Indie's Inanities
- Thread starter IndieGirl
- Start date
Cakatoa
TNPer
Oh god, somebody mentioned Skyrim....
Dragons. Dragons. Dragons. Dragons. Dragons. Dragons. Dragons. Dragons.
Finally.
I'm looking forward to it, although I fully expect it to be buggy as hell and my computer to be inadequate for it. So I'll once again wait a while for the GOTY edition. Hopefully this time they'll have some official addons that I can actually download and more than a handful of voice actors. I admit, having Picard, Zod, Wonder woman and Boromir in Oblivion was impressive, and the fact they've netted Emperor Ming is awesome, but please, please have more. Hire Billy west or something, just have better variety please. Or have Clancy Brown as the bad guy. I totally thought of him when I saw 'Krogan' earlier and misread it slightly. (I don't play Mass Effect)
Even if he isn't in it, I will make a Kurgan like character that'll be evil, and hopefully find some suitably bone-like armour. I'm holding out hope for an option where you can join the dragons instead of kill them, but I doubt it.
Dragons. Dragons. Dragons. Dragons. Dragons. Dragons. Dragons. Dragons.
Finally.
I'm looking forward to it, although I fully expect it to be buggy as hell and my computer to be inadequate for it. So I'll once again wait a while for the GOTY edition. Hopefully this time they'll have some official addons that I can actually download and more than a handful of voice actors. I admit, having Picard, Zod, Wonder woman and Boromir in Oblivion was impressive, and the fact they've netted Emperor Ming is awesome, but please, please have more. Hire Billy west or something, just have better variety please. Or have Clancy Brown as the bad guy. I totally thought of him when I saw 'Krogan' earlier and misread it slightly. (I don't play Mass Effect)
Even if he isn't in it, I will make a Kurgan like character that'll be evil, and hopefully find some suitably bone-like armour. I'm holding out hope for an option where you can join the dragons instead of kill them, but I doubt it.
Apparently I need to check this Skyrim out, since it comes with such high praise from people I trust...
Bloggy bit for today:
ch-ch-changes
It is 20 degrees here today, and I am freeeezing. At least I don't work outside. It could be worse. I could be the UPS guy. I feel bad for him when the weather is sucky.
Reconnecting with old friends this week, it has been far too long, and I forgot how much I loved these people. It's nice to be back in communicado, to find out what they've been up to the last few years. I feel like such a different person since the last time I spoke to them, so much has changed, but plenty enough has stayed the same, I suppose.
I definitely listen to better music now. And I'm far more comfortable in my own skin than I was at 19 and 20. I may not have a degree or a husband or a house or kids, but that self...acceptance is a big change and is worth more to me right now than any of those things.
It's so fascinating to me, the circumstances and cycles that life and experience move in. How, in some strange providential or cosmic ruling of chance you can feel completely alone and cutoff and life hands you or pulls you to the things you need in a desperate moment to keep your head above water... you get nudged just over the top of the hill when you didn't think you'd ever see past that obstacle right in front of you.
Still, I wish there had been more adventure, more assertion and boldness and daring, in all the meantime. I wish I had better things to show for all that's elapsed than just... me. Oh, I am still as flawed and stubborn and hopeless as ever, but today is tinted in optimism and there is a smile on my face.
I have accepted myself, that was a good lesson to learn. Now I just need to accept that I have control.
[flash=250,200]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Foad9fP-hHY[/flash]
IGEdit: Leaky linkage.
Bloggy bit for today:
ch-ch-changes
It is 20 degrees here today, and I am freeeezing. At least I don't work outside. It could be worse. I could be the UPS guy. I feel bad for him when the weather is sucky.
Reconnecting with old friends this week, it has been far too long, and I forgot how much I loved these people. It's nice to be back in communicado, to find out what they've been up to the last few years. I feel like such a different person since the last time I spoke to them, so much has changed, but plenty enough has stayed the same, I suppose.
I definitely listen to better music now. And I'm far more comfortable in my own skin than I was at 19 and 20. I may not have a degree or a husband or a house or kids, but that self...acceptance is a big change and is worth more to me right now than any of those things.
It's so fascinating to me, the circumstances and cycles that life and experience move in. How, in some strange providential or cosmic ruling of chance you can feel completely alone and cutoff and life hands you or pulls you to the things you need in a desperate moment to keep your head above water... you get nudged just over the top of the hill when you didn't think you'd ever see past that obstacle right in front of you.
Still, I wish there had been more adventure, more assertion and boldness and daring, in all the meantime. I wish I had better things to show for all that's elapsed than just... me. Oh, I am still as flawed and stubborn and hopeless as ever, but today is tinted in optimism and there is a smile on my face.
I have accepted myself, that was a good lesson to learn. Now I just need to accept that I have control.
