeds to pour it over Virtual Boy's head.
"What? You looked hot, I was helping to cool you off!"
Suddenly, MonkeyWooWoo burst in the door with a fire hose.
"Someone say they were HOT?!"
He nails the whole room with the hose and runs back out. Virtual Boy grabs his hat and puts it on his head. Of course, it's full of water, so he gets even more drenched. He cries into the night:
"I'll get you Monkeyyyy... if it's the last thing I DOOOOO!"
Walking in and stepping up to the bar, Blackshear orders some sort of fruity drink with an umbrella and a licorice straw, scanning the room looking for talent.
Democratic Donkeys spies the new patron and, taking the mounted swordfish off the nearby mantle, stabs Blackshear with it multiple times. Virtual Boy cackles with laughter at this evil act, but cannot bring himself to stop it.
Poe wanders back in and orders a Shirley Temple. She proceeds to remove the maraschino cherries one at a time with her fingertips, pops them into her mouth, and removes each stem a moment later, tied into a small knot. She flicks said stems at the back of DD's head before resorting to spitting crushed ice through her straw at him as well. When he turns to look in her direction, she feigns innocence and turns away.
"I can do that with cherry stems too," Democratic Donkeys claims, "Takes a little bit, but I can. I have a talented tongue, I suppose... INNNUENDO."
"I've been able to do it since third grade," Poe says, sticking out her tongue. "I can also unwrap starburst with my tongue. And if you refer to the Hidden Talent thread, you'll be able to see something ELSE I can do with my tongue as well."
"I saw that a long time ago. The image has still stuck with me, how odd," DD remembers, before finishing: "I can unwrap Starburst with my mouth as well. I'm still working on the origami part, though."
Poe whacks DD upside the head and then kicks him in the shins. Fibonacci whaps Poe in the head. Blackshear flies through the air toward Fib with a KAH-RAH-TAY CHOP! But Poe stops him cold using the Vulcan death-grip. But as she is not a true Vulcan, the effect merely stuns Blackshear for a moment before he retaliates with a Three Stooge-style eye poke. He is summarily noogied by the brief presence of 100 Donuts, who is reduced to tears by an atomic wedgie from Poe.
Democratic Donkeys drops an atomic bomb on the whole bar.
Somehow, completely out of the vicinity for the atomic bomb and resulting fallout, OceanicTrade4 returns, and with a "Kai yai yippy yippy yay!" dives into the fracas and gets his ass kicked. "Ow crap that hurt-OW-ouch jeeze ouch oowwww..." A barstool splinters.
"HY-YAHHHHH!!!"
Monte Ozarka jumps in as well with some awesome pool cue/makeshift quarterstaff action, before DD shoots her, a la Indiana Jones. Fibonacci, recovered from the blast, jumps at DD with a judo chop, and Democratic Donkeys catches it in the shoulder. DD falls over, wincing in pain.
"Wow, Fibonacci, I didn't know you could hit so hard, " 100 Donuts is slightly taken aback.
Fast-forward almost a year, when IndieGirl clambers in.
"A-HA! We DO have a pub! And THIS is where Headless Poo-Smeared Amelia was conceived!" She has made an astonishing discovery. Huma follows her inside.
"Whatever happened to OT4?" he asks, "I miss the guy..."
"This was the best place ever, how did we let it end up like this?" IG wonders. In keeping with the spirit of the trashed room, she bungs an empty beer glass at the back of Huma's head and pokes whoever else is there in the eyes with one of those little plastic sword toothpicks.
GoalVA jumps through the front window and rolls under a table, stopping quietly to peer around. He throws a skipping rope around IndieGirl's feet like a bolus. Having recovered from the blow, Huma smashes the table GoalVA was under.
Fortunately, the blow to the table actually broke Huma's hand, and taking advantage of this, GoalVA leaps up and drop-kicks Huma in the face. IndieGirl flings herself on top of the table in a vicious sort of war/tap dance, before chucking the broken table leg at Huma, then stops, having unearthed some sort of back-mounted vacuum from the nearest pile of rubble. She examines it, wondering if Amelia has kept quiet in there all this time.
A tap on the shoulder causes IG to turn, and Goal smacks her in the nose with the BackVac he has grabbed. She screams in pain, but is not distracted enough to miss grabbing it back from GoalVA and easily unleashing the undead Headless Poo-Smeared horror within. Headless Amelia advances on Goal, making odd sucking growly noises from her stumpy neck-hole.
"Amelia baby!" GoalVA cries, "You never call me anymore! I thought we had something special going..."
He grabs her and proceeds to kiss her, while stabbing IndieGirl with a rusty spoon.
Incensed, IndieGirl sucks Amelia back into the BackVac for use at a later date and then chucks the table leg at the back of Goal's head again, before kicking him back of the knees.
Goal is knocked to the floor, where he wets himself. While he is thus distracted, Huma has created a molotov cocktail. When the time is right, GoalVA and the BackVac both go up in flames.
Miraculously, GoalVA is saved by his urine-soaked clothes. Grabbing Huma by the shoulders, he throws him into IndieGirl and then jumps atop the two of them. IG swings her fists around, lucky she wore her spike-studded leather wristbands, and quickly extricates herself from the tangle of flailing limbs. She lets out a low, somewhat embarrassed whistle and murmurs, "I'll just leave you two alone, shall I?" and retreats behind the bar to find herself some rum.
Huma spits GoalVA in the eye with a nearby salad fork before leaping away. Goal pulls out a guitar and starts playing Kumbaya to lure people closer. IG chucks a handful of darts at Goal's guitar, impaling his hands in several places.
Despite his better judgment, Huma edges forward, morbidly curious as to why the fork doesn't seem to be bothering Goal. The trap sprung, GoalVA leaps up and smashes Huma in the face with the guitar, forgetting his hand is still stuck to it from deeply embedded darts.
IndieGirl yanks the fork out of Goal's eye, creeped out by the way it was moving as he looked around. She shoves the fork into Huma's eye instead to see how he likes it, and helps herself to a pint from the Guinness tap.
GoalVA passes out from lack of blood. Resourceful and quick on her feet, IG gives Goal a transfusion. But forgets to mention what was just transfused. Filled with lady-juices, GoalVA vomits mice into IndieGirl's hair as Huma staggers around blindly.
Suddenly, Honeysheep runs in and throws a chair at the blinded Huma, before pulling out the fork - with Huma's eye attached - and stuffs both into Goal's throat.
