- Pronouns
- He/him
- TNP Nation
- Francois Isidore
- Discord
- themacmilitant
This post is exactly what the title of this thread makes it sound like. It's me venting, it's me sharing my thoughts, and it's me shouting at the clouds. If you're not interested in that then that's cool. Click off this post and have a great rest of your day. For those of you who are curious, however, here's what I have to say:
I was going to make a lengthier post but I'd really rather not. The bottom line is that I can’t continue to care about things that, up until now, I really thought mattered. Whenever it seems like everybody around me doesn’t care about those same things or doesn’t see the importance of them, I begin to feel like anything I do at this point would just be enabling that prevailing attitude. In years past, that isn’t what I knew our region to be. It’s disappointing to me that, in modern times, we seem to not only be accepting of these types of attitudes; but we celebrate them as if that’s how things were all along. Maybe that’s just me. Maybe that’s just how I’m feeling right now, and maybe all of you who are reading this post don’t even think that I’m justified in feeling that way. But that doesn’t really matter to me, because all I can ever offer anyone is my honesty.
You might think that I have ulterior motives for everything that I do or that I just want to see everyone who isn’t me fail. You’re free to believe that. Really, it’s not like I can stop you. If anything, I’d be the first one to tell you about how I refuse to try and put effort into changing anyone’s mind whenever I believe that they’re already firmly committed to their convictions about me, or the way things are. It simply isn’t worth it to do that, and I’m sorry if you feel like that’s lazy of me, but that’s just the truth of how I feel. You can take it, you can leave it. Hell, you can even make fun of it.
(You probably will, or, at least, that's what I'm expecting to come of this anyway)
I guess that the point of this post is for me to be able to talk to anyone who it might concern about why I've taken on the outlook that I have. I'm not sure if vocalizing these things will make me feel any better, but at least the forums provide for a more structured venue to get things out in the open than the pacing of real-time back-and-forths on Discord do. The truth is that there's a lot of people in this region who I genuinely do like, think highly of, and who I think will succeed and/or continue to succeed. By the same token, there's also a handful of people who I'm not really a fan of and who I know that feeling of dislike is mutual with. That comes with the territory in any community, let alone one as large as this. I don't need nor want everyone to like me and for us to always get along. But I do think that our squabbles amongst one another on a week-to-week basis will inevitably contribute to our lack of success in other areas.
In my observations, there isn't one person to blame for it all. It's something that we're all guilty of more or less (including me, perhaps especially so), so it's something that will be our own fault if and when it comes down to it. Maybe we're not so different from others across the site. Maybe our internal arguments aren't so special and I'm just unable to see that because I haven't taken a step beyond the shores of the North for quite a while now. But, after any extended period of time, it starts to take a toll on you. As much as I wish it weren't the case, I'm not immune from that. I'm not going to act like recent events haven't had any impact on how I feel about things around here. To do that would, in my view, be disingenuous. But as others have already said and will probably continue to say, the current state of affairs isn't a byproduct of merely the last few weeks or months. It's something that's happened, sometimes more slowly than at other times, term after term.
If you won't listen to me then I advise that you listen to people who aren't me who've said the same. Because our region's success (or failure) in this ongoing war, or in any other area of importance as it relates to NatiionStates, depends on us; and that includes you. (<< the person reading this!) I look at our adversaries and I see players who are more united and more committed to the goals of their region(s). You don't have to like the idea of giving them credit for anything and you definitely don't have to like that I'm the one saying it. But there's a reason why Kasch preached unity in his outgoing address as Delegate this past month, and it would be plain ignorant for us to act our lack of unity and our animosity towards one another isn't an issue or that it's one that's completely unrelated to the war effort.
I can't single-handedly solve that issue. None of us can. Not by ourselves, anyway, and not by waiting for someone else to come along and do it for us. I'll admit that, just by talking about it and labeling it as a problem, I'm not doing anything to fix it (nor have I really tried to). Maybe it's not a problem for the rest of you. Maybe this isn't something that you feel and you're unable to relate or understand because of that. Personally, I struggle with having the desire to even want to do anything at all both in-game and IRL. (I'm not perfect. That's just who I am. Deal with it.)
But I'm just so tired of people always having an opinion on something whenever I say and/or do x thing whenever others, in the past and in the present, do similar things and aren't met with nearly the same criticisms. It's hard to feel like I'm on the same team as the rest of you or that I'm obligated to remain loyal to the region whenever it feels like people would rather me leave, and whem they say that they can't/don't take me seriously, and they show me that they clearly don't respect what I've done even at the cost of my own time, effort, and often, inconvenience. Genuinely, that was one of the best parts of serving in Kasch's administration for the last eight months. For the first time in as long as I can remember, I felt like the people of this region were willing to embrace me and like what I was doing both mattered and was appreciated. But, of course, everything must come to an end eventually and that feeling was no exception.
