The Stag King; Five Years (Invite Only)

[Prydania]

And it's whispered that soon, if we all call the tune
Then the piper will lead us to reason
And a new day will dawn for those who stand long
And the forests will echo with laughter

30 January 2022
12:31 pm
On a Sunday
Býkonsviði, Prydania

Dr. Melkorka Reyr was very nervous. She had a week to prepare herself for this, but now that it was happening, well... how could she not be nervous? The worst thing about it was that she couldn't show it. Not much, anyway. Her patient needed to see her as someone collected, and able to help.

The timing was fortuitous, that she had been hired just after the University of Býkonsviði had sent her new copies of her diplomas, with the Syndicalist-era university emblem changed out to the current one.

"Well here we go," she said softly as she downed a glass of water and went to her office. A soldier- a Knight of the Storm specifically- standing outside of it. His blue and white uniform immaculate.

"Just standard procedure, Doc," he said with a disarming smile.

"No, no, I get it," Melkorka replied with a smile of her own. The knight patted her down and then nodded before heading off. He wasn't going to get caught ease-dropping on something like this.

"Well no more delays," she said to herself, entering her office.

"You're Majesty," she said, bowing her head as she saw the King of Prydania sitting on her office's floral print couch.

"Oh," Tobias replied. He had begun to feel relaxed after feeling tense all day. The office was warm, with pleasant still life paintings decorating the wall. He'd begun to feel at ease when the doctor entered.
"I'm sorry," he added, blushing as he stood. Sounding like he was apologetic for forcing her to be rather formal.

"I'm, um, sorry Doctor," he continued.
"You can just call me Tobias if you like. It might make this easier."

Melkorka had expected he would say that. The head of his security had sufficiently briefed her on the King's desire for less formal address. What she wasn't prepared for was how soft spoken he seemed. She knew the King from speeches mostly, going back to the Civil War. But he was practically whispering here. Still, she didn't let that throw her off.

"Well, Tobias, you can call me Melkorka," she said with a smile. Tobias returned the grin and sat. Melkorka could tell he was nervous. His left foot was tapping. She said nothing about that though, sitting herself. She crossed her legs and folded her hands together on her knee.

"'Melkorka' is an interesting name," Tobias said. He was hoping to break the ice.

"It's a Prydanian form of a Cogorian name, Mael Curcaig," Melkorka replied.

"You're Cogorian?" Tobias asked, his voice more curious than anything.

"No, but my grandmother was. I'm named for her. She was a refugee during the Fascist War, who came to Prydania to escape the Cogorian communists."
That was true. And she hoped it might help the young King relax, finding something to relate to her about.

"And they came to Prydania?" Tobias asked.
"Social Commonwealth Prydania?"

The fact is that Melkorka wasn't sure what Tobias wanted to talk about. She could guess, any number of things. But until he actually opened up, it was guess work. Still, she suspected some things and had an idea.

"The fascists were certainly indefensible, Tobias. But they helped my family escape something just as bad. People are complicated. Awful people can do good things and good people can do awful things. The important thing is to not lose sight that people are... people."

Tobias nodded and leaned forward for a bit before leaning back. The couch was certainly comfortable.

"So Tobias," Melkorka said, trying not to show any nervousness about who she was talking to, "what is it that I can help you with?"

"I don't know..." Tobias said softly.

Melkorka nodded. That wasn't unusual. A fair number of patients didn't fully know why they needed help. Just that they did. Her own nervousness calmed down as she began to approach him like any other patient.
"Why don't you start with why you decided to reach out to me?"

Tobias nodded.
"Everything I say stays between us?"

Melkorka nodded. Tobias was still soft spoken and he sounded more embarrassed than anything.
"Doctor-patient confidentiality," she said with a smile.

"I um...I..." Tobias replied. He leaned forward a bit and looked up at the psychiatrist. He blushed. What he was about to admit to was incredibly shameful.

"It's ok," Melkorka said softly.
"You don't need to feel embarrassed about anything."

"You don't understand..." Tobias said softly. Even more than before. It really was a whisper.

"Then let me understand," Melkorka said softly as he leaned forward in chair to take Tobias' hand gently.

Tobias nodded, her gentle touch giving him a surge of courage. He pulled back just a bit, to lean back. And he started to explain, though he looked ahead. Looking directly at her was still too much.

"It was, um, I guess a week ago. And I was having a bad day. I was just...unable to get out of my own head. And...I snapped. I yelled. At my own son."

The idea of it made him blush. And it made him cry. He tried to hold back but he couldn't. He just began to cry...

"I was..." he sniffled.
"I was feeling..." he cried some more as Melkorka nodded sympathetically.

"Did...did you strike him?"

"No! No...." Tobias cried, shaking his head.
"I didn't but..."

"Tobias?" she asked.

Tobias looked up, with red eyes. He was breathing deep. The way she said his name. Soft. Concerned. It cut through all the noise in his head.
"Já?"

"You can tell me," she said softly.

"I...I was feeling overwhelmed."

"How often do you feel that way?"

Tobias blushed deeply and looked down.
"All the time."

"You are, you're a King. There is a lot of responsibility. There's no shame in..."

"No," Tobias said shaking his head.
"It's not like that."

"In what way is it like?" Melkorka asked with a friendly smile.

Tobias felt a lump form in his throat but he'd begun to open up. He felt like he could open up more. He wanted to. It was liberating.

"When I was little my parents..." he begun to feel overwhelmed again. Melkorka nodded understandingly. She saw that happen.
"My parents were killed," he said as he forced himself to explain through the tears.
"People tell me..." he began to break down again, crying before he collected himself.
"I spent the next fifteen years running from the people who killed my mamma and pabbi, my aunt and cousin because if they could kill them they could kill me..." he sniffled.
"Every time I tried to think about mamma or pabbi I had to think that they'd come for me too. They'd kill me too. I spent my whole life sure that someone was going to walk up behind me and put a bullet in my head."

He shook his head and began to cry again. He felt like he was eight years old again, desperately crying for his mamma and sure the men who killed her would kill him too.
He breathed deep and tried to calm himself.

"Almost every moment of my life since then has been filled with dread that I'm about to die...and a week ago it was so bad. I was so...so scared. When Baldr wanted my attention..." he broke down again. Melkorka just let him at first. It was clear he was finally letting go of some things he'd been holding onto for a long time.

"I snapped at my own son," he cried.
"My baby, my son..." he shook his head and then looked up at Melkorka, teary eyed.

"How could I do that?"

Melkorka nodded and gave him a reassuring smile.
"It's ok. It's ok, I promise you. But let's start at the beginning. You still feel this overwhelming sense of dread? The War's been over for over four years."

"It doesn't just...just go away," Tobias replied softly.
"I was scared for fifteen years."

"I understand," Melkorka said with a nod.
"But I suppose my next question is, if these feelings persisted why are you just coming to me now?"

Tobias sniffled.
"Alycia makes those feelings go away," he said softly, his tear-stained eyes still looking ahead instead of at his doctor.

"That's very sweet," Melkorka said nodding. She meant it. She'd followed the news of Tobias' engagement and marriage to the young Empress of Norsia.

"She makes that feeling go away...and I thought... that would be enough."

"Is it just when you're with her?"

"Já...I thought I could...could maybe let those feelings take over but they never did. Sometimes it's not so bad. Most times it's not so bad but it's always there, that dread. Even if it's just in the back of my mind. Except when I'm with Aly."

"Does she know about this?"

"She recommended it. Or ordered it. It's hard to tell..." Tobias said with a meek smile. Melkorka shared a chuckle.

"She told me...she told me there was no shame in it."

"There's not," Melkorka affirmed.
"There's never any shame in seeking help. The brain is like any other part of your body. Sometimes it needs help to get better." Tobias nodded and looked down.

"It's very good that your wife is supportive and understands why you need this, Tobias." She was still a bit floored to be talking about the King and Queen of Prydania like any other couple she had helped.

"It's very good she recognizes that. And it's very good that when you're with her you don't feel that dread. But you need to listen to this, because it's important."

Tobias nodded and looked at her.

"You experienced a very deep and upsetting trauma at a young age. This feeling of dread is understandable given that, and the environment of the War."

Tobias nodded again.

"Alycia helping you cope with it is wonderful and a sign of a loving and supportive marriage," she said with a grin.
"But I feel that perhaps, for a while, you tried to use this as a substitute for confronting this trauma head on."

Tobias sat there, still, tears still running down his cheeks, and looked ahead, not saying anything for a moment. Until he spoke.
"Já."

"The important thing," Melkorka continued, "is to recognize that and seek help. Which you have! It's a wonderful and brave thing you did that. And we'll tackle these problems one at a time. You won't be alone, Tobias. I promise."

Tobias looked up before looking down again.
"But I snapped. I lost my temper and I snapped at my son."

Melkorka nodded empathetically.
"You love your son, don't you?"

"I love both my sons, more than anything," Tobias said with a whimper.
"They mean everything to me and I..."

"Tobias, it's ok," Melkorka began, slowing him down as she noticed he was getting worked up again.
"Cases like yours...I understand them a great deal. You lost your family at a very young age. Now that you have a family of your own you feel an abundance of love for them. This isn't a bad thing. It means you're a loving father."

Tobias gulped. He was about to say "but I snapped at my son," but Melkorka could tell and interjected.
"The good news is that you're not the first loving parent to snap at your kids," she said with a smile.
"Children can be frustrating! Every parent has moments like that. The important thing is you didn't hit him, and you recognized a problem. And are doing something about it."

"Do you have any children?" Tobias asked.

"Three," Melkorka replied.
"Two of them are adopted," she added.
"They can be a handful, but I love 'em. And you love your children. That's what matters."

Tobias smiled meekly and nodded his head, reaching for some tissues to wipe away the tears from his eyes.
"Thank you," he said softly.

"It's my pleasure," Melkorka replied, before continuing.
"Is there anything else? I want to get to the centre of this dread you feel."

"It's..." Tobias scratched the back of his head, "...a really bad cycle."

"Can you explain that?" she asked encouragingly.

"This feeling is better or worse depending. Like...I'm feeling it right now," he smiled meekly.
"That dread, is there scratching at the back of my mind right now."

Melkorka nodded.

"Sometimes it's very manageable. But other times it's...not. It's very oppressive. And when that happens I just focus on...other things that make it worse."

"Tell me about those other things," Melkorka said, feeling encouraged that Tobias was being this open.

"That feeling of dread just weighs down on me and I start thinking of all these dark thoughts from the War. Things I know I'm over but...not."

"Can you share?" she asked softly.

"I feel this dread because I watched my mamma and pabbi die," Tobias said, his voice dour.
"And the people who did it sent people to kill me for fifteen years. And I just...I think on that and I just focus on the people I've forgiven, people I've been told to forgive. And I just get angry. It feeds into the dread."

Melkorka nodded. She could tell he was getting angry. His voice was shaking just a bit.

"I know I shouldn't. I know I shouldn't because...William was right."

"William?"

"William Aubyn."

"Ah, já, right. What was he right about?"

"He was right about the need for forgiveness. I was very angry at him over it. But deep down back then I knew he was right. Which is why...I agreed and signed that pardon. And it's why I...why I've forgiven people."

"Is there anyone specific?"

"Syndicalists in general," Tobias said softly.
"And specific people. Hymir Giæver."

"Who's Hymir Giæver?"

"He's a friend of mine. He's a former Syndicalist People's Militia member."

"Jesús," Melkorka said, with a gasp. She knew full well what they were capable of.

