Cormac, the last time you asked the RA to consider your citizenship, I honestly believed that you and I were of similar mind. That is, we both said things to the effect of acknowledging that it was a bad idea for you to be a citizen here, given your history, given your reputation, and given the difficulty in getting along with many of the people here because of those things. As I recall there was also an element of stunt to the exercise, I think because you wee comparing yourself to Funk and Lamb getting passed by the VD. Now there's an element of stunt because of Whole India. Like last time I want to set that stuff aside, and get to the bottom of the important question: do you actually want to be here? Do you think it's worth the effort, and if you do get citizenship, will it be worth the uphill climb to prove yourself and overcome almost a decade of your unique brand of player, the Cormac brand?
There's a lot of bad blood with individual players, there's bad blood with the region as a whole. There's a lot to forgive, and it's even harder to forget it all. I will paraphrase myself from the last one of these discussions (I'm not sure if I can quote myself given it was in private halls), but every time you've been a citizen here it hasn't ended well. As far as I am concerned, that could be considered a reason for why letting you back in isn't the end of the world, because the past tells us you would get mad and leave given a big enough disagreement. And pointing out how distrusted you are and how unpleasant it will be for you to be around also suggests there's a limit to what you can do if you get citizenship. But...more importantly, I think those are reasons for why you personally wouldn't enjoy being here, and I don't think it's fun to play a game or be part of a community where that's the experience you have to look forward to. If you are serious about this return, what's changed in 2 years, for you and for your relationship with this community? How do we even begin to think about getting the trust back after everything that's happened?
Thanks for the questions. I'll do my best to comprehensively answer, though fair warning for everyone, this might get a bit long-winded.
First, I do want to say, transparently, that Whole India being admitted to citizenship here was the catalyst for me seeking to reapply and then seeking to have my previous rejection overturned. It does bother me to feel as though I'm being treated as being worse than a fascist.
That said, as last time, I am legitimately seeking to have my rejection overturned and this isn't just a stunt or to prove the point, as some have suggested, that I still won't be admitted to citizenship. I'm rather hoping I will be. So just to be clear, I am seeking to be a citizen here and to engage in positive participation in the community. I will be remaining in TNP and its Discord server as a resident and participating in community events regardless of whether the RA decides to overturn my previous citizenship rejection or not because I think it's important to show I can positively participate in the community here somehow.
As for what's changed, I think the biggest thing that's changed is me. As many of you know, I retired from the game for a while in 2020 and my exit wasn't pretty. I didn't intend to ever play NationStates again because I felt that the game was making me miserable anytime I engaged with it, and in fact I didn't return until late April/early May of this year -- a break of about a year, punctuated by occasional, brief visits. That break gave me time and perspective to understand that it wasn't
the game that was the problem making me miserable, it was me treating the game in such a way that it was making me miserable. That was the problem. So when I returned this year I decided to make my best effort to play differently, because I've been playing NationStates for 9 1/2 years, I have friends here, and this game and its community matter to me enough to strive toward healthy involvement. Since returning, I've been trying to move forward by not making the personal political and vice versa, by trying not to completely overreact to things, by trying to be more amicable even with people who don't like me, and by trying to let go of past personal grudges.
Now, obviously, I'm not a different person -- I'm still me, and I'm still imperfect. I'm sure if anyone wanted to look they could find examples since I returned of me not living up to the standards I just mentioned, but on balance I think I'm doing better, and I think those who have seen me engaging in public spaces like the NSGP server might be able to attest that they've seen a difference. So, fundamentally that's what I think has changed the most. I also think TNP has changed in some positive ways, though that realization has been slower in coming. Specifically, seeing the way the community has dealt with this situation of Whole India being admitted to citizenship and the way you and others want to ensure it's corrected and doesn't happen in the future is encouraging. TNP seems more like a place I would want to be now than it did in the past. That's really only a realization I've come to over the past few days, watching how this situation has been dealt with and contrasting it with past incidents.
As to your other question, how to regain trust, I'm honestly not sure but I don't think it's possible at all if nobody tries. I don't regret dropping this and agreeing I should be on my way in 2019, because the player I was in 2019 wouldn't have worked out here, but I do think the thinking behind that decision was flawed. I don't know how I'm ever going to prove I'm a better player who can positively participate here without positively participating here, and I'm not sure how anyone can trust me to do that without seeing it in action. I know it's not going to happen overnight, that I might be denied from participation in most ministries if I tried right now (which is why I won't without invitation), etc. I'm willing to put in the time and effort to prove positive involvement here is possible for me and that I've changed over the course of my year long break from the game. I hope people will let me do that as a citizen, but if not I do intend to stick around as a resident, as I said, and as far as I'm concerned starting now I'm letting past acrimony with TNP go.