I'm overgeneralizing, sure, and I don't mean to point the finger and say to everyone that it's your fault that I feel this way. But I can't help but feel like people are only accepting of me whenever I'm offering something in the form of either public service or assistance with ministry tasks. Whenever I cease offering that, as I have since 11 May, all bets are off and what I say doesn't matter and I'm just "salty" and too harsh. Those are the kinds of feelings and talking points that I feel are being directed at me, both right now and that have been in the past. It's no wonder that, whenever I do speak on these things and how I feel about what's being said, it comes off as an outburst. Because unless you know me or are friends with me OOC, you probably have no idea about me and what I'm feeling when you're actually talking about things like my motives, what I do, what I don't do, etc.
To conclude, I don't expect that this post will matter at all. If you've read this far and believe that your time was wasted or could've been spent better elsewhere had you not done so, then I invite you to leave your complaints in my DMs where I'm sure they'll be taken very seriously. Really, I made this post for me. Think of it like you would a blog or a diary entry or something like that. I don't enjoy having to speak about these things but hey, like I said above, maybe I'll feel better after getting it all off my chest. Really, I think we have way bigger problems than just Simone's delegacy or members of the government piling on people who ask questions becuase they don't like how those questions were asked.
Anyway, I don't know what else to say. Do something or do nothing with this information. Again, I'm just being honest and calling it how I see/feel it.
~ Robes
(Note: Me saying this does not serve as an excuse for what I do or how I do it IC. The only reason I'm even including this bit of information is to help frame everything that I'm about to say within the context of who I am as a person OOC. In this post, I'm committed to honesty. Hopefully me sharing a bit about myself to get things started will better assure you of that.)
In real life, I struggle with a number of different mental illnesses. I'm not adverse to talking about topics that others might consider to be more personal because, well, whether you or me like it or not, it's a part of who I am and the RL me is bound to seep over into the IC version of me at some point. Some of you might already know because I've talked about it before, and some of you have probably been able to infer as much because of how I react to things and conduct myself, but I've been diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome (ASD), severe anxiety/depression, and oppositional defiance disorder from a very early age. Now, within the last 2-3 years, psychological professionals also suspect me to have borderline personality disorder (BPD).
That mixture of conditions entails a lot of different things, none of which I'll be talking about in this post. But, as I've come to understand, it seems like a few people tend to take issue with my tone or, in other words, they way how I say things as opposed to the actual content of what I'm saying. If you proceed with that understanding and that understanding alone, then you might feel like some of my thoughts are targeted toward you. That is not my intention.
In real life, I struggle with a number of different mental illnesses. I'm not adverse to talking about topics that others might consider to be more personal because, well, whether you or me like it or not, it's a part of who I am and the RL me is bound to seep over into the IC version of me at some point. Some of you might already know because I've talked about it before, and some of you have probably been able to infer as much because of how I react to things and conduct myself, but I've been diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome (ASD), severe anxiety/depression, and oppositional defiance disorder from a very early age. Now, within the last 2-3 years, psychological professionals also suspect me to have borderline personality disorder (BPD).
That mixture of conditions entails a lot of different things, none of which I'll be talking about in this post. But, as I've come to understand, it seems like a few people tend to take issue with my tone or, in other words, they way how I say things as opposed to the actual content of what I'm saying. If you proceed with that understanding and that understanding alone, then you might feel like some of my thoughts are targeted toward you. That is not my intention.
I was going to make a lengthier post but I'd really rather not. The bottom line is that I can’t continue to care about things that, up until now, I really thought mattered. Whenever it seems like everybody around me doesn’t care about those same things or doesn’t see the importance of them, I begin to feel like anything I do at this point would just be enabling that prevailing attitude. In years past, that isn’t what I knew our region to be. It’s disappointing to me that, in modern times, we seem to not only be accepting of these types of attitudes; but we celebrate them as if that’s how things were all along. Maybe that’s just me. Maybe that’s just how I’m feeling right now, and maybe all of you who are reading this post don’t even think that I’m justified in feeling that way. But that doesn’t really matter to me, because all I can ever offer anyone is my honesty.
You might think that I have ulterior motives for everything that I do or that I just want to see everyone who isn’t me fail. You’re free to believe that. Really, it’s not like I can stop you. If anything, I’d be the first one to tell you about how I refuse to try and put effort into changing anyone’s mind whenever I believe that they’re already firmly committed to their convictions about me, or the way things are. It simply isn’t worth it to do that, and I’m sorry if you feel like that’s lazy of me, but that’s just the truth of how I feel. You can take it, you can leave it. Hell, you can even make fun of it.
