[DRAFT] Commend Improving Wordiness

mcmasterdonia

mcmasterdonia

Just like a queef in the wind, so is life
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TNP Nation
McMasterdonia
Here is a draft I have been working on:

The World Assembly,

Acknowledges that Improving Wordiness is one of the most admired and universally respected nations within 10000 Islands. Since their creation in 2009, the nation has served as Minister of Labour and continues to actively serve in the Ten Thousand Island Treaty Organisation (TITO) as the 39th TITO Knight and as TITO Field Commander since November 2011.

Further Acknowledges that Improving Wordiness was bestowed the highest award & honour granted from the Council of 9 of 10000 Islands, the Heart of the Islands Award. This prestigious award was granted to Improving Wordiness due to the nation representing the embodiment of the spirit of 10000 Islands and their contribution to the continued security, prosperity and the cultural development of the region for an extended period of time.

Asserts that the military expertise, leadership capabilities and kind nature of Improving Wordiness have long been recognised in the Founderless Regions Alliance defender awards. These awards have a long tradition of awarding defender excellence & are broadly recognised as the top awards in the defender sphere. To date, the nation has been awarded the defender of the year award, the Sir Lans award on two occasions and the best newcomer of the year award.

Observes that Improving Wordiness has defended more than 440 regions to date. This seasoned veteran played a key role in the June 2010 defence of South America, the largest defence in modern times, mobilising more than 70 TITO members and an additional 30 unaffiliated nations facilitating the liberation of the region from raider forces.

Applauds Improving Wordiness’ dedication to the protection of regional sovereignty and the right of regional self determination. Under the command of this nation, TITO has successfully refounded numerous regions for their residents, most notably: The Skeleton Army, Deutschland, USA and Utopia. These regions were subsequently restored to native control.

Appreciates Improving Wordiness' positive contribution to Osiris in its early days. Specifically, through the nation Sichuan Pepper, its efforts in providing the stabilizing conditions under which Osiris residents could elect their Delegate to form Osiris's first government without hindrance or threat from external parties. Applauding Improving Wordiness' impartiality and fortitude in the face of adversity and criticism, taking on what was a difficult and unpopular task to protect democracy.

Believes that the efforts and contributions of Improving Wordiness to 10000 Islands and numerous regions across NationStates are deserving of recognition and praise;

Hereby Commends Improving Wordiness.
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The World Assembly,

Acknowledges that Improving Wordiness is one of the most admired and universally respected nations within 10000 Islands. Improving Wordiness has served as Minister of Labour and continues to actively serve in the Ten Thousand Island Treaty Organisation (TITO) since 2009 as the 39th TITO Knight and as TITO Field Commander since November 2011. Improving Wordiness was awarded the Heart of the Islands award in recognition of their constant efforts in ensuring the continued cultural development, security, and prosperity of 10000 Islands.

Asserts that the military expertise, leadership capabilities and kind nature of Improving Wordiness have long been recognised in the Founderless Regions Alliance defender awards. To date, Improving Wordiness has been awarded the defender of the year award and the Sir Lans award on two occasions as well as the best newcomer of the year award.

Observes that Improving Wordiness has defended more than 440 regions to date. Improving Wordiness was a leading nation in the June 2010 liberation of South America, the largest liberation in modern times. Improving Wordiness mobilised more than 70 TITO members and an additional 30 unaffiliated nations to liberate the region from raider forces.

Applauds Improving Wordiness’ dedication to the protection of regional sovereignty and the right of regional self determination. Under the command of Improving Wordiness, TITO has successfully refounded numerous regions for their residents, most notably: The Skeleton Army, Deutschland, USA and Utopia. These regions were subsequently restored to native control.

Appreciates the efforts of Improving Wordiness in securing the first delegacy of Osiris as Sichuan Pepper, to prevent the region from being snatched in a power grab by various factions from across the ideological spectrum. Improving Wordiness held the region without preference for any faction and ensured that the first Delegate of Osiris was determined in democratic elections by the residents and not by force.

Believing that the efforts and contributions of Improving Wordiness to 10000 Islands and numerous regions across NationStates are deserving of recognition and praise;

Hereby Commends Improving Wordiness.
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Appreciates the efforts of Improving Wordiness in securing the first delegacy of Osiris as Sichuan Pepper, to prevent the region from being snatched in a power grab by various factions from across the ideological spectrum. Improving Wordiness held the region without preference for any faction and ensured that the first Delegate of Osiris was determined in democratic elections by the residents and not by force.
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This is patently untrue. Wordy did hold it with preference for any faction that wasn't Kain the Dragon or others that were either raider or NPO-aligned.

She banned numerous raiders and then held elections on the NS forum run by AMOM - who wasn't an Osirian - and didn't allow anyone she'd banned back into the region so they could meet the criteria to run in the election. TITO and Wordy have many positive contributions that should be commended.

Their invasion of Osiris is not one of them.
 
Meh....

TITO was already commended. Is that not good enough? AD deserved her commendation for what she has done for 10K, but Wordy in my opinion really hasn't done that much. Just another defender....
 