James2Spooky, the unnoticed observer in the corner, calls 9-1-1 and prepares to run.
IndieGirl flings a handful of flaming darts at Jimmy's ready-to-retreat backside and sics Headless Poo-Smeared Amelia at him. She cackles maniacally, a cross between Jabba the Hutt's laugh and Jean Luc PIcard's.
Sydia steps in, sees the chaos, and jumps back out through a window. Goal notes the long-haired girly man jumping out the window of the bar and follows him into a dark alley, where he stabs him with a small nectarine.
Spying the pile of bodies outside the window, James2Spooky jumps out and lands on them. IG has chased both Goal and Syd out of the bar in order to mug Goal, so she can steal and patent his small nectarine. They'll never detect THOSE at airport security!
Bloodied and beaten, lying on the ground, GoalVA uses his amazing powers to call down a flock of starlings. The mighty swarm of birds fly at IndieGirl and eat her shoelaces.
A passing gentlemanly figure in a trenchcoat, looks across the street at the scene. "Oh my god," he murmurs to himself, "The bar fights... wow, this place brings back memories. Ah, is that Headless Poo-Smeared Amelia I spy inside? I think she may have made an appearance elsewhere... but I can't remember now..."
He shakes his head, and is gone.
A glass thrown by James2Spooky lands at the place the man was standing on the street. IndieGirl, who is actually Poe in disguise, having seen the brief glance of Susurarre's familiar face, cries out.
"Noooooo! Come baaaaack!"
She bursts into tears, and then breaks several beer bottles over everyone's heads. James2Spooky tries to break a bottle and accidentally hurts himself, then scrambles around yelping from the pain. Fulhead Land walks in and grabs a pool cue to bash Jimmy over the head with.
A confused Baribeau sticks his head in for a moment. "Wait a minute, I'm confused... is IG Poe?!" He smacks himself over the head with a bottle of Olde English. Fulhead Land admits he is just as confused. In his confusion, he slips on the spilled Olde English and collapses.
Standing up, James2Spooky is dubious. "I'm not too sure... probably after she made me doubt about it. I think she is just pretending as Poe and using her name... I can see the difference between them. Excuse me if you really are the same person."
Dramatic music plays. Sydia slinks into the shadows of the bar, a cloud of smoke soon accumulates around his head. IndieGirl approaches him.
"You draw far too much attention to yourself, MR. UNDERHILL."
Jimmy stabs Sydia from behind the bar. (What?)
Still wielding the pool cue, Fulhead hits all three of them. James recuperates by drinking a few glasses of beer. Sydia smashes a bottle on the bar and thrust it into Jimbo's face, before lifting the bloodied body and hurling him out the window in a rather implausible way.
James2Spooky becomes a zombie, rising again and again and again and...
"Cut that out!" yells Syd, "Somebody get a chainsaw!"
GoalVA wanders back into the bar with a lead pipe.
"Haha! Did you miss me, bitches?!" he cries, and jumps into the fray.
Honeysheep steps clear of the shadows with a chainsaw. She saws the pipe in half, then saws James in half, and then throws the saw at Sydia, but misses and it cuts his legs off.
James is stopped only momentarily. His halves wriggling toward her. Fulhead throws the pool cue at him before jumping at Syd. Rolling out from beneath a pile of bodies, GoalVA leaps at Fulhead and brings him to the floor. Honeysheep dies in a tragic attempt to jump out the window.
Grappling with GoalVA, Fulhead smashes his own head into a table.
IndieGirl douses the entire room in gasoline and flicks a smouldering cigarette butt into the bar through the broken window as soon as she's exited the building.
Darth Mathius stands in the doorway, an ominous presence. He looks around, lighting his cigar from the flames of IG's little fire. He lowers his hood and grabs IndieGirl's arm, pulling her back into the midst of the scene.
With a deft leap, Fulhead Land grabs onto a still-hanging chandelier and lands on Darth Mathius before he begins to pepper his face with a series of rapid punches. IndieGirl slips in with a menu and gives Darth Mathius a papercut in the eye. Fulhead swings around and flying kicks IndieGirl as she tries to move away.
Darth Mathius lets his cigar drop to the ground with a loud yelp as he clutches at his eyeball. He pushes IG full on into Fulhead's flying kick.
Blackshear, having returned to the scene, smashes a tray of dirty beer glasses on the ground before shoving Darth Mathius face-first into the wreckage. Fulhead smashes a wine bottle over Blackshear's head.
Shaking the glass out of his hair, Blackshear elbows Fulhead in the chops without taking a look back. Fulhead stands up, dusts himself off, and orders a pint. Finally, pulling his hood back over his head, Darth Mathius orders a pint for the whole crowd, while still trying to extricate bits of wreckage from his face.
IndieGirl sits down at the piano and does a rousing Billy Joel rendition.
"Bwahaha," she cackles, "If that's not torture, I don't know what is!"
Blackshear joins her in a shout-rap version of Uptown Girl, and they both soak up the adulation of an adoring public. Byardkuria sneaks up and starts the fire... in Blackshear's toupee.
Fulhead pounces on Byard with another judo chop. Shoeless Joe enters and brands his own initials on Fulhead's backside, causing Fulhead to fly around in pain with a roundhouse kick to Shoeless's face.
IndieGirl puts a full stop to it by shattering a brand new bottle of Bacardi over Fullhead's... head.
Another newcomer, Babit, walks into the pub, hoping for a quiet pint, and sees the fight. He turns to walk out and is hit over the head with a flying barstool.
"YO! I was LEAVING!" he hollers, grabbing the midget (who's been there the whole time) and throwing him through the window.
Sydia breaks a chair... over another chair. And then realizes the futility.
Democratic Donkeys returns and kills everyone, but then Flemingovia pops in to taunt him:
"Yeah? Yeah? You could not hit a camel's backside with a really, really big stick! Missed me, missed me, now you have to... maybe not."
From a distant location, Defaultia nukes the bar. This is the second time the location has gone nuclear. Somehow it is still standing, leaving a room for Romanoffia to enter and fire his '72 Colt .45 Peacemaker into the ceiling before saying, in his best Wyatt imitation, "I'll shoot the first person I see without a drink in his hand."
Never one to ignore the command of someone backed up with a loaded gun, Namyeknom slinks across to the indestructible bar (putting the boot into the various wounded along the way) and gets a drink, remembering, of course, to put his drink on Romanoffia's tab.
