Greitbart | Breaking: NPA Soldier Bitten by Bug, Becomes Threat to Region

[Cretox]

Breaking: NPA Soldier Bitten by Bug, Becomes Threat to Region

MAGICALITY CITY - While scrubbing toilets in the Ministry of Defense's private officers' bathroom, an unassuming NPA soldier was bitten by a radioactive dung beetle that somehow got out of the Ministry's bioweapon test lab. In a standard superhero story, this soldier might have developed incredible abilities. What he gained instead is far more terrifying- a wicked urge to enter politics.

"My commitment to government transparency, accountability, and visibility may be newfound, but it is here to stay," said the former soldier, who has asked to remain anonymous. "I would like to personally assure each and every one of the citizens of this great region that I am committed to a system with decency, with decisiveness, with democracy. And that democracy must begin at the highest levels of government." At this point, he stopped speaking for several seconds, seemingly waiting for applause. "I may not be well-known. I may not be the most "qualified" or "competent." But I assure you, each and every one of you, that I will bleed for you. I will sacrifice for you. And I will always fight for you. The people suffer from countless injustices every single day as a result of a government unwilling to make the hard choices. The people suffer the injustices of a government pandering to its cronies, its oligarchs, its secret benefactors. I will save my constituents. I will save The North Pacific. And most of all, I will save your hard-earned tax money."

With the finesse of an amateur politician and the sanity of a professional one, this rising star has already compiled a comprehensive report to the region on his findings in the executive government. "The Ministry of World Assembly Affairs has been executing multi-variable processes without synergy. I recommend the formation of a planning committee to schedule a project discussion roundtable. This roundtable can architect a risk-based system for proactively leveraging our core competencies." Coming in at thirty pages and more than 50,000 words, the thoroughly vague report will undoubtedly change not a single aspect of the government's day-to-day activities. While the report is sure to go unread by anyone without a screw loose, some of the highest voices in the region's government have vigorously devoured it. Justice, Security Councilor, and former Delegate @Pallaith was particularly impressed. “I was in government for two or three years before I was that good at avoiding policy commitment. Gosh, I’m not even sure I’m that good now.”
UPDATE: Greitbart has been informed that this report has had an immense impact already: it's single-handedly solved the government's toilet paper shortage for years to come.

In an effort to contain this new threat to regional security, Delegate @St George tossed the issue to Vice Delegate @Sir Kasto, who tossed the issue to a subordinate, who promoted the upstart to Director of Procedural Enhancement. "As DOPE, he'll have a great chance to put his... unique talents to good use," said the Vice Delegate, while visibly trying to stifle a laugh. "Some would even call him made for this job. He's a professional DOPE."

During a prepared statement earlier today, Minister of Defense @mcmasterdonia took the opportunity to profusely apologize to the region. "I'm so, very sorry about the damage I've inflicted to The North Pacific. That dung beetle was the result of a bioweapon program we were developing to use against fascist regions. Once we saw the results of a less-potent version, we knew the program had to be scrapped. We were in the process of destroying all units when one escaped into the vents. I don't know how extensive the damage will be once this is all over, but I will do whatever I can to right this wrong."

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