- Pronouns
- He/Him, They/Them
Most of Trump's cabinet has been announced, with only a few open spots left, most notably Agriculture and Veterans Affairs, so I thought I'd rank who has been nominated thus far:
Secretary of the Treasury: Steven Mnuchin: If ever a Steve was going to be a Steven, it'd be Mnuchin. I mean just look at him, has there ever been a person who looked more like a Steven? Anyway, Mnuchin is a former Wall Street banker spending 17 years at Goldman Sachs before leaving in 2002 and buying failed bank IndyMac in during the 2008 crisis. Mnuchin was noted for how his rebranded OneWest Bank aggressively forclosed on possibly thousands of individuals. Has donated to both Republicans and Democrats. Knows money and is a prick. 6/10 would be higher but helped finance Avatar.
Secretary of Defense: James Mattis: A military man since 1969, former Commander of United States Central Command and collector of bad ass nick names, such as "Mad Dog" and "Chaos", Mattis is an Obama critic, despite being given his most important role to date by him. Ungrateful prick. Disagrees with Trump over US allies in the Middle East, and over Putin and NATO. Pro-two state solution in Israel. Typical military man in that he wants a military confrontation with Iran and thinks the Nuclear Deal will provide better targets if it comes to war. 7/10 for baller nicknames.
Secretary of State: Rex Tillerson: Then there's this twat. Let's just get out the checklist. Former Oil executive? Check. Ties with Russia? Check. Against sanctions? Check. Supports TPP? Check. GOP donor to the tune of hundreds of thousands of dollars? Check. Basically this guy? Check. Still, at least he got the Boy Scouts of America to rescind their ban on the gays. 2/10 fucking hell Trump.
Interior Secretary: Ryan Zinke: Trump loves the military boys. Ex-Navy SEAL and GOP Representative. Climate change sceptic, anti-abortion and referred to Hilary Clinton as 'the anti-christ'. Probably a dickhead. Studied geology at college and is anti-transferring federal land to the states. 4/10 more information needed.
Attorney General: Jeff Sessions: Do weekend soldiers count as military men? Sessions is a former reservist and rose to the lofty heights of captain back in the 70s. Early Trump campaign supporter and failed Reagan nominee to the District Court. Probably a racist. Probably. Former US Attorney, which is surprising since Trump doesn't seem the sort of person to appoint qualified people. Pro-torture, anti-immigration, pro-war in Iraq. Thinks opponents to his stances are communists. Pro-theft/civil forfeiture. Voted against repealing DADT, voted against the Matthew Shepard Act, voted for the Federal Marriage Amendment in 2004 and 2006. Massive prick. 5/10 will be competent but is objectively evil.
Secretary of Commerce: Wilbur Ross: Specialist in saving bankrupted companies and restructuring them, making a shitton of money in the process. Billionaire. Older than time itself. Former Democrat and did some stuff in the Bill Clinton Presidency. 5/10 will do well for the 5 months he's still alive.
Secretary of Transportation: Elaine Chao: Taiwan-born wife of noted turtle and Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell. Knows transportation having served as Dep Sec under Bush Snr. Secretary of Labor under Bush Jnr. Another banker. Failed as Secretary of Labor to investigate thousands of complaints that employers were not paying the right amount to employees. Resigned from Bloomberg over its sponsoring of the Sierra Club's "Beyond Coal" initiative, so probably another climate sceptic. Hooray. 7/10 not terrible.
Secretary of Health: Tom Price: Actual doctor, so that's 2/2 for the Trump Transition Team for nominees with experience in their field. Voted against funding NPR, voted for extending the Patriot Act. Anti-abortion, anti-gun control, anti-gay marriage, anti-discrimination legislation, against repealing DADT, against climate change laws, did I mention he was a republican or was that list not yet evidence enough? 2/10 Points for being a doctor and not much else.
Secretary of Labor: Andrew Puzder: So old and white he could be Tom Price. I legitimately can't tell the two of them apart. Price is the one with hair. I think. Former radical who attended Kent State University but dropped out following the shootings. Lawyer. Anti-abortion. Successfully turned around CKE Restaurants which is a restaurant chain of some kind. Doesn't think the government can create jobs, which ironically and horrifically is his fucking job now. 4/10 Because at least he's not Tom Price.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development: Bend fuckin Carson: Fucking really? Of all the people who ran against you in the GOP nomination process you chose this fucking idiot? At least Christie would've been amusing. The only benefit Carson has is if he's the Designated Survivor the country will be recovered by the time he fucking realises it. Oh, yeah, and he's a brain surgeon or something. 3/10 fuck this guy.