"It's a long story," Tobias replied.
"But he was one of the first people who got me to see Syndicalists as...people."

Melkorka nodded.

"It took a lot more time but...I know I shouldn't be holding onto this anger. But when I feel that dread...my mind goes to dark places."

"About Hymir?"

"About every Syndicalist. Everyone who ever supported them," Tobias replied with a shaky voice.
"That dread creeps up on me and I just...I get so focused. I want to throttle him. Them. All of them. How could they ever support people like that? I watched my mamma and pabbi die, over fokking ideology! I didn't...I didn't deserve that..."

"No you didn't..."

"And everyone else they hurt! They didn't deserve to be hurt..."

"No they didn't."

Tobias breathed deep and looked at his therapist.
"I know these thoughts are wrong, I realized that and I made peace with them. Why do they come back?"

Melkorka nodded.
"Knowing that something is right, accepting it even, is different from truly being at peace. You said you know you should be beyond this, já?"

"It's more than that. I am. Most of the time. But that dread..."

Melkorka nodded.
"Our minds are complicated, Tobias. And I don't find it accurate to say someone is wrong for feeling something. Whatever you felt then, and feel now, is valid. Lord knows, you have every reason to feel angry about Syndicalists. And you're not alone," she said sympathetically. Tobias nodded.

"And you've been trying to be understanding. You've grown and accepted that you want to embrace the other side. Because it's good for you, and dare I say, good for the country." Tobias looked down and nodded again.

"Then why do these dark thoughts keep coming back?"

"It has to do with trauma," Melkorka replied.
"That anger that you felt for a long time, that rage if I may be blunt, is part of you. And it's an understandable part. But then things change. And you grow, like we all grow. You came to understand there was more than rage to be felt towards these people, and you found peace there. But that anger and rage, it's still a part of you. In some way. And that's ok. It's as much part of you as anything else. The key is to control it."

"How?" Tobias asked softly.

"The first, and most important thing," Melkorka replied, is to deal with this persisting sense of dread. We all have parts of us inside of us that reflect our past selves, but it seems like this dread you've felt since you were a child, when it manifests accurately, drags those thoughts you've otherwise moved past up."

Tobias nodded and smiled meekly.

"We will work on that, but until then I want you to try an exercise every time these thoughts manifest."

"Ok," Tobias said softly.

"Acknowledge that they are part of you, but a past you. Acknowledge that they are one of the many complex things that make you you. And when you've done that, you recognize that it's not time for that part of you. You mentally 'put that on the shelf' or 'set it aside.' Do you think you can do that?"

Tobias breathed deep and leaned forward a bit but felt a sort of...relief...in his chest. He smiled.
"Já, I think I can."

"Excellent. Is there anything that triggered the most recent outbreak of that feeling of dread getting very intense?"

"Já..." Tobias nodded.

"Oh?"

"This September will be twenty years since I watched my parents die."

Melkorka nodded. And she understood. Twenty years since the Syndicalist coup. Five years since the liberation. There would be a lot of memorials and celebrations Tobias would be expected to be a part of this year. And that had to weigh on him.

"Well," she said softly.
"You and me, we'll get through that."

Tobias breathed deep and felt his muscles relax for the first time since he got here.
"Thank you, Melkorka."

"You're most welcome, Tobias," Melkorka replied.
"You're most welcome."

 

[Prydania]

The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men
Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness
For he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger
Those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers
And you will know my name is the Lord
When I lay my vengeance upon thee
-Ezekiel 25:17

6 February 2022
12:35 pm
On a Sunday
Býkonsviði, Prydania

"I just...I know you said I shouldn't beat myself up over it but I saw fear in my son's eyes, when I lost control and snapped at him. I can't get that look of fear out of my head."

"It's ok Tobias. As I said last week, you're not the first good parent to lose their cool with a child. It's not healthy to carry this guilt around."

Tobias had been looking down at his shoes but looked up at Melkorka after that.

"I don't want to see that look on my child's face though. I don't want him to remember me like that."

"That's very noble of you," Melkorka said with a nod.
"But you take so much on your shoulders. You over-burden yourself."

"Heh," Tobias chuckled.

"What's so funny?" Melkorka asked with a friendly smile.

"My, um, my aunt I guess. She told me something like that."

"Your aunt?" Melkorka asked, curiously.

"Queen Mélisende, of Saintonge," Tobias answered.
"She's not related by blood but she's married to my Uncle Thibault."

Melkorka nodded, knowing that was Thibault II of Saintonge.
"What did she tell you?"

"It was during my honeymoon, during the Messianic League crisis."

"Ah já, that was tense stuff. I'm happy it was resolved mostly peacefully."

Tobias smiled.
"Já, but I was in Saintonge. And she, my aunt, spoke to me. Among other things she told me about about the need to not over-burden myself."

"You should have listened to her," Melkorka teased. Tobias smiled.

"I did! I make an effort not to, but it sneaks up on me. I find myself shouldering things...I shouldn't. But I do."

"You have been asked to shoulder a lot for most of your life, Tobias. You're not even thirty and a lot has been asked of you. I can understand if you feel, even subconsciously, to shoulder so much. But your aunt was right," she said with a smile.
"And I want you to recommit to her advice."

"Já," Tobias said with a nod as he took a deep breath and leaned back.

"In this case you're over-burdening yourself with parenthood. You lost your family, and so now that you have your own, you want to be perfect. But no one's a perfect parent. Not you, not me, not anyone. You just...do your best. Be there for your children when they need you, love them, and trust that will be enough."

"It's hard," Tobias said softly as he looked down.

"It is, já, for most people. Parenting is really unfair. There is no 'guide,' and no one's ready. You do your best. I realized, as I grew older, that the certainty I had in my parents was a child's folly. They didn't know what they were doing. They just did their best. And so do I. And so do you. I understand that there's a lot of conditioning you're fighting, to not take on too much, but I want you to try. Just be there for your children. And try your best. Don't try to be perfect."

"Thank you," Tobias said as he smiled meekly.

"You're welcome," Melkorka grinned back.
"Now there's something else I would like to discuss. I understand that it's a very emotional subject. If you don't want to talk about it then we just won't. You have my word. But I want to ask you."

"What subject?" Tobias asked. Melkorka smiled and wanted to hug the guy. The King. Her King. And he was looking at her like a wounded puppy.

"Are you comfortable talking about the feelings of anger that intense feelings of dread pull up?"

Tobias gulped but nodded.
"I am," he said softly.

"That's good to hear," Melkorka said with a grin.
"Has the exercise I gave you last week helped?"

"You mean 'putting those feelings on the shelf?'" Tobias asked.

"Já," Melkorka answered with a nod.

"It has...I mean I've tried it and it's helped."

"That's good," Melkorka said.
"It's a a temporary solution. The long term goal is to deal with these feelings effectively, but until such time it's a very good temporary solution. In my experience."

Tobias nodded and looked down. His left foot began to tap on the floor again.

"Would you like to expand on what we discussed last week, Tobias? These feelings of anger?"

Tobias blushed and sighed.
"They're embarrassing."

"Why?" Melkorka asked.

"Because I'm over them. I thought I was...I don't know."
He sighed and hung his head.

"Hey, hey," Melkorka replied, smiling.
"Remember what we talked about. They're part of you. Nothing to be ashamed of. But we just have to contextualize them."

"I...it's hard. I feel like I've made peace with my past some days. Like...like I truly feel I've moved on. But others..."

"The dread digs it up," Melkorka said with a sympathetic smile.

"I just..." Tobias stopped, feeling his jaw lock. His gaze went from looking down to looking ahead, intensely.

"Tell me," Melkorka said softly.
"It's you and me, and no one else. This is a safe space. No judgements."

"Part of me, an angry part of me, feels like I never got what I deserved."

"What does this part of you feel you deserve?"

"Vengeance."

Melkorka nodded. It was hard not agree with him in a broad sense. What was done to his family...Jesús, how could anyone not want vengeance? But that got an idea in her mind. She nodded again.
"Go on," she said, urging him to continue. She needed to play this out in her head. It could be the key he needed to contextualize his own anger.

"My mamma and pabbi were shot...I saw it happen. They were taken from me...and some people had the gall at the time to say it was a good thing."

"Most people are good," Melkorka replied.
"Anyone who said that, they weren't thinking. They were caught up in their own ideals about politics and symbolism. They didn't take time to think of you as a person, of your parents as people. It's not malice just...some people don't fully think things through."

"It was my life though!" Tobias replied before he broke down crying. Melkorka nodded and let him cry for a moment. How much of this he shared with people vs how much he'd kept hidden she didn't know, but she knew the chance to emotionally release was vital to most of her patients.

"They weren't fokking symbols!" Tobias cried..."they were my mamma and pabbi...and I...I love them I'll never see them again..." he cried again, hanging his head as he bawled and blushed.

Melkorka nodded some more given him his space to cry.

"And after it ended, when we won," he said as he sniffled and forced himself to recover.
"I had to forgive so many. The man who took my family from me was dead. He killed himself like a coward. And I had to forgive so many people...even after tearing down their regime, I wasn't allowed to get any comfort. I couldn't. I had to smile and forgive. I never..."

"Tobias..."

"My parents were taken from me! I should have been able to demand something! Something from the whole lot of them!"

"You told me you came around to the pardon though. That you don't regret it now."

"Tobias cried some more and sniffled as he forced himself to stop. He sat there in silence, just tapping his left foot some.

"I do..." he sniffled.
"I do most of the time...but these thoughts just never go away. I'm just...so fokked up. I can't even move on properly. I feel like I've put it behind me and then I feel like this..."

Melkorka watched as the King of her country, a symbol of anti-Syndicalist resistance...a symbol of hope for a better future for so many of her countrymen...hung his head feeling like a failure on her office couch. It was a humbling experience.
She felt her heart race a bit as she breathed deep to collect herself.

"The mind is complicated, Tobias," she said softly.
"You know you want to move on. More than that, you have. You truly have." She leaned forward to touch his hand reassuringly before leaning back.
"But as with a shattered mirror, a damaged psyche isn't just broken in one place."

"I'm damaged..." Tobias said softly.

"Já, you are...but how could you not be?" she replied.
"Our goal is healthy mental recovery," she added.

"I don't know what to do..."

"You need to keep up the exercises. Remember that this rage, it's a valid part of you. But it's not needed now. It's part of a past you. When it comes up, you know to set it aside. You said that's been working?"

"Já...it has been," Tobias said softly.

"Good. The next thing I want to say is..." she paused. The idea that had been formulating in her mind...it was good. It would work. She could feel it.
"You say this part of you wants vengeance. Maybe that's true. But I choose to think of it as closure. Syndicalism, Thomas Nielsen, however you want to identify it, a force took your family from you. And you have never gotten the proper closure on that."

Tobias nodded.
"I'm always being asked to look past this, consider that...greater good stuff. But why aren't...why am I always the one who has to sacrifice?"

"A lot has been asked of you in your young life," Melkorka reiterated.
"But call it vengeance or closure, I do think you've gotten it. This anger of yours, this bit of you, of your past, that still wants closure, you've gotten it. You just don't realize it." And there it was. She was going to see if this would work.

"How?" Tobias asked, unsure what his therapist was getting at as he looked at her with reddened eyes.

"I'm going to tell you a story, Tobias, but I promise it will answer your question."

The King nodded, emotionally ragged and hanging on her every word.

