Shoeless Joe And the Holy Grail – Act 2
After failing to convince the TNP natives that they should support the Delegacy bestowed on him by HEM (read act 1), Shoeless Joe is obliged to secure his delelgacy my military force. He first exiles Dalimbar from the Region, then marshals his forces (both of them) and marches on the menacing forum of …… z13.
[clop clop]
Shoeless Joe: Halt! Hallo! Hallo!
FLEMINGOVIA: 'Allo! Who is zis?
SHOELESS JOE: It is Delegate Shoeless Joe, and these are HEMian underlings. Who's forum is this?
FLEMINGOVIA: This is the forum of the people of the North Pacific. We chose it, you see. Who are you foreign types?
SHOELESS JOE: Foreign types? I will have you know that I am TNP through and through. I have been in the region since last Tuesday
FLEMINGOVIA: And where were you before that?
SHOELESS JOE: Before that I was … I was … I was … Never mind about that. I refuse to answer questions about where I have been these last few months. What is important is this: Go and tell your people that we have been charged by HEM with a sacred quest. HEM has made you a new forum. You are ordered to come there and join the quest for a new constitution. It’s entirely voluntary, and you can vote FOR or FOR the constitution HEM has written for you.
FLEMINGOVIA: Well, I'll ask them, but I don't think we'll be very keen………. Uh, we’ve already got one, you see?
SHOELESS JOE: What?
BIYAH: He says they've already got one!
SHOELESS JOE: Are you sure you’ve got one?
FLEMINGOVIA: Oh, yes, it's very nice-a [To Others] I told him we already got one.
OTHERS: [Laughing]
SHOELESS JOE: Well, um, can we come up and have a look?
FLEMINGOVIA: Of course not! You are foreign invader types-a!
SHOELESS JOE: Well, what are you then?
FLEMINGOVIA: I'm North Pacifican! Why do think I have this outrageous accent, you silly delegate!
BIYAH: It’s our region now. Why are you still here?
FLEMINGOVIA: Mind your own business!
SHOELESS JOE: If you will not show us the Constuitution, we shall take your region by force!
FLEMINGOVIA: You don't frighten us, you pig-dogs! Go and boil your bottoms, sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you, so-called Shoeless Joe-delegate, you and all your silly foreign kaniggets. Thppppt!
BIYAH: What a strange person.
SHOELESS JOE: Now look here, my good man!
FLEMINGOVIA: I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough whopper! I fart in your general direction! You mother was a hamster and your father smelt of eldeberries.
HEM (for it is she): Is there someone else up there we could talk to?
FLEMINGOVIA: No, now go away or I shall taunt you a second time-a!
SHOELESS JOE: Now, this is your last chance. I've been more than reasonable.
FLEMINGOVIA: (Fetchez la vache.)
wha?
FLEMINGOVIA: (Fetchez la vache!)
[moo]
SHOELESS JOE: If you do not agree to my commands, then I shall--
[twong: a cow is launched over the battlements]
[mooooooo]
Jesus Christ!
Right! Charge!
ALL: Charge!
[mayhem]
FLEMINGOVIA: Ah, this one is for your mother!
[twong]
ALL: Run away!
FLEMINGOVIA: Thpppt!
BIYAH: Fiends! I'll tear them apart!
SHOELESS JOE: No no, no.
HEM: This is not working. Honestly – God! – do I have to do everything myself in this damn coup? HEM makes the forum, HEM makes the constitution, HEM chooses the delegate. Bloody useless lot. Remind me next time to choose a better puppet. …. Look. I’ve got a plan……..
[later]
[ A large wooden rabbit on wheels is pushed up against the walls of z13. From a hillside nearby HEM and her lackeys watch on}
[rumble rumble squeak]
MUTTERING FLEMINGOVIAS: ce labon a bunny do
wha?
un cadeau?
a present!
oh, un cadeau.
oui oui hurry!
wha-?
let's go!
[rumble rumble squeak: the rabbit is pulled inside the forum]
SHOELESS JOE: What happens now?
HEM: Well, now, uh, BIYAH, SHOELESS JOE, and I wait until nightfall, and then leap out of the rabbit, taking the North Pacificans by surprise -- not only by surprise, but totally unarmed!
SHOELESS JOE: Who leaps out?
HEM: Uh, you, BIYAH and I. Uh, leap out of the rabbit, uh and uh....
SHOELESS JOE: Oh....
HEM: Oh.... Um, l-look, if we built this large wooden badger--
[twong: a cow is catapulted over the battlements of z13 ]
ALL: Run away! Run away! Run away! Run away!
[splat]
FLEMINGOVIA: Oh, haw haw haw.