Secretary of Education: Betsy DeVos: Wins 'best name'. Advocate of school voucher programs and charter school. Just a shame she's fucking terrible at organising them. Even charter school advocates don't want shit to do with her. Still, the GOP are probably going to try to abolish the DoEd anyway, so she'll be out of a job soon enough.
Secretary of Homeland Security: John Kelly: And we're back to the boys who like to shoot people in the head! Decent choice for the role considering his experience as Commander of United States Southern Command and knowledge of Latin America and the border regions of the US. When asked if he would consider defeat in the invasion of Iraq he replied to a reporter "Baghdad ain't shit." 6/10 lacking in cool and edgy nicknames.
Secretary of Energy: Rick Perry: Please bring back Carson. This murderer is even worse. Rick Perry. Slick Rick. Rick the Prick. Dicky Perry. Two failed GOP Presidential nominee. Former Governor of Texas. Tried to kill poor babies by reducing access to Medicaid and saw access to prenatal care become the worst in the nation under his Governorship. Pro-some kind of stem cell research - if it benefits companies he's invested in. Anti-abortion, because, y'know, twat. Supported Texas's anti-sodomy law, because, y'know, twat. Against the repeal of DADT, against Gay marriage, likened homosexuality to alcoholism because, y'know, Republican. N/A/10 I only rate humans.
Chief of Staff: Reince Priebus: The golden boy of the GOP. It's saviour and the man who got them back on track. No one knows any of his stances on anything because he's a robot, a super computer whose sole reason for existence is to benefit the GOP and maintain unity. Obvious and probably great choice for Chief of Staff. 9/10 Who calls a child Reince though?
Other Appointees in Sentences:
Ambassador to the UN: Nikki Haley: will get along with US allies and enemies at the UN, as like most of them, she's also hates women.
Administrator of the Environmental Protection Agency: Scott Pruitt: Fox announced as administrator of nations chicken farms, looks oddly like Tim Kaine.
Administrator of the Small Business Administration: Linda McMahon: Friend of Trump announced as SBA head, expect tables to collapse, chairs to be thrown and undead demons to be features of policy speeches.
Secretary of the Treasury: Steven Mnuchin: If ever a Steve was going to be a Steven, it'd be Mnuchin. I mean just look at him, has there ever been a person who looked more like a Steven? Anyway, Mnuchin is a former Wall Street banker spending 17 years at Goldman Sachs before leaving in 2002 and buying failed bank IndyMac in during the 2008 crisis. Mnuchin was noted for how his rebranded OneWest Bank aggressively forclosed on possibly thousands of individuals. Has donated to both Republicans and Democrats. Knows money and is a prick. 6/10 would be higher but helped finance Avatar.
Secretary of Defense: James Mattis: A military man since 1969, former Commander of United States Central Command and collector of bad ass nick names, such as "Mad Dog" and "Chaos", Mattis is an Obama critic, despite being given his most important role to date by him. Ungrateful prick. Disagrees with Trump over US allies in the Middle East, and over Putin and NATO. Pro-two state solution in Israel. Typical military man in that he wants a military confrontation with Iran and thinks the Nuclear Deal will provide better targets if it comes to war. 7/10 for baller nicknames.
Secretary of State: Rex Tillerson: Then there's this twat. Let's just get out the checklist. Former Oil executive? Check. Ties with Russia? Check. Against sanctions? Check. Supports TPP? Check. GOP donor to the tune of hundreds of thousands of dollars? Check. Basically this guy? Check. Still, at least he got the Boy Scouts of America to rescind their ban on the gays. 2/10 fucking hell Trump.
Interior Secretary: Ryan Zinke: Trump loves the military boys. Ex-Navy SEAL and GOP Representative. Climate change sceptic, anti-abortion and referred to Hilary Clinton as 'the anti-christ'. Probably a dickhead. Studied geology at college and is anti-transferring federal land to the states. 4/10 more information needed.
