ALICE IN NORTHPACIFICLAND
Starring:
Flemingovia as Alice
Grosseschnauzer (aka “the Accused) as The Knave *
Attorney general Punk D as the White Rabbit
Romanoffia as the Red Queen of Hearts, sitting in judgement
Eleuvatar as The Cheshire Cat (who keeps disappearing all the time)
.
*the Accused does not actually appear at all in the court. Don't try to understand it. this is TNP.
CHAPTER 11
Who Stole the EndoTarts?
The Queen of Hearts was seated on her throne when they arrived, with a great crowd assembled about them—all sorts of little birds and beasts of the Regional Assembly, as well as the whole pack of cards: in front of her was a pile of chains and handcuffs, with a soldier on each side on guard; and nearby was the White Rabbit, with a trumpet in one hand, and a scroll of parchment in the other. In the very middle of the court was a table, with a large dish of endotarts upon it: they looked so good, that it made Alice quite hungry to look at them—'I wish they'd get the trial done,' she thought, 'and hand round the refreshments!' But there seemed to be no chance of this, so she began looking at everything about her, to pass away the time.
Alice had never been in a court of justice before, but she had read about them in books, and she was quite pleased to find that she knew the name of nearly everything there. 'That's the judge,' she said to herself, 'because of the great wig.'
The judge, by the way, was the Queen of Hearts; and as she wore her crown over the wig, she did not look at all comfortable, and it was certainly not becoming.
“Where is the Accused?” asked Alice, "all I see is a pile of chains."
“The Accused is not attending the court.” Said the White Rabbit. “He has sent a note,”
This seemed strange to Alice, but the workings of the Constitutional Court were often strange to her. She continued to look round. 'And those are the justices,' thought Alice, The justices were all writing very busily on slates. 'What are they doing?' Alice whispered to the White Rabbit. 'They can't have anything to put down yet, before the trial's begun.'
'They're putting down their verdict,' the White Rabbit whispered in reply, 'for fear they should forget it before the end of the trial. The Cheshire Cat has already told them that the accused is innocent.'
'Stupid things!' Alice began in a loud, indignant voice, but she stopped hastily, for the White Rabbit cried out, 'Silence in the court!' and the Red Queen put on her spectacles and looked anxiously round, to make out who was talking.
Alice could see, as well as if she were looking over their shoulders, that all the justices were writing down 'stupid things!' on their slates, and she could even make out that one of them didn't know how to spell 'stupid,' and that he had to ask his neighbour to tell him. 'A nice muddle their slates'll be in before the trial's over!' thought Alice.
Attorney General, read the accusation!' said the King.
On this the White Rabbit blew three blasts on the trumpet, and then unrolled the parchment scroll, and read as follows:—
'The knave of hearts is a fraudulent man
And told some lies about Tim
but because he said “I believe”
you have to acquit him.
Announce your verdict,' the Queen said to the justices.
'Not yet, not yet!' the White Rabbit hastily interrupted. 'There's a great deal to come before that!'
'Call the first witness,' said the Queen; and the White Rabbit blew three blasts on the trumpet, and called out, 'First witness!'
The first witness was the Cheshire Cat. As was his way, he faded slowly into view. Alice found this quite disconcerting, especially as the first thing to appear was his smile.
The Queen of Hearts seemed not to notice anything untoward “Present your evidence” she said.
“your Majesty” began the Cheshire Cat, “The Knave of hearts has no case to answer. For he began his statements with the words, “I BELIEVE”. It is well known in Northpacificland that if you start a sentence with “I believe” you can say anything you want, and you cannot be put on trial for it.
Alice Thought about this. She thought about all the absurd things she had heard in Northpacificland, and this seemed to be the most absurd of all. If one could say anything about anyone, without any evidence or reason to back it up, so long as you believed it, then what was the point in having laws about fraud. It was, indeed, absurd.
Now Alice must have said all this out loud, for she noticed that the eyes of the entire court were upon her – and the Red Queen did not look pleased.
“Young Girl,” she said, “Do you not know that in Northpacificland even the most absurd things are true if you believe them? For example, the Knave is on trial for lying about Tim, trying to spoil his election chances by saying that he was going to Coup the Region. It was a lie – yet because the Knave said “I believe”, then it is true and he must be acquitted.
`I can't believe that!' said Alice.
`Can't you?' the Queen said in a pitying tone. `Try again: draw a long breath, and shut your eyes.'
Alice laughed. `There's no use trying,' she said: `one can't believe impossible things.'
`I daresay you haven't had much practice,' said the Queen. `When I was your age, I always did it for half-an-hour a day. Why, sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast.
“Such as?” said Alice, somewhat impudently.
The Queen recited a list, smartly:
“I believe that Tyler will one day hit puberty
I believe that Durk can be trusted with the Regional ban button.
I believe that a member of the Black Hawks may one day lose his virginity.
I believe that Asta is a benevolent dictator.
I believe that the court will one day deliver a sensible verdict.
… and I believe that the Knave of Hearts is innocent of all charges.”
“But all of those things are impossible.” cried Alice, “No wonder everyone thinks the Constitutional Court is a joke!”
“OFF WITH HER HEAD” cried the Red Queen.
The Regional Assembly members rushed to obey the order, tripping over one another in their haste.
It was just another day in the courts of TNP.