"My family escaped communists in Cogoria," she said with a nod.
"And were given asylum in this country by Social Commonwealth fascists. That meant that when the fascists came back in 1984 our family was 'protected' in a way. You would think the Syndicalist coup would have meant bad things for us, but no. The Syndicalists were allied to communist Cogoria. And being of Cogorian ancestry, being able to communicate in high and low Cogorian, it made us valuable. The People's Militia watched us like hawks but so long as my mamma and pabbi, and aunts and uncles, were willing to chair this or that 'Prydanian-Cogorian Friendship Summit' we were relatively free from harassment. I tell you all of this so you know that I knew Syndicalists. Some fairly high up. Some guilty of very bad things who are thankfully in jail now. I knew these people. Spoke with them. And I can tell you, Tobias, you got your closure."

"How?" Tobias asked. There were so many things he wanted to ask her about the War. About her childhood, young adulthood. But he stayed focused on what she wanted to share.

"I don't know what you knew, growing up. I was here most of the Syndicalist era. I don't know what you knew behind FRE lines. But at first the Syndicalists ridiculed you."

Tobias knew some of that. But he wasn't living in Syndicalist territory. He didn't know the full extent of their propaganda.

"At first they said you were a pawn. Just William Aubyn and Stig Eiderwig's puppet. Just a hapless child. Then 2013 happened."

Tobias gulped. The Winter Offensive.

"When the FRE broke out of the woods and countryside and seized control of Austurland, well, it shocked a lot of people here. Most people celebrated, albeit secretly. But a few, the people tied to the regime, got scared. The first time I ever heard you talk was your radio address, after the FRE began sweeping across Austurland. You called for fighting to continue. For freedom."

Tobias looked down. He remembered that speech. He remembered shaking when he gave it.

"That scared a lot of people here. Suddenly stories of the rightful King riding out of the east began creeping up."

"I never liked the Vortgyn comparisons," Tobias said softly.

"Well they terrified the Syndicalists. So they began to double down on the ridicule. I don't want to upset you...but they began taking to calling you 'Tobi-ass.' I don't know if you ever heard it."

"I heard it," Tobias replied. Not angrily. Just rather...neutral.

"After the Battle of Hadden those jokes stopped. After Hadden they couldn't laugh anymore and that fear that had been there since 2013 took hold. They grew afraid. Afraid the FRE would win. Afraid that the people in the territory they still controlled would see that their hold wasn't as strong as it seemed. And most importantly, Tobias, they were afraid of you. Because they were certain that when you were King you would kill the lot of them."

Tobias looked up, his body trembling a bit from the after effect of his tears.

"As the War drew to a close some even accepted it with relief. Sort of like how a serial killer who knows he has a lot to answer for secretly awaits being arrested. There was a sense of resignation that hung in the air with the Syndicalists during the last months of the War. They accepted that you would kill them. The Syndicalist government had gone to great lengths to play up your uncle's cruelty. Why would you be any different? They were ready for it. But then you sighed the pardon. And you got your vengeance."

"How?"

"You proved to the Syndicalists you were better than your uncle. And better than them. You gave most of them a second chance when they were sure you wouldn't. You showed them compassion. And you allowed the country to heal after thirty-three years of pain."

Tobias sat there. He was still even as his heart was racing. He just looked ahead as what his therapist said ran through his mind. Was she right?

"The Syndicalists sold themselves as the cure to eighteen years of Loðbrók tyranny. And they gave the country fifteen more years of hurt. And who ended the cycle?"

"William did," Tobias said softly.
"Stig did."

"It was your signature," Melkorka countered. "Symbolic or not, you didn't have to do it. But you did. And every Syndicalist that pardon freed had to reckon with the fact that a Loðbrók had ended the cycle of violence they partook in. You proved every one of them wrong. You upended their propagandized beliefs, threw every insult back at them, you forced them to reckon with their past, all by being better then them. That's how you got your closure."

Tobias continued to sit there, saying nothing.

"You may be wondering if I'm just blowing smoke up your butt," Melkorka added.
"But I wouldn't be a good therapist if I was. I promised you I would help you get better. And I can't do that by lying to you. Everything I said I meant. And it's true."

"Now I feel...I guess...embarrassed," Tobias said softly as he blushed.

"Why?"

"I don't...um...deal with praise well. And I feel bad, for having these thoughts at all."

"We can deal with praise later," Melkorka replied.
"But as for these thoughts, don't. They're natural. They're part of you. You just hadn't fully contextualized the events around them. Hopefully I've been able to provide a helpful perspective so that when these thoughts are dug up again you can peacefully deal with them."

"Thank you," Tobias said softly. He looked down. He felt...humbled. To have exposed this much of his raw anger, and to have her still want to help him. And to feel like she had succeeded. She'd helped give him something to keep the demons crying for vengeance away.

"This feeling of dread that causes this though, that's the real problem. And together we can overcome it."

Tobias took a deep breath. He was ready. For whatever was going to come next.

 

[Prydania]

Stand up and fight
Stand up and look into the light
Pushing the clouds away
Stand up and fight
Stand up and see the sky turn bright
Fight for a better day

7 February 2022
12:41 pm
On a Sunday
Býkonsviði, Prydania

"I remember the first time William had me give a speech," Tobias said softly.

"I remember hearing that speech on the radio," Melkorka replied with a smile.
"We listened to it in secret."

"No, you didn't," Tobias corrected her.
"Everyone thinks that radio speech was my first speech, but it wasn't. It was before then, after the FRE had taken back Krysuvik. That's my mamma's home town and William thought I should give a speech of sorts. I was seventeen. It was time I played some role."

Melkorka nodded. He seemed worn down when he talked about stuff like this. She didn't want to ask him what the speech was really.
"I'm sure that couldn't be easy," she said, giving him a chance to open up in his own way.

"I was scared," he said softly.
"I'd talked before. William had me meet people from the areas we'd liberated, but this was the first time I'd given a speech. It was scary, but it was also sad."

"How so?" Melkorka asked. She wanted to avoid jumping to conclusions. She had grown to know Tobias over the last three weeks. And she knew that while he was nervous about opening up once he felt comfortable he would readily do it. Almost like he was relieved to be able to.

"I saw what the War had done to people," he said softly, "but I had to flee Krysuvik nine years prior. I was excited, like a fokking child, to go back to my mamma's home but it had been nine years of Syndicalism and it left people cold, scared, and hungry. And they were looking to me."

Melkorka nodded.
"You were seventeen at the time, já?"

"Já," Tobias replied with a whisper.

Melkorka nodded again, and breathed deep. She was going to have to go places she realized might be sensitive for her client.
"I want you to know I don't pretend to know what things were like in the FRE. But I think..."

"You think that it was unfair. Unfair that William put me in that position."

Melkorka was surprised.
"Well Tobias, do you feel that way?"

The King sat there and gulped.
"I don't know," he said softly.
"But I've thought about it a lot."

"You know you can share those thoughts with me."

Tobias nodded, looking down and away, into the middle distance.
"I was just as scared, and afraid, and hungry, and cold as they were. But they were looking to me and I just...I just needed to be what they needed. So I decided to be what I needed."

"What did you need?"

"I needed my mamma," Tobias said softly.
"I had memories of her. And I knew what people said about her..." he felt his jaw tighten and his eyes begin to water. He trembled a bit and looked at Melkorka.

"It's ok," she said softly. He nodded.

"I would imagine," he began to cry softly.
"What she would say to me, when I got lonely and scared."

He cried a bit and breathed deep, collecting himself.
"I know it's not her. It's just this memory, this constructed memory of her, but I imagined what she'd say to tell me it would be ok. I just...I let that idea of her speak through me."

He gasped again and cried softly as he looked down.

"How long did you do that, Tobias?" Melkorka asked.

"I still do it," he replied with a whisper.
"Every time I need to give a speech. I think of my mamma and what I imagine she would say."

Melkorka reached out to put a hand on his shoulder comfortingly.
"You know that you inspired so many people, right?"

He nodded, tears staining his cheeks as he looked down.

"God knows how many times you've been told this, but you inspired everyone. People looked to you because you talked about a fight for a better future. You talked about...doing the right thing. And it meant so much to so many people."

Tobias sniffed and hung his head.

"I know," he said with a slightly horse voice.
"I know I had to do it because of who my mamma was, too. Because of who my pabbi was. But why me? Why did I have to carry this?"

Melkorka nodded.
"You're right. You didn't deserve to lose your parents. You didn't deserve to have all of that pressure put on you. That all happened because of the circumstances of your birth. But I can't change circumstance, Tobias. And, despite how important everyone said you were, neither can you."

"It's scary even now. I'm not even thirty, and people tell me how much I meant to them."

"Alycia helps you. As your doctor, I'll help you. You do mean a lot to this country. And to Prydanians beyond its borders. But that doesn't mean you have to be alone."

Tobias sniffled again and nodded, biting his lower lip nervously.

"We've spoken before about your aunt telling you not to try to carry the world on your shoulders. You should remember that. You're not alone, Tobias."

He grinned and breathed deeply. He should say something. He didn't know what but he felt he should. Melkorka, however, spoke before he could.

"Your mamma must have been a kind woman, if the you that I heard give speeches for all of those years came from her," Melkorka said, hoping to comfort him further.

Tobias looked up, his green eyes were reddened with tears.
"Like I said it's just a constructed memory. My hazy memories from when I was a kid and...and...what people tell me."

"We remember our parents more so than perhaps anyone else. We're the sum total of them after all," Melkorka said with a grin.
"I think your memory of your mamma is closer than you think. And it's one more person who's with you. She's with you."

"I miss her and pabbi," he said softly.

Melkorka smiled meekly.
"I know. But you carry your love for them to your children. And wife. And..." she smiled a bit wider, "your country. It's a lot, I know. And no it wasn't fair it had to be you...but with people to help you, it can be manageable. You don't have to carry the weight all yourself."

"Já," Tobias said with a nod.

"Promise me you'll tell yourself that you're not alone," she said softly.

"I promise," Tobias said with a meek grin.

"Good. Do it whenever you feel overwhelmed. When you feel dread even. I think it'll help."

Tobias nodded as he tapped his foot nervously. Though his heart seemed to sing. At the possibility that scars that had yet to fully heal could, one day, fade.

 

[Prydania]

Oh Dance In The Dark Of Night
Sing To The Morn Ing Light
The Dark Lord Rides In Force Tonight
And Time Will Tell Us All

14 May 2022
12:09 pm
On a Saturday
Briarviður Prison, Prydania

Ejvind Borg sat in a grey prisoner's uniform in an empty conference room. His left wrist was locked to a table but he was otherwise comfortable. His hair was still damp from a shower following a workout, and he nervously ran his fingers through the wetness.

He looked around, studying the room to take his mind off of his nervousness. The room was quite nice. It was a true conference room, complete with an unremarkable but pleasing landscape panting on one wall, an oaken desk, and comfortable enough chairs.
The government had opted for a "reform
over punishment" approach to prison. And this was a damn sight better than a stark prison. Or the torturous places the Party had set up...

His focus was broken by a door opening. A guard entered. But not one from the prison. Instead of the guard uniform this one wore a blue military uniform trimmed in white. And on his shoulder, the five cross emblem of the Knights of the Storm. Ejvind sighed... and Tobias entered. The King pat the Knight on the shoulder and said something...the guard leaving the room. Leaving the two of them.

"I'd stand, Your Majesty," Ejvind said, "but..." he held up his left wrist locked to a metal railing under the desk. It was a jokey thing to say, but it helped him deal with his nervousness.