IndieGirl sneaks in, back from the recently dead, to flick toothpicks at the back of Flemingovia's head while he's not paying attention.
And then, much, much later, Poe is seen walking quietly out the nearly unhinged door of the dark, mostly-demolished, windowpane-less, boarded-up and abandoned building. She hangs a large "CONDEMNED" sign on the front of the door, and carefully bolts it shut, sliding a heavy key ring into her pocket.
The only sound on the street is the jangling of keys with each step as she fades slowly out of sight.
"Anyone want a full-scale brawl? Hmm?"
Ahimsan Carthage replies non-verbally, whacking Virtual Boy over the head with his digital camera.
Poe walks in with an eyepatch.
Virtual Boy lifts Poe out of the way and then flying kicks Ahimsan while yelling, "WWWooooaruuuuurrAaaa!!"
Poe looks askance belligerently.
Grand Duke Dan pipes up: "Nah, wasn't me mate. It was that skinhead over by the bogs. Said you were a twat, he did."
In the bustle, OceanicTrade4 is shoved, spilling his Guinness.
"Oi!" he growls, furiously tackling the nearest patron over the bar.
Drkwych moves out of the way of the ensuing brawl, and leans over to ask Poe what she thinks of the silly prats spilling their drinks and proceeding to beat the Y chromosome outta each other.
Meanwhile, Democratic Donkeys smashes his bottle against the counter. Or tries to, the darn thing won't break because it's plastic. He throws the bottle away knees the nearest midget right in the face.
OceanicTrade4 picks up the midget and hurls him down the bar, spilling every drink along it.
Democratic Donkeys screams, "Yeah! Trash that midget! I mean, little person!" and smashes a bottle on someone close to him.
In another corner of the room, Virtual Boy nuts the skinhead.
"Come on then, you fat tranny," he taunts, "Your Mum! GRRRR!"
Mayitha ducks quick enough not to get hit by a flying beer bottle and hollers a grumpy, "Hey, I'm drinking here!" And then proceeds to cheer on the fighting from a safe corner of the bar.
As soon as Virtual Boy is flung over the bar, he gets back up, stands on the counter and shouts:
"HAS ANYONE SEEN MY FIST?!! IF YOU HAVEN'T, THEN I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE YOU!!!" and in a haze flings himself at the nearest patron, who happens to be a woman from the Salvation Army.
"I've never fought a member of the military before! Perhaps today IS a good day to die!"
Quietly, Susurrare orders a Stoli crystal on the rocks and sits down gingerly to watch the ensuing melee. In quick succession, he is clobbered on the head from behind and goes down like a sack of bricks. Damn his lack of fighting skills...
Virtual Boy, still in a rage, trips over Susurrare and barrels into Poe, but Susurrare, recovering from the blunt trauma grabs VB's passing ankle and ties his shoelaces together. But in a magnificent spectacle of acrobatics and keen fighting maneuvers, Virtual Boy backflips and starts to strangle Susurrare with his shoelaces, whilst walking on his hands.
In retaliation, Susurrare deploys the Mind Probe. Followed by Poe's show of defense and one-ups-manship in the deployment of the Butt Probe. Susurrare turns, trying to escape the horrors of the Butt Probe.
On the other side of the room, OceanicTrade4 tackles the Swiss wise guy and dumps a keg over his head. But not before being caught and ravaged by the Butt Probe, which promptly and efficiently returns with its findings, only to report that...
...We finally know where Amelia Earhart wound up.
OceanicTrade4, feeling violated and rightly so, throws the Butt Probe out the door, in front of a passing truck, and then goes to tackle Poe, but misses completely and crunches up the table with her drink on it.
Poe wheels around and sics the aged and soiled Amelia at OT4 for spoiling her drink.
Using Amelia as a human missile against the dartboard (having mistaken said dartboard for Poe,) OceanicTrade4 returns to the bar to down a shot of vodka, his vision still hazy. He grabs Poe's butt, thinking it's a water balloon.
In the meantime, Susurrare has extracted his head from OT4's keg and injects him in the base of the spine with mercury, whilst avoiding the whiffy Amelia.
Poe whips around, shocked by the groping, and shoves her broken beer bottle between OceanicTrade4's legs.
OT4 then tries to ride the beer bottle, yelling "Away Silver! Hodey Hi!" thinking the bottle is a horse, but ends up attacking the dartboard as the mercury kicks in.
With a victorious smirk, Susurrare activates the dartboard's hidden tickle-sticks. Which OceanicTrade4 attempts at once to ingest.
Poe, amused into breathless laughter by the presence of hidden tickle-sticks, falls to the floor, hysterical.
Susurrare watches OT4 with a sense of wry amusement and considers using the Mind Probe, as it has already been deployed.
OceanicTrade4 throws alcohol at Poe, trying to revive her from her fit of hysterics, but the ever resourceful Susurrare lights the stream of drink on fire as it passes him by on the way to its intended target.
Poe rolls out of the way just in time, the lit alcohol hitting, instead, the chair she was formerly sitting in. Up she jumps and grabs the flaming chair, tossing it to Amelia, who chases down the two boys and beats them over the head with it, still reeking from excrement.
OT4 voices his curiosity as to the length of time Amelia was concealed in his bowels, punctuating it with a loud, drunken belch.
Susurrare, almost overwhelmed by the stench of Ms. Earhart, as well as the chair, still manages to stick the Mind Probe into Amelia's ear, taking control of her, and sends the disgusting monstrosity back Poe's way.
Poe, grabs a piece of decor off the nearby wall, and blows Amelia's head off with it, said decor being, in actuality, a shotgun - and then proceeds to fire it off around the remainder of the room.
In a fit of drunken and mercurial insanity, OceanicTrade4 attempts to force-feed Susurrare to Poe, and then lurches toward the dartboard, hoping to get another drink from it.
Virtual Boy is enthused, and proclaims, "Here lads! The dartboard's serving halfs!!" He rushes to the dartboard and stands peacefully in queue behind OT4, who grabs another Guinness, but thinking it's empty tips it over, murmurs an "Oops," and goes toward the bar, thinking it's a chair.
Poe, gagging on Susurrare's long hair and shoving him away, exits the bar poste haste.
OT4 laughs at Susurrare, pointing and calling him "Barf Boy" with another protracted belch.
