The Security Council,
Pleased that
Northern Borland has created a culture of soda addicts and alcoholics, resulting in the Northern Borlandian beverages industry becoming the largest in the world, creating jobs for many bartenders and vending machine stockers,
Appreciating the Northern Borlandian government for granting their citizens access to junk food, in part evidenced by having the third largest pizza delivery sector, codifying the right of Northern Borlandians to consume fast food in front of the television,
Lauding the government of Northern Borland for their international commitments, such as exporting innumerable amounts of cheese to many countries, providing foreigners with mozzarella sticks and parmesan cheese for meals,
Applauding Northern Borland for making their citizens the freest from taxation in the world, resulting in a #1 ranking for highest average disposable income, and admiring the steps taken to achieve this goal such as through slashing all forms of environmental protection,
Extolling the innovative use of child labour and sweatshops in Northern Borland, resulting in the 3rd largest retail sector in the world, ensuring that business executives have fashionable designer suits for meetings,
Absolutely delighted at Northern Borland’s decision to uphold their peoples’ Violet-given right to bear arms, as evidenced by being ranked 6th in the world for most weapons per capita, satisfying handgun lobbyists and murderous lunatics nationwide,
Recognising Northern Borland’s other extremely powerful industries and the jobs they provide, such as:
- their gambling industry, 7th largest in the world, which is probably a result of the highly successful policy in allowing children to gamble their lunch money at the roulette table,
- their automobile manufacturing industry, 9th largest in the world, which is the result of non-existent public transport, which in turn results in citizens purchasing cars and supporting the industry,
- their insurance industry, 20th largest in the world, ensuring that unsurprisingly frequently injured Northern Borlandians are ensured a sum of money in the event of an accident,
Jumping with joy at Northern Borland’s support for other local industries such as the liposuction industry by having the highest obesity rate in the world, as well as the funeral arts and mortuary sciences by having the second highest unexpected death rate in the world,
Admiring Northern Borland for their show of support for local workers, such as through banning immigration into the country, which has resulted in almost all Northern Borlandians being employed, evidenced by the national employment rate which ranks 2nd in the world,
Aware that the government of Northern Borland controls two satellite states,
East Borland and
Deep South Borland,
Acclaiming East Borland, a unique blend of an authoritarian dictatorship and a lawless society, for their sublime and creative methods in national governance, such as:
- prohibiting contraceptives, divorce and adultery, but still having the 5th highest atheism rate in the world, breaking multiple stereotypes,
- having the most corrupt government in the world as well as a complete lack of prisons and a judiciary, but still having one of the lowest crime rates in the world, disproving the fallacy that judiciaries and honesty are required to enforce law and order,
- constructing an arsenal of Weapons of Mass Destruction for the purpose of supporting the mining industry, the 6th highest in the world, ensuring that numerous citizens can earn a living,
Hailing Deep South Borland, a theocratic primitivist nation, for creating a compassionate (6th in the world) and nice (20th in the world) society, with policies such as:
- prohibiting video games, the number one cause of crime and violence in most nations, resulting in the second lowest crime rate in the world,
- prohibiting aircraft, which while has resulted in the nation being ranked as the least technologically advanced, has also resulted in the third most beautiful environment and the second best weather in the world,
- requiring all citizens to adhere to the state religion, resulting in them being the most religious in the world, creating a nation free of infidels,
Observing that despite having no official system for arbitration or judicial matters on a national level, Northern Borland went above and beyond and served as the Arbiter General of their region
Capitalist Paradise, settling disputes between nations and preventing conflicts from escalating,
Determined to rid of the internationally imposed image that Northern Borland is one of the most ghastly places in the world, and instead celebrate their great strides in lining the pockets of corporations and CEOs as well as formally recognise their status as "A Good Place to Raise Your Business", hereby:
Commends Northern Borland.
