TRIAL BY JURY
A NOVEL AND ORIGINAL
Dramatic Cantata
by
Flemingovia
(based on the events of the JAL trial and an original opera by Gilbert and Sullivan)
Dramatis Personæ
The Court Usher: Narrator of the tale.
Grimalkin: The Chief Justice
Eluvatar: The Attorney general
Hileville: Not sure what he does, but he chips in from time to time
JAL: The Defendant (Absent)
chorus of Jurors and former justices.
Flemingovia: Counsel for the defence.
Scene. – A Court of Justice.
Chorus:
Hark, the hour of ten is sounding;
Hearts with anxious fears are bounding,
Hall of Justice crowds surrounding,
Breathing hope and fear –
For to-day in this arena,
Summoned by a stern subpœna,
JAL, sued by Eluvatar,
Shortly will appear.
SOLO – Usher.
Now, Justices, hear my advice –
All kinds of vulgar prejudice
I pray you set aside:
With stern judicial frame of mind
From bias free of every kind,
This trial must be tried.
Chorus:
Whatever case may now be built,
We will eventually declare JAL’s guilt.
Usher:
Oh, listen to Eluvatar’s case:
Observe the features of his face –
The broken-hearted Attorney.
Condole with his distress of mind:
From bias free of every kind,
This trial must be tried!
Chorus.
Whatever case may now be built,
We will eventually declare JAL’s guilt.
Usher.
And when amid the Attorney’s shrieks,
The ruffianly defendce counsel speaks –
Upon the other side;
What he may say you needn’t mind –
From bias free of every kind!
This trial must be tried!
Chorus.
Whatever case may now be built,
We will eventually declare JAL’s guilt.
(Enter Grimalkin, the judge.)
RECITATIVE – Grimalkin.
Is this the Court of the Exchequer?
All.
It is!
Grimalkin (aside).
Be firm, be firm, my pecker,*
Your evil star’s in the ascendant!
(*aside to TNP: You may be surprised to learn that this line was included in the original Gilbert and Sullivan Opera. I keep it here for historical accuracy, not to make any assumption that Grimalk has a pecker)
All.
Who are you?
Grimalkin.
I’m the Judge!
RECITATIVE – Usher
Silence in Court!
Silence in Court, and all attention lend.
Behold your Judge! In due submission bend!
Chorus:
All hail, great Judge!
To your bright rays
We never grudge
Ecstatic praise.
All hail!
May each decree
As statute rank
And never be
Reversed in banc.
All hail!
Grimalkin:
For these kind words accept my thanks, I pray.
But we must move to a serious thing
A Charge of treason we’ve to try to-day
And Elu has charges to bring!
I’ll give Eluvatar one day the charges to file
So a case against JAL can be built
He’s plenty of time a case to compile
So I can declare JAL’s guilt.
Chorus.
Whatever case Eluvatar has built,
We will eventually declare JAL’s guilt.
Eluvatar:
24 Hours! It cannot be done!
I need another six months to prepare
There’s every kind of spin to be spun
Any less time would be unfair!
Chorus.
Don’t worry - Whatever case may now be built,
We will eventually declare JAL’s guilt.
Grimalkin:
One day or less! You need to work fast
I will not give you an extra minute
(whispers) But don’t worry Elu, when the deadline is passed
You can still go ahead and file suit!
(Grimalkin winks at Eluvatar)
(interval of 22 hours)
Grimalkin:
Your time is up! You are remiss
No need to enter a plea!
I declare this case I must dismiss
And set JAL free!
Chorus.
Alas no case may now be built,
That will allow us to declare JAL’s guilt.
Eluvatar
Let me speak!
All.
Let him speak.
Eluvatar:
Let me speak!
All.
Yes, let him speak, etc.
Hush! hush! He speaks.
Eluvatar (on IRC)
When I was a young man this trial began
A full six months ago
I’ve spun it out as long as I can
Quite why I’m afraid I don’t know.
But I block every move that would cut this trial short
And so I must overrule this decision
In IRC I decided Grimalkin to thwart
And force a dismissal revision!