Virtual Boy is still addressing the dartboard.
"Can I have a packed of HP nuts and two half-pints of Stella, please?"
The dartboard is silent.
Susurrare grabs OceanicTrade4 with a vom-tentacle and bashes him through the nearest table. He splurges forth another tentacle and whips Virtual Boy around, smashing him against the ceiling.
"Look what you have created! I appear a monster, so I shall be a monster!!" he roars.
OT4 stands. "And here I was worried Poe was just gonna eat us all and not let us out until we were old and grey." Another eruction spews from him and he throws a table, but at himself, as he's forgotten whom he was fighting.
Virtual Boy dances around like Fred Astaire and then tiger-kicks OceanicTrade4 before leaping over to the jukebox and turning on "Every Breath You Take" by The Police.
OT4 flies out the window, but manages to stagger back in through the open door, whiskey in hand. From behind, Poe beats him over the head with her shoe, and takes the whiskey back from him, heading back out the door.
"Gimme that, you!" OceanicTrade4 chases her but fails to realize he's gone the wrong way entirely and exits via the back door, the new back door that wasn't there a moment ago.
Susurrare realizes that OT4 has the power to shape reality, and reforms from Vom-man back into his old self, nonchalantly wandering over to the bar and orders yet another Stoli Crystal on the rocks.
Poe returns the whiskey to the bartender and asks instead for a Corona with lime before sitting in a quiet corner.
OT4, like a spoiled three year-old, seizes the whiskey and promptly drops it.
Susurrare looks around, almost taken aback by the lack of activity, waits a moment, and then saunters over the piano and settles down, playing Bach's Piano Concerto in D.
Virtual Boy looks over at Poe. "I only heard of Corona beer today," he states simply.
Passing out on top of the fallen dartboard, OT4 crumples in another corner. Poe looks on, impressed that he was able to hold onto consciousness for as long as he did.
"Yeah, dartboards can do that do you." VB muses.
But OceanicTrade4 jumps back to life and posits: "If I can warp reality, VB now has a funny hat with a dead rat on it!" Then stumbles to the bar where he tries to eat a beer and drink from the bowl of pretzels.
Virtual Boy wanders back over to the jukebox and fiddles with it, accidentally putting on "Relax" by Frankie. As Susurrare is still seated and performing at the piano, the cacauphony of Relax and Bach causes the ground to tremble. Poe is overcome with a violent urge to kill both Mozart AND the Prime Minister of Malaysia.
OceanicTrade4 flies through the air unexpectedly and smashes the jukebox to kingdom come. Susurrare's piano playing gradually tapers to silence, as it looks like violence may be brewing again, and OT4 overcomes the silence by throwing a tub of mustard onto the piano and starts eating it.
Poe looks over warily at the approach of Amelia - now headless from the shotgun blast - with a blank stare, her gaze followed by Virtual Boy's, who, under his breath approves:
"WOOF! She was a bit of alright, that Amelia Earhart."
Meanwhile, the mercury, finally, has kicked in full and OceanicTrade4 loses his memory.
Susurrare turns disgustedly to address Virtual Boy.
"She ain't a bit of alright of she's decapitated and covered in OT4's crap. Trust me."
Poe reminds Sus that Amelia's also probably longing to kiss him with her stumpy neck-hole. It was so lonely stuck in OceanicTrade4's lower intestine for all those long years, surely.
OT4 in a fit of omniscient insanity, convinces himself he is a sandwich, shrinks to the size of a pill, and jumps down Poe's throat. Poe excuses herself and heads to the restroom...about to be sick.
Three days later, Poe wanders back into the bar, humming. She kicks the first person she sees.
OceanicTrade4, having found his way out of the local sewer system and regaining his former size, enters the bar and throws a bottle of vodka at the replacement dartboard.
Virtual Boy, now completely enamored, resurrects Amelia Earhart back to her living self and buys her a drink. He goes back over to the repaired jukebox and soon the room is filled with strains of "Love My Way" by the Psychedelic Furs.
OT4 dances on the bar, in some sort of victory jig, declaring himself King of the Insane.
Poe, disputing the claim to insanity, insisting it rightfully belongs to her, flings a copy of Ethel the Aardvark Goes Quantity Surveying at the back of OceanicTrade4's head and kicks him soundly in the shins. Being then, suddenly, reminded of a good song, leaves the bar again, this time humming "New Slang."
OT4 bows, "Hence, I claim victory. Unless you want a rematch..." and seizes the Crown of Madness from himself, it having constituted from thin air, and barks with the sound of mad laughter.
Poe returns, shortly, with her intrepid spaniel, Stig, who proceeds to bite OT4's legs off. Whilst this carnage takes place, she snatches the crown and heads down the street to the hospital, where she has it permanently attached to her head.
Virtual Boy wonders at the name of Poe's dog. Stig? Really?
OceanicTrade4 feeds the dumb dog to a large mother hippo, then saws the crown off of Poe's head.
"It's MINE, I say! MINE MINE MINE MINE MINE MINE MINE mine mine mine ..." he chants, running out cramming the bloodied crown onto his own noggin.
Poe collapses onto the floor and dies, bleeding profusely. As her last act before shuffling off this mortal coil, she releases Undead Headless Poo-Smeared Amelia from the tube of her BackVac and sics her after OT4 to haunt him for the rest of her undead days.
Susurrare shakes his head with a low whistle. '
"'Tis a fate worse than death that lies before thee now, OT4."
Much, much later, MonkeyWooWoo enters the bar, smashes a bottle of Newcastle Brown on a table and sticks it in the barman's face.
"YEAH! Stitch THAT, Jimmy!"
He still hasn't noticed the corpse of Poe, rotting on the floor. Susurrare wanders back in, unsure of what is going on.
Virtual Boy, drawn in from the back room at the sound of Monkey's yelling, begins to shout himself:
"Have at ye, varmints!" and launches himself in the direction of both Monkey and Sus. Monkey is floored at once by VB's flying self, and wonders what the hell happened, before he starts crawling to the bar for a vodka refresher.
"I'll get this round in!" yells VB, as a match bell rings and someone shouts, "Fight!"
MonkeyWooWoo springs to his feet and adopts a south paw stance, then remembers he's no good at boxing and reaches for a pool cue.
"Bring it on!"
Virtual boy grabs a bunch of napkins, which he ties together with two forks to form a highly dangerous improvised nun-chuck.