[flash=250,200]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Foad9fP-hHY[/flash]
IGEdit: Leaky linkage.
i made a new year's resolution (well, i made a few of them, actually) that i would write for at least an hour a day. i've been really good at keeping up with it. i toyed with the idea, at first, that i would post every hour+ of writing on my blogger blog, but sometimes i write things that, i dunno, i don't want to share because they're too personal, or too new, or too dark or too painful or too inclined to have people worry about me unnecessarily, so i haven't done that. but i do post there pretty regularly, when i feel like i have anything to say that's not gonna get me in trouble or, i dunno, frighten some future employer.
it's been a long work week, and it's only wednesday. (well, thursday morning, if you want to get technical.) i've been having a hard time sleeping lately (lately... the last three months? that's lately, right?) and this week especially. it's hard to deal with because my day job is so physically exhausting, but i get to bed and it's like i didn't get to use my brain enough during the day, so i can't shut my head down enough to sleep. guess it's pretty standard insomnia. and when i do sleep, i have strange dreams, so i almost want to avoid it. anyway... that's my current state of mind, since it's 2:20 AM and i'm here typing this.
guess what i did? i went back and read through the whole old kissing booth thread on the s2. oh man, i was cracking up and trying not to be sick and going bug-eyed and rolling my eyes and crying... i ached for that me, i felt so bad for her! she was so silly. well-meaning, but silly and clueless. i was a little embarrassed for her, even. like, i'm sorry you guys ever had to read that slop, oh my god. (though there were bits that weren't too bad. if we ever took up romance novels, we might give danielle steel a run for her money.) i'm kind of glad it was there, though, to localize the plague of pent-up hormones, quarantine it, if you will. i admit, it was quite the page turner, though. i guess it was back in its heyday, too, right? ha.
it just fascinated me. there was this morbid curiosity or something that made me start my digging in that thread. all those old threads, that whole forum, fascinates me. i want to always have it there to go back to. just so there's some magic that will always make me feel 20 again, no matter what happens, because that's what it does. god, i go back and i am right back there, down in my little room, on my little shitty piecemeal, home-built computer from my dad's spare parts, that was given to me for the sole purpose of doing my college homework. (oh, college, that's another night - week's - 's writing entirely.)
college was scaring the shit out of me, honestly. i was this new art major at this big ass mormon university... suddenly in classes where - shock and horror - i wasn't the best artist. i was so used to that, that was my schtick all growing up - from 4 to 19, those years things really matter - i'd built myself around everyone else's perceptions and expectations of me as "the artist." i majored in it because everyone told me i was crazy not to... not because i really wanted it. no wonder i quit. i couldn't handle having my whole paradigm of self as valuable to the world completely shattered realizing i wasn't as special as i'd always thought i was - in that way, at least.
i buried myself there, you know. on the s2. i crawled into those lines, those millions of words, those stupid emoticons, and wrapped them around me. i wanted somewhere safe to figure out who i was. to be worth something again. and it was safe. it wasn't a bunch of crazy mormon neighbors. it was a bit of everything from bits of everywhere, and i didn't get judged, i didn't get a giant scarlet A pinned to me. i just got to... be. and i took that an ran. i just was... all over that place.
i go back and read those forums and, fuck, it raises so many me's from the dead. all those old ghosts... i read the melodrama i bled into the walls of that place, and the stupid jokes, the antics, the... everything... and i see in those things, not just the surface words, but i see that twenty year-old chels, so scared and hurting behind it all. just wanting friends and something to make her feel worthwhile and not sure what to do or how to get it, so she tried some of everything. i really did, i carved myself open over those months, years, even and bled all over it. exorcised the confusion and the loneliness and buried it in-between those lines.
i fell in love, with the acceptance, the friendship, the warmth. the unfathomable closeness that we all somehow knit, meshed together, into this giant hammock we could just stop and be in. i fell in love hard with all of you, with the idea of you. with the idea of that place. with individuals. fell into love that i didn't know what to do with once i realized i was there, because it had never happened that way before. oh, for all the smooth talk, i was floundering. it's so painfully obvious, going back and reading it, that it makes me laugh until i'm crying and vice versa every time i do go back.
i go back so often, in the bumps and stumbles of life, when i get thrown some unexpected curveball and strike out on what was surely going to be my home run swing. i come back, here, to retrace steps. to learn something new. to find the wisdom of self-discovery that is still tucked in all those - all these - lines. oh, it's cheesy and silly and doesn't make sense to lots of people. but when i'm hurting and vulnerable, i feel pulled back to you. i crave the comfort of your acceptance and forgiveness and friendship and forgetting. it's a home to me, a little hidey-hole that i can escape to no matter where i am, to get my bearings, to reset.
to remind myself that every life, even one like mine, so full of mistakes and stumbles and silliness, is worth something - to someone - somewhere - somehow. and there is strength in that, momentum in it, warmth, that shouldn't be so easily discounted. so simply swept aside.