Tobias just smiled though. He thought about asking "would you?" but that seemed a bit antagonistic. Instead he sat across from the former Syndicalist Field Marshal.
Instead he decided to get to it.

"What do you think? Fourth of June? I'd love to have you there."

The question may have been a relief to Tobias- a straight forward to the point question.
But to Ejvind it just peaked his nervousness. He wasn't nervous to see Tobias again. No he was nervous because he had thought about the question for the past day and...had no answer. It was like he was truly split down the middle 50/50 and there was no more room to tug either side...

"I..." he said before he paused. Tobias looked at him eagerly, but Ejvind's pause grew pregnant...and soon it was obvious he had no answer.

Tobias shifted a bit in his seat.
"If it makes you feel any better," he said with a smile, "this is the least tense I've been coming here."

"I heard about Lieftur and Buhl," Ejvind said softly.

"You talk to them much?"

"I don't talk to anyone much," Ejvind replied.
"And I honestly don't think I have much to say to either of them."

Tobias nodded but he was a bit unsure. He found it hard to read Ejvind Borg. He never tried to whitewash what he did, or make excuses. He owned up to a lot. But he still seemed stand-offish. Maybe it was a military officer thing. Stig was hardly the most open and warm person in the world, after all...

"Why do you want me there?"

Tobias looked a bit shocked. He thought that much was clear.

"I want you there because I think..."

"Unity?" Ejvind asked. Tobias said nothing for a moment. He was thinking, not expecting him to say that. But Ejvind continued.

"It's a nice sentiment," he continued.
"Wanting me for the sake of unity. But I..." he paused for a moment. He could feel that disagreement within himself. Part of the side that wanted to refuse resented being used as propaganda.

"I don't want to be trotted out like a captured trophy," he said. He hoped he didn't sound like he felt. The nervousness came from the fact that he was, frankly, uncomfortable. With...everything. He'd accepted his role in what had happened. Been up front and open about it...but the Syndicalist Republic was what he'd devoted his career to. His men were what he'd devoted his career to.

Was there value in that, even if what they fought for was horrible? Did explanations for why they fell on the side they did make up for everything?
Ejvind didn't know. He truly didn't. And that's what made reconciling all of this hard.

But he knew one thing. He had five years left on his sentence. What could they do? Charge him for failing to take part in a parade? Which was what gave him the courage to say what he said.

Tobias didn't say anything at first. He was collecting his own thoughts. Well... taking stock of them, reigning them in. His own history with Syndicalists... well... it made things hard. He didn't mind that his mere presence drove Jannik Lieftur angry with rage. It was what he wanted, actually.
But he'd come to Henrik Buhl to tell him he wouldn't be executed for his role in the Syndicalist regime, and Buhl had responded with directionless and resigned frustration about everything. He remembered what he'd told Dr. Reyr. Some part of him wanted vengeance... kept in check because he knew deep down that forgiveness and compassion were better... but when Syndicalists still hung onto their old attitudes... the part of him that was angry got angrier.

But Dr. Reyr had helped him understand how to handle that. He looked at Ejvind, letting what he felt towards this man swim in his head as he said nothing.

"So Your Majesty," Ejvind said after a pause, "if that is all then..."

"It's not," Tobias said softly, staying seated. Like a burning, raging fire the anger and frustrations he felt towards Enjvind Borg subdued. And like fire burning away impure metals, the simmering rage left a clear idea in the young King's mind. What he wanted to say. The wording that he'd not been able to think of before now.

"I want you there, Field Marshal, because I think the people who fought for the Syndicalists should be represented to celebrate the end of our War."

That was like a dagger through the two conflicting sides of Ejvind's consciousness.
Maybe what he'd fought for, what they'd fought for, was wrong. But the past was written with permanence. He couldn't change what he'd done, what they'd done. So maybe they no longer had a cause but...they needed each other. And he was their leader.

"You want the men and women who fought under me represented?" he asked.

"Já, I do," Tobias replied with a nod.
"They fought, for what they believed in." That wasn't from Dr. Reyr. That was from Marc-Thorsteinn Gausserand-Landet. But it was still good advice.
"And the war united our country. They're part of that. I think they should be represented."

"Part of that?" Ejvind said with a raised eyebrow. That was the gesture that ticked Tobias' brain in just the right way. He didn't go off, but his jaw clenched.

"No, I gave Syndie vets access to pensions because I'm secretly my fokking uncle," he said gruffly. The anger subsided, but he didn't regret what he said. He went to stand.
"If your answer is no, then I wish you a good day, Field Marshal."

"Wait," Ejvind said. He had a bit of urgency in his voice, but he didn't show it. Tobias lowered himself into his seat again.
"I'm sorry," Ejvind continued.
"I've had five years to think about everything, but the War was fifteen. The math still isn't on the side to let me let go of some things so easily."

"Is there a magic number? When you've been in here for eight years, will a light go off in your head?" Tobias asked cooly.

"I don't know, Your Majesty," Ejvind said.
"I just really...." he paused for a moment.
"I really fokking hated your uncle."

A faint smile crept across Tobias' face.
"So does everyone else in this room."

Ejvind looked around. It was empty save for the two of them.

"You don't remember me, do you?" he asked. Tobias' smile went to a look of confusion. He tilted his head. This was the first time he'd ever spoken to Ejvind Borg directly. He was sure of it.
"I don't blame you if you don't...it felt like....two lifetimes ago," Ejvind added. "I think you were only three at the time. I remember your mamma and pabbi..."

Tobias shifted a bit. He was uncertain about someone- a Syndicalist especially- talking about his parents. But he was also desperately searching his memories.

Twenty-four years ago...

The sounds of the piano echoed as Robert played....just a string of notes at first, before he began to string a melody together...he hummed the tune to the pop song Hjörtu í Eldi as he played it, letting himself sway with it, before he hit the high notes with conviction. Just as a kiss landed on his cheek from behind.

"Mmmm," he moaned softly as he played, Hanna sitting Tobias on the piano so he could see his pabbi playing.

Robert continued the song as Hanna slid onto the bench next to him, resting her head on his shoulder as Tobias happily kicked his feet at the sound of his father's piano playing.

"I'm impressed," Hanna said softly, "that you know this song. I thought you'd just know stuffy classical music."

"Heh," Robert smirked, before humming the tune of the song as he played, giving his son a wink... only for the electronic buzz of the intercom to cut through the music. Robert stopped playing, looking forward at nothing for a moment before he sighed as he turned to look at his wife.

"Time to talk to the goon squad," he whispered just before getting up and ruffling Tobias' hair.

"What'sa goon squad?" Tobias asked as he still kicked his feet, sitting atop the piano.

"Don't repeat that," Robert said, pointing at his son before he picked up the phone.

The buzzer meant that security wished to speak to them. He hated it... because security at the Royal Apartments was run by the Knights of the Storm, and they had been purged of anyone who wasn't entirely loyal to Anders a while ago. Anyone who visited them, thus, was someone Anders would know about.

"Hallo..." Robert nodded.
"Mhm...já send him up. I'm expecting him. Já, thank you."

He hung up the phone. It was the sort of person who was necessary given the grip Anders had on their own personal security.

"Who is it?" Hanna asked as Robert got back to playing, after ruffling Tobias' hair again.

"Ejvind," Robert replied.
"He's got something."

Hanna nodded, though she didn't lean up against her husband. She was a bit too tense now. If Ejvind Borg was coming...he must have been carrying something from Tom. She got up and made her way to the foyer that led to the elevator. And before long Lt. Colonel Ejvind Borg emerged, carrying a large tan envelope.

"Lt. Colonel," Hanna said in a worried but pleasant tone.

"Your Highness," Ejvind said with curt bow of his head.
"How are you?"

Hanna paused for a moment, before answering.
"Things could be worse."

"Aye," Ejvind nodded.
"Is...His Highness here?" he said before he perked up.
"Is that Hjörtu í Eldi?"

"His Highness was in a musical mood," Hanna said with a more relaxed smile.
"Come with me."

Ejvind took his beret off, stuffing it between his arm and body as he entered the spacious apartment overlooking the Ryon River. Between the mostly soft white tile and paint, and the wide windows, it was very bright. In an inviting way.

Robert just focused on his song. He didn't dislike Ejvind Borg... he was very grateful to him that he was willing to be a means to pass messages between him and Tom. But right now he was playing a catchy song as his son happily watched on. He wasn't ready to re-enter the real world and all the bullshit that went along with it just yet.

Hanna returned to his side on the bench, furthering his resolve to keep playing. Ejvind, to his credit, just stayed put patiently. Eventually when Robert finished, he waved him over.

"Sorry about that...just sort of got lost there..."

"Don't think anything of it, Your Highness," Ejvind took the envelope and handed it to Robert.
"From Tom. He said you'd find it 'engrossing.'"

"Thanks," Robert sighed.
"Thanks again, for doing this."

"You don't need to thank me," Ejvind replied, before stopping himself. He didn't want to say too much. He looked at Tobias. You could never tell what a child would repeat. He just smiled and gave the young prince his Army beret, fitting it over his head.

Tobias smiled as the beret, too big for his head, draped over his eyes, and held up a salute. Ejvind chuckled as Robert held his hand out.

"I mean it, thank you," Robert said with a nod. Ejvind shook back.
"And tell Tom, thank you."

"Of course, Your Highness," Ejvind said, before briskly making his way back to the elevator. Tobias lifted the beret up over his eyes, watching as he left.

14 May 2022
12:15 pm
On a Saturday
Briarviður Prison, Prydania

"That was you?" Tobias asked. His memory from that day was very hazy. Him being only a small child at the time, and the brightness of that day...it was a vague dream. A hazy series of ghosts.

"Já," Ejvind said with a nod. The two sat there in silence for a moment, before Ejvind spoke again.
"You look like your pabbi. A lot like him."

Tobias stayed silent for another moment and nodded.
"I get that, a lot."

"I don't suppose it means anything to you that I don't think it's right, what Tom did to him?"

"It won't bring him back," Tobias replied bluntly, yet seeming strangely calm.

"No, no it wouldn't," Ejvind said with a sigh.
"I don't know what to say Your Majesty."

"The reason," Tobias said, still replaying memories from that day twenty-four years ago in his mind, "is that I wanted to show that the people who fought for the Syndicalist Republic have a place in this country. Events like this are meaningful, right?"

"If I agreed to do this..." Tobias grinned a bit as Ejvind said it, "...what would you want me to say?"

"I really have no idea," Tobias said softly.
"But if you agree to this, you and I can work on it. And the only person you'd need to approve it would be me."

"You do drive an enticing offer," Ejvind mused as he thought. He felt something shift...that fifty/fifty split inside of him spilling one way. As nervous as it made him...he nodded.

"I'll do it."

"Thank you, Field Marshal," Tobias said, smiling ear to ear.

Ejvind nodded, and took a deep breath. Beyond anything else, if he could represent his soldiers then...then it would be worthwhile.

 

[Prydania]

Leave the sleep and let the springtime talk
In tongues from the time before man
Listen to a daffodil tell her tale
Let the guest in, walk out, be the first to greet the morn
The meadows of heaven await harvest
The cliffs unjumped, cold waters untouched
The elsewhere creatures yet unseen
Finally your number came up, freefall awaits the brave

1 June 2022
4:19 pm
On a Wednesday
Býkonsviði, Prydania

Absalonhöll was full of the gentle echoes of construction as more and more of the palace was being repaired. As less and less immediate funds were needed to repair other areas of the capital, well, more money got sent to Absalonhöll. It was, in part, insisted by Prime Minister Svane who felt like the Royal Palace being renovated was a matter of morale. Tobias agreed, mostly because Svane kept pushing it. But if he had his way these additional renovations wouldn't begin until there was no other priority but...well... it wouldn't matter. He was King- but he'd gotten used to, and comfortable with, the notion that this didn't mean he always got his way.