"You have dishonoured my pint. Prepare to die, or at least get hit quite a bit, anyway. WHOOOAHAAHHAOOOOORRR!"
Monkey ducks the first swing of the napkin nun-chucks and swipes his pool cue at Virtual Boy's legs. VB forward-flips in slow motion to miss the swing and ends up on the other side of Monkey, who pokes the pool cue into the gap under the nearest barstool, flinging it headlong in his direction. Grabbing the stool from mid-air with his napkin nun-chucks, Virtual Boy twirls it around a bit and then breaks it in half with his right elbow while going, "WHWHAOAHHRRAHAOHRRHRHRRRRRHHOORRR!!!"
MonkeyWooWoo runs to the bar, wraps a rag around a bottle of whiskey, lights it, and hurls it back at VB.
Meanwhile, Poe is still decomposing, whilst the figure of Fibonacci saunters into the bar, wild west style, and fires his pistol into the air.
OT4, finally recovering from the bottle to the face, realizes he is forever doomed to be chased by Poo-Smeared Amelia and is driven further insane. He rocks back and forth in a corner murmuring something about being eaten by Poe.
Democratic Donkeys arouses his faculties and throws a chair into the corner currently being occupied by OceanicTrade4, whom, upon being hit by the chair, proceeds to hide under it with furtive glances. Fibonacci, elsewhere in the room, dives at the nearest patron and pummels them.
Monkey, finally noticing the festering corpse of Poe, wonders if anyone else has paid attention to the decomposition in the middle of the bar, and throws a chair at both DD and OT4.
"All right, alright, keep your 'airnet on!" OceanicTrade4 screams, whipping out some really strong, magical elixir to revive Poe, and welcomes her back, relenting the crown to her, but insisting she take a shower.
Virtual Boy flips over a table, calling out to all present, waking Monkey, who had fallen asleep during a foray into the cellar for some top-shelf items. "Woohoo, alcohol!" he calls.
"HAVE SOME MORE!" Democratic Donkeys offers, throwing a bottle of beer at WooWoo's face.
Monkey catches the lid in his mouth as it passes, pulling it off. (The lid, you pervs.) The bottle lands on a shelf and pours into a glass below. Congratulating himself for his prowess, MonkeyWooWoo insists that it just needs some ice, and then proceeds to return a pint glass back in the direction of Democratic Donkeys.
Agreeing with a nod that the drink in question DOES need ice, Virtual Boy flings the nearest ice bucket at the Monkey's head. It catches him full force in the face, breaking his nose and flattening him unconscious onto the floor. VB dances a small, somewhat restrained victory dance before calling an ambulance. Democratic Donkeys puts out a cigarette in one of Virtual Boy's eyes.
OT4 recovers enough to realize his best option is retreating to the nearest psych ward. But not before throwing himself one last time at the dartboard with high, crazy laughter.
Virtual Boy has a few drinks and settles down, looking at his watch wondering what is taking the ambulance so long. DD sneaks up behind him and bashes a chair into the back of VB's head. Rolling forward, and spinning around, Virtual Boy throws a chair back at Democratic Donkeys, who catches said chair and proceeds to beat Virtual Boy with it. Meanwhile, OT4 has gotten himself stuck in the dartboard.
A day or so later, MonkeyWooWoo wakes up in the hospital, but gets a taxi back to the bar. He somehow manages to extricate OT4 from the dartboard before chucking him into one of the bathroom stalls.
Virtual Boy, entering the bar yet again, sits down, accidentally spilling someone's pint.
Poe jumps up from her favorite barstool.
"Bugger! Now look here, chap! What's the matter with yeh, bunging pints around that aren't yer own? That's bollocks, that is!"
"Shurrup ya fanny!" Virtual Boy spits back, "I aren't have shite like that said to me! Buy us another pint of best or I'll full-on chin yer!" He wags a finger in Poe's face.
Monkey steps up from behind the bar.
"Easy mate, you can't talk to a girl like that!"
While Monkey is distracting Virtual Boy, Poe bites the latter's finger hard, before smacking him around.
OceanicTrade4, who has crawled out from the toilets, is bumped by Monkey as he stands, spilling the glass of Guinness.
"Oi!"
He socks MonkeyWooWoo in the back of the head. Recovering slightly, MonkeyWooWoo grabs a bottle of Budweiser and smashes it over OT4's skull.
"Have at you!" he shouts.
Retaliating, OceanicTrade4 smacks Monkey over the head with a barstool before tackling Mr. WooWoo over the bar. Monkey ends up in a heap on the floor with a rather nasty splinter hanging out of his head, and OT4 on top of him. He reaches for the flick-knife in his pocket, but it's just out of reach, so he headbutts OceanicTrade4 instead. OT4 tries to bash Monkey's head into the floor.
"Spill my drink, will you? EAT FLOOR TILE!" he screams.
With a somewhat broken nose, MonkeyWooWoo finally grasps his knife and after spitting out two teeth and a lot of blood, sticks it straight into OT4's arm.
Susurrare meanders into the bar, and walks straight up to the barman, ignorant of the brawling on the floor.
"I say, old bean, any chance of a glass of Pimms?"
A newcomer, El Sha'ladan, enters the bar just behind Susurrare, sees what's going on, and smiles. Bar fight. Violence. CHAOS... he walks up to Sus, grabs his shoulder, spins him around and slugs him square in the nose. The gentleman's nose explodes in a shower of blood.
"Gosh, old fellow," he blurts, "I seem to have gotten in the way of your fist. I'm dreadfully sorry. Could I possibly interest you in a glass of Pimms?"
As he says this, he quietly drops a concealed punch-dagger out of the pouch in his sleeve. Poe spins around on her stool and delivers a blow to El's jaw that flips him over the bar.
"That was uncalled for! You punched him for no earthly reason!"
"Why, thank you, madam," Susurrare purrs, replacing the punch-dagger, "My round, I believe."
"No worries," Poe shrugs, and chucks her empty bottle at the back of the bartender's head. "Oy! Barkeep! Pimms for the gen'l'man."
"And another bottle of what the lady was drinking. You'll find her first embedded in your cranium," Sus adds. The barkeeper collapses on top of MonkeyWooWoo, who exclaims with a hearty "Oi!" of his own and then taking a mouthful of whiskey, holds a lit match in front of it and spits it in both Poe and El's direction. Poe dodges the spurt of flame, pulling Susurrare with her, and asks him to excuse her momentarily. Jumping the bar, she kicks Mr. WooWoo in the head with her stiletto heel. He hits the floor with her stiletto hanging from his head. He pull s the shoe out and throws it back in her direction, crawling a way to tend to his numerous head wounds.