i just know that, more often than not, i find myself back here... finding myself. and it gives me those sparks and nudges to keep going that, perhaps and regardless of how sad it sounds, i don't get anywhere else.
i like finding myself here. it was like my first love. in more ways than even i will probably ever know.
it's been a long work week, and it's only wednesday. (well, thursday morning, if you want to get technical.) i've been having a hard time sleeping lately (lately... the last three months? that's lately, right?) and this week especially. it's hard to deal with because my day job is so physically exhausting, but i get to bed and it's like i didn't get to use my brain enough during the day, so i can't shut my head down enough to sleep. guess it's pretty standard insomnia. and when i do sleep, i have strange dreams, so i almost want to avoid it. anyway... that's my current state of mind, since it's 2:20 AM and i'm here typing this.
guess what i did? i went back and read through the whole old kissing booth thread on the s2. oh man, i was cracking up and trying not to be sick and going bug-eyed and rolling my eyes and crying... i ached for that me, i felt so bad for her! she was so silly. well-meaning, but silly and clueless. i was a little embarrassed for her, even. like, i'm sorry you guys ever had to read that slop, oh my god. (though there were bits that weren't too bad. if we ever took up romance novels, we might give danielle steel a run for her money.) i'm kind of glad it was there, though, to localize the plague of pent-up hormones, quarantine it, if you will. i admit, it was quite the page turner, though. i guess it was back in its heyday, too, right? ha.
it just fascinated me. there was this morbid curiosity or something that made me start my digging in that thread. all those old threads, that whole forum, fascinates me. i want to always have it there to go back to. just so there's some magic that will always make me feel 20 again, no matter what happens, because that's what it does. god, i go back and i am right back there, down in my little room, on my little shitty piecemeal, home-built computer from my dad's spare parts, that was given to me for the sole purpose of doing my college homework. (oh, college, that's another night - week's - 's writing entirely.)
college was scaring the shit out of me, honestly. i was this new art major at this big ass mormon university... suddenly in classes where - shock and horror - i wasn't the best artist. i was so used to that, that was my schtick all growing up - from 4 to 19, those years things really matter - i'd built myself around everyone else's perceptions and expectations of me as "the artist." i majored in it because everyone told me i was crazy not to... not because i really wanted it. no wonder i quit. i couldn't handle having my whole paradigm of self as valuable to the world completely shattered realizing i wasn't as special as i'd always thought i was - in that way, at least.
i buried myself there, you know. on the s2. i crawled into those lines, those millions of words, those stupid emoticons, and wrapped them around me. i wanted somewhere safe to figure out who i was. to be worth something again. and it was safe. it wasn't a bunch of crazy mormon neighbors. it was a bit of everything from bits of everywhere, and i didn't get judged, i didn't get a giant scarlet A pinned to me. i just got to... be. and i took that an ran. i just was... all over that place.
i go back and read those forums and, fuck, it raises so many me's from the dead. all those old ghosts... i read the melodrama i bled into the walls of that place, and the stupid jokes, the antics, the... everything... and i see in those things, not just the surface words, but i see that twenty year-old chels, so scared and hurting behind it all. just wanting friends and something to make her feel worthwhile and not sure what to do or how to get it, so she tried some of everything. i really did, i carved myself open over those months, years, even and bled all over it. exorcised the confusion and the loneliness and buried it in-between those lines.
i fell in love, with the acceptance, the friendship, the warmth. the unfathomable closeness that we all somehow knit, meshed together, into this giant hammock we could just stop and be in. i fell in love hard with all of you, with the idea of you. with the idea of that place. with individuals. fell into love that i didn't know what to do with once i realized i was there, because it had never happened that way before. oh, for all the smooth talk, i was floundering. it's so painfully obvious, going back and reading it, that it makes me laugh until i'm crying and vice versa every time i do go back.
i go back so often, in the bumps and stumbles of life, when i get thrown some unexpected curveball and strike out on what was surely going to be my home run swing. i come back, here, to retrace steps. to learn something new. to find the wisdom of self-discovery that is still tucked in all those - all these - lines. oh, it's cheesy and silly and doesn't make sense to lots of people. but when i'm hurting and vulnerable, i feel pulled back to you. i crave the comfort of your acceptance and forgiveness and friendship and forgetting. it's a home to me, a little hidey-hole that i can escape to no matter where i am, to get my bearings, to reset.
to remind myself that every life, even one like mine, so full of mistakes and stumbles and silliness, is worth something - to someone - somewhere - somehow. and there is strength in that, momentum in it, warmth, that shouldn't be so easily discounted. so simply swept aside.
i just know that, more often than not, i find myself back here... finding myself. and it gives me those sparks and nudges to keep going that, perhaps and regardless of how sad it sounds, i don't get anywhere else.
i like finding myself here. it was like my first love. in more ways than even i will probably ever know.