After failing to convince the TNP natives that they should support the Delegacy bestowed on him by HEM (read act 1), Shoeless Joe is obliged to secure his delelgacy my military force. He first exiles Dalimbar from the Region, then marshals his forces (both of them) and marches on the menacing forum of …… z13.
[clop clop]
Shoeless Joe: Halt! Hallo! Hallo!
FLEMINGOVIA: 'Allo! Who is zis?
SHOELESS JOE: It is Delegate Shoeless Joe, and these are HEMian underlings. Who's forum is this?
FLEMINGOVIA: This is the forum of the people of the North Pacific. We chose it, you see. Who are you foreign types?
SHOELESS JOE: Foreign types? I will have you know that I am TNP through and through. I have been in the region since last Tuesday
FLEMINGOVIA: And where were you before that?
SHOELESS JOE: Before that I was … I was … I was … Never mind about that. I refuse to answer questions about where I have been these last few months. What is important is this: Go and tell your people that we have been charged by HEM with a sacred quest. HEM has made you a new forum. You are ordered to come there and join the quest for a new constitution. It’s entirely voluntary, and you can vote FOR or FOR the constitution HEM has written for you.
FLEMINGOVIA: Well, I'll ask them, but I don't think we'll be very keen………. Uh, we’ve already got one, you see?
SHOELESS JOE: What?
BIYAH: He says they've already got one!
SHOELESS JOE: Are you sure you’ve got one?
FLEMINGOVIA: Oh, yes, it's very nice-a [To Others] I told him we already got one.
OTHERS: [Laughing]
SHOELESS JOE: Well, um, can we come up and have a look?
FLEMINGOVIA: Of course not! You are foreign invader types-a!
SHOELESS JOE: Well, what are you then?
FLEMINGOVIA: I'm North Pacifican! Why do think I have this outrageous accent, you silly delegate!
BIYAH: It’s our region now. Why are you still here?
FLEMINGOVIA: Mind your own business!
SHOELESS JOE: If you will not show us the Constuitution, we shall take your region by force!
FLEMINGOVIA: You don't frighten us, you pig-dogs! Go and boil your bottoms, sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you, so-called Shoeless Joe-delegate, you and all your silly foreign kaniggets. Thppppt!
BIYAH: What a strange person.
SHOELESS JOE: Now look here, my good man!
FLEMINGOVIA: I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough whopper! I fart in your general direction! You mother was a hamster and your father smelt of eldeberries.
HEM (for it is she): Is there someone else up there we could talk to?
FLEMINGOVIA: No, now go away or I shall taunt you a second time-a!
SHOELESS JOE: Now, this is your last chance. I've been more than reasonable.
FLEMINGOVIA: (Fetchez la vache.)
wha?
FLEMINGOVIA: (Fetchez la vache!)
[moo]
SHOELESS JOE: If you do not agree to my commands, then I shall--
[twong: a cow is launched over the battlements]
[mooooooo]
Jesus Christ!
Right! Charge!
ALL: Charge!
[mayhem]
FLEMINGOVIA: Ah, this one is for your mother!
[twong]
ALL: Run away!
FLEMINGOVIA: Thpppt!
BIYAH: Fiends! I'll tear them apart!
SHOELESS JOE: No no, no.
HEM: This is not working. Honestly – God! – do I have to do everything myself in this damn coup? HEM makes the forum, HEM makes the constitution, HEM chooses the delegate. Bloody useless lot. Remind me next time to choose a better puppet. …. Look. I’ve got a plan……..
[later]
[ A large wooden rabbit on wheels is pushed up against the walls of z13. From a hillside nearby HEM and her lackeys watch on}
[rumble rumble squeak]
MUTTERING FLEMINGOVIAS: ce labon a bunny do
wha?
un cadeau?
a present!
oh, un cadeau.
oui oui hurry!
wha-?
let's go!
[rumble rumble squeak: the rabbit is pulled inside the forum]
SHOELESS JOE: What happens now?
HEM: Well, now, uh, BIYAH, SHOELESS JOE, and I wait until nightfall, and then leap out of the rabbit, taking the North Pacificans by surprise -- not only by surprise, but totally unarmed!
SHOELESS JOE: Who leaps out?
HEM: Uh, you, BIYAH and I. Uh, leap out of the rabbit, uh and uh....
SHOELESS JOE: Oh....
HEM: Oh.... Um, l-look, if we built this large wooden badger--
[twong: a cow is catapulted over the battlements of z13 ]
ALL: Run away! Run away! Run away! Run away!
[splat]
FLEMINGOVIA: Oh, haw haw haw.
