The North Pacific Inquisition.

FL: Trouble in the region.
Polstamaa: Oh no - what kind of trouble!?
FL: One on't cross beams gone owt askew on treadle.
Polts: Pardon!?
FL: One on't cross beams gone owt askew on treadle.
Polst: I don't understand what you're saying!!
FL: [slightly irritatedly and with exaggeratedly clear accent] One of the cross beams has gone out askew on the treadle.
P: Well what on earth does that mean!?
Chapman: *I* don't know - Josh just told me to come in here and say that there was trouble at the mill, that's all - I didn't expect a kind of North Pacific Inquisition.

[JARRING CHORD]


[The door flies open and Flemingovia enters, flanked by two junior cardinals. Byadkuria has goggles pushed over his forehead.]

Flem: NOBODY expects the North Pacific Inquisition! Our chief weapon is surprise...surprise and fear...fear and surprise.... Our two weapons are fear and surprise...and ruthless efficiency.... Our *three* weapons are fear, surprise, and ruthless efficiency...and an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope.... Our *four*...no... *Amongst* our weapons.... Amongst our weaponry...are such elements as fear, surprise.... I'll come in again.

[The Inquisition exits]

FL: I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition.

[JARRING CHORD]


[The cardinals burst in]

Flem: NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition! Amongst our weaponry are such diverse elements as: fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope, and nice red uniforms - Oh damn!
[To Byardkuria] I can't say it - you'll have to say it.
Byard: What?
Flem: You'll have to say the bit about 'Our chief weapons are ...'
Byard: [rather horrified]: I couldn't do that...

[Flem bundles the cardinals outside again]

FL: I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition.

[JARRING CHORD]

[The cardinals enter]

Byard: Er.... Nobody...um....
Flem: Expects...
Byard: Expects... Nobody expects the...um...the Spanish...um...
Flem: Inquisition.
Byard: I know, I know! Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition. In fact, those who do expect -
Flem: Our chief weapons are...
Byard: Our chief weapons are...um...er...
Flem: Surprise...
Byard: Surprise and --
Flem: Okay, stop. Stop. Stop there - stop there. Stop. Phew! Ah! ... our chief weapons are surprise...blah blah blah. Cardinal, read the charges.
Random guy of whom I can't find: You are hereby charged that you did on diverse dates commit heresy against the Holy Church. 'My old man said follow the--'
Flem: That's enough.
[To FL] Now, how do you plead?
FL: We're innocent.
Flem: Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

[DIABOLICAL LAUGHTER]

Flem: We'll soon change your mind about that!

[DIABOLICAL ACTING]

I couldn't figure the other part, so... yeah...
 
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