But today he did.

Because between the craziness in the planning for the 4 June celebrations and going over the lists of foreign personnel who he'd be awarding Orders of Merit, and his own therapy sessions, he finally had time with his boys.

The afternoon sun dreamily leaked into the hallway of the Royal palace, under the portrait of the Saint King, Tobias I. Tobias, under the painting of his namesake, lay amidst scattered Spilvel blocks and toys, holding his twins as they laughed happily. Alycia sat at a table, comfortable as she cradled her pregnant stomach. Chuckling softly as her husband lay a bit exhausted.

“Ice giant!” Baldr laughed.

“Já, ice giant, pabbi!” Hael added.

Tobias held them close and yawned.
“You two have brought down the ice giant five times today. The ice giant is tired,” he chuckled.

He hugged them tight and then let each go as he pulled himself up, still sitting on the floor as he sat by Alycia’s side.
“One of these days, they’re going to get how an ice giant in June doesn’t make sense,” he said looking up at his wife as she stroked his hair.

“I don’t think they care either way,” she replied as Tobias tilted his head up, and reached up to massage the pregnant belly of his wife.
“What if we just lived off the grid somewhere?” he asked with his eyes closed as he smiled peacefully.

Alycia stroked her husband’s hair some more as he sat by her feet with their sons. Tobias would often do this, and she knew how to have fun with it.
“And what would you do?” she asked teasingly. “What’s the idea you’ve got in that head of yours?”

“I’d teach hunting and shooting…in some small town in Skógurland. I can do that…” he said dreamily.

“And me?” Alycia asked.

“You’re the one with the real degree,” Tobias chuckled softly.
“You could do whatever you wanted.”

“Mmmm,” Alycia mused, ruffling his hair.
“You’re cute when you daydream. But it’s ok… there’s a lot going on but afterwards you’ll be able to be with the four of us,” she said as she caressed her belly.

Tobias grinned and kissed her belly and then looked at Balder and Hael.
“You two are going to have a little brother or sister soon,” he said as his sons had moved onto the toys scattered around them.

“Sister, actually,” Alycia said softly, winking as she looked down at her husband.

“What? You found…what?” Tobias exclaimed. He was smiling ear to ear.

“I found out earlier today.”

“Who else knows?”

“The doctor, you, and them, but I don’t think they’re paying attention,” Alycia said with a chuckle as Baldr and Hael were rather oblivious to the discussion their parents were having.

“We’re going to have a daughter? We’re going to have a daughter!” Tobias said, happily. He was practically giddy as he pulled himself to his feet to take a seat in the chair next to Alycia and kiss her cheek.
She kissed him back and then…

“I’m sorry to interrupt Your Majesty, Your Grace…”

Tobias sighed and looked into his wife’s eyes, both of them smiling. It was the middle of the day, his wife was pregnant, and he had his kids with him. Nothing was going to happen really, but he enjoyed the brief moments they could share a kiss. Still, there was no use getting upset.

“Don’t worry about it Elo,” Tobias said as he stood up.

“What’s the matter?”

“A call, Your Majesty. Thorbjörn Höjsleth. Should I tell him you’re busy?”

“Thorbjörn?” Tobias wondered what Thorbjörn would be calling about but he shook his head.
“No, no…I’ll take the call.”
He was further curious why Thorbjörn didn’t call his cell phone. He had the number. And knew he could. Still, he shrugged, turning around to kiss his wife once more.
“I won’t be long.”

“Enjoy your call with your friend,” Alycia said softly and then looked down at her sons still playing on the floor.
“I can manage these two.”

Tobias smiled.
“I know you can but still…” he turned to his son and tried to sound stern.
“Behave for Maminka!”

The boys looked up from their toys and then went back to playing as Tobias followed Elo, before letting out a yell!

“Your Majesty, is everything alright?” Elo asked in a panic. Tobias though, just winced for a moment and grabbed his foot.

“I stepped on a Spilvel piece,” he muttered, as both Alycia and Elo both attempted to stop from breaking out in laughter.

He walked it off though, following Elo to his office. When Elo took his leave Tobias disconnected the phone from the wire and walked over to one of the couches on the far end of the room and tossed himself into it, before hitting the call waiting icon.

“Thorbjörn,” he said cheerfully.

“Hello Toby,” Thorbjörn said, cheerfully. It was still kind of surreal that Royalty, much less the King of his birth country, considered him a friend. But he’d done what he could do…and run with it!

“You didn’t use my cell…would have gotten to me quicker,” Tobias replied. He closed his eyes. He was wearing a Stormurholmr football shirt and so the cool leather of the couch felt good against him.

“I didn’t know if you’d be busy. I imagine you have to be. I didn’t want to bother you if you couldn’t talk.”

“Well you picked a lucky day,” Tobias replied.
“I’ve managed to keep everything at bay for the day. So you’re…” he was going to say “not bothering me,” but Thorbjörn jumped the gun a bit.

“Oh, I didn’t mean to bother you on your day off. I’m sorry!”
He couldn’t help it. He just felt self conscious. Tobias chuckled softly.

“No, everything’s fine. I mean I just got some big news but…” he grinned wide, “but no. What’s up?”

“Well,” Thorbjörn began, “this’ll sound silly but I wanted to see how you were doing?”
He blushed just a bit even if he was speaking on the phone. It was that surreal feeling that Royalty considered him a friend, but on the other hand…he was Tobias’ friend. And he knew him well enough to imagine what might be weighing on him as these important anniversaries came up. This one, at least, was a happy one. He remembered where he was, writing a paper for school when the news broke that the Syndicalist Republic had finally surrendered. That the War that had turned his life upside down was finally over and the people who took his brother and parents from him would see some justice.

“I know that there must be a lot being planned for Saturday, and I just wanted to make sure you were doing alright and not letting the stress get to you.” That was another thing he knew about Tobias, that he didn’t know when to stop stressing.

Tobias smiled. Thorbjörn was someone who he always enjoyed speaking to. He was a very honest person.
“I’m doing alright. But if it’s not about Saturday it’s about later in the Summer. Goyanes, Saintonge, all the people…organizing them…I’ve read through so many lists.”

Thorbjörn nodded, and grinned.
“I’m sure they’ll all be honoured to see you. It’s important.”

“Everyone always tells me that, but I’m always the awestruck one,” Tobias chuckled. That really made Thorbjörn laugh softly himself. That was, above all else, why he was able to run with the idea that the King of his old country, someone who was held up as he was, wanted to be his friend. Because when you talked to him and got to know what he felt, he was as amazed by everything as he was.
“These people…” Tobias’ tone got a bit softer.
“They did so much good. Planning is one thing, but my heart can only take so much reading about what all of these people did. Before I have to put the files down.”

Tobias felt a bit of a relief having said that…and it wasn’t even hard to say. He just…said it. Thorbjörn, though they were not on video, nodded.
“I think I understand,” he said softly.

“I think…” Tobias said, hoping he could lighten the mood, “that I could just go to them instead of corralling them all in one place, you know?”

“You want to go across Saintonge and Goyanes knocking on people’s doors?” Thorbjörn asked with a smirk.

“Já, why not?” Tobias asked. “Could be fun. They’re both beautiful countries to travel through.”

“Because,” Thorbjörn said, putting on a faux-insistent tone, “you’re awarding Orders of Merit, Toby. Not selling vacuum cleaners.” He couldn’t help himself, chuckling. Tobias though, was a bit quiet.

“I don’t get it,” he said, sounding confused. And then Thorbjörn realized that the jokes about door-to-door salesmen probably wouldn’t make sense to Tobias.

“Don’t worry about it,” Thorbjörn replied cheerfully.
“I know what it can be like. So you can talk, if the heavy stuff gets to be too much.” He was talking about the lists of people who would be receiving orders of merit and their stories, of course, but he was also looking ahead. Past the summer. 4 September 2022. Twenty years since the Royal Family of Prydania was executed. He wasn’t going to bring it up, but he wanted his friend to know he was there.

“Thank you,” Tobias said as he pulled himself up to sit upright on the couch.
“I appreciate that. I’ve been going to therapy actually. It’s helped a lot but…but I really appreciate you saying that. Thank you.” He meant it. Thorbjörn wasn’t a King. Or royalty. But he actually did understand what Tobias felt about all of this. They’d both lost family to the same people.

“You’re welcome, Toby,” Thorbjörn said, before deciding to ask him about something he mentioned earlier.
“Hey…you mentioned big news earlier…what’s that? If you can tell me.”
That always had to be said. Tobias was the King of Prydania. And Thorbjörn was a Santonian National Assembly member. They often had things that they couldn’t talk about.

“Oh,” Tobias replied, leaning back as he sat.
“Well…” he began, thinking if he should talk about it but…why not?
“You can’t tell a soul. I mean it. But the baby is going to be a girl. Aly and I are going to have a daughter!”

Thorbjörn’s eyes went wide because… well… “that’s incredible! You’re going to be bringing a princess into the world!”

Tobias chuckled and sighed.
“I can’t believe it. A little girl.” He was still in awe at the idea of having a family.

Thorbjörn could sense it, but to be fair he knew what to listen to. Tobias had confessed the feeling to him before, how his family felt like some divine blessing, something he never dared to dream of after Krista.
It was a feelig he could relate to after his own losses and…

“I’m really happy for you,” he said softly.
“I’m sure Baldr and Hael will be great big bros…”

Tobias could sense the trailing off in his friend’s voice.

“What is it?” he asked.

“What?” Thorbjörn replied, a bit defensively.

“You’re hiding something. Spill it.”

“I don't want to steal your thunder.”

“Outtt with itttt….” Tobias said, teasingly.

“Ok…” Thorbjörn took a deep breath. This had just happened last night. Some of his friends didn't even know yet…
“Addý and I are getting married…” he said before taking a deep breath. He said it all at once, otherwise he'd have nervously hemmed and hawed on it.

“Guð minn góður, til hamingju!*” Tobias said excitedly as he sat up.
“That's incredible!”

“Thank you,” Thorbjörn replied.
“I finally worked up the nerve and proposed. It’s so crazy but I'm kind of over the moons. It's just…just…”

Tobias grinned. He knew exactly what his friend was feeling but didn't step on him, letting him find the words.

“It's like I’m flying, or my heart is at least.”

“You have no idea how happy I am for you…I need to do something!”

“What?” Thorbjörn asked in surprise.
“No, Toby you don't.”

“No I do…some kind of dinner? I donno. I donno dinners…but we should have one when I’m next in Saintonge. In you and Addý’s honour!”

“That sounds ridiculous!” Thorbjörn replied with a chuckle, and Tobias laughed.
“It is! But that's ok! Look, something nice and private. I want to do something for my friend.”

“Ok…” Thorbjörn said softly with a smile knowing he wouldn't win that argument.
“When you come in to award the Orders of Merit.”

“That will be wonderful. I can't wait to see you all.”

“Thank you,” Thorbjörn replied, holding his tongue on “His Majesty.” He knew he didn't have to say it when he was speaking to Tobias privately but…it almost slipped out from time to time. Part of it was manners, and part of it was him knowing who Tobias was. He'd known him as a public figure and hero in his old country before he ever knew him personally. It was wild!