(You probably will, or, at least, that's what I'm expecting to come of this anyway)
I guess that the point of this post is for me to be able to talk to anyone who it might concern about why I've taken on the outlook that I have. I'm not sure if vocalizing these things will make me feel any better, but at least the forums provide for a more structured venue to get things out in the open than the pacing of real-time back-and-forths on Discord do. The truth is that there's a lot of people in this region who I genuinely do like, think highly of, and who I think will succeed and/or continue to succeed. By the same token, there's also a handful of people who I'm not really a fan of and who I know that feeling of dislike is mutual with. That comes with the territory in any community, let alone one as large as this. I don't need nor want everyone to like me and for us to always get along. But I do think that our squabbles amongst one another on a week-to-week basis will inevitably contribute to our lack of success in other areas.
In my observations, there isn't one person to blame for it all. It's something that we're all guilty of more or less (including me, perhaps especially so), so it's something that will be our own fault if and when it comes down to it. Maybe we're not so different from others across the site. Maybe our internal arguments aren't so special and I'm just unable to see that because I haven't taken a step beyond the shores of the North for quite a while now. But, after any extended period of time, it starts to take a toll on you. As much as I wish it weren't the case, I'm not immune from that. I'm not going to act like recent events haven't had any impact on how I feel about things around here. To do that would, in my view, be disingenuous. But as others have already said and will probably continue to say, the current state of affairs isn't a byproduct of merely the last few weeks or months. It's something that's happened, sometimes more slowly than at other times, term after term.
If you won't listen to me then I advise that you listen to people who aren't me who've said the same. Because our region's success (or failure) in this ongoing war, or in any other area of importance as it relates to NatiionStates, depends on us; and that includes you. (<< the person reading this!) I look at our adversaries and I see players who are more united and more committed to the goals of their region(s). You don't have to like the idea of giving them credit for anything and you definitely don't have to like that I'm the one saying it. But there's a reason why Kasch preached unity in his outgoing address as Delegate this past month, and it would be plain ignorant for us to act our lack of unity and our animosity towards one another isn't an issue or that it's one that's completely unrelated to the war effort.
I can't single-handedly solve that issue. None of us can. Not by ourselves, anyway, and not by waiting for someone else to come along and do it for us. I'll admit that, just by talking about it and labeling it as a problem, I'm not doing anything to fix it (nor have I really tried to). Maybe it's not a problem for the rest of you. Maybe this isn't something that you feel and you're unable to relate or understand because of that. Personally, I struggle with having the desire to even want to do anything at all both in-game and IRL. (I'm not perfect. That's just who I am. Deal with it.)
But I'm just so tired of people always having an opinion on something whenever I say and/or do x thing whenever others, in the past and in the present, do similar things and aren't met with nearly the same criticisms. It's hard to feel like I'm on the same team as the rest of you or that I'm obligated to remain loyal to the region whenever it feels like people would rather me leave, and whem they say that they can't/don't take me seriously, and they show me that they clearly don't respect what I've done even at the cost of my own time, effort, and often, inconvenience. Genuinely, that was one of the best parts of serving in Kasch's administration for the last eight months. For the first time in as long as I can remember, I felt like the people of this region were willing to embrace me and like what I was doing both mattered and was appreciated. But, of course, everything must come to an end eventually and that feeling was no exception.
I'm overgeneralizing, sure, and I don't mean to point the finger and say to everyone that it's your fault that I feel this way. But I can't help but feel like people are only accepting of me whenever I'm offering something in the form of either public service or assistance with ministry tasks. Whenever I cease offering that, as I have since 11 May, all bets are off and what I say doesn't matter and I'm just "salty" and too harsh. Those are the kinds of feelings and talking points that I feel are being directed at me, both right now and that have been in the past. It's no wonder that, whenever I do speak on these things and how I feel about what's being said, it comes off as an outburst. Because unless you know me or are friends with me OOC, you probably have no idea about me and what I'm feeling when you're actually talking about things like my motives, what I do, what I don't do, etc.
To conclude, I don't expect that this post will matter at all. If you've read this far and believe that your time was wasted or could've been spent better elsewhere had you not done so, then I invite you to leave your complaints in my DMs where I'm sure they'll be taken very seriously. Really, I made this post for me. Think of it like you would a blog or a diary entry or something like that. I don't enjoy having to speak about these things but hey, like I said above, maybe I'll feel better after getting it all off my chest. Really, I think we have way bigger problems than just Simone's delegacy or members of the government piling on people who ask questions becuase they don't like how those questions were asked.
Anyway, I don't know what else to say. Do something or do nothing with this information. Again, I'm just being honest and calling it how I see/feel it.
~ Robes
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