Honeysheep
TNPer
Thanks Tnp, you got so many of us through our adolesence 
Honeysheep
TNPer
I cant make the old forum work!
King Durk the Awesome
TNPer
Even though I was in the Pacific at the time I miss s2. Lots of crazy/insane people back then...
Grosseschnauzer
TNPer
gees, IndieGirl, I really don't know what to say.
I'm glad you were able to how such surgery, and I hope everything works out just fine. It'll be a lot of work, and just to think not to many years ago, it would not have been possible. Remind me not to bet against you in the Powerball Lottery!
I'm glad you were able to how such surgery, and I hope everything works out just fine. It'll be a lot of work, and just to think not to many years ago, it would not have been possible. Remind me not to bet against you in the Powerball Lottery!
I should have given an update instead of posted that last one and left y'all hanging! I am doing well. I work as an office manager / legal assistant at a law office now. My cancer is all gone, and I have a bionic zombie arm with an impressively badass scar to show off to people.
Been busy with work and local friends and lots of little art projects and comic projects and doing all that life stuff that happens when you decide yes, maybe, you are actually a grown-up - legally, at least - and that you should be doing things with your time besides video games. Though I do spend far too much energy on Twitter lately, because it's such a good place to network with other artists, especially in the comics industry. In a way, it reminds me of the old IRC chats we had back on the s2. Someone's always on having a conversation that you can jump in and out of and go read when you have time. So twitter's handy that way. But it's also hard for someone who likes to ramble (ha! I don't know anyone like that) to really get that necessary depth of interaction with people. (Okay, I'm not saying that the OOC necessarily gives you depth, but work with me here.)
Anyway, it's a slow day at work, and will be slow for a few months, as it always seems to be during the summer, and while I was sitting here answering phones and being bored of everything else on the internet, I remembered this place, and immediately felt like running back and hugging you all because I missed you. I'm sure lots of old faces are no longer around, but the location is familiar, and I've always found at least a few friends hiding in the corners - as well as making new ones!
I guess I just wanted to come back and say hi and find a little online vacation spot to de-stress during the workday. How have you been, m'dears? Fill me in for realsies. I missed reading you super much.
Been busy with work and local friends and lots of little art projects and comic projects and doing all that life stuff that happens when you decide yes, maybe, you are actually a grown-up - legally, at least - and that you should be doing things with your time besides video games. Though I do spend far too much energy on Twitter lately, because it's such a good place to network with other artists, especially in the comics industry. In a way, it reminds me of the old IRC chats we had back on the s2. Someone's always on having a conversation that you can jump in and out of and go read when you have time. So twitter's handy that way. But it's also hard for someone who likes to ramble (ha! I don't know anyone like that) to really get that necessary depth of interaction with people. (Okay, I'm not saying that the OOC necessarily gives you depth, but work with me here.)
Anyway, it's a slow day at work, and will be slow for a few months, as it always seems to be during the summer, and while I was sitting here answering phones and being bored of everything else on the internet, I remembered this place, and immediately felt like running back and hugging you all because I missed you. I'm sure lots of old faces are no longer around, but the location is familiar, and I've always found at least a few friends hiding in the corners - as well as making new ones!
I guess I just wanted to come back and say hi and find a little online vacation spot to de-stress during the workday. How have you been, m'dears? Fill me in for realsies. I missed reading you super much.
Guys, I have spent so much time today reminiscing over on Ol' Blue. And I found this bitty that I posted a couple years back, on a previous revisit, and I wanted to share it. For the other old-timers, like me, who still come around...
Ah, nostalgia's a cruel mistress, I guess. Anyway, you're all awesome. Oh, and I did find out what happened to Virtual Boy...for those of you who were wondering. He's married now!
He & his li'l wifey are super cute together, and he works at a comics/nerd review site/shop.
Poe:
Ah, nostalgia's a cruel mistress, I guess. Anyway, you're all awesome. Oh, and I did find out what happened to Virtual Boy...for those of you who were wondering. He's married now!
He & his li'l wifey are super cute together, and he works at a comics/nerd review site/shop.
- TNP Nation
- McMasterdonia
DD was saying earlier that he had hoped that you, Sydia and Virtual Boy would return. Maybe you could make his dream come true 
I just realized that link goes to the front page of my blogspot blog. If you want to read about my fun bout with bone cancer in my left proximal humerus, you can read these posts from Jan of 2012.IndieGirl:
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Honeysheep
TNPer
We found Vb. It's wierd, as IG was saying: there were a handful of us that meant something. Which is why, years later, Ig and I went on a massive internet stalker hunt for vb. And won!
Honeysheep
TNPer
Really? think he'd mind if you pmed me his email?
Who else can we stalk?
Who else can we stalk?