“But, Toby, I think I will let you go. You get back to everyone. I’m glad to hear you're ok…and congratulations on expecting a little process!”

“And congratulations on getting engaged,” Tobias replied with a grin.
“Thank you for the call, Thorbjörn. I appreciate it.”

“Anytime. Have a good day!”

“Goodbye!”

Tobias hung up the phone and re-attached it to the desk-mounted body and cable. He sighed. He enjoyed talking to his friend, when they both had time to. He sat down at his desk and pulled his foot up, rubbing the spot where he'd stepped on that Spilvel piece before hopping up and heading back to his family.

---

*Guð minn góður, til hamingju!- Oh my God, congratulations!

OOC Note: Post approved by both @Norsia and @Kyle and a thanks to both of them for letting me write their characters!

 

[Prydania]

But I am going to change my tomorrow
I'll be on top of the world by tomorrow
Got the strength, I can do it
Not just saying, I'll prove it
I'll prove it

4 June 2022
1:46 pm
On a Saturday
Býkonsviði, Prydania

Flags fluttered in all colours. Prydanian flags, yes, but also the variant with the Royal stag in a diamond- the FRE flag. Then there were the flags of the provinces, and the Goyanean, Andrennian, Kanadian, and UKAG flags that fluttered in the cool summer breeze.

The city itself was alive with celebration...fireworks had started the night before, and continued through the early morning. Street venders served food and drink as the bright, summer day lent itself to revelry.

The Haraldvígi, seat of the Alþingi, was the sight of the epicentre though. Or more specifically the stage set up in front of the Haraldvígi, the building's courtyard serving to house the audience.

Tobias watched as Stig finished his speech. He'd already welcomed the Goyanean, Andrennian, and Kanadian delegations, all made up of veterans who fought alongside the FRE to bring down the Syndicalist Republic.

Stig was never the most charismatic man, but he had his way about him. You got the sense that he valued his duty if nothing else. And when he was finished he was approached by Ejvind Borg, who had spoken earlier.
The two Field Marshals, who had once waged a war against each other, shook hands and embraced in front of the very building where Ejvind had surrendered to Stig five years before.

And then...then Tobias heard it. The Royal pageantry. The crowd cheered, as they had been cheering all day, as Tobias made his way up to the podium. The podium, displaying the Royal arms and decorated in faux oak leaves...the banners and colours bright in the sun...

Tobias wasn't in a smartly pressed military uniform like Stig was. Nor was he in a nice suit like Prime Minister Svane, William Aubyn, or Ejvind Borg or the other officials...he wore khakis and a light dark red sweater, over top a white collared cotton shirt. It was...well...he'd worn cargo pants, combat boots, and a tactical vest five years ago at the event all of this was commemorating.

"Hello," he said softly as the crowd noise dimmed as he got to the podium.

"I had trouble with this speech," he said with a smile.
"Because I didn't know if I should talk about the past, present, or future."

He felt a slight breeze blow by, and grinned. Summer air "felt" different. In a good way.

"I think they're all important on a day like today..." he paused for a moment. He'd managed to avoid getting choked up all day, but now... now he was here. Speaking to the entire country... and so much about five years rushes back to him.

"The present and future are important. But today...I finally decided that today I should talk about the past and what it means. I stood here. Almost this exact spot..." he pointed forward, "on a barricade five years ago, and I was greeted by song. I don't know what compelled me to come out. I think I just...I just had to embrace the moment. It was surreal for me. It was surreal for everyone..." he breathed deep to calm his heartbeat.

"But I wanted to be worthy of the people who sang my song, because I didn't know them and yet they were looking to me. That too, is a surreal feeling. For most of the War I knew people I would never meet were dying for our cause. For our cause to liberate our country. And when the dying stopped, I was confronted by more strangers who put their trust in me."

Tobias looked out over the crowd.
"But they weren't strangers. They were Prydanians. They were our husbands, wives, sons, daughters, brothers, and sisters. And like those who sang, the ones who fought and died...this is your day. Everyone who fought, prayed, begged, hoped, and died for our country..." Tobias bowed his head.

"Today is your day. Today is the day we celebrate what you died hoping for is here, and we remember you. You'll never be forgotten..."

Tobias felt tears eek out. He breathed deep as his heart fluttered.
He'd seen too much death first hand. He'd taken too many lives... three dead was not that notable for veterans of the Civil War. But three people...

"You will never be forgotten, and you will always be carried with us. We follow the road, however tired. We persevere. And your memories and sacrifices make the endless journey that much easier. Thank you."

Tobias went quiet for a moment, and the crowd, which has been rather loud and celebratory went quiet...only the sound of a summer breeze on the flags on display made any noise.

"But to the future, and for the present, we are still here! Fifteen years of war, we are still here! Five years of peace, we are still here! And an eternity of peace before us, we will all follow together. May God preserve Prydania!"

The crowd erupted into cheering again as Tobias began shaking hands with everyone before he smiled meekly, standing before the podium and seeing William Aubyn. William didn't even bother with an offered handshake. He went in to hug, and Tobias followed suit.

"I love you," Tobias said softly.

"I love you too," William replied before they let go.
"Go on, be with your family. We'll have time to catch up later tonight."

Tobias, smiling ear to ear, nodded. He went back to Alycia, helping take Baldr off her hands as the royal couple and their children waved to the press for a moment, before retreating into privacy...

 

[Prydania]

And I wonder why I fly high and how I've learned to begin again
Feeling alive, when I go, they'll know my name they'll know my name
Time is on my side, I won't be remembered in this life as a criminal a criminal a criminal
oh oh oh
And I wonder why I fly high and how I've learned to begin again
Feeling alive, when I go, they'll know my name they'll know my name
Time is on my side, I won't be remembered in this life as a criminal a criminal a criminal

4 June 2022
2:47 pm
On a Saturday
Býkonsviði, Prydania

William laughed softly as he held Baldr up, the kid returning the giggle.
"You've gotten so big!" he said with a grin.
"I've missed you and your brother so much."

William groaned a bit as he stood and set the kid down next to his mother.

"You should come by more often," Alycia said as William stood next to where she was seated, looking out of the window, at Absalonhöll's courtyard.
Just that he was here...when they found this place in the summer of 2017 it was a neglected, pilfered ruin. Now...it was a proper palace again.

"You're too kind, Your Grace," William replied as he watched the revelry down below before he smiled at Hael tugging at his pants leg. He reached down and picked him up.

This too...seemed amazing to him. To be holding this child...
...but it was more than that. Tobias' children were the closest he had to grandchildren.

"Soon I won't be able to pick you up you and your brother will be so big," he said with a grin.
They'd get bigger. And he'd... he'd get older.

"I think you should," Alycia said with a smile.
"The boys love seeing you. And not just these two."
She motioned to the window. And down below was Tobias, still on stage. He was meeting with various people, shaking hands and...

"...he's going to be the death of me..." William muttered as Tobias appeared have gone and sat down on the elevated stage, waving people from the crowd past the Knights of the Storm.

"And Laurids," Alycia chuckled, referring to the Lord Marshal of the Knights who was tasked with protecting the King.
"But he does love seeing you."

"I..." William said softly.
He had just realized he shouldn't say what he was going to say, but it was too late. He'd started.

"Yes?"

"It's nothing, Your Grace."

"It's something."

William just smiled a bit and coughed softly.

"Fine then," Alycia replied coyly.
"Keep your secrets."

William watched the scene before him a bit longer. Everyone always said Tobias looked like his father. And he did...but Robert wasn't like this. Maybe it was because of Anders...or maybe he just wasn't a crowd person.
But Tobias letting normal people past the security, talking to them... he smiled. William knew where he got that from.

"Hanna," he said softly.

"What was that William?"

"Oh," William chuckled.
"Nothing Your Grace. Say, have you two decided on a name for the new arrival?"

Alycia smiled slightly.
"We're considering a few names."

William nodded, coughing again. He sighed.
"I haven't been around much, Your Grace, because I thought it was important to let him, and everyone else, move on without me."

There. He'd said it. Him holding it back had caused it to sit in him like a lead ball. At least now he'd said it.

"Why?" Alycia asked. She sounded more curious than anything.

"When he," William replied, pointing at Tobias down with the crowd, "was a teenager and it began to look like we'd win he'd talk about what it was going to be like. He'd be King. I'd be the Prime Minister."

"You were," Alycia replied.

"Já I was," William said nodding.
"But you know how kids are. Teenagers can only ever see the present in front of them. Not the future. I was worried that he'd rely on me too much. So when I lost that election four years ago..."

"You left," Alycia replied solemnly. She liked William. But she also knew how much her husband loved him. And missed him.

"If I had stayed, everyone would have gone to me to second guess everything Magnus did. And...he's who was elected. He deserved a chance to lead the country. But further...I needed to give Toby a chance to grow as a King without having me there."

"He really does miss you," Alycia replied.
"I understand William, I do... but he does miss you."

"I miss him too..." he said said with a nod, looking up for a moment.
If Robert and Hanna were there...

"So stay," Alycia said with a smile.
"Just a day or so later. The Embassy in Sil Dorsett will manage without you for another day or so."

"Is that an order, Your Grace?" William asked with a raised eyebrow.

"It is if you want it to be," she said with a grin.

4 June 2022
2:58 pm
On a Saturday
Býkonsviði, Prydania

Tobias sat on the edge of the temporary stage that had been constructed for the festivities, each hand gripping it as his legs dangled off.

"So you're a FRE vet? And you're a former Syndie?" he asked two of the guys closest to him.

"Já Your Majesty," one of then said.
"Broddi here was FRE, I was in the People's Militia...I um...I hope you won't hold that against me," he chuckled.

"I have a friend who was in the Militia," Tobias said with a wide grin.

"No kidding?"

"I'm serious. What's your name by the way?"

"Jesper Hegg, Your Majesty."

"Jesper, Broddi, nice to meet you both," Tobias said with a smile.

"It's an honour, Your Majesty," Broddi said. Unlike his friend he was a bit more flabbergasted to be talking to the King of Prydania.

"Nah it's mine," Tobias said with a grin.
"So Broddi, you and Jesper... how'd you two meet?"

"I saved his life," Broddi said, smiling at his friend.
"I found him unconscious in a fox hole with unstable ordinance. Pulled him out and got him away just before the thing blew."

"We've been pals since," Jesper said with a nod.
"How'd you meet your friend? I didn't think the King would have ever befriended a Militiaman," he added.

Tobias laughed.
"It's a long story, but I tried to kill him," Tobias said with a blush.
"Thank God I didn't...he's become a close friend."

"Your Majesty?"

Tobias looked to the side. The crowd was big and loud but this voice cut through the noise. Because he'd heard it before. He turned to see a woman. She had two boys with her.
"Thorfrid?"

"You remember, Your Majesty," the Thorfrid said with a smile. She held her youngest, who looked to be about nine, close to her while her oldest, a few years older, stood to her side. The youngest was looking up in awe while the oldest was looking away in that awkward way people looked when they wanted to seem respectful.

"Kætil and Sigvid," Tobias said with a grin. The last time he saw these three they were living in a ramshackle refugee camp outside of Býkonsviði shortly after the War.
"You all look well!" He was excited to see that the three no longer seemed dirty. Their clothes were clean, and the boys seemed well taken care of.

"We got an apartment in Frelsi, Your Majesty," Thorfrid said with a smile.
Frelsi was a new town...public housing to help the people in those camps.