Poe puts her shoe back on and returns to the proper side of the bar with drinks in hand.
El Sha'ladan shakes his head slowly, regaining consciousness, and realizes he's on fire. He uses this discovery to his advantage, running around the bar hugging everyone he can see.
"Spread the love! SPREAD THE FLAMES!" he cries.
Poe, grabbing the shotgun off the wall once again, cocks it and aims it at El as he comes near.
"Come any closer to me while you're on fire, and I'll end your misery."
He stops and looks at Poe, his arms outstretched, a painful grin still on his face... he takes one step forward.
"C'mon, Poe, you don't want a hug?"
Another step.
"I'm OH so ... HOT."
One step.
"And I promise it'll WARM your heart..."
Step.
Poe puts the gun down and grabs a nearby seltzer, spraying it at El and quenching the fire.
"You can hug me now, if you'd like," she shrugs, "Or try to, anyway."
Looking nonplussed, El complains: "Well, now I'm ALL WASHED UP. I mean, really, I'm mad as a WET hen." He spins around once. "Do I look fat, I think I'm RETAINING WATER."
El Sha'ladan gives Poe a hug, then runs and dives behind the bar. Poe pounces over it and smacks El around the head for those horrid puns. He slaps her back in the face.
"You like those? I got more! Just give me a situation, I've got puns for all of them! HA!"
Poe knees him in the balls, gives him a couple of purple nerples and returns to her drink on the proper side of the counter. El lays on the ground, groaning, holding his nards and trying to think up puns for this situation.
Poe laughs heartily into her stein.
While he continues to lay crumpled, clutching alternately at his nuts and nipples, El Sha'ladan calls from the floor:
"You've got a heart of STONES! You're absolutely TWISTED! You're GROIN' down, now, y'hear!"
He manages a weak laugh, and then,
"Oh, my nips..."
Susurrare meanwhile has been assembling the pun-gun. In a moment, he takes aim, only to be interrupted.
"Chou want sam?! Chou want sam?!?!" Virtual boy nuts a doorframe. "Chou want sam?!"
El Sha'ladan is finally able to stand, muttering... "she kicks hard.." but then dives to avoid the pun-gun.
"And here, I thought that was cooks and soup!"
He overturns a table, hiding behind it and whimpering, still rubbing his sore nipples.
"Chou want sam, sanshoine?! A? Oarwhite?!" Virtual Boy nuts the table. "Chou fink Eure ard?!" He nuts himself.
El grabs a chair, pops up, and smashes it over VB's head.
"TAKE THAT, STANLEY!"
Poe laughs so hard she falls off her stool. VB is disoriented. "Wot? Ooh a u? He collapses with a whimper: "Ah'm a cock-er-ney sparrah..."
"BAHAHAHA!" Poe breaks a bottle over El's head, and kicks him in the nads again as he stares at the slumped over Virtual Boy. Mr. Sha'ladan is conscious just long enough to feel the intense pain of the second nut-shot of the day, before passing out cold beside VB.
"Chintz pies! Chintz pies at Christmas toime!" Virtual Boy shrieks, his leg twitching.
Susurrare steps over the two bodies and nips around behind the bar, "Now, who was drinking what, again?" he asks.
"I'll take a Dr. Pepper," Poe muses, "I could use a little caffeine."
Sus pours one in a tall glass over ice and passes it across the bar to Poe, handing her a straw. He also shoots El in the leg with the pun-gun, just to be safe.
"Thank you kindly, " Poe says. She nods to the two boys on the floor. "Do you think it would help if someone kissed them better? Should I call for Amelia?"
"Waugh!"
El is startled awake by the pun-gun.
"WAUGH!"
He is hit by the pain of the second nard-shot.
"WAAAAAUUUUGH!!!!"
He tries to make a pun, and can't! He passes out again from shock.
Poe moves to kiss him better and apologize. El Sha'ladan comes to just as Poe is leaning down and screams in horror, as he assumes that he's about to receive another nard-shot. His breath smells vaguely of mouthwash and peanut butter. Poe recoils, startled. El rolls away, but chooses the wrong direction and rolls up and over Virtual Boy, kneeing him in the groin as he does so (accidentally, of course,) and scrambles to his feet.
Assuming a cool Kung Fu pose, he looks wearily at Miss Poe.
She shakes her head slowly and apologizes, leaning in to kiss him on the cheek. Instead of attacking, El accepts the peck, and the apology, then turns to the barkeeper.
"Now, then, I'll have a lager."
"I think he'd like a bag of ice, too, " Poe muses. El winces.
"One big bag, and two smaller ones, actually. For the nips. And the nards."
With an evil grin, Poe replies, "Well, I'd kiss those better, but I'm not that kinda girl..."
Tutting, El gets the ice, turning his back as he shoves one bag in his pants with a yelp, and then dances around for a bit before going through the same wince and dance routine as he slips the two smaller bags under his shirt. He sits down gingerly, and then lets out a sigh.
"Now, where's my lager?"
"I ATE IT!" barks Virtual Boy, as he jumps up and nuts El Sha'ladan.
Wincing herself, Poe puts down the money for her Dr. Pepper and turns to leave.
"I'm glad you paid for that drink! I almost had to nut you, too!" Calls Virtual Boy.
"Heh. Sure thing..." Poe leaves a tip for VB as well, and heads out the door, looking over her shoulder with caution.
"Bye!" yells Virtual Boy.
As Poe leaves, Economic Determinists enters the bar, and orders a Bacardi and diet coke. (Only 60 calories!) and chugs it down. Ordering another one, ED proceeds to pour it over Virtual Boy's head.
"What? You looked hot, I was helping to cool you off!"
Suddenly, MonkeyWooWoo burst in the door with a fire hose.
"Someone say they were HOT?!"
He nails the whole room with the hose and runs back out. Virtual Boy grabs his hat and puts it on his head. Of course, it's full of water, so he gets even more drenched. He cries into the night:
"I'll get you Monkeyyyy... if it's the last thing I DOOOOO!"
Walking in and stepping up to the bar, Blackshear orders some sort of fruity drink with an umbrella and a licorice straw, scanning the room looking for talent.
