The Security Council,
Pleased that Northern Borland has created a culture of soda addicts and alcoholics, evidenced by having the largest beverages industry, creating jobs for many bartenders and vending machine stockers,
Appreciating the government of Northern Borland for granting their citizens access to junk food, in part evidenced by having the third largest pizza delivery sector, codifying the right of Northern Borlandians to consume fast food in front of the television,
Lauding the government of Northern Borland for their international commitments, such as exporting large amounts of cheese to many countries, providing foreigners with mozzarella sticks and parmesan cheese for meals,
Applauding Northern Borland for reducing burdens on citizens by making them the freest from taxation in the world, resulting in a #1 ranking for highest average disposable income, and admiring the steps taken to achieve this goal such as through slashing all forms of environmental protection,
Extolling the innovative use of child labour and sweatshops in Northern Borland, resulting in a #3 ranking in the retail sector, ensuring that business executives have fashionable designer clothing for meetings,
Absolutely delighted at Northern Borland’s decision to uphold their peoples’ Violet-given right to bear arms, as evidenced by being 6th in the world for most weapons per capita, satisfying handgun lobbyists and murderous lunatics nationwide,
Observing Northern Borland’s other extremely powerful industries and the jobs they provide, such as:
the gambling industry, ranked 7th highest in the world, which is probably a result of the highly successful policy in allowing children to gamble their lunch money at the roulette table,
the automobile manufacturing industry, ranked 9th highest in the world, which is the result of non-existent public transport, which in turn results in citizens purchasing cars and supporting the industry,
the insurance industry, ranked 20th in the world, ensuring that unsurprisingly frequently injured Northern Borlandians are ensured a sum of money in the event of an accident,
Jumping with joy at Northern Borland’s support for other local industries such as the liposuction industry by having the highest obesity rate in the world, as well as the funeral arts and mortuary sciences by having the second highest unexpected death rate in the world,
Admiring Northern Borland for their show of support for local workers, such as through banning immigration into the country, which has resulted in almost all Northern Borlandians being employed, evidenced by the national employment rate which ranks 2nd in the world,
Noting that the government of Northern Borland controls two satellite states, East Borland and Deep South Borland,
Acclaiming East Borland, a unique blend of an authoritarian dictatorship and a lawless society, for their sublime and creative methods in national governance, such as:
prohibiting contraceptives, divorce and adultery, but still having the 5th highest atheism rate in the world, breaking multiple stereotypes,
having the most corrupt government in the world, as well as a complete lack of prisons and a judiciary, but still having one of the lowest crime rates in the world, proving that judiciaries are not required to enforce law and order,
constructing a huge arsenal of Weapons of Mass Destruction for the purpose of supporting the mining industry, the 6th highest in the world, ensuring that multiple miners can earn a living,
Hailing Deep South Borland, a theocratic primitivist nation, for creating a compassionate (6th in the world) and nice (20th in the world) society, with policies such as:
prohibiting video games, the number one cause of crime and violence, resulting in the second lowest crime rate in the world,
compulsory vegetarianism and the prohibition of aircraft, which while has resulted in the nation being ranked as the least technologically advanced, has also resulted in the third most beautiful environment and the second best weather in the world,
requiring all citizens to adhere to the state religion, resulting in them being the most religious in the world, ensuring that the country is free of infidels,
Observing that despite having no official system for arbitration or judicial matters on a national level, Northern Borland went above and beyond and served as the Arbiter General of their region Capitalist Paradise, settling disputes between nations and preventing conflicts from escalating,
Determined to rid of the internationally imposed image that Northern Borland is one of the most ghostly places in the world, and instead celebrate their great strides in lining the pockets of corporations and CEOs as well as formally recognise their status as "A Good Place to Raise Your Business", hereby:
Commends Northern Borland.
