Drop Your Pants
TNPer
The Official Newspaper of Lazarus
Issue VI • May 2016 • Inter-Regional Edition
FOREWORD: The State of the Gazette
By Frankender
By Frankender
The Lazarene Gazette is one that is held with large regard for the quality it is able to churn out each month. In recent times, though, production of the Gazette has been rather sluggish and the amount of contributors has been waning. However, when I was confirmed as Lazarus' newest Minister Steward, I wanted to change that as I believe journalism is one of the best ways to get a deeper connection within NationStates. While I originally intended for a new publication to be released every two weeks, I no longer feel that is necessary nor achievable with the volume of contributions we have within the Gazette. However, the Gazette is once again fully operational and will continue to release a monthly publication for the peoples of Lazarus and her friends. The Gazette is always looking for more contributors, so please make sure to get involved! We at the Gazette always love to see fresh faces.
POLITICAL COMMENTARY
Special Election Takes Centre Stage in Lazarus
By Saeturn Valerius Liberalis
By Saeturn Valerius Liberalis
A new special election is grabbing the attention of Lazarenes this month as four candidates prepare to duke it out for the position of Director of Ceremonies. The position, a post that is responsible for administrating and operating the Grand Assembly of the Phoenix, Lazarus's all-citizen legislature, was abruptly left open in April after previous occupant Starberries resigned due to real life concerns. Her resignation thread quickly turned from kind offers of support to worried questions on who would take her place - the heir presumptive was Caldariat, her Deputy Director of Ceremonies, but it quickly became apparent that the Mandate does not clearly state whether a deputy may take over an elected position after the resignation of their superior.
Thankfully, the Grand Court of Lazarus quickly issued a ruling authored by Court Official Amerion granting the Deputy Director of Ceremonies interim control over affairs of the Grand Assembly. After another constitutional question arose about the legality of special elections, the Court again responded promptly and clarified the legal status of special elections not expressly provided for in the Mandate. With Caldariat able to operate the Grand Assembly and nominations for the Director of Ceremonies special elections able to be opened, Lazarus readied itself for an election to decide who would run its most sacred democratic body.
The election appears to be a four way contest between the incumbent Deputy Director Caldariat, citizens Altmoras and Izon, and former Sovereign and Minister Steward, New Rogernomics. Tensions seem to be flaring as the race heats up, with all four candidates posting campaign threads and some accusations of policy stealing flying about. Nevertheless, the candidates have maintained a largely civil disposition in their conduct, and it is doubtful that any major problems will arise.
Lazarus's one political party, the recently founded People's Popular Front headed by Funkadelia, has not endorsed a candidate. It remains to be seen whether the party will take an active role in the first election held after its foundation.
"The Director of Ceremonies is the beating heart of the Assembly," said Deputy Director Caldariat when asked about what attributes she thinks a good Director candidate needs. "I would look for effectiveness and loyalty."
The Gazette asked New Rogernomics about his motivation to run for Director of Ceremonies. "The same thing that motivates me to run to serve Lazarus in any capacity, which is to encourage a little activity, and do things to make the region a better place to be," he replied. "If Lazarus picks me for the role, I hope it will be on my merits. I'll do the best I can, and if not - there's always other things I can do in Lazarus. I'm really wishing everyone luck, whoever ends up taking the position on. If that's me, then I'll be happy to take on the role."
"I'd like to be a positive force for change and growth within the Assembly and Lazarus as a whole," said Altmoras, echoing New Rogernomics's sentiments. "Perhaps even more than that though what being DoC means for me personally is a chance to prove not just myself, but all the other new people coming in as activity rises. Being Director of Ceremonies and doing my damnedest to do it well means showing everybody in Lazarus whether they've been here since antiquity or they refounded an hour ago that anyone with the determination to do so can make a meaningful impact and have a strong voice in our government. That is my responsibility, not just to reflect well on the office, or me for that matter, but to carry the torch for all the upstarts like me who want to be a positive force in our republic."
Izon was reached out to for comment but did not respond to requests from the Gazette.
As the voting draws nearer, there is little doubt Lazarenes will be watching the campaigning with a close eye. All four candidates clearly have merit, and there are already indications that it will be a close race in the end. It is important for citizens of Lazarus to consider their decision carefully, as the candidate who wins stands to potentially exert considerable influence over the future of the region. Despite the seriousness of the occasion, or perhaps even because of it, a sense of excitement and joy permeates the air in Lazarus as its denizens relish the chance to participate once again in that great institution of politics, democracy.
A New Grand Advisor?
By Altmoras
By Altmoras
The Sverige Union, a relative newcomer in Lazarus made waves when he applied for the vaunted position of Grand Advisor, a position trusted to maintain the security and integrity of the Republic should a coup occur, among other duties. A recently revived nation having come back into existence some months ago and joining the Grand Assembly of the Phoenix even fewer months back, the Sverige Union initially rocketed onto the Lazarene stage via an aggressive campaign of "endo tarting" wherein the nation endorsed hundreds of WA nations en masse in order to reach the top ten in regional endorsements. This practice worked exactly as intended and the Sverige Union quickly rose from the mid twenties to number eight in regional endorsements. This rise was so meteoric in fact that upon reaching the required number of endorsements to apply for Grand Advisor, Sverige Union still didn't possess the required level of influence to do so.
