THE SECURITY COUNCIL:
RECOGNISING that many national leaders have been successfully manipulated into believing that The Allied Corporate Empire of Northern Borland consistently acts in the interests of other nations, having served for many years until July 2017 as the Advocate and Arbiter General of Capitalist Paradise, which entails defending suspects in regional trials and helping resolve internal disputes before they escalate to the court system;
FEARFUL, however, that this community service has only helped Northern Borland to disguise its true legacy as a nation which is so utterly dominated by its fully-deregulated market that it has long described itself as "A Good Place to Raise Your Business" in its tourism campaigns - although such advertisement is hardly proving beneficial for a country which outlaws all immigration and is now ranked by the World Census as the third-most avoided in the multiverse (out of more than 200,000 nations);
CONCERNED that, although Northern Borland appears on the surface to be an economic miracle - boasting of the world's lowest income tax, highest average disposable income (and eighth-highest average income before "tax"), most efficient economy, and fifth-highest gross domestic product - many of these gains are pocketed by the highest-earning decile, the 31st-richest upper class of any country, which currently earns roughly fifty times as much as the nation's lowest-income decile;
AWARE that this Northern Borlandian upper class has become so profitable as to distort World Census rankings on industry, with support from a government that spends the entire national budget on subsidising it: the nation currently ranks in the top sixty worldwide for all sixteen major industries other than book publishing (240th), information technology (672nd), arms manufacturing (1,037th) and trout fishing (3,654th), with the manufacturing industry as a whole the 76th-largest in the world;
HORRIFIED at the realisation that any semblance of a judicial branch has been abolished, which - when combined with the fourth-rudest and sixth-most armed populace in the world, undoubtedly a byproduct of mandatory military service for citizens - has led to Northern Borland recording the second-highest death rate, 14th-highest crime rate and 140th-highest youth crime rate of all nations;
DISMAYED at how Northern Borlandian citizens are so busy working (Northern Borland has the multiverse's second-highest employment rate, a figure which takes account of widespread child labour), spending (in the second-largest retail sector of any country) and eating (the prevalence of the world's largest soft-drinks sector and third-largest pizza delivery market translates into more than 199 in every 200 citizens being obese, itself the highest obesity rate worldwide) that they inadvertently prop up their President and CEO by simply not caring, thus being the third most politically-apathetic people in the world; and
CONVINCED that - while capitalism has, in the main, succeeded in lifting billions of people out of poverty and delivering them with a better life - member states seeking to adopt a market-based economy ought to steer clear of the Northern Borlandian model, which has brought to its citizenry little other than death, boredom, and mass-scale impulse buying:
HEREBY CONDEMNS The Allied Corporate Empire of Northern Borland.