"I wanted to say thank you," she said.
"When I saw you were talking to people I wanted to say thank you."

Tobias hopped down from the stage and walked over to give her a hug before a knelt down to look at the nine year old.

"Hey Sigvid," he said with a grin.
"Remember me?"

"Já Your Majesty," the boy said softly.
"You came with candy."

Tobias grinned and nodded.
"I did...I don't have any today I'm afraid. But you'll still be good for your Mamma, já?"

"Já Your Majesty."

Tobias smiled and stood, but looked down at the eleven year old.

"Hey Kætil," he said. He knew that eleven was the age kids didn't like it when you made a show of talking down to them.

"He...hey...Your Majesty" he said trying to keep his cool.

"You're helping your Mamma?"

"Já," he said with a nod.
"Thank you..." he blurted out.
"For the house," before blushing.

Tobias felt his heart flutter. The public housing initiative was a government thing...but he'd set some money towards it. He had enough of it... but even then. It was something the government passed. He wanted to say "it wasn't just me," but the boy's nervousness and sincerity got to him. It didn't feel like the time to be pedantic.

"It's what had to do be done," he said with a grin.
"You're welcome."

He looked up at Thorfrid.
"Thank you, for coming to see me," he said with a smile.
"I hope my boys grow up like yours."

4 June 2022
3:32 pm
On a Saturday
Býkonsviði, Prydania

"It's so good to see you again," Tobias hugged William once he finally returned to Absalonhöll.

William hugged back, suppressing the urge to groan. He was getting older. And Tobias' hugs were only getting stronger.

"Can we..." Tobias began with a smile and blush..."I just wanted to know if you'd have dinner with us. Just the family tonight. I know you're heading back to Sil Dorsett tomorrow."

"Norvalle will have to manage," William replied with a smirk.
"I'd like to stay a few more days and catch up. If you'd be ok with that?"

Tobias grinned and hugged him tight again.
"Of course!" he exclaimed, before making his way to Alycia and his kids.
"Uncle Will is gonna stay a bit longer boys!"

William watched as Tobias played with his kids. He'd meant it...teenagers only saw the now, and he'd needed to give Tobias the chance to move through the future without him.
But life was funny like that. Just like the young only saw what was right in front of them... old men could be that way too. And just now...he saw the future both he and Tobias had sacrificed for.

It was ok that Tobias didn't see it right then. It was his to live.

 

[Prydania]

The Queen of Light took her bow
And then she turned to go
The Prince of Peace embraced the gloom
And walked the night alone
Oh, dance in the dark of night
Sing to the morning light
The Dark Lord rides in force tonight
And time will tell us all
Oh, throw down your plow and hoe
Rest not to lock your homes
Side by side we wait the might of the darkest of them all
Oh-oh

4 September 2022
12:03 pm
On a Sunday
Býkonsviði, Prydania

The fourth of September had recently become a perplexing day for Tobias. On that day, twenty years earlier, he'd watched as his mother, father, cousin, aunt, and uncle were all killed. He watched it happen on television, William and Axle oblivious to his presence at the time. A child of seven, who'd just seen his family taken from him, to the cheers of a bloodthirsty crowd.

Fifteen years of civil war and a crown hadn't soothed any of that. Even Alycia understood to give him his space every year come this time, but then two years ago something happened. His children. Conceived on his honeymoon, were born. Twin boys, Baldr and Hael, were born on eighteenth anniversary of his family's execution.
Some people talked about luck, talked about coincidence. Tobias, though, found it hard to shake the concept of fate. Of some divine miracle. Some people had postulated that the princes were his parents reincarnated. Tobias never put much stock in those notions but maybe... maybe it was a sign? Not to move on but to simply embrace the future? A message from heaven that his family, well maybe not his uncle, was safe in heaven, and that his family here on Eras was what he should focus on?
And so... the last two years... the fourth of September had become a happy day for him.

But today was different. Today... today was twenty years on. Twenty years since he, as a seven year old boy, trembled under a desk as his family was gunned down on television.

And here he was. Dressed in a green sweater over a white collared shirt, khakis... this didn't feel like an event he should dress up for... and he stood in the sport they died. He was standing there. In front of a crowd of his countrymen. Twenty years since and his insistence that when the time came he could handle it was melting before him. He trembled. His jaw clenched. He looked down at his speech and then he looked up. He went to begin but... it just felt wrong to say the words. The words he wrote, no less.

"I'm sorry," he said softly, before repeating it into the mic.
"I'm sorry," he repeated. The crowd was still, and a bit unsure. This was a sombre event after all. And it wasn't unreasonable that the King would find it difficult. But still... people weren't sure how to take what he'd said.

Tobias breathed deep. His heart was racing, and he gulped before he forced himself to talk again.

"I just miss my Mamma and Pabbi, and my cousin and Aunt," he said before taking another deep breath and closing his eyes. He was fighting every urge to cry. That wasn't what people expected... was it?

"I'm not the only one," he said, feeling emotion wash over him for a moment as he paused to collect himself.
"I'm not the only one. Lord knows I'm not. I've been to enough dedications for the dead...but even then it's not enough because everyone lost someone."

He paused again. He wished he could stop. He wished he could crawl into a hole and just... just cry. The last memory of his mother flashed into his mind and he clenched his jaw again.

"I'm sorry..." he repeated, "...that you all need to see me like this. I'm sorry but I miss them."

His mamma. His pabbi. His aunt. His cousin. Did he miss Anders? He did... he did miss his uncle. Despite everything else... he was his uncle. He knew Anders was a monster. Probably the only one that day to deserve the bullet... but the seven year old inside of him missed him all the same. Even if he knew it was better to just not go into that.

"I wish they were here," he added.
"Not because of some grand thing, but... I just wish I still had them in my life. I've been all over the country, I've been to Arcanstotska, Goyanes, Andrenne, and Saintonge, celebrating the end of our War. But this isn't that. This is... this is the day my family died. And it's the day my sons were born."

Tobias looked back. Alycia was there. Very pregnant with Hanna, with their two year old boys. She smiled at him and he nodded.

"I wish I could bring myself to read this speech," he said as he addressed the crowd.
"But I can't. I just miss my family. I'd... I'd like to say a prayer."

Tobias looked down. The prayer. It was the one thing he'd written down he'd read.

“Refresh the soul that has now departed with heavenly consolation and joy...” Tobias began, saying a Laurenist prayer for the dead.
“...and fulfill for it all the gracious promises which in Your holy Word You have made to those who believe in You. Grant to the body a soft and quiet rest in eras till the Last Day, when You will reunite body and soul and lead them into glory, so that the entire person who served You here may be filled with heavenly joy there."
He bowed his head as he finished.

"Thank you all," he said softly.
"Thank you for being here, with me. I wish I could say more, but I can't."

Tobias smiled softly and turned. Leaving the podium. The crowd, unsure, began to clap until he sat down next to Alycia.

"It's ok," she said softly, putting an arm over his shoulder. Tobias smiled and kissed his wife's cheek before he felt his heart leap, picking up Hael and sitting him on his lap.

The display encouraged the crowd's cheers to rise and Tobias waved a bit before hugging his son. Kjell Svane came up, a bit shaken as he wasn't expecting to be speaking so soon. But he knew his cues. And so did Tobias. The Prime Minister could talk about duty and remembrance. But for him... all he could say was the truth. He missed his mamma and pabbi.

 

[Prydania]

And all the roads we have to walk are winding
And all the lights that lead us there are blinding
There are many things that I would like to say to you, but I don't know how
Because maybe
You're gonna be the one that saves me
And after all
You're my wonderwall

22 September 2022
11:36 am
On a Thursday
Býkonsviði, Prydania

Tobias smiled as he looked over his daughter. Four days old. She looked up at him, smiling and reaching up. He stuck his finger out and she grabbed it and laughed. He smiled wearily and picked her up out of her crib.

"There we go..." he said softly.
"There we we go."

He took her to the Royal family's living quarters and sat down on the couch, leaning back as he switched on tv. Hockey season was starting soon. And it was time to delve headfirst into speculation and conjecture on RÚV 8 about the upcoming season.

"They don't think Stormurholmr is going to do anything, but that's ok. They're wrong," he laughed softly as he held his daughter.

"Baldr and Hael will probably end up Býkonsviði fans but you'll be my girl right? Islanders all the way?"

"Oh don't do that to the poor girl. Give her a fighting chance at least."

Tobias smiled hearing that voice. It was a voice he missed.

"Jörn!"

"Hello Tobias," Jörn said with a smile, motioning for the King to stay seated as he made his way to sit next to him.

"I've missed you," Tobias said as Jörn took a seat, before turning to Hanna.
"This is Uncle Jörn," he said with a grin.
"He helped look after me."

Jörn smiled and nodded, looking over at the baby.

"Has Alycia left you two by her lonesome?"

"She and the boys are out...it's just us."

"I should make a point to see Aly," Jörn mused.
"It's been too long. But you're who I'm looking for today."

"Is everything alright?" Tobias asked with a bit of worry in his voice. He liked seeing Jörn. But if he was here for a reason...

But Jörn merely shook his head.
"I should be asking about you. A third child. All of this... the five year celebrations. I saw your remarks on the anniversaries of the Royal executions."

Tobias blushed.
"Maybe not my best moment."

"It was an honest moment. I think that's what people want above all else. But I wanted to know if you were ok."

"I'm fine. It was a lot, is all."

Jörn nodded. It was one of the few times he didn't know what to say. Which was fine. Tobias spoke again.

"I missed you a lot."

"Do you know why I stayed away?"

"No."

"You needed to live your life. William is loath to admit it but losing that election in 2018 was the best thing for you. Because if it meant you couldn't just rely on him. It forced you to grow as a King. And I had to step away, so you couldn't just rely on me to answer your questions."

Tobias sat there and nodded, feeling sort of detached. Like he was deep in his own thoughts. How had he grown in five years? He'd never taken stock of that. It wasn't something someone did consciously. His thoughts were interrupted by Jörn again.

"You pabbi used to ask me a lot of questions," he said with a grin to the four day old baby snuggling against her father's chest.

Tobias grinned, looked at his daughter, with Jörn in the corner of his eye.
"I still missed you," he said softly.

"I know," Jörn replied.
"I missed you too," he added before leaning in a bit.

"Hi Hanna. I knew your grandmamma, who had your name. She was a very sweet and smart woman. I'm sure you'll be one too."

Tobias felt his heart race as the mention of his mother.

"But your Pabbi," Jörn continued, "is anxious about something. And he won't tell me. Which is strange. Because he used to be so talkative as a kid."

Tobias smiled as he looked at Jörn, who returned the grin.

"I worry," Tobias said softly.
"Because I lost Mamma and Pabbi...what if I can't protect her? The boys? Aly?"

Tobias held Hanna close to him and felt his heartbeat start to race.

"You were seven," Jörn said with a nod.
"You couldn't have saved them. I know it's hard to process, but I hope therapy has helped?"

Tobias' lips curled into a bit of a smile and he nodded.
"Já it has, with the feelings of dread."

"That's good... I was never great at that sort of thing. I'm glad you found someone who was."

"I figured if Peter Bach can go to therapy so can I," Tobias replied softly, referring to the captain of the Prydanian national football team. Jörn laughed and reached over to ruffle Tobias' hair.

"I missed you, Toby. Football obsession and all."

Tobias chuckled and leaned back in the couch as he held his daughter.

"But I'm nervous, still. Hanna, Baldr, Hael, Aly... I want to protect them."