Starring:
Flemingovia as Alice
Grosseschnauzer (aka “the Accused) as The Knave *
Attorney general Punk D as the White Rabbit
Romanoffia as the Red Queen of Hearts, sitting in judgement
Eleuvatar as The Cheshire Cat (who keeps disappearing all the time)
.
*the Accused does not actually appear at all in the court. Don't try to understand it. this is TNP.
CHAPTER 11
Who Stole the EndoTarts?
The Queen of Hearts was seated on her throne when they arrived, with a great crowd assembled about them—all sorts of little birds and beasts of the Regional Assembly, as well as the whole pack of cards: in front of her was a pile of chains and handcuffs, with a soldier on each side on guard; and nearby was the White Rabbit, with a trumpet in one hand, and a scroll of parchment in the other. In the very middle of the court was a table, with a large dish of endotarts upon it: they looked so good, that it made Alice quite hungry to look at them—'I wish they'd get the trial done,' she thought, 'and hand round the refreshments!' But there seemed to be no chance of this, so she began looking at everything about her, to pass away the time.
Alice had never been in a court of justice before, but she had read about them in books, and she was quite pleased to find that she knew the name of nearly everything there. 'That's the judge,' she said to herself, 'because of the great wig.'
The judge, by the way, was the Queen of Hearts; and as she wore her crown over the wig, she did not look at all comfortable, and it was certainly not becoming.
“Where is the Accused?” asked Alice, "all I see is a pile of chains."
“The Accused is not attending the court.” Said the White Rabbit. “He has sent a note,”
This seemed strange to Alice, but the workings of the Constitutional Court were often strange to her. She continued to look round. 'And those are the justices,' thought Alice, The justices were all writing very busily on slates. 'What are they doing?' Alice whispered to the White Rabbit. 'They can't have anything to put down yet, before the trial's begun.'
'They're putting down their verdict,' the White Rabbit whispered in reply, 'for fear they should forget it before the end of the trial. The Cheshire Cat has already told them that the accused is innocent.'
'Stupid things!' Alice began in a loud, indignant voice, but she stopped hastily, for the White Rabbit cried out, 'Silence in the court!' and the Red Queen put on her spectacles and looked anxiously round, to make out who was talking.
Alice could see, as well as if she were looking over their shoulders, that all the justices were writing down 'stupid things!' on their slates, and she could even make out that one of them didn't know how to spell 'stupid,' and that he had to ask his neighbour to tell him. 'A nice muddle their slates'll be in before the trial's over!' thought Alice.
Attorney General, read the accusation!' said the King.
On this the White Rabbit blew three blasts on the trumpet, and then unrolled the parchment scroll, and read as follows:—
'The knave of hearts is a fraudulent man
And told some lies about Tim
but because he said “I believe”
you have to acquit him.
Announce your verdict,' the Queen said to the justices.
'Not yet, not yet!' the White Rabbit hastily interrupted. 'There's a great deal to come before that!'
'Call the first witness,' said the Queen; and the White Rabbit blew three blasts on the trumpet, and called out, 'First witness!'
The first witness was the Cheshire Cat. As was his way, he faded slowly into view. Alice found this quite disconcerting, especially as the first thing to appear was his smile.
The Queen of Hearts seemed not to notice anything untoward “Present your evidence” she said.
“your Majesty” began the Cheshire Cat, “The Knave of hearts has no case to answer. For he began his statements with the words, “I BELIEVE”. It is well known in Northpacificland that if you start a sentence with “I believe” you can say anything you want, and you cannot be put on trial for it.
Alice Thought about this. She thought about all the absurd things she had heard in Northpacificland, and this seemed to be the most absurd of all. If one could say anything about anyone, without any evidence or reason to back it up, so long as you believed it, then what was the point in having laws about fraud. It was, indeed, absurd.
Now Alice must have said all this out loud, for she noticed that the eyes of the entire court were upon her – and the Red Queen did not look pleased.
“Young Girl,” she said, “Do you not know that in Northpacificland even the most absurd things are true if you believe them? For example, the Knave is on trial for lying about Tim, trying to spoil his election chances by saying that he was going to Coup the Region. It was a lie – yet because the Knave said “I believe”, then it is true and he must be acquitted.
`I can't believe that!' said Alice.
`Can't you?' the Queen said in a pitying tone. `Try again: draw a long breath, and shut your eyes.'
Alice laughed. `There's no use trying,' she said: `one can't believe impossible things.'
`I daresay you haven't had much practice,' said the Queen. `When I was your age, I always did it for half-an-hour a day. Why, sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast.
“Such as?” said Alice, somewhat impudently.
The Queen recited a list, smartly:
“I believe that Tyler will one day hit puberty
I believe that Durk can be trusted with the Regional ban button.
I believe that a member of the Black Hawks may one day lose his virginity.
I believe that Asta is a benevolent dictator.
I believe that the court will one day deliver a sensible verdict.
… and I believe that the Knave of Hearts is innocent of all charges.”
“But all of those things are impossible.” cried Alice, “No wonder everyone thinks the Constitutional Court is a joke!”
“OFF WITH HER HEAD” cried the Red Queen.
The Regional Assembly members rushed to obey the order, tripping over one another in their haste.
It was just another day in the courts of TNP.
Very clever! What's so perfect is that the original was also political satire. Can we please have a Mad Hatter and a hookah-smoking caterpillar for the next chapter? They are my favorites. 