Democratic Donkeys spies the new patron and, taking the mounted swordfish off the nearby mantle, stabs Blackshear with it multiple times. Virtual Boy cackles with laughter at this evil act, but cannot bring himself to stop it.
Poe wanders back in and orders a Shirley Temple. She proceeds to remove the maraschino cherries one at a time with her fingertips, pops them into her mouth, and removes each stem a moment later, tied into a small knot. She flicks said stems at the back of DD's head before resorting to spitting crushed ice through her straw at him as well. When he turns to look in her direction, she feigns innocence and turns away.
"I can do that with cherry stems too," Democratic Donkeys claims, "Takes a little bit, but I can. I have a talented tongue, I suppose... INNNUENDO."
"I've been able to do it since third grade," Poe says, sticking out her tongue. "I can also unwrap starburst with my tongue. And if you refer to the Hidden Talent thread, you'll be able to see something ELSE I can do with my tongue as well."
"I saw that a long time ago. The image has still stuck with me, how odd," DD remembers, before finishing: "I can unwrap Starburst with my mouth as well. I'm still working on the origami part, though."
Poe whacks DD upside the head and then kicks him in the shins. Fibonacci whaps Poe in the head. Blackshear flies through the air toward Fib with a KAH-RAH-TAY CHOP! But Poe stops him cold using the Vulcan death-grip. But as she is not a true Vulcan, the effect merely stuns Blackshear for a moment before he retaliates with a Three Stooge-style eye poke. He is summarily noogied by the brief presence of 100 Donuts, who is reduced to tears by an atomic wedgie from Poe.
Democratic Donkeys drops an atomic bomb on the whole bar.
Somehow, completely out of the vicinity for the atomic bomb and resulting fallout, OceanicTrade4 returns, and with a "Kai yai yippy yippy yay!" dives into the fracas and gets his ass kicked. "Ow crap that hurt-OW-ouch jeeze ouch oowwww..." A barstool splinters.
"HY-YAHHHHH!!!"
Monte Ozarka jumps in as well with some awesome pool cue/makeshift quarterstaff action, before DD shoots her, a la Indiana Jones. Fibonacci, recovered from the blast, jumps at DD with a judo chop, and Democratic Donkeys catches it in the shoulder. DD falls over, wincing in pain.
"Wow, Fibonacci, I didn't know you could hit so hard, " 100 Donuts is slightly taken aback.
Fast-forward almost a year, when IndieGirl clambers in.
"A-HA! We DO have a pub! And THIS is where Headless Poo-Smeared Amelia was conceived!" She has made an astonishing discovery. Huma follows her inside.
"Whatever happened to OT4?" he asks, "I miss the guy..."
"This was the best place ever, how did we let it end up like this?" IG wonders. In keeping with the spirit of the trashed room, she bungs an empty beer glass at the back of Huma's head and pokes whoever else is there in the eyes with one of those little plastic sword toothpicks.
GoalVA jumps through the front window and rolls under a table, stopping quietly to peer around. He throws a skipping rope around IndieGirl's feet like a bolus. Having recovered from the blow, Huma smashes the table GoalVA was under.
Fortunately, the blow to the table actually broke Huma's hand, and taking advantage of this, GoalVA leaps up and drop-kicks Huma in the face. IndieGirl flings herself on top of the table in a vicious sort of war/tap dance, before chucking the broken table leg at Huma, then stops, having unearthed some sort of back-mounted vacuum from the nearest pile of rubble. She examines it, wondering if Amelia has kept quiet in there all this time.
A tap on the shoulder causes IG to turn, and Goal smacks her in the nose with the BackVac he has grabbed. She screams in pain, but is not distracted enough to miss grabbing it back from GoalVA and easily unleashing the undead Headless Poo-Smeared horror within. Headless Amelia advances on Goal, making odd sucking growly noises from her stumpy neck-hole.
"Amelia baby!" GoalVA cries, "You never call me anymore! I thought we had something special going..."
He grabs her and proceeds to kiss her, while stabbing IndieGirl with a rusty spoon.
Incensed, IndieGirl sucks Amelia back into the BackVac for use at a later date and then chucks the table leg at the back of Goal's head again, before kicking him back of the knees.
Goal is knocked to the floor, where he wets himself. While he is thus distracted, Huma has created a molotov cocktail. When the time is right, GoalVA and the BackVac both go up in flames.
Miraculously, GoalVA is saved by his urine-soaked clothes. Grabbing Huma by the shoulders, he throws him into IndieGirl and then jumps atop the two of them. IG swings her fists around, lucky she wore her spike-studded leather wristbands, and quickly extricates herself from the tangle of flailing limbs. She lets out a low, somewhat embarrassed whistle and murmurs, "I'll just leave you two alone, shall I?" and retreats behind the bar to find herself some rum.
Huma spits GoalVA in the eye with a nearby salad fork before leaping away. Goal pulls out a guitar and starts playing Kumbaya to lure people closer. IG chucks a handful of darts at Goal's guitar, impaling his hands in several places.
Despite his better judgment, Huma edges forward, morbidly curious as to why the fork doesn't seem to be bothering Goal. The trap sprung, GoalVA leaps up and smashes Huma in the face with the guitar, forgetting his hand is still stuck to it from deeply embedded darts.
IndieGirl yanks the fork out of Goal's eye, creeped out by the way it was moving as he looked around. She shoves the fork into Huma's eye instead to see how he likes it, and helps herself to a pint from the Guinness tap.
GoalVA passes out from lack of blood. Resourceful and quick on her feet, IG gives Goal a transfusion. But forgets to mention what was just transfused. Filled with lady-juices, GoalVA vomits mice into IndieGirl's hair as Huma staggers around blindly.
Suddenly, Honeysheep runs in and throws a chair at the blinded Huma, before pulling out the fork - with Huma's eye attached - and stuffs both into Goal's throat.
James2Spooky, the unnoticed observer in the corner, calls 9-1-1 and prepares to run.
IndieGirl flings a handful of flaming darts at Jimmy's ready-to-retreat backside and sics Headless Poo-Smeared Amelia at him. She cackles maniacally, a cross between Jabba the Hutt's laugh and Jean Luc PIcard's.
Sydia steps in, sees the chaos, and jumps back out through a window. Goal notes the long-haired girly man jumping out the window of the bar and follows him into a dark alley, where he stabs him with a small nectarine.