As for what inspired his rise in the ranks, in an interview with the Gazette Sverige Union stated that "[he] wanted to become part of the Lazarene community and be involved with the region," a sentiment that he also expressed in his Grand Advisor application.
Unfortunately for the Sverige Union however, his application to be a Grand Advisor didn't go nearly as well for him as his rise to meet the requirements had done. The application was met with mixed responses from the very start as many Lazarenes expressed an uncertainty in the trustworthiness of the Sverige Union while some others wished to give them the benefit of the doubt. Those opposed to the Sverige Union taking the position primarily stated that the nation was simply too new and unknown, and that merely meeting the gameplay requirements was not enough to be trusted with such an important role in Lazarus' security apparatus.
The argument against the Sverige Union becoming a Grand Advisor seemed to be winning the debate rather decisively until Thursday, May 5th, four days after the submission of the Sverige Union's Grand Advisor application when the nation was abruptly banned from NationStates by a moderator. Initially no reason was given, but according to the Sverige Union himself, "mods are saying it was harassment and puppet spam." The Sverige Union went on to express confusion about both of the charges and deny committing either of them (knowingly, at least). Unfortunately, we only have the word of the mods and the word of the Sverige Union at this point, but regardless, the banning left his Grand Advisor application dead in the water as his number eight position in endorsements vanished in an instant.
RUMORS ABOUT LOFTEGEN
By Sepharist
By Sepharist
Rumors continue to swirl in Lazarus, as new allegations were made against current Sovereign Loftegen by serial accuser Caldariat. Chief amongst the allegations was an assertation that Loftegen was nothing less than the sixth member of the infamous 'Gand of Five', the power hungry miscreants who attempted to seize Lazarus for the New Pacific Order.
Caldariat, a shabbily dressed homeless woman best know for haranguing passersby in Emerald Square (when she isn't panhandling or giving free reign to her delusion of being a K-pop Idol singer) maintains that Loftegen is in cahoots with Stujenske and his cronies to turn Lazarus over to the NPO. These claims and others like them are tweeted daily under the hashtags #LoafyLoftie, #LazyLoftie, #LazySovereign, and so forth. When confronted by this intrepid reporter, Caldariat launched into a spittle spewing screed while waving a half empty bottle of soju, which she sampled liberally during my attempt to interview her. Amongst the many claims Caldariat made was that I, Sepharist, was actually our beloved Sovereign Loftegen in disguise.
"Those cheap Groucho Marx glasses can't fool me," she slurred, repeatedly grabbing at my glasses, or my nose, or my moustache.
"Why would Loftegen stoop to pretending to be a reporter?" I asked. "He may think he's our mostly benevolent dictator, but he still has some scruples."
Caldariat began to mumble a reply, but then realized that she was out of soju, and decided it was time for a nap.
A quick jog across the square brought me to the Sovereign's Palace, and an audience with Loftegen himself. I found our glorious Supreme Autocrat looking out of a mirror, with a pair of Groucho Marx glasses perched upon his regal nose. He took his off at the same time I removed my own.
"You're a handsome devil," he said, trying to butter me up.
"As are you," I replied, not to be outdone.
"Caldariat is spreading rumors about me again, isn't she?" Loftegen said.
I was taken aback. How had he known?
"How did you know?" I asked.
"I know everything," Loftegen said as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.
"You do not," I argued.
"I know what you're thinking right now," Loftegen claimed.
"Do not."
"Do so."
"Not!"
"So!"
"Then I guess there's no point asking any more questions," I said.
"Of course not," Loftegen agreed. "Besides, you've already written down the answers."
A glance at my notepad confirmed that I had, in fact, already written down the answers to the questions I wanted to ask.
"Amazing!" I exclaimed, but our glorious Supreme Autocrat For Life was gone.
Just to make sure he wasn't hiding under his desk again, I snuck boldly into his office, past his ever-vigilant secretary, whose twin sister modeled clothing in the window of a department store on the other side of town. She ignored me, as usual.
Loftegen wasn't hiding under his desk, which was good, since that would have made rifling through the drawers awkward. Hidden away in the very back of the lowest drawer was a map of the region folded up and tucked into a dog-eared copy of Couping Lazarus For Dummies™ that had been signed by Stujenske, Pergamon, A.M.O.M., Feux and Milograd. This was damning evidence if ever I had seen such a thing. At that moment, though, some loose papers fell out of the back of the book. Among them were tickets to an AOA concert, a shopping list that read 'new socks, kimchi, soju, more soju' and an autographed five by eight glossy headshot of Kim Seol-hyun with the note 'for my favorite crazy obsessed stalker fan'.
It was suddenly perfectly clear.
Rivercastle! It was the only explanation that made sense, but would I live to see the story published?