Attorney General: Jeff Sessions: Do weekend soldiers count as military men? Sessions is a former reservist and rose to the lofty heights of captain back in the 70s. Early Trump campaign supporter and failed Reagan nominee to the District Court. Probably a racist. Probably. Former US Attorney, which is surprising since Trump doesn't seem the sort of person to appoint qualified people. Pro-torture, anti-immigration, pro-war in Iraq. Thinks opponents to his stances are communists. Pro-theft/civil forfeiture. Voted against repealing DADT, voted against the Matthew Shepard Act, voted for the Federal Marriage Amendment in 2004 and 2006. Massive prick. 5/10 will be competent but is objectively evil.
Secretary of Commerce: Wilbur Ross: Specialist in saving bankrupted companies and restructuring them, making a shitton of money in the process. Billionaire. Older than time itself. Former Democrat and did some stuff in the Bill Clinton Presidency. 5/10 will do well for the 5 months he's still alive.
Secretary of Transportation: Elaine Chao: Taiwan-born wife of noted turtle and Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell. Knows transportation having served as Dep Sec under Bush Snr. Secretary of Labor under Bush Jnr. Another banker. Failed as Secretary of Labor to investigate thousands of complaints that employers were not paying the right amount to employees. Resigned from Bloomberg over its sponsoring of the Sierra Club's "Beyond Coal" initiative, so probably another climate sceptic. Hooray. 7/10 not terrible.
Secretary of Health: Tom Price: Actual doctor, so that's 2/2 for the Trump Transition Team for nominees with experience in their field. Voted against funding NPR, voted for extending the Patriot Act. Anti-abortion, anti-gun control, anti-gay marriage, anti-discrimination legislation, against repealing DADT, against climate change laws, did I mention he was a republican or was that list not yet evidence enough? 2/10 Points for being a doctor and not much else.
Secretary of Labor: Andrew Puzder: So old and white he could be Tom Price. I legitimately can't tell the two of them apart. Price is the one with hair. I think. Former radical who attended Kent State University but dropped out following the shootings. Lawyer. Anti-abortion. Successfully turned around CKE Restaurants which is a restaurant chain of some kind. Doesn't think the government can create jobs, which ironically and horrifically is his fucking job now. 4/10 Because at least he's not Tom Price.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development: Bend fuckin Carson: Fucking really? Of all the people who ran against you in the GOP nomination process you chose this fucking idiot? At least Christie would've been amusing. The only benefit Carson has is if he's the Designated Survivor the country will be recovered by the time he fucking realises it. Oh, yeah, and he's a brain surgeon or something. 3/10 fuck this guy.
Secretary of Education: Betsy DeVos: Wins 'best name'. Advocate of school voucher programs and charter school. Just a shame she's fucking terrible at organising them. Even charter school advocates don't want shit to do with her. Still, the GOP are probably going to try to abolish the DoEd anyway, so she'll be out of a job soon enough.
Secretary of Homeland Security: John Kelly: And we're back to the boys who like to shoot people in the head! Decent choice for the role considering his experience as Commander of United States Southern Command and knowledge of Latin America and the border regions of the US. When asked if he would consider defeat in the invasion of Iraq he replied to a reporter "Baghdad ain't shit." 6/10 lacking in cool and edgy nicknames.
Secretary of Energy: Rick Perry: Please bring back Carson. This murderer is even worse. Rick Perry. Slick Rick. Rick the Prick. Dicky Perry. Two failed GOP Presidential nominee. Former Governor of Texas. Tried to kill poor babies by reducing access to Medicaid and saw access to prenatal care become the worst in the nation under his Governorship. Pro-some kind of stem cell research - if it benefits companies he's invested in. Anti-abortion, because, y'know, twat. Supported Texas's anti-sodomy law, because, y'know, twat. Against the repeal of DADT, against Gay marriage, likened homosexuality to alcoholism because, y'know, Republican. N/A/10 I only rate humans.
Chief of Staff: Reince Priebus: The golden boy of the GOP. It's saviour and the man who got them back on track. No one knows any of his stances on anything because he's a robot, a super computer whose sole reason for existence is to benefit the GOP and maintain unity. Obvious and probably great choice for Chief of Staff. 9/10 Who calls a child Reince though?
Other Appointees in Sentences:
Ambassador to the UN: Nikki Haley: will get along with US allies and enemies at the UN, as like most of them, she's also hates women.
Administrator of the Environmental Protection Agency: Scott Pruitt: Fox announced as administrator of nations chicken farms, looks oddly like Tim Kaine.
Administrator of the Small Business Administration: Linda McMahon: Friend of Trump announced as SBA head, expect tables to collapse, chairs to be thrown and undead demons to be features of policy speeches.