I am utterly aghast
I tend to work to the wire
You closed proceedings far too fast
Less time than I require!
Hileville (on IRC)
You closed proceedings far too fast
Less time than he requires!
Eluvatar (On IRC)
More time I do require
Hileville (on IRC)
More time he does require
Eluvatar (On IRC, building to a crescendo)
Give me more Time! More Time! More Time! More Time!
Grimalkin (interrupts)
Enough! No more! I lack the will
To stand up to this bloc!
Although as a judge I’m sad to admit
I cannot read a clock.
For tho’ I’m versed in Latin and Greek
And my grasp of law is sublime
My horological sense is pathetically weak
- I cannot tell the time.
Chorus. (whispers)
It seems we have a judge on our hands
Who cannot tell the time
Grimalkin (weeping)
When I became a judge of this pacific
Nobody asked if I could read a watch
So it seems this trial must go on as planned
I’m sorry I made such a botch.
Eluvatar has pointed out the error of my ways
So I will not do as I ought
Even after six months of endless delays
I will bring this trial to court!
Chorus.
Hurrah! A case may now be built,
So we can all declare JAL’s guilt.
(enter Flemingovia)
What now? This farce has gone on too long
With mistrials and verdicts o’erturned
The time has come now to right all the wrongs
No verdict may now be returned!
For JAL and I will no more dance this dance
And tho’ this will leave you grieving
You’ve had six months – You’ve had your chance
So JAL and I are now leaving
(Exit all, except Eluvatar and Grimalkin, who stand alone on stage. Dim lights)
Grimalkin:
All the legal furies seize you!
No proposal seems to please you,
I can’t sit up here all day, I must shortly get away.
Barristers, and you, attorneys,
Set out on your homeward journeys:
Since this trial I cannot attempt,
I will get Flem to commit contempt!
(lights dim, leaving the stage in darkness)
Narrator:
So now to the moral of this tale of woe
A trial that began six months ago
It was started to justify an unjust decision
And opened the region to scorn and derision.
So, TNP, if you want to deal with crime
PLEASE elect a justice who can tell the time.
A NOVEL AND ORIGINAL
Dramatic Cantata
by
Flemingovia
(based on the events of the JAL trial and an original opera by Gilbert and Sullivan)
Dramatis Personæ
The Court Usher: Narrator of the tale.
Grimalkin: The Chief Justice
Eluvatar: The Attorney general
Hileville: Not sure what he does, but he chips in from time to time
JAL: The Defendant (Absent)
chorus of Jurors and former justices.
Flemingovia: Counsel for the defence.
Scene. – A Court of Justice.
Chorus:
Hark, the hour of ten is sounding;
Hearts with anxious fears are bounding,
Hall of Justice crowds surrounding,
Breathing hope and fear –
For to-day in this arena,
Summoned by a stern subpœna,
JAL, sued by Eluvatar,
Shortly will appear.
SOLO – Usher.
Now, Justices, hear my advice –
All kinds of vulgar prejudice
I pray you set aside:
With stern judicial frame of mind
From bias free of every kind,
This trial must be tried.
Chorus:
Whatever case may now be built,
We will eventually declare JAL’s guilt.
Usher:
Oh, listen to Eluvatar’s case:
Observe the features of his face –
The broken-hearted Attorney.
Condole with his distress of mind:
From bias free of every kind,
This trial must be tried!
Chorus.
Whatever case may now be built,
We will eventually declare JAL’s guilt.
Usher.
And when amid the Attorney’s shrieks,
The ruffianly defendce counsel speaks –
Upon the other side;
What he may say you needn’t mind –
From bias free of every kind!
This trial must be tried!
Chorus.
Whatever case may now be built,
We will eventually declare JAL’s guilt.
(Enter Grimalkin, the judge.)
RECITATIVE – Grimalkin.
Is this the Court of the Exchequer?
All.
It is!
Grimalkin (aside).
Be firm, be firm, my pecker,*
Your evil star’s in the ascendant!
(*aside to TNP: You may be surprised to learn that this line was included in the original Gilbert and Sullivan Opera. I keep it here for historical accuracy, not to make any assumption that Grimalk has a pecker)
All.