"Every father wants to protect his family," Jörn said with a bit of a nod.
"But are you worried about anything specifically?"

"I wanted to be a constitutional King," Tobias answered.

"You have been?" Jörn asked, sounding confused. "You helped usher in a constitution as King. I don't mean to be overly literal but that does seem pretty on the nose."

Tobias just shrugged.
"I thought if I stepped aside and let the government work without me I could focus on my family."

"You have though."

"Já and still, there are people who want to hurt me. And my wife. And my children. Because of who we are."

Jörn shrugged.
"Everyone has those people who will always take issue with you. It might shock you to know that in my travels even I've made an enemy or two," he said with a cheeky grin. One that got a chuckle from Tobias.

"Uncle Jörn thinks he's funny," he said to Hanna as Jörn chuckled again.

"I am."

Jörn sighed. He still remembered Tobias as the eleven year old kid he'd met in hiding. In many ways he still thought of him like that. He had stepped away so Tobias could grow without relying on him. What he didn't say, however, was that he needed it too. So he could fully see his charge as a man he had become, not as the boy he'd known.

"You are in the unenviable position of being someone who people will feel that way without knowing you. But you have done a lot to garner the good will of your countrymen."

"I didn't do any of that stuff to garner good will... it was just the right thing to do," Tobias replied.

"Well the end result is the same. I don't see many wishing ill on you."

"Then you haven't paid attention to Esþursia, Rayvostoka, and Callise."

"What do you think I've been doing, since we last spoke, Toby?" Jörn asked with mock incredulity.

"Uncle Jörn thinks he's being funny again," Tobias said in a loud whisper to Hanna.

"I am."

Tobias gave Jörn a smirk and Jörn chuckled.
"I've always had a knack for traveling. I've been all over. Including the three places you're worried about."

"And?"

"People are people," Jörn replied.
"Any street side market here or anywhere else is full of people chatting with friends and neighbours, children playing, supper being bought. Mothers demanding an end to the roughhousing. All under the same sun. The same moons. The same sky."

"It's a nice sentiment, but I don't know how it helps me."

"Most people from these places don't wish anything on you. Politicians, the opinionated lot they are, can't shut up. But people, I still believe, are mostly good."

"I guess it's that I've done nothing. I've done nothing to Callise, to Rayvostoka, to Esþursia. Why the fok do they care about me?"

"The answers are complicated because each nation is different. But let's start with an ally of yours. Sfan K'ter of the Stan Yera."

"I don't think he likes me much either," Tobias chuckled.

"He never disliked you. Sceptical perhaps, and I think he thought you were an assertive little pönk at first, but in his own grumpy way he's come around."

"Well we had mutual interests."

"Já and I think Sfan knows if he needs a friend across the Pale Sea he knows the Prydanian people can be counted on. Their King can be counted on. But I bring Sfan up because... there are two worlds. The world of politicians who talk and talk and have opinions on everything even if they weren't asked... and the world of people. As King as you exist in both. More so then most."

"See I really have missed your advice," Tobias said with a soft chuckle.

"I don't have many arrows left in my quiver but there are ones I've been saving," Jörn
mused with a grin.
"In the world of politics you, you aren't so much a person as a symbol. And symbols threaten. Especially to the overly self-assured."

Tobias sighed as he held his daughter.
That has been something he'd never let go of fully. That people who put forward their over-thought opinions on the execution of the Prydanian Royal family never stopped to consider that they weren't abstract things. He lost his mamma and his pabbi.

"The world of politicians may blow storms your away from across the marches and the seas, but in the world that truly matters, the world of people, you are a good man and father. And dare I say it a good King. I don't mean to make light of what happened to your parents. But your uncle was executed for being a bad King. The Prydanian people do not suffer fools, Toby. But they like you."

"You're too kind," Tobias replied with a scoffed chuckle.

"I'm saying that a good man in the world of people can weather the storms created by the world of politicians."

"I never really asked for this."

"I know Toby," Jörn said softly.
"But you're not alone. Be a good man, and your people will help you as a bulwark against the storms."

Tobias smiled a bit as he looked down at Hanna, who looked up at him. He smiled softly and kissed her forehead before turning to Jörn.

"Would you like to join us for lunch?"

"Já, I think I would," Jörn replied.
"I think I would."

Tobias smiled as he stood, holding Hanna securely. He didn't know if this all meant Jörn would be gone again...but for now he'd enjoy his old friend's company.

 

[Prydania]

You are my sunshine
My only sunshine
You make me happy
When skies are gray
You'll never know, dear
How much I love you
Please don't take
My sunshine away

1 October 2022
1:37 am
On a Saturday
Býkonsviði, Prydania

Absalonhöll was different when it was dark. The stillness of everything. But Dr. Reyr's voice echoed in Tobias' head as he made his way through the palace's hallways, returning to bed, an old envelope between his fingers.

"Why haven't you read it?" she'd asked him.

At first he didn't answer. Not because he didn't have one. No, it was because he was embarrassed about it. He should have read it by now. His own anxiety and fear putting it off seemed silly...

But eventually he answered.
"At first I was too sad. Then when I got older I was nervous. Nervous about what it would say. And that nervousness grew. It grew into this anxiety where I built the act up in my head. I never let myself forget it but it became easier to not open it."

Dr. Reyr nodded.
"That all sounds likely but have you also considered the most obvious?"

Tobias entered the study in the residential area of Absalonhöll. The lights were out. The only illumination came from the moonlight in the windows, and the lights of the city outside. Tobias just stood there for a moment. He was going to do this....

The latter he held in his hands might as well have weighed 500 pounds. His moved into the study almost in slow motion. As if he could sense time itself moving slowly. He finally forced himself to sit down in an old, comfortable chair by an oaken table and reached over to the light, flicking it on.

Now a single island of gold light illuminated the darkness. He sat the envelope down on the table and saw there was a book.

"Who left you out?" he asked out loud, picking it up.

"l’Ensauvagement de la Prydanie: un pays détruit en siècle*," he read. He was fluent in Santonian for the most part these days and he stared at the glossy cover of the book that still felt brand knew despite him having had it for two years. This book showed up on this table tonight? When he was about to do this? He signed.

"No thank you," he said as he set the book back down on the table without opening it, as if to defy whatever agent of fate set that book out for him to read.

He had contemplated reading whatever was set down as a means to procrastinate what he was here to do, but that was the reason he didn't want to read about the War. The War he lived through. So he picked up the envelope again. The battered, soft white texture. Crumbled and stained with dirt in a few spots. The black ink that read "til Tobias*" in his mother's handwriting faded.

He felt his chest grow tight and his heart pound against his ribcage. His feet began to sweat. His elbows and knees tensed up. He was going to do this... and again it seemed like time slowed down in this empty study. He leaned back in the chair... it was the type of chair that was far more comfortable than it looked and he just breathed deep as his nerves gripped his heart and his throat. And then he forced himself to sit up straight and... there it was.

A moment of serenity.

He wasn't sure how long it would last... but his heart wasn't pounding and his anxiety was blunted. For a brief moment he could cut through the molasses around him that seemed to slow time down. He stuck his finger between an empty space where the envelop had been sealed near the corner and ripped.

Paper dust danced from the act, this old paper from twenty years ago. Just as he'd opened it his nervousness returned but the deed was done. After twenty years he'd finally opened it. He pulled the folded up letter and a picture from the envelope.

He could tell what the picture was at a glance and quickly moved it out of his line of sight. He knew he'd bawl his eyes out if he looked at it now. It would have to wait. With one flick of his fingers the letter was unfolded. And the faded but still readable writing of his mother twenty years ago stared back at him.

At first he stared at the letter. Almost as if he were staring through it into the middle distance. So that the writing was just symbols. Symbols he couldn't decipher. But as he felt tears well up, and his heart race... he finally forced himself to read.

Tobias, my sólskin*

I don't know what I can say to you to make what is about to happen ok. I know that you're too young now to understand what's happening, or what this letter means. I just pray that you keep it, or at least remember my words so that when you are older you can know one simple truth.

Your mama and pabbi love you so much. Right now your pabbi is doing what he can to buy us time... buy me just a bit longer with you. So that I can make sure you're safe and so I can share one last moment with you.

I can't expect you to understand now why we couldn't go with you, and why we had to give you to Axle. Just know we would do anything for you, and that's why we did this, so you'll be safe. Trust Axle, trust William. Trust Uncle Stig. I wish I could be with you. I wish I could see you grow up, I wish I could see you happy. But your pabbi and I have to sacrifice ourselves so you can have that future. A future.

The future will not be easy, my sólskin. But you will have your mama and pabbi's love with you, as we look down on you from heaven.
As you get older people will expect more from you. I know you never asked for this, but when they come to you please remember. Never be cruel or cowardly. Be the kind boy I love.

I love you, forever and always

mama

He cried. Multiple times. Bending over in his chair to cry and gasp... but once he started reading he needed to finish. So he'd start where left off. And cried again... and again... finally... he'd reached the end...

And that brought more tears. More tears because it was over. The last thing he had from his mother was over... the last thing she'd ever say to him... he bent over again and cried, holding the letter tight before he realized he might damage it. He gasped and opened his eyes, looking down. He ran his thumb over the words, over what he was sure were the faint echos of tear stains from twenty years ago. He sniffled, and he looked at the letter with blurry eyes.

And then...

He felt warm. Not hot just... warm. He closed his eyes... and he... he didn't know how to describe it. It was smell without smell. Touch without touch. He just... senses someone was there. It was that tingle he got when he hid under his bed and his pabbi found him playing hide and seek. It was that warmth he felt when his mama read him his favourite story as a child.

He didn't want to open his eyes. Scent without smell and touch without sensation could not survive sight without vision.
He breathed deep and trembled.

"I love you both," he said.
"I miss you so much..." he cried softly. He felt something. He swore it. A hand briefly on his shoulder or a finger just scratching his cheek.

"I'm sorry I took so long to read it," he said as his voice trembled from all the crying.
"But I love you so much..."

He opened his eyes. They were blurry from tears. And he made no attempt to wipe them away at first. That...feeling...it lingered for a moment. And finally when it faded he wiped the tears from his eyes.

He leaned back in his chair again as he breathed deep to regroup himself. He picked up the picture he'd set aside. And... he smiled. He'd cried his eyes out and so there were no more tears left for this. Just a smile. It was his mother and father, holding him. His father was in a leather jacket for motorcycle riding, so it must have been at Stig's...

He smiled in part because at six this was the first time his pabbi had taken him out on his motorcycle.
The same bike he'd restored and was being kept in the basement of Stormurkastala.

Tobias stood, and packed the letter and picture back into the envelope. And went to leave the study.

"Thank you," he said softly before turning the lights off.

He felt... unburdened as he returned to the royal living quarters, stopping only at his office to slip the letter and picture into a top desk door. And before long he was back in his living quarters, approaching his bed.

Alycia wouldn't have to know he ever...

"Love? What's the matter?"

Her voice was drowsy. Not even half awake. Maybe... a quarter?
But Tobias smiled even if his plan to go undetected had failed.

"Nothing honey. I just had to go for a walk. Restless legs."

Alycia smiled at him through her sleepiness and lay back down.
"Get some sleep love," she said softly, before fading away.

And Tobias joined her. Holding her gently from behind. Not squeezing, no. He didn't have it in him to squeeze her.

But he had her. Lovingly embraced. Protected. As he drifted off with her.

---

*Prydania's descent into savagery: a country destroyed in a century

*to Tobias

*sunshine