Spying the pile of bodies outside the window, James2Spooky jumps out and lands on them. IG has chased both Goal and Syd out of the bar in order to mug Goal, so she can steal and patent his small nectarine. They'll never detect THOSE at airport security!
Bloodied and beaten, lying on the ground, GoalVA uses his amazing powers to call down a flock of starlings. The mighty swarm of birds fly at IndieGirl and eat her shoelaces.
A passing gentlemanly figure in a trenchcoat, looks across the street at the scene. "Oh my god," he murmurs to himself, "The bar fights... wow, this place brings back memories. Ah, is that Headless Poo-Smeared Amelia I spy inside? I think she may have made an appearance elsewhere... but I can't remember now..."
He shakes his head, and is gone.
A glass thrown by James2Spooky lands at the place the man was standing on the street. IndieGirl, who is actually Poe in disguise, having seen the brief glance of Susurarre's familiar face, cries out.
"Noooooo! Come baaaaack!"
She bursts into tears, and then breaks several beer bottles over everyone's heads. James2Spooky tries to break a bottle and accidentally hurts himself, then scrambles around yelping from the pain. Fulhead Land walks in and grabs a pool cue to bash Jimmy over the head with.
A confused Baribeau sticks his head in for a moment. "Wait a minute, I'm confused... is IG Poe?!" He smacks himself over the head with a bottle of Olde English. Fulhead Land admits he is just as confused. In his confusion, he slips on the spilled Olde English and collapses.
Standing up, James2Spooky is dubious. "I'm not too sure... probably after she made me doubt about it. I think she is just pretending as Poe and using her name... I can see the difference between them. Excuse me if you really are the same person."
Dramatic music plays. Sydia slinks into the shadows of the bar, a cloud of smoke soon accumulates around his head. IndieGirl approaches him.
"You draw far too much attention to yourself, MR. UNDERHILL."
Jimmy stabs Sydia from behind the bar. (What?)
Still wielding the pool cue, Fulhead hits all three of them. James recuperates by drinking a few glasses of beer. Sydia smashes a bottle on the bar and thrust it into Jimbo's face, before lifting the bloodied body and hurling him out the window in a rather implausible way.
James2Spooky becomes a zombie, rising again and again and again and...
"Cut that out!" yells Syd, "Somebody get a chainsaw!"
GoalVA wanders back into the bar with a lead pipe.
"Haha! Did you miss me, bitches?!" he cries, and jumps into the fray.
Honeysheep steps clear of the shadows with a chainsaw. She saws the pipe in half, then saws James in half, and then throws the saw at Sydia, but misses and it cuts his legs off.
James is stopped only momentarily. His halves wriggling toward her. Fulhead throws the pool cue at him before jumping at Syd. Rolling out from beneath a pile of bodies, GoalVA leaps at Fulhead and brings him to the floor. Honeysheep dies in a tragic attempt to jump out the window.
Grappling with GoalVA, Fulhead smashes his own head into a table.
IndieGirl douses the entire room in gasoline and flicks a smouldering cigarette butt into the bar through the broken window as soon as she's exited the building.
Darth Mathius stands in the doorway, an ominous presence. He looks around, lighting his cigar from the flames of IG's little fire. He lowers his hood and grabs IndieGirl's arm, pulling her back into the midst of the scene.
With a deft leap, Fulhead Land grabs onto a still-hanging chandelier and lands on Darth Mathius before he begins to pepper his face with a series of rapid punches. IndieGirl slips in with a menu and gives Darth Mathius a papercut in the eye. Fulhead swings around and flying kicks IndieGirl as she tries to move away.
Darth Mathius lets his cigar drop to the ground with a loud yelp as he clutches at his eyeball. He pushes IG full on into Fulhead's flying kick.
Blackshear, having returned to the scene, smashes a tray of dirty beer glasses on the ground before shoving Darth Mathius face-first into the wreckage. Fulhead smashes a wine bottle over Blackshear's head.
Shaking the glass out of his hair, Blackshear elbows Fulhead in the chops without taking a look back. Fulhead stands up, dusts himself off, and orders a pint. Finally, pulling his hood back over his head, Darth Mathius orders a pint for the whole crowd, while still trying to extricate bits of wreckage from his face.
IndieGirl sits down at the piano and does a rousing Billy Joel rendition.
"Bwahaha," she cackles, "If that's not torture, I don't know what is!"
Blackshear joins her in a shout-rap version of Uptown Girl, and they both soak up the adulation of an adoring public. Byardkuria sneaks up and starts the fire... in Blackshear's toupee.
Fulhead pounces on Byard with another judo chop. Shoeless Joe enters and brands his own initials on Fulhead's backside, causing Fulhead to fly around in pain with a roundhouse kick to Shoeless's face.
IndieGirl puts a full stop to it by shattering a brand new bottle of Bacardi over Fullhead's... head.
Another newcomer, Babit, walks into the pub, hoping for a quiet pint, and sees the fight. He turns to walk out and is hit over the head with a flying barstool.
"YO! I was LEAVING!" he hollers, grabbing the midget (who's been there the whole time) and throwing him through the window.
Sydia breaks a chair... over another chair. And then realizes the futility.
Democratic Donkeys returns and kills everyone, but then Flemingovia pops in to taunt him:
"Yeah? Yeah? You could not hit a camel's backside with a really, really big stick! Missed me, missed me, now you have to... maybe not."
From a distant location, Defaultia nukes the bar. This is the second time the location has gone nuclear. Somehow it is still standing, leaving a room for Romanoffia to enter and fire his '72 Colt .45 Peacemaker into the ceiling before saying, in his best Wyatt imitation, "I'll shoot the first person I see without a drink in his hand."
Never one to ignore the command of someone backed up with a loaded gun, Namyeknom slinks across to the indestructible bar (putting the boot into the various wounded along the way) and gets a drink, remembering, of course, to put his drink on Romanoffia's tab.
IndieGirl sneaks in, back from the recently dead, to flick toothpicks at the back of Flemingovia's head while he's not paying attention.
And then, much, much later, Poe is seen walking quietly out the nearly unhinged door of the dark, mostly-demolished, windowpane-less, boarded-up and abandoned building. She hangs a large "CONDEMNED" sign on the front of the door, and carefully bolts it shut, sliding a heavy key ring into her pocket.
The only sound on the street is the jangling of keys with each step as she fades slowly out of sight.