Who are you?
Grimalkin.
I’m the Judge!
RECITATIVE – Usher
Silence in Court!
Silence in Court, and all attention lend.
Behold your Judge! In due submission bend!
Chorus:
All hail, great Judge!
To your bright rays
We never grudge
Ecstatic praise.
All hail!
May each decree
As statute rank
And never be
Reversed in banc.
All hail!
Grimalkin:
For these kind words accept my thanks, I pray.
But we must move to a serious thing
A Charge of treason we’ve to try to-day
And Elu has charges to bring!
I’ll give Eluvatar one day the charges to file
So a case against JAL can be built
He’s plenty of time a case to compile
So I can declare JAL’s guilt.
Chorus.
Whatever case Eluvatar has built,
We will eventually declare JAL’s guilt.
Eluvatar:
24 Hours! It cannot be done!
I need another six months to prepare
There’s every kind of spin to be spun
Any less time would be unfair!
Chorus.
Don’t worry - Whatever case may now be built,
We will eventually declare JAL’s guilt.
Grimalkin:
One day or less! You need to work fast
I will not give you an extra minute
(whispers) But don’t worry Elu, when the deadline is passed
You can still go ahead and file suit!
(Grimalkin winks at Eluvatar)
(interval of 22 hours)
Grimalkin:
Your time is up! You are remiss
No need to enter a plea!
I declare this case I must dismiss
And set JAL free!
Chorus.
Alas no case may now be built,
That will allow us to declare JAL’s guilt.
Eluvatar
Let me speak!
All.
Let him speak.
Eluvatar:
Let me speak!
All.
Yes, let him speak, etc.
Hush! hush! He speaks.
Eluvatar (on IRC)
When I was a young man this trial began
A full six months ago
I’ve spun it out as long as I can
Quite why I’m afraid I don’t know.
But I block every move that would cut this trial short
And so I must overrule this decision
In IRC I decided Grimalkin to thwart
And force a dismissal revision!
I am utterly aghast
I tend to work to the wire
You closed proceedings far too fast
Less time than I require!
Hileville (on IRC)
You closed proceedings far too fast
Less time than he requires!
Eluvatar (On IRC)
More time I do require
Hileville (on IRC)
More time he does require
Eluvatar (On IRC, building to a crescendo)
Give me more Time! More Time! More Time! More Time!
Grimalkin (interrupts)
Enough! No more! I lack the will
To stand up to this bloc!
Although as a judge I’m sad to admit
I cannot read a clock.
For tho’ I’m versed in Latin and Greek
And my grasp of law is sublime
My horological sense is pathetically weak
- I cannot tell the time.
Chorus. (whispers)
It seems we have a judge on our hands
Who cannot tell the time
Grimalkin (weeping)
When I became a judge of this pacific
Nobody asked if I could read a watch
So it seems this trial must go on as planned
I’m sorry I made such a botch.
Eluvatar has pointed out the error of my ways
So I will not do as I ought
Even after six months of endless delays
I will bring this trial to court!
Chorus.
Hurrah! A case may now be built,
So we can all declare JAL’s guilt.
(enter Flemingovia)
What now? This farce has gone on too long
With mistrials and verdicts o’erturned
The time has come now to right all the wrongs
No verdict may now be returned!
For JAL and I will no more dance this dance
And tho’ this will leave you grieving
You’ve had six months – You’ve had your chance
So JAL and I are now leaving
(Exit all, except Eluvatar and Grimalkin, who stand alone on stage. Dim lights)
Grimalkin:
All the legal furies seize you!
No proposal seems to please you,
I can’t sit up here all day, I must shortly get away.
Barristers, and you, attorneys,
Set out on your homeward journeys:
Since this trial I cannot attempt,
I will get Flem to commit contempt!
(lights dim, leaving the stage in darkness)
Narrator:
So now to the moral of this tale of woe
A trial that began six months ago
It was started to justify an unjust decision
And opened the region to scorn and derision.
So, TNP, if you want to deal with crime
PLEASE elect a justice who can tell the time.
