The Book of Cheese

Chapter I

1. And it came to pass that Flemingovia God wanted to enforce his will over the people of The North Pacific.

2. And Flemingovia, who claimed to be Omnipotent, Omniscient and the One True God filed a complaint before The Great Giver of The Law Grosseschnauzer in an attempt to exterminate all competing religions. (The Flem God Goes Off The Rails)

3. And the Cheese God said unto his earthly representative Romanoffia, "Woe unto the Flemingovia Deity who, claiming Omnipotence, must resort to the earthly courts to enforce his Omnipotence, which, were he indeed the One and Only True God, he would not have to do."

4. And Romanoffia spake, "The Flemingovia Deity is indeed a false God for he has proven so by having to resort to the earthly courts to enforce his omnipotence and desire to forcibly convert or exterminate those who refuse to worship him!" (The Cheese God Speaks Through Romanoffia)

5. And The Cheese God spake this: "The Flemingovia God has clearly transgressed against the boundaries of Good Taste and Private Property. He hath loosed his hoards of Bicyclists upon the peoples of the world and has made his Bicyclists to ride over the flower beds of the people, their cats, dogs and small children in an effort to forcibly convert them."

6. And the The Flemingovian Bicyclists number Four:



7. I watched as the Flem God lifted the lid of the the first of the seven crappers. Then I heard one of the four bicyclists say in a voice like malfunctioning bathroom plumbing, "Come and see!" I looked, and there before me was a white bicycle! Its rider held a whip, and he was given a crown of phlegm, and he rode out as a conqueror bent on conquest. The first rider was called "Jihad" and he rode a white bicycle. He was sent out to ride rough shod over non-Flem believers.

8. When the Flem God opened the second crapper lid, I heard the second bicyclist say, "Come and see!" Then another bicycle rider came out on a fiery red bicycle. Its rider was given power to take cheese from the earth and to make men slay and other wise annoy each other. To him was given a large role of toilet paper upon which was written many inane and nuisance complaints designed to annoy , The Great Giver of The Law Grosseschnauzer.


9. When the Flem God opened the third crapper lid, I heard the third bicyclist say, "Come and see!" I looked, and there before me was a black bicycle! Its rider was holding a pair of turds in his hand. Then I heard what sounded like a voice among the four bicyclists, saying, "A quart of rum for a day's wages, and three quarts of sewerage for a day's wages, and do not damage the porcelain bowl and the toilet paper!" And upon the lid of the third crapper was written, "I am the Flem God, A False God, Worship me or I will file inane complaints against you for the sake of irritating The Great Giver of the Law Grosseschnauzer!"

10. When the Flem God opened the fourth seal, I heard the voice of the fourth bicyclists say, "Come and see!" I looked and there before me was a pale bicycle! Its rider was named Stupidity, and Hell was following close behind him. They were given power over a fourth of the earth to kill by , stupidity, inanity and vein repetitions, and by the filing of nuisance complaints with the intent of annoying Grosseschnauzer The Great Giver of The Law.

11. And then the Flem God opened the last five crapper lids and up sprung more inane complaints and irritations designed to befuddle Grosseschnauzer The Great Giver of The Law.

12. And the Cheese God did a face-palm and laughed.

Very nice attempt, for a first try. Scripture tends to be better punctuated, though.

flemingovia:

Very nice attempt, for a first try. Scripture tends to be better punctuated, though.

Click to expand...

Yeah, but what can you expect when one comes up with this stuff extemporaneously.


Chapter II (a work in progress)

1. And it came to pass that the Romanoffia, Corporate Spokesman and Chief Marketing and Exclusive Distribution Agent for The Great Cheese God, Inc., discovered a great treason committed against The North Pacific by the followers of the Flemingovia God and under the blessings and command of the Flemingovia God. (http://forum.thenorthpacific.org/single/?p=8064171&t=6954427)

2. "And The Proclamation by the Flemingovians spake thus: At the peremptory request and desire of a large majority of the citizens of this Northernmost of Pacifics, I, Astarial, in this the First Year of our Lord Flemingovia, declare and proclaim myself The Most Holy Flemigovian Empress of the North Pacific, and in virtue of the authority thereby in me vested, do hereby order and direct all loyal subjects to assemble before my personage, then and there to pay homage, and to advise myself upon what actions as may ameliorate the evils under which the region is laboring, and thereby cause confidence to exist, both at home and abroad, in our stability, faith and integrity.

- Signed, under the Grace of the one true God Flemingovia, by Her Grace Her Majesty The Empress Astarial
- Issued, under the name and seal of Her Grace Her Majesty The Empress Astarial, by Belschaft, Lord of the Peerage of Thel"

3. And The Great Cheese God spoke unto The God Flemingingovia as said, "surely thou hast indeed defecated upon thine own threshold! And for such, ye shall receive the Wrath of Grosseschnauzer The Great Giver of The Law."

4. And The Great Cheese God spoke again: "Woe unto those who cause great amounts of paperwork to befall Grosseschnauzer the Great Giver of The Law for it shall surely infuriate him and cause him to bathe you in stercis schnauzerae."

5. And thusly, the followers of The Flemingovia God and indeed the Flemingingovia God himself were shown to be fecal plenary and neck deep in the honey pot of the great crapper.

6. And the people rejoiced and feasted upon all manner of really stinky and fermented dairy comestibles.

7. And the Great Cheese God saw that it was good and said, "Yea, though I am just a cartoon character God and nothing more than an Anthropomorphic Personification, I am indeed a powerful Anthropomorphic Personification."

A very interesting Scripture.

8. And it came to pass the that Flem God dispensed his brand of justice in the absence of a temporal court. And the people suffered.

9. And the Cheese God said, "will not the courts of man reform themselves and dispense justice unto themselves instead of letting some ineffective deity dispense faux justice?"

10.) And the followers of the Cheese God laughed their areses off and feasted of fermented dairy products and wine.

The Cheese God has informed me that the End of The World has been preempted because the current batch of Limburger Cheese isn't quite ready yet.

How disappointing

Just wait until the Limburger is ripe. You will wish the Mayans were right!