Chester Pearson:
Meh....

TITO was already commended. Is that not good enough? AD deserved her commendation for what she has done for 10K, but Wordy in my opinion really hasn't done that much. Just another defender....
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AD = he :P

I respectfully disagree. Improving Wordiness has contributed greatly to a great number of regions with her work. The refounding process in particular is exhaustive and draining on the military and it's commanders. Yet still, they persists and they are extremely successful at what they do.

Her achievements while serving as TITO Field Commander are commend worthy in my opinion. She has demonstrated a continuous support for regional sovereignty and has taken steps to protect that. One such example was the deployment of many TITO members during the coup of the South Pacific, this assistance was crucial in taking the region at the final update.

Given that she has consistently been one of the few defenders from an individual region to maintain a constant presence on the battlefield against raiders, and her consistent deployment of TITO in numerous defender operations over the past couple of years, I believe she has demonstrated that her actions are commendable.

It is rare to see a regional army that is out defending on it's own accord. Especially one that can manage to do it in the large numbers that TITO manages to do on occasion. When it comes to defender piling, there is no defender organisation that can rival them in terms of numbers.



New draft is up. Not sure if I like it better or not, but we'll see.
 
I like this proposal and overall I will support it. Good job. Here are some comments (on the second draft).

Acknowledges that Improving Wordiness is one of the most admired and universally respected nations within 10000 Islands. The nation has served as Minister of Labour and continues to actively serve in the Ten Thousand Island Treaty Organisation (TITO) since 2009 as the 39th TITO Knight and as TITO Field Commander since November 2011. They were awarded bestowed the Heart of the Islands award in recognition of their constant efforts in ensuring the continued cultural development, security, and prosperity of 10000 Islands.
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Minor edit to avoid repetition. I would suggest making a couple of additions:
1) Mention the founding date or duration of service (years since founding) for Wordy's nation in the first sentence. Something like "Acknowleges that Improving Wordiness has, ever since its creation on [DATE], become one of the most admired and universally respected nations within 10000 Islands".
2) Mention some details about the "Heard of the Islands" award, to explain why it's an important award. For example, Durk has been awarded the NP Order of Merit, but that's hardly something to mention in a commendation :P . You can mention that it is an award given very rarely, or that it's the most important TITO award, or that it has very few recipients, whichever of these are applicable.

Asserts that the military expertise, leadership capabilities and kind nature of Improving Wordiness have long been recognised in the Founderless Regions Alliance defender awards. To date, the nation has been awarded the defender of the year award and the Sir Lans award on two occasions as well as the best newcomer of the year award.
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As above, it would be worth mentioning something about both the FRA awards in general, and the awards Wordy has won in particular. You could mention that the FRA awards have a long tradition of awarding excellence, are broadly recognized as the top awards in the defender community, and gather voters from all major defender groups. I would also definitely explain what the Sir Lans award is given for.

Observes that Improving Wordiness has defended more than 440 regions to date. This seasoned veteran played a key role in the June 2010 defence of South America, the largest defence in modern times. In particular, by mobilising more than 70 TITO members and an additional 30 unaffiliated nations facilitating the liberation of the region from raider forces.
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This clause doesn't make sense syntactically. See a suggested edit. It may also be worth mentioning the total number of defender units mobilized, for perspective.

Applauds Improving Wordiness' dedication to the protection of regional sovereignty and the right of regional self determination protection and security of native communities. Under the command of this nation, TITO has successfully refounded numerous regions for their residents, most notably: The Skeleton Army, Deutschland, USA and Utopia. These regions were subsequently restored to native control.
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I am not at all fond of the way "regional sovereignty" is mentioned here. It seems to imply that protection of regional sovereignty is linked exclusively to defending, a proposal I fundamentally disagree with. I include a suggested edit above.

Appreciates the efforts of Improving Wordiness in securing the first delegacy of Osiris as Sichuan Pepper, to prevent the region from being snatched in a power grab by various factions from across the ideological spectrum. Improving Wordiness held the region without preference for any faction and ensured that the first Pharaoh of Osiris was determined in democratic elections by the residents and not by force.
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Like Nierr, I have objections to this clause. AD in the SC thread suggested an alternative wording, which I like better.

Believing Believes that the efforts and contributions of Improving Wordiness to 10000 Islands and numerous regions across NationStates are deserving of recognition and praise;
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Minor edit for stylistic consistency.
 
I will make most of the changes that you have suggested. Will need to find out a little bit more about the hearts of the island award. I have also made the change suggested by GRO, which I somehow missed the last time.

The regional sovereignty clause I would prefer to be left in as it is referring to the act of assisting regions to refound, which protects their regional sovereignty and gives them the ability to determine their own fate free of foreign influence (with a founder).
 
I've heard a lot about wordy, never had the pleasure myself, but from what I do know, I'd be in agreement with Mall. I think the draft itself is pretty solid although I can't help but feel it's just missing something to really make it sparkle. For the life of me though I can't quite place my finger on what it